Title: Baby [I Thought You Would Always Be Mine]
Status: 1/1
Summary: "When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you."
Spoilers: 6x20 "Hook, Line, Sinner"
Rated: PG-13
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Author's Note: This is more Arizona centric than some of the stuff I have written before. I just wanted to get inside of her head over this whole 'baby' issue, especially because 6X20 is coming up soon and she didn't really look all that happy in the sneak peek. I'm probably taking a different route than Shonda because I'm actually making Arizona face her issues with Callie, rather than run from them, but oh well. Starts out a little angsty but there's fluff thrown in there too, because I'm not sure how much more sad Calzona I can take. I hope you enjoy. :D
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you."- Unknown.
Babies. Noun. An extremely young child; one that is like a baby; something that is one's special responsibility, achievement, or interest. Babies, it's a six letter word that most people simply shrug off or coo about until they physically make themselves sick with baby talk. Babies; it's something that every young girl imagines having, preferably two little girls and a little boy as they live in a big white house with a dog and a swimming pool. Babies; they are considered by some to be a true and beautiful blessing, a miracle bestowed upon a fortunate few. But it is that six letter word that has Arizona Robbins; calm, level headed, beautiful Arizona Robbins, pacing outside of her apartment like a deranged woman.
Having a baby has never truly been something that she imagined being in her future. Sure, it was something that she contemplated and thought very heavily about when she was younger. She wanted a little boy with her brother's dark brown hair and her blue eyes, a little boy who climbed trees just to fall out of them, a little boy who pretended to be tough around his friends but would fall into her arms at night and tell her how much he loved his Mommy. She imagined a little girl, with bouncing blond curls with her father's emerald eyes, a little girl who was the star of the cheer leading squad, a little girl who thought boys had cooties, a little girl who chased butterflies in their front yard and cried when she accidentally stepped on one's wing. But as the years drug on, her career, her relationships and time proved that a future, like the one she so perfectly crafted when she was seven years old, was impossible. Impossible until now, in this moment with Calliope.
Deciding to have children is the biggest, scariest, most risky decision that a person will ever make in their entire life. It is that one decision that puts two people in charge of bringing a new life into the world and raising them right, guiding them through life's inevitable hard ships and let downs for the next sixty years of their lives. Deciding to have children means that you do not have a promise that everything is going to work out for the best, there is no perfect future in sight, there is no promise that he/she is going to turn out just fine. Deciding to have children physically and emotionally puts her in charge of another life through the sicknesses, through the adolescence, through the heart breaks and relationships gone wrong. And try as hard as she might, Arizona just isn't sure if she is ready to handle something like that.
Every day of her life, she watches children come in and out of the Pediatrics wing at the Seattle Grace- Mercy West hospital. She watches loving parents bring their child into the hospital and place him/her in her care, literally putting their lives in her hands without so much as a second thought. She watches children come back from horrible diseases, from nearly hopeless accidents to make a difference in the world as they are reunited with their families.
But more often, Arizona watches as bickering parents who are clearly divorced, bring their sick children to the hospital, each blaming the other for their sick child and swearing that their insurance better cover this visit. She watches as the little children advert their eyes to keep from watching their mother and father fighting, to keep from watching two people who are meant to be there for them, attack one another without so much a single thought of what kind of effect their failed relationship is having on their child. She watches as parents terminate their rights to their child every day and she just...doesn't understand it. She doesn't understand how someone could look at their child, with their big eyes full of innocence and love, and decide they would rather not see them ever again. She doesn't understand how a person could walk away from their child without so much as care in the world because they are not able to admit the failure of their relationship is partially their fault. She watches as children get sick, children die and their estranged parents just do not give a damn about their kids until it's too late to do anything for them.
Calliope Torres has never asked her for many things in their relationship. She asked for the obvious; honesty, love and commitment. She has never asked her for the materialistic things, like the clothes, the jewelry, like most girls would have. She has never asked her to make her the center of her attention, to stop spending time with certain friends or taking surgeries that would last long into the night and interrupt her time with her, like her exes have before her. She has never asked her to change, to become someone that she is not because it would be easier for her to deal with, like others have before her. Calliope has never asked her for much of anything, until now. And now, she sighs, twisting her fingers in her tight blond curls, now it is that one thing that she deserves most in the world, that she fails to give her.
It is not that Arizona thinks their relationship will not survive the decision to have children, because she does. Their relationship has overcome many obstacles that stood in it's way so they could be where they are today. They have overcame Calliope's uneasiness about her sexuality, Calliope's overbearing and Catholic father who just wasn't ready to accept the fact that his daughter might possibly be a lesbian. They overcame Arizona's stubbornness, her need to flight instead of admitting when she is upset and needs her girlfriend more than any one in the world. They overcame Mark and his impossible man whore-ish ways as he refused to let go of his friend with benefits. But more importantly, they overcame every insecurity, every fear, every doubt that plagued their mind after the night that Arizona whisked her away to the fanciest five star restaurant in Seattle and actually paid for their date. No, she laughs quietly to herself, their relationship can survive anything.
