A/N: This is just something I wrote after this week's episode "Holby's Got Torment," because I think Serena knew the scan was Jac's but didn't say anything. The song here is "Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan.
Sarah x
Hey, your glass is empty
It's a hell of a long way home
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I've heard
It's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it from me
"Don't you think you've had quite enough to drink now?" Serena asked the redhead as she poured another glass of wine in the back corner of the bar.
"Nope," Jac replied. Oh, what had she done this time?
"Come on," Serena sighed. "Let me take you home. I'm not going to let you drive home like this." Jac just glared at her so she decided to sit down, refusing to let the younger woman drown her sorrows thinking nobody knew what was going on. Serena knew. She'd known the second Jac had come to her; why else would she want a second opinion when she was a qualified GS surgeon herself? "What did the gynaecologist say then?"
"What?" Jac replied, but there was a flicker of fear and discomfort in her eyes.
"Oh, come on, Jac," she said. "Credit me with a little bit of common sense." Jac just looked down into her wine glass and then back up at Serena when she didn't say anything more, as if she didn't know what Serena was talking about. "I know that scan was yours."
"Endometriosis," Jac groaned. "And I barely let him talk. I'm a doctor; I know what's going to happen."
"Oh, Jac," she sighed. "Why didn't you just come out with it and tell me, rather than try and give me the run around?"
"You had enough on your mind with your mother and everything," she immediately said, but Serena didn't believe a word of it.
"Rubbish," she scoffed. "My mother's care is being dealt with and the state Keller was in at the time has been noted."
"And you think putting a formal complaint in against your own ward, against one of your own nurses, is a good idea?" Jac raised an eyebrow. "Even I wouldn't do that. It's messed up. And you know as well as I do that Chantelle Lane was doing her best on a ward with little to no other staff. She wasn't to blame. The fact the ward was so extremely understaffed was."
"Are you quite done?" Serena demanded, her patience wearing thin. "I know, deep down, it was a mixture of circumstances, and Chantelle was doing her best with what little she had. But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you. What's the real reason for you lying to me?" she said, meeting Jac's bright eyes.
"I didn't know if I could trust you."
So don't tell me I
Haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I
Have never been there for you
Don't tell me why
Nothing is good enough
"Yes, because I have shown you nothing but hatred and cruelty," Serena retorted sarcastically. A smile flitted across Jac's face at her attempt at humour. "I've given you your job back, I've sent to Sweden knowing you wanted to make peace with Hanssen and I didn't tell anyone that I believe you are ill. So don't say I've not helped you, Jac," she finished.
"I don't trust easily," Jac admitted, draining her glass. Serena took the empty vessel from her so she couldn't keep drinking. It wasn't good for her, and she'd heard that she'd just broken up with Jonny Maconie – again – so she was probably downright miserable.
"I'd noticed," Serena nodded. "You do know I'd be there if you needed me? No woman should have to go through this alone." She tentatively reached across the table for Jac's hand, trying to make her understand that, regardless of what went on between her and everyone else, Serena wasn't going to desert her. "And don't bother saying that kindness doesn't help illness," she added, knowing Jac well enough to know her cynical mind. "Because I know you can do it alone. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't have to."
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't fair. God, Jac. Why isn't anything ever good enough for you to take it?" Serena demanded. She knew Jac of all people didn't mind her being honest. She didn't expect her to be nice to spare her feelings. She expected her to tell her if she was being stupid or was out of order. Which she wasn't, in this case, but she was taking defensiveness too far now.
"It's not that you're not good enough," she replied. "It's more that I'm not good enough."
Hey, little girl would you like some candy?
Your momma said that it's OK
The door is open, come on outside
No, I can't come out today
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who's there that makes you so afraid?
You're shaken to the bone
And I don't understand
You deserve so much more than this
"Don't be ridiculous," Serena scolded, and she found her tone was more motherly than she'd intended. "Just trust me, OK? You don't want to go this alone."
"I've managed everything else fine by myself," Jac retorted stubbornly. Serena put her head in her hands, losing patience rapidly with the half-cut, vulnerable consultant facing her. Why could she just accept help, and accept that Serena wanted to give it to her? "I'll deal with this myself as well."
"No," Serena insisted. "Jac, this is different. This is the prospect of never having a child. And I know you're not known for your maternal instinct, but still, neither was I, and I wouldn't trade having Eleanor for anything."
"Jonny wants kids," Jac revealed, and Serena could see she was finally beginning to open up about this. "I don't know if I do, but the option was there. Now it might not be."
"That why you broke up with him? Again," she added, remembering they'd broken up and got back together several times. She believed it must have been like trying to force two magnets away from each other; they could force a distance between them both, but they'd always snap back together in the end. Jac glared at her, obviously wondering where her information came from. Truth was, she'd seen Jonny look rather miserable with Mo, and worked it out herself.
"Yes," she reluctantly replied. "I didn't want to have to tell him I might not be able to have children when he wants a family. That, and he'd probably have left me anyway."
"What is it that makes you so scared of everyone deserting you?" Jac didn't say anything, just looking at the table, refusing to meet her eyes. She'd wondered this before. The woman was so defensive that she pushed everyone who loved her out before they could hurt her. It must have made loving her the most difficult job on the planet, and Serena did feel for Jonny in that respect. "Jac?"
