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~This fic takes place during The Battle of Hogwarts~

For Love or For Life

There was never going to be a time when he could sit back and ponder all of the impossible decisions he had made in his life. For there were far too many queued up now- so many ready to ambush him, that if he allowed just one to come forward, they would all tumble out, and crush him under their heavy weight. And anyway, Severus Snape was not in the business of pondering- it was too wasteful. Unqualified and absolute precision had kept him alive those many years, and to be precise one cannot allow himself to waste. So he never did. Not until that night, at least...

The midnight sky above the castle was alight with colorful bursts of magic. Under less destructive circumstances, it would have been pretty- almost like fireworks, but Severus watched them dispassionately, attempting to focus only on the rapid beating of his own frigid heart.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

If he felt anything, it was numb- the kind that sent pins and needles prickling through his skin- the very type of detachment that he always dreamt of, and yet now, he wanted nothing more than to feel. He wanted hurt; because Hermione Granger was lying deathly still on the cobblestones just steps away, and, although he could guess less and less about the world with each passing day, he knew, without a doubt, that he loved her.

It wasn't the sort of love that he had fallen into all at once. It was slow, unconventional, and it had gradually grown from bitter resentment, to reluctant admiration, to sobering fear, and finally, to unconditional love.

He wanted her like he had wanted nothing before.

Indeed, the whole thing was all very strange to Severus, for he couldn't quite put his finger on how such an emotion for such a girl had engulfed him, and yet, it had. She made him feel like he was standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at the jagged earth below. If he fell, death would certainly follow, and still, he couldn't fight the urge to jump.

But in that courtyard he did not, rather, remained firmly planted under the cover of dark shadow, listening to the screams in the distance and watching his heart fade away.

No, she wasn't dead yet. Severus had seen enough death is in lifetime to know exactly what it looked like and he knew that she was still breathing because she had gone gray in the face rather than blue, and her eyes were closed instead of wide open with eternal fear- but she did not have much time.

God, she was still beautiful.

Whoever she had battled must had been tricky, for her forehead was bruised, suggesting that she had taken the curse from the back, and her nose was scrunched up in pain as the dark magic coursed through her veins. To Severus, it almost seemed frivolous- to purposefully inflict torment and not even hang around to enjoy it, but it was even more indulgent to think that her attacker hadn't even had the grit to just go on and finish the job.

Perhaps, that man was willing to have blood on his hands as long as he did not have to look at them, or perhaps, he was just one of those deplorable breeds that wanted nothing more than for his victim to die slowly, painfully, and most importantly, desperately alone.

Yes, she was really starting to go. Her breathing became shorter, hitching like the ticks of a clock that was due, at any moment, to stop, but Severus only stared.

He loved her, she was dying, and wasn't doing a thing about it. There was the very reason that he did not understand love.

If he saved her, she would turn in fear and race fast away; she could have even thought that he was the one who cursed her in the first place. He could picture the look on her face.

Disgust

And then there was the worst part of it all- that if- just if- she managed to survive the night, she would fall blissfully, most ignorantly into the arms of that miserable excuse for a man, Ronald Weasley. The two of them would breed, just like their parents before, and with all her many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren around her, she would never once again speak his name. Perhaps, she would forget his meager existence entirely.

But if he let her drift away, right there on the cobblestones before him, he would never again need to wonder where she was or what she was thinking, if she was happy or if she was sad, if she was content or if she was lonely. He would know that no other man held her at night and that way, she would forever belong to nobody but herself. Severus could easily easily live with that. It would be very simple indeed.

"You're a better man that this, Severus." Old Dumbledore's voice suddenly sprung into his head in the intrusive way that it always had. "You're a good man- a brave man, and the brave do what needs to be done even when it frightens them."

Severus snorted aloud. "I'm not brave and I'm not good."

"Oh, but you are." Dumbledore implored whispliy. "You are and I know because I put my very life on it."

"You were foolish then."

"I was many things, my boy, but foolish was not one of them. Now, a long time ago a heartbroken lad came to me and chose the light, and yes, he carried it hidden, but it can shine just as brightly as it wants to now."

Mindlessly, Severus' hands reached up hard to cover his ears and he turned away from the lingering woman. It was too painful to watch anymore and he certainly did not want to hear what Dumbledore was saying.

"I don't need you, Dumbledore!" He growled, his head spinning. "I do not need you here!"

"But I'm not there."

"Yes, you are. You always are!" He hissed. "Don't you know, then? Don't you know that I won't live through another heartbreak and if I save her she will cause me just that."

"Then die like a real man!" Barked Dumbledore. His voice rattled so loudly through Snape's brain that he cried out. "Be good, Severus, because you are."

And just as soon as the old man's voice had jumped into his head, it was gone, leaving Severus hunched over, eyes screwed shut, covering his ears like a child. He took a shuddering breath and turned back to where Hermione was still sprawled across the cobblestone. She had stopped breathing, but only just- there was still time.

And so Severus could save her, or he could let her die, for each outcome had its bitter consequences that seemed equally terrible to him. But it was just another one of those horribly impossible decisions that he would have to try and never ponder again- whether or not he vied for love, or for life?

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. I would love for you guys to tell me what you think Severus picked! If you liked this fic please check out my other stuff!