What she does fear however, is that she is not ready. She fears that she will effortlessly fail the perfect reflection of the love she and Calliope share for one another. She fears that she is not ready for the responsibility that a new life brings, she fears that she will not be able to give their child the amount of love that he or she needs to thrive in the world. Calliope is ready, hell, she was born ready, Arizona smiles. There is not a doubt in her mind that Calliope will be the world's best mother, drowning their son or daughter in hugs and kisses and loving support as they chase the most craziest of dreams. She knows that Calliope will be the mother who dries every tear with her loving smile and tender touch, the kind of mother that would make every other kid jealous in the neighborhood. Calliope is ready, but what she fears, is that she is not.
With one last disgruntled sigh, Arizona rakes her fingers through her hair before she pushes open the apartment door. It takes her only a matter of nano-seconds before her eyes find Calliope, sitting on the sofa, a bottle of beer nursed carefully between her intertwined fingers. Sitting there, her hair messily shading her face, her body clearly worn out from the hectic events over the past few days, Arizona can not help but think that she is the most beautiful thing that her eyes has ever seen and she knows, no matter what, that is one thing that will never change. Gently, she shuts the door quietly behind her, catching Callie's attention as her head snaps up from the spot on the floor in which she has been staring for the past little while.
"You're getting home late," Callie states the obvious, her voice distant. Finding herself without a plausible excuse, Arizona simply nods her head softly before she begins to shimmy out of the leather jacket that Callie loaned her a few nights before. She expects more questions from the raven haired beauty, she expects her to ask why she was getting home so late, to ask her about the little boy they brought in earlier today that had been involved in a hit and run accident. So, when the silence crashes around her, it surprises her, it guts her and cuts her deeply into the core of everything that she is. Turning slowly, gnawing on her bottom lip, she takes in the sight in front of her, of the woman that she undeniably loved but was slowly losing because of reasons that she would not explain to her, the woman that meant everything to her.
"Callie..." Surprisingly, she is interrupted as Callie chuckles, taking a swig of the beer in her hands before her russet brown eyes flicker to Arizona's pale blue and it is then that she notices the amount of pain and hurt that are embedded within the different swirls of brown.
"Could we just...could we just not do this tonight? Please? Could we not fight tonight? Because my head and my heart is all over the place and I'm afraid...I'm afraid that I'll say something harsh, something that I don't mean and I don't...please. Let's just not do this," Callie begs her, the infamous tears clouding in her eyes and it nearly breaks Arizona completely. She wonders when this happened, when they stopped being the two women who were passionately in love with one another, when they stopped spending their nights curled in each others arms, knowing that as long as they had each other, they needed nothing else in the world. She wonders when it happened, she sighs, when they stopped looking at each other like they hung the stars and the moon in the sky. She wonders when they stood idly by and let something so trivial, something so simple, tear apart the best relationship either of them have ever had.
"Sloan had her baby," Arizona exclaims, breaking the silence as she takes a step toward her clearly broken girlfriend. Callie shakes her head with a laugh, taking another swig of the alcohol before she sits the bottle down upon the table in front of her as she slowly stands to face the beautiful blond before her. Staring at her now, her pale blue eyes alight with the harsh reality and the most undeniable amount of love, she doesn't know how they are going to to get past it; how they are going to get past losing each other in such a terrible way.
"I know Sloan had her baby. I was there, remember? I saw him. I held him," Callie replies with a simple shrug of her shoulders, failing to connect where her girlfriend is taking taking this conversation. Arizona only smiles at the raven haired beauty, a swift nod of her head, as the memory of Calliope, with a baby nestled in her arms, plagues through her mind and warms her heart yet again.
"No, that's not what I mean. Sloan had her baby. Sloan Sloan. She's just a kid herself. A kid who has absolutely no idea what she is going to do with the rest of her life. Sloan, who didn't even want to have a baby in the first place, now has a cute son. She's just a kid, a kid who doesn't know what to do, a kid who has no way of supporting that baby. Someone who doesn't even want a baby can have one and here you are, Calliope, the most loving, supporting woman that I have ever known, who actually wants a baby, someone who deserves to have everything that she wants and I'm standing in your way," Arizona sighs with a sniffle, the tears filling her eyes and Callie simply watches, unable to move as the strong tower of a woman slowly begins to unravel before her very eyes.
"Arizona..." But the words fail her now, because how could she? How could she tell her that it is okay that she has all but shut her out of her life lately? How could she wrap her in her protective arms and tell her that everything is going to be okay when she isn't even sure of that herself? How could she be the person Arizona needed her to be when she isn't even capable of being that person for herself yet? She watches, the tears desperately trying to flood within her pale blue eyes and it's moments like this when she wonders what to say when nothing can change the truth she has been trying to avoid for weeks now.
