A/n: This is a song fic. In a song fic, you basically take apart each line of lyrics, and write a paragraph or two about it, relating it to the story you're trying to tell. This piece takes place after Brooke finds out about Peyton and Lucas, and lies to him about being pregnant in season one. What if Lucas hadn't gone to Charleston with Keith, and thereforehadn't made up with Brooke? This song fic deals with Brooke's feelings about Lucas, Peyton, and Felix.
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Empty spaces fill me up with holes/
There used to be those places in me that were reserved for you, but now that you're nowhere to be seen, those spaces stare at me in the face. The truth is there, I've got nowhere to run. I hate it- it's ugly and harsh, but then again, aren't all truths that way? I wish I could make you see this, what you've put me through because of your words, but somehow I can't find you. No matter how hard I look, I can't find the person I used to love. Where did he go? Was he simply a figment of imagination? But he can't be because you're still here. Did those moments only exist in my mind? But I have proof of their existence, they weren't just my hallucinations. They were real- real. What does that word mean? Were we real? What we had- was that real?
Distant faces with no place left to go/
So close, yet so faraway. All of this just feels like the ghost of something that used to shine so bright that it overpowered everything around it. And now? It's dark and gray; the only glow that's left is what's inside of me, that dull ray of light that I've preserved because it was the only thing that I had left, the only thing that could keep me going.
You walk into the room. I look up. For that one second, our eyes meet and then one of us looks away- I don't remember who. Someone waves and you stop to talk, that familiar grin spreading across your face. It's only at this time that I dare let my gaze linger on you. Your eyes, the ones that used to be filled so much laughter and yet so many secrets, look even more mysterious than ever, and I wonder what you're thinking, if you're feeling something deeper inside that you must cover up like me.
Who am I kidding? You don't care. Not even a little.
Without you within me I can't find no rest/
I can't sit still. Half of me wants to turn around and shake some sense into you, "Have you forgotten all we had and all we shared?" But I know I must keep silent, I can't give in to these feelings, these emotions. I won't be the one who crawls back to you when you were the first to turn away. It doesn't work that way, and I won't let you win. This is not only a battle, it's a war, and I will fight till I can't go on, until I have nothing left to fight with. But for now, this has to continue no matter how much I hate it because I hate you more. That sounds weird, doesn't it? I see you and I can't deny that I miss you, but I can't get over hating you. As you once told me, karma's a bitch, isn't it?
Where I'm going is anybody's guess/
This road seems endless and I feel as if I'm blind as I try to find the right exit out of this whole mess that I never wanted to be part of. But I can't find it. Maybe there is no way out. Am I stuck here forever? I can't be, I can't live like this, stuck between love and hate. Every breath seems to be a struggle, every second that passes kills another part of me. When will it all end? I've become engulfed in everyone's lives as they come and go, and I'm just watching them from the outside. But I feel love and pain and the tears won't stop no matter how much I will them to.
Swept among the huge crowds, I barely hear the never ending clamor that fills the hall. You walk quickly by, without sparing me a glance, just looking straight ahead. But I know you've noticed me by the tightening of your jaw, the stiffness in the way you walk. You disappear into groups of people chattering and going about with their lives, into the nothingness of this world, and my despair intensifies with each passing minute. You're just one of them, maybe you always were. Again I feel that painful ache. You were real once, weren't you? Or has this whole thing simply been a game? I will myself to stay calm, to force these feelings under control. Move on, I whisper silently, forget it all. If he can do it, so can you.
Some things are easier said than done.
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I've tried to go on like I never knew you/
Forgetting someone takes a lot of self control, but that was never one of my strengths. I can sense your presence but I can't do anything except to pretend that you're not there. Laughter is all you can hear from me because every minute that is silent is wasted on thinking about you. I surround myself with the few people who still care and try to fill up the space in my life that you've left behind, but there are still times when my mind unconsciously drifts towards you, and I wonder what's on your mind when you're sitting only two rows away. All this pretense that I'm trying to live with- some hate me for the "happy-go-lucky" personality that I have. But you know me better than that don't you? I wish these lies could fool you, but my eyes show it all. And when your eyes lock with mine, I can tell you don't believe any of it.