"My mother."
"What about her?"
"She ran off to India when I was twelve," Jac admitted. "Left me here in care. Well, I wouldn't call it care," she added bitterly. "Few years ago, she came back. She was ill, and I let her get to me. I gave her a kidney and she went back to India."
"So this is why you think Jonny would've ran away?" She nodded silently, and Serena sighed to herself. Abandonment issues. That was the core of Jac's attitude problem. "That's no life to live, pushing people out just so they can't run away. And I think, in you heart, you know Jonny wouldn't have done that to you."
So don't tell me why
He's never been good to you
Don't tell me why
He's never been there for you
And don't you know that why
Is simply not good enough
"Yes, he would," Jac said. "He wanted a family, and if I couldn't give him that, I know I wouldn't have been good enough for him."
"You try and tell me he hasn't treated you right, Jac. Put aside any argument you had today," she added. "The whole hospital knows you cheated on him, and still he took you back," Serena reminded her. "By all accounts, he sprinted to see you were alright when you did that," she nodded to the cut on her pale forehead. "He loves you."
"He loves the idea of having a wife and a family and a big old-fashioned house," Jac explained. "He doesn't love me. He loves what he thought I could give him."
"So you're going to throw that prospect away because you feel he wouldn't love you anymore?" Serena asked, becoming increasingly confused. "I don't get it."
"Well, what's the point of being with someone who doesn't want you?" Jac demanded.
"And do you know he doesn't want you?" Serena challenged her theory, raising an eyebrow. Jac had always been a mystery to her; she was cold beyond anything she'd ever seen before, but there was always some kind of strange fear behind her eyes.
"I just know."
"Just knowing isn't the same as actually finding out."
Oh, so just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I'll show you why
You're so much more than good enough
"Why should I listen to you?" Jac sighed, her defence mechanism kicking in as Serena had feared it would.
"Because, since you lack a mother, I'm probably the oldest, wisest woman you know," Serena reminded her. "I've made a hundred mistakes and I'll make a hundred more, and I know what it's like to destroy a relationship. You hate yourself for it, because you know you did it for all the wrong reasons."
Jac just stared at her, taken aback by her sudden bout of honesty. "Look," Serena sighed. "If you won't let Jonny be there for you, then let me at least try and help you."
"I don't need help," Jac repeated, and she was beginning to sound like a broken record. "I'm a big girl."
"And even big girls need a friend." Jac met her stare, trying to make her back down, but Serena refused to. It wasn't often she felt strongly about someone like this. She felt the odd need to take care of Jac, perhaps because she knew the woman had dug herself a hole in which she was in the dark, with no-one to help her climb out. "You're good enough for Jonny," she asserted. "You just need to convince yourself of that first."
She stood up and picked up Jac's coat, taking her gently by the arm. She cooperated this time, letting Serena guide her to the door and open the car door for her to get in. "You can stay in my spare room tonight," she said, and she made sure Jac knew it wasn't a request or a debate – it was an order.
So don't tell me why
He's never been good to you
Don't tell me why
He's never been there for you
And don't you know that why
Is simply not good enough
As Serena started the engine and pulled out of the car park, Jac spoke once more. "Jonny's too immature to deal with this anyway. We're better off apart."
"Nonsense," Serena replied. "Like every other man on the planet, he has his moments where he's so juvenile you want to throttle him. But just because a man likes a joke doesn't mean he can't deal with anything serious. If that were true, Michael Spence would be unemployed by now."
She heard a short laugh from Jac's side of the car, followed by, "It's not just that. He wouldn't stick by me."
"I bet you he would if you just gave him a chance," she said. "You can come up with a million reasons not to tell him, Jac, but I think you know you were wrong not to in the first place."
"I know," she moaned. Serena looked around and saw Jac's eyes were shining with unshed tears, so she reached out and squeezed her arm gently in support. She knew it must not have been easy for Jac. She wasn't unbreakable like she pretended to be. She was already broken, by the sounds of it, and that was why she was so horrible sometimes.
"For such an intelligent woman, you really can be just a tad thick," Serena smiled, glancing round as she kept paying attention to the road. The rest of the drive to her house was in silence, and Serena couldn't help but wonder if, all those years ago, Jac's mother had stayed, maybe she would've been a totally different person. Maybe she wouldn't have had to face down these fears every time she attempted a relationship.
Oh, so just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I'll show you why
You're so much more than good enough
They got out the car and quickly got out of the cold and into Serena's house. She showed Jac to the spare room and borrowed a pair of pyjamas from Eleanor. "Here, they should fit you," she told her, handing her a t-shirt and bottoms. "You're not the only one built like a stick insect," she grinned.
She left to go to the kitchen, taking back hot chocolate to her five minutes later. "Why are you doing this?" Jac asked, climbing under the duvet and taking the mug from Serena.
"Because you need someone, and I'm the only one left who's willing to take your bad attitude," Serena gave her a sad smile. She turned the bedside lamp on and touched Jac's cheek lightly. "Goodnight, Jac."
"Goodnight," she replied. Serena just smiled and left her to it, but as she turned the main light off, leaving the room in the dimmer light of the lamp, she heard Jac say one more unexpected thing: "Thank you, Serena."
Hope this is OK!
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me your thoughts!
Sarah x