"You've never really asked me for anything. You've never really wanted anything from me. Except for...the obvious, you know? Honestly, loyalty, commitment. And you want to have a baby. Of course you want to have a baby because you would make the world's best mother to your daughter or son. But I just...having children is such a big deal and I don't know if I can...but I don't want to lose you either because of my stupid irrational fear," Arizona begins her rant and even though she is clearly upset, Callie can't help but think that ranting Arizona is the cutest thing that she has ever seen. Now though, she hides the smile that is desperately trying to turn upward upon her lips as she extends her hand forward, placing it gently upon the blond's forearm in a loving gesture.
"You aren't going to lose me," Callie replies but Arizona simply chuckles, taking a step back as her pale blue eyes, blind with tears and emotion stare deeply into hers. For the second time in their relationship, Callie finally sees everything that Arizona has so desperately been trying to lock away behind her walls.
"Of course I'm going to lose you! There's no middle ground with this. We can't just have half a kid. I mean, we could get a dog or a cat but that doesn't suffice the need for a child. And I don't want you to give up something that you really want. Something that you deserve. Something that I just can't let myself give to you because I'm too...I can see it in your eyes...I can see it in the way that you look at me that I'm losing you. And it's not your fault. It's my fault, all of this...it's all my fault," Arizona rants, her voice echoing with desperation and exasperation as her heart races heavily in her chest. The tears blind her as she takes a moment to mesmerize the beautiful woman that stands before her, the woman who is clearly just as upset as she is.
"And I'm scared," whispers Arizona defeated, her voice shaking as a cry threatens to escape from the back of her throat. Callie's lips part as a quiet gush of air escapes from somewhere deep within her and she blinks back the wetness that fills her warm russet eyes. She has Arizona be many things; frustrated, angry, upset, but never, in their year together, has she ever truly seen her as terrified as this moment.
"You're scared? Why...what?" Callie intrigues in confusion. Arizona simply chuckles a cry of her own with a soft shrug of her shoulders, beginning to pace in front of the raven haired beauty who only watches the train wreck before her without a sound. Because what do you say at a moment like this when words suddenly have no meaning?
"I've never...I've never been here before. I've been in serious relationships before but I've never been here, because I wasn't meant to spend the rest of my life with them like I am you. We're meant for each other, Calliope and that terrifies me because I've never felt this much. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. I'm scared that something will happen to our kid and there won't be anything that I can do to save them. Do you know how that is going to make me feel? Me, the great Peds surgeon unable to save her own child? And no matter what you say, you'll resent me for that. You'll grow to be bitter and you'll grow to hate me because I wasn't able to save our child, even though I've saved others. I'm scared that I won't be a good mother. I'm afraid that I'll spend too much time at the hospital or I won't be able to give them the love and attention they need. I'm afraid that I'll let them down. I'm afraid that I'll let you down. I'm afraid that our child will hate me because...well whatever reason kids usually hate their parents. I'm afraid that you're going to wake up someday and you're going to realize that I'm not the person that you thought I was and that you deserve better than me. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you and our child," Arizona rants, her voice breaks as the tears spill effortlessly down her cheeks and it breaks Callie's heart completely. Fighting away the tears in her eyes, Callie collapses back onto the sofa, running her fingers through her hair as she swallows the cry in the back of her throat.
"And I look at you and I can't...the way that you make me feel sometimes Callie...I can't...I know that I can't do this without you. I don't want our relationship to be over, I don't want put our kid through something like that, sharing weekends, splitting holidays and birthdays. It's not fair to them. But maybe you're right...maybe you do deserve more than what I can give you...more than this stupid irrational fear of something that I have no control over. I just...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the way that you make me feel sometimes and I can't..." Her voice breaks again as the tears spill down her cheeks. Callie sighs, wrapping her fingers around Arizona's wrist, catching her attention as her pained eyes flicker upon her beautiful face.
"Sit down. Breathe. Just..sit here with me," Callie instructs, her eyes pleading and Arizona does as she is asked. Slowly, she takes a seat beside of her girlfriend, brushing her hair away from her face as a shaky breath dances from her lips. A dry cry escapes from the back of her throat as she forces the tears back, refusing them to fall as she tries to control the heart that Calliope holds in the palm of her hand.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were feeling like this?" asks Callie, turning her head to the side to view the disheveled mess of a beauty in that is nestled in the sofa beside of her. Arizona chuckles weakly to herself, gnawing on her bottom lip as her pale blue eyes find hers and suddenly everything manages to fall away around them, suddenly nothing else matters the love they share for one another.