Why is that you don't understand me when I want you to and yet when I wish you wouldn't see through me, you're anything but oblivious?
I'm awake but my world is half asleep/
I'm drifting alone in the middle of nowhere, and the mist clouds my vision. Down below, everyone's busy and going on with their lives, but I'm still stuck here. I scream and scream, but my pleas come out as whispers. Why can't anyone hear me? Why won't someone free me from all of this? How long will this torture last? Please, set me free; yet, again my pleas pass unheard. I'm falling asleep again, but I can't go to sleep. Those dreams- I can't hide my feelings in my dreams. At least I can force them under my pretense when I'm awake. But I can't fight anymore. I'm too tired of this, of their hatred, of his broken promises, of my shattered dreams. Can't I just let go of it all?
Sleep comes willingly this time. Just for awhile, just so I have enough strength to fight again…
I pray for this heart to be unbroken/
Every day's the same. I want to forget you, but why won't you go away? I see you everywhere, and the ghost of your smile doesn't stop haunting me. Go away, you've done enough. I've had enough of this to last me a lifetime. Just give me my old life back, the life where I wasn't scared, where I had confidence in myself. I traded in everything I had for your love, but now that you've left, I've got nothing left. Can't you see? You've destroyed me so thoroughly I don't even know myself. Give me back what I lost before it's too late. Erase all the things you once said, all the moments we shared. Return the real me, and you're free to go. And I want you to go. Go, please go. I don't care what you do after we part, just give my heart back. Glue the pieces together and I can pretend that it's still perfect like before. I'm good at that- pretending. It's my life- I don't even know what's real and fantasy anymore.
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete/
Why does it hurt so much when I see you with her? When I walk into the room and see you standing next to her, with that familiar grin on your face, everything falls down around me. Why do I still feel like this? I'm not supposed to care. But what kills me the most isn't your smile- it's your look of concern, the look that was always reserved for me. And all of a sudden it hits me in the face- the truth, reality, all of it. I've lost you, forever. And yet you've moved on so quickly it's as if I was never a part of you. Maybe I wasn't- I wouldn't be surprised if the past was all an act for you. That's what you're best at, isn't it? Acting. I am too, but I have a weakness that you don't have- I trust too easily.
There's a hole inside of me that is so painfully empty. Why can't I fill it with something else other than thoughts of you? Because these thoughts I'm having won't sustain me through the fight. I have to be strong, but I wish that hole could go away. I don't need any reminders of the person I used to be.
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Voices tell me I should carry on/
Everyone's saying the same thing, "Move on. You need to forget him." What am I still doing here? Why is my heart still so set on the person you were before when I know that the past doesn't count anymore? Memories are just memories- trust me, I know that better than anyone. But why can't I leave it all behind? Sometimes when I try hard enough, I can get the world to believe me. See? I don't care about you; I never did. If it was an act for you, it didn't mean a thing to me either. I've moved on to better things, to people who are actually worthwhile. But then there are those nights that never seem to end. And sometimes I can still faintly remember the scent that you always had with you. It makes me so painfully nostalgic that I wish I could someone destroy these memories, these feelings. I'd rather not feel anymore than feel all this.
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone/
I have all those friends, and they're the best friends anyone can ever ask for. So why do I still feel so empty? It can't be because of you, can it? I'm supposed to be over you, over what we had, over everything that happened in the past. But I can't lie to myself- it's the only person that I have yet to convince. I wish you could see the person that I am right now, and somehow come save me from the person I've become even though I know you have better things to do and better people to be with. But won't you rescue me somehow? There's this dark tunnel that never seems to end and I'm just falling till eternity. Will you be there to catch me when I get to the bottom?
Loneliness was never something I could stand. Can you teach my heart how to live this life alone?
Baby, my baby/
It's written on your face/
There was a time when you used to be in my presence 24/7, and now that I look back on it, I wish I had savored each minute more. If only I had known that it wouldn't last. Whenever I was upset, I knew that you'd be there, comforting me through everything. During class, I knew that all I had to do was turn around, and I'd see you smiling back at me, as if to reassure me that everything would be all right. Even when you were upset, you would try to make me happy, and hide your pain. You were my guardian angel- everything that came my way, you were there, protecting me, making sure I would make it through.
