Elsa inhaled sharply, turning on her heel to unlock the door she had just closed. Most of the time she was able to push the past into the corner of her mind only visited in the hours before dawn, when she awoke restless and covered in sweat. Then there were times like now where she had locked her door on instinct, thought not even needed to perform the task she had for years, when a sharp vise grabbed her heart. What if Anna needed her? What if Anna happened to want to talk to her and found it locked? What would that do to her? How can you be so selfish after all these years? The thoughts swam around her mind, Elsa swayed dizzily and bumped into her small writing desk. A curse escaped her lips and a small swirl of frost lingered in the air.
Logic was a constant in her life, gnawing at the irrational behaviour she exhibited in Anna's presence. Logic hissed at her that setting boundaries was healthy and beneficial to both of them. Logic berated her for not telling Anna that she needed sleep after Anna had kept her up for hours discussing all manner of gossip and her feelings for Kristoff and whether or not the ducks liked it when she sang to them. Logic whispered it was okay for Elsa to show Anna when she was sad or angry or wanted to be alone, that she did not need to keep up this façade. Elsa shushed these thoughts every time, furrowing her brow in annoyance.
Elsa often felt as if she was performing an intricate dance at all times and that one misstep would cause the makeshift kingdom she had constructed, the sisterly bond she had fabricated to come crashing down. Every time Anna beamed at her or hugged her or sounded overjoyed to see her, Elsa felt the dance was validated. But she was so very tired.
Elsa did find peace in some things. She had discovered a passion for drawing. She had discovered this up to her eyes in paperwork and treaties, listening to her advisors ramble on about Arendelle's place amongst the importing/exporting elite. Elsa found herself sketching the church from memory, in a corner of her notebook. She had snapped out of her reverie upon hearing "Don't you agree, your majesty?" to which she nodded absentmindedly, her eyes widening in shock at the detail of her own drawing. She had practiced her shading and proportions ever since that day and smiled at her slow but noticeable progress.
She loved getting up early, clothed in a hooded cape to remain as inconspicuous as possible, and climbing along the rooftops of the castle, her journey occasionally aided by bridges of ice. In the right light she could see Arendelle's market and the chimneys of the homes just beyond the fjord, smoke softly billowing into the cold purple dawn. Elsa loved the angles and slopes, the intricacies of the lattice work and the patterns in the bricks. She would take books from the castle library –accounts of distant lands by intrepid explorers— and try to draw how she imagined these fantastical places to be. She drew moors and sheep with small farmhouses scattering the countryside, she drew bustling markets with exotic game strewn up by their ankles, tureens of olives and exquisitely embroidered fabrics, she drew staircases spiraling amongst thousands of books in a cavernous room. She loved seeing her imagination come alive on paper. Most of all she adored being outdoors.
Up on the rooftops she could forget that she was queen, forget that she still had so much to repair to make up for the lost years. Elsa could just be Elsa. She was learning to like the woman she was becoming, for a fraction of a second in time. Those moments meant the world to her.
Kristoff started fidgeting with his sash. He looked down in disbelief and immediately straightened his back, folding his arms across his chest. What are you doing? His brain chastised. She's not even here yet, you don't even have to speak words – why are you turning into a nervous wreck? He stood near the castle gate, waiting for Anna to join him on a trip through the Arendelle countryside. The guards exchanged smirks, amused at an iceman attempts to court a princess. Kristoff narrowed his eyes skeptically but the guards remained silent.
After Arendelle's thaw, Kristoff had managed to approach Elsa to ask for official permission to court Anna. Elsa had cautiously accepted his intentions with a warning that all meetings should be known to her beforehand and never after a certain hour. She did, however, make sure he saw the frost curl from her fingers onto the armchair that day, her gaze unwavering.
Anxiety festered in his stomach whenever he thought of the propriety and rules necessary to court a princess. Although his title afforded him some respect amongst the townsfolk, he felt no comfort or complacency in its words. "An ice harvester raised by trolls" didn't tend to fill noblemen and noblewomen with any confidence that he was worthy enough for Anna. Kristoff always hesitated whenever Anna tried to introduce him to everyone they came across, his breath hitching as soon as the conversation turned towards him.
The castle doors opened and Anna came bounding through, wearing her favourite golden yellow dress with cream rosemaling curling around her bodice. Her aquamarine eyes were shining and the grin on her face instantly made Kristoff drop his arms to his side, his rigid posture softening.
"Hi!"
"You look lovely… I mean it suits you. Of course it does, all your dresses do. I just- I like that dress."
"Thanks! Shall we?" Anna said, looping her arm around his with a cheery wave to the guards.