"I didn't want you think that I was being insecure. I've always been the strong one in our relationship and that's how I like it. I don't like to cry in front of people, especially you. I don't want you to think I am weak , that you can't come to me because you can. You always can. I just bottled up because I didn't think that it mattered. But I'm looking at you now, and it does matter," Arizona cries and Callie sighs with a swift nod of her head. She gets it, she sighs, she gets the need to be strong, to not cry in front of people, because at the heart of everything, she is the exact same way. But between George and Erica, somewhere along the way, the strength that she thought she had disappeared until now.
"Oh, 'Zona. You've been putting yourself through hell lately, haven't you?" Callie asks and Arizona simply shrugs her shoulders defeated. Callie only smiles at her, reaching forward as she tucks a stray curl behind her ear with a tender smile that nearly steals Arizona's heart all over again.
"You're not being insecure. You're not being weak. You're being human. Having a kid is such a big deal, even if you're like Sloan and aren't ready for it. There's no promise, there's no guide to getting you through it, and it's okay to be scared. But you know what? I think you're going to be a great mom. I watch you with the kids, the way that you interact with them, the way that you care so fearlessly...kids love you and you love them. And your child is going to be lucky to have someone like you, someone so brave and passionate, as their mother. You never have to worry about not being enough because you are more than enough," Callie exclaims and Arizona only watches her with wide eyes, fighting away her tears.
"As for me? I love you. Kid or no kid. Family or no family. Money or no money. I love you. You marched into Joe's bathroom that night, and you showed me what it was like to be fearless. You kissed me. I was a stranger and you just...you looked at me like you knew me your entire life..." Callie's voice trails off and Arizona chuckles with a sigh.
"When I first saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you that night at Joe's, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you, because of the way that you made me feel. Now...now that I love you, now that I'm in love with you... I'm afraid I'm going to lose you," Arizona whispers but Callie doesn't have it, instead she kisses her lips chastely, pulling away with a blushing smile.
"I'm not going anywhere, Arizona. I'm in love with you and that means everything. You make feel so...when you look at me with those blue eyes...it's like I'm the only person in the world. You make me feel like I actually matter, like I make a difference to someone in the world. You don't care that my father hated you, you marched up to him and you told him that you loved his daughter and you protected the things that you love. You showed him that we were good together, even though he had enough money to destroy you and your entire medical career. You proved to him that we are meant to be together and now...now he wants a wedding with a white dress and slow songs. Now he wants grandchildren with your eyes and your fearless attitude. I can't believe that for a second you could ever think that I wouldn't want to be with you. You're it for me, Arizona. You're the one. I thought I found it before with George but I was wrong...because it's you. It's always been you. And there's never going to be a moment when I am disappointed in you, there's never going to be a moment when I don't want to be with you. Even if you build up this crazy idea in your head that just because you don't want to have kids that I'm going to leave you. Before you, I would have ran but now...now you give me a reason for standing still," Callie explains in a smile, the infamous tears tugging at her russet brown eyes. Arizona sighs, shaking her head just slightly, gnawing on her bottom lip effortlessly.
"I may never be ready to have kids," Arizona states and Callie just shrugs.
"Well then, I guess I'll just have to settle for a big house with you, our dogs and our chickens. Because you're in my future, whether we have kids or not," Callie replies and Arizona chuckles with a tender laugh and her gorgeous dimple revealing smile. Their eyes locked intensely, it is in that moment that Arizona Robbins knows that everything she has ever needed is right before her very eyes.
"I'm sorry that I'm being insecure," Arizona apologizes but Calliope stops her with a bellow of laugh. Wrinkling her brow in confusion, Arizona tilts her head to the side as she tries to make sense of exactly what her girlfriend found so funny in her apology.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Don't...uh... don't apologize. It's okay. Really. I mean, I gotta admit, it's pretty cool knowing that I'm not the only one who can lose it big time sometimes. Besides, you are extremely sexy when you are being weak and needy," Callie smiles, cupping her face in her hands as her lips collide hard with her own. It takes Arizona only moments before her tongue curls around her front teeth and she pulls away with a desirable moan escaping from the back of her throat. Smirking with a grin, she brushes Calliope's hair away from her face, finding a new reason to fall in love with her with every passing second.
"I think I'm ready to have that talk now. The one that Sloan interrupted the other night," Arizona admits, hiding the smile that curls upon her face. Callie nods her head in understanding, intertwining their fingers until they become a perfectly woven piece of art and she wonders if she knows exactly how in love with her she truly is. She wonders if she knows exactly how much she needs her in her life, how without her she is nothing.
"So this kids thing..." Arizona begins and Callie can only smile, because no matter how insecure, no matter how crazy or stubborn or irrational Arizona Robbins may be, she loves her, she is in love with her. And nothing, not even kids or Sloan for that matter, can change the fact that they are meant for each other.
Please, please, please review? I'd love it more than Arizona loves her chickens. :)