I miss your smile. Even though I hear your laugh a lot, it hurts to know that your life doesn't include me anymore, and that your smiles will never again be for me. I can't decide which is worse- a stare that is void of any emotion or one that is filled with disappointment and perhaps even hatred. And I can't decide which one I'd rather get from you because now when I look into your eyes, I see nothing of the person I used to l love. Your eyes are so blank, except for a flick of emotion that I still can't figure out.
You still wonder if we made a big mistake/
Regrets are the worse, you know, and no matter how much I hate you, I try hard not to regret. I may not know what you're thinking, but often times I pray that you're not regretting knowing me because after regrets, there's nothing left. And we had something, I know we did. Maybe I'm just trying to reassure myself that it wasn't all a waste of time, but don't doubt any of things that happened. Please don't regret. Was it a mistake knowing you? Maybe it was, but perhaps it was our fate to make that mistake.
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I've tried to go on like I never knew you/
I'm trying, I really am, to put the things you said behind me. When you told me you loved me, did you know that it would take me the rest of my life to get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right? Did you know that your words would forever linger in my ears, your scent would forever accompany down whichever road I choose to be my future? It's hard to let go. Even after everything you've done, there's still that small spark of hope that I have yet to destroy, and other than to ignore it, I don't know what else to do. I wish that I could somehow forget you because that would make moving on so much easier and less painful. Moving on is like tearing a part of myself and leaving it behind because I know I have to, because I know that if I don't, I will never survive.
I think I've met someone who might actually like me for who I am. This is what I've always wanted, isn't it? To finally find someone who will love me without any pretense. And now that it's here, why am I still hesitating? Why am I not reaching out to grasp something that might turn out to be a dream come true? It's because of you, because I have yet to give up on you. Am I sacrificing myself for something that might never be real? Yes, in a way, I am.
I'm awake but my world is half asleep/
Sometimes I feel like I've left a part of myself in the past and no matter what I do, I can't get it back. And even though I try to be myself, I'm never 100 percent real. Why? Why did this have to happen to me? I used to believe in true love, really I did, and now all that's left is a blank empty space that I wish didn't exist. What do I have to offer anyone, a broken heart? You taught me what it feels like to have something you love torn away from you, and I don't want to ever have to do to anyone because I know how much it hurts. But how do you pretend to be someone you're not? I'm not even sure of my feelings anymore; did the things I felt for you go away? Am I ready to move on and embark on a new journey in life?
I pray for this heart to be unbroken/
I don't have anything to offer to anyone, and even though I say that I want to move on, inside I still cling onto the memories that we shared- because once, they made me who I was, and without them, all I have is a broken heart. How do you mend shattered dreams? Can someone mend your dreams for you? I wish my questions could somehow be answered. But for now, all I can do is pray that one day I will be able to move on and let go. How long will it take? I need to move on now; this decision can't take forever, it has to be made. But what if I don't know the answer?
Am I enough for him? Will I forget you in time? I don't want to start something that I won't be able to finish or even something that I might regret in the future. Maybe it would be best to tell him the truth and if he's willing to wait for me, then something could develop. But how long will it take for me to erase you from my mind?
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete/
And all of a sudden, just when I'm about to give up hope on you and move on to a new life, you've come back all of a sudden, carrying with you the same presence that I once fell in love with, and for the first time in months, I feel complete. The future still seems so uncertain, but now I at least have a reason to hope, a reason to believe that things will change for the better. It's going to be different this year, don't you see? I won't be that jealous bitter person I was before; I'll change for you, I promise. I'll be someone you won't get tired of- I'll be anything for you. Just stay with me.
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I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go/
For the first time in so long, letting go doesn't seem to be the sole option. Maybe I won't have to erase all the memories completely, but at least I'll be happy. I'll learn to smile and laugh again. I'll learn to be myself, and find where I truly belong. I hope you stay longer this time so I can get used to having you back here with me. But whatever happens, no regrets. No regrets about the present, the future or the past. It's ironic how I can never regret anything that's happened with you. Not even the tears, or the pain, or the nights where the memories just wouldn't stop coming back. And even when I prayed that someday I could let you, I never could. Was I meant to fall in love with you like this?
I don't wanna make you face this world alone/
I remember you telling me so many things, things that scared me because I couldn't imagine anyone having to go through all that, things that made me cry because I wanted you to be happy. Sometimes I even wished that I'd be able to take away whatever you were feeling and let myself go through it for you instead. There were times when I talked to you and I could hear the desperation behind your words and when I saw you, I could see the tension behind your eyes. and whenever you told me that you felt like you weren't good enough for anything, I wanted to hold you and tell you that you were worth it, that I would give up my life just for you. But all I could do was try and make you laugh, trying to find for you that spark that used to shine your eyes while swallowing the words that I knew I could never utter.
I wanna let you go (alone)/
You know what's ironic, even when you hurt me, when you turned away, when you decided to pretend I didn't exist, sometimes I still wondered if the things you were going through had died down a bit. And often, without even realizing it, I prayed that you were happy with whatever you were doing, that you had found a place where you could belong. Even when I hated you, I never wanted anything to hurt you because what you did didn't make you less worthwhile. It only opened my eyes to my faults, to the fact that maybe I would never be good enough for you.
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I've tried to go on like I never knew you/
I tried to forget you, to erase our memories, our possibilities, our dreams and hopes for the future, but the inevitable truth stared at me in the face. Never, for as long as I live, could anyone ever replace me in your life. There was a moment or two when I wondered if I would be able to fill up the hole you made in my life with someone else, and there were times when I was so tempted to try and erase your presence with someone new. But it would never have worked, don't you see? Because no matter what happens, I'll always come back to you. That part of me I never got back from you is still in your grasp and until I finally retrieve it, there's nothing I can do. Maybe this is my fate- falling in love with you was all part of destiny that had been decided for me long ago.
The promises that you once made and then later broke, maybe you could try fulfilling them this time around.
I'm awake but my world is half asleep/
Even though sometimes my future still looks bleak, and I know some things won't ever change no matter how much I will them to, maybe you'll be the one I can always turn to. If I had known that you still cared about me, I would have told you all of this sooner, but I didn't because I was scared. I was scared that you would tell me that you've moved on, that nothing we shared matters to you anymore. But maybe you felt the same way I did- rejected, unwanted, abandoned. There are some things I wish I could change, things that I wish I could make disappear, and I know people will talk because they always do and that they will try making my life a living hell, but with you, I think all of that won't be important anymore. Because just as once you proved to me, staying true to yourself is the only thing that matters.
I pray for this heart to be unbroken/
I can't deny that my heart hasn't completely healed and that it might take some time to make it whole like before. Maybe you'll know the way to fix it, to somehow glue it together. When a vase is shattered, the pieces will lie there, alone and forgotten, unless someone takes the time to glue them back together, but even then, there will still be cracks that can never be erased completely. But somehow, it's different with people. Cracks can be erased with time, care, and patience. Sometimes, even a broken thing can be made to be even better than before.
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete/
There's nothing to wonder about, and for the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. Those questions that I tortured myself over because I wanted answers, they all of a sudden become trivial. In a relationship, as long as the feeling is mutual, anything will work. And no matter how much I fight it, I can't deny the fact that my life isn't the same without you, no matter what role you're going to play in it from now on- a brother, a friend, or something more than that.
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Incomplete
And now, I can clearly see that I've gone in a full circle. I tried go on without you because I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, but I couldn't. I fought and fought against my true desires until I felt like I completely lost myself. It was then that I realized maybe I had made the biggest mistake when I let you go, when I pushed you away. I had nothing to lose, and even now, I still have nothing to lose. Because just knowing that you're here makes me more complete than I was before. Maybe you'll help me find myself again just like you once did. And perhaps, something new will develop, something better than what we had before. Whatever it is, I know that this time, I won't be that naïve girl I once was. I'll know how to treasure a relationship. What's destined to be mine will always be mine, and if we're not meant to be, then you'll go no matter how much I try to hold on to you.
You're like a butterfly. If I hold on to you too tightly, you'll yearn for freedom and fight to be free. So I guess, I have to hold onto you with open hands so that you can fly away if only for a minute to stretch your wings. Just always remember to fly back because I'll always be here, waiting for you to come home.
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Hope you enjoyed it. Please review! And also, check out my other story- For Blue Skies.