Watching without seeing anything at all

Chapter One

I was sitting in the seminar room waiting for the lectures to start. We just had had a larger break for lunch and were waiting for the professor to arrive. Having my notebook in front of me, I checked various internet sites and forums for news.

No news.

Why can't we just start yet? It's getting broing. Well, we still have over half an hour left before the lecture's going to start. I could check on mails – but I just did that before lunch. I doubt there's anything new. Well, anyway…

I was surprised to find a mail. It was from my former vice captain and had no special subject.

Weird, Oishi usually does not write me any mails – especially not without any subject.

Curious about what Oishi had written, I clicked onto the link and opened the mail.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Dear Fuji,

it's a sad reason that makes me write to you today.
I just got to know that Ryusaki-sensei has died yesterday.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I had to stop. I felt like I did not get the message of these simple lines. I had to reread it.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I just got to know that Ryusaki-sensei has died yesterday.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

This could not be, could it? People had said that she was suffering from cancer, but I had never believed a word. I never gave a damn about gossip.

But it looks like I should have better listened this time.

I felt my eyes watering and my cheeks got hotter and hotter.

I do not want to cry, I don't want to cry in the middle of this seminar room.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I feel really depressed. I have no clue when the funeral will be,
but I think our team should be there, don't you agree?
I already informed the others, too. But I couldn't reach Kawamura,
maybe you can tell him then? You can also give him my cell
phone number, if you want to.

Yours Oishi

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Suddenly I felt glad that the professor had not yet arrived. I felt like the chattering of my fellow students was mocking my feelings. A little clumsy I searched for my earphones, found them and started listening to some music. I turned it as load as my ears could bear the noise.

Supporting my head with both hands I stared at the lines Oishi had written. Images of my former sensei appeared in front of my inner eye. I saw her barking at us, that we should try harder to improve our tennis. I saw her smiling proudly at us when our skills improved and when we won a tournament. I could hear her laughing with us at the party we had after graduation.

All these pictures were so clear, so close. I felt as if it had been just yesterday, that I saw her just yesterday sitting on her bench watching our matches.

I felt burning tears running down my cheek. With my fingers I wiped it away. But new tears were emerging my eyes. Soundlessly I let them flow. Here and then I had to suppress a sob, and it was harder and harder to not just drop my façade.

The world is no longer a space, it's a layer, just a flat layer, like the page of a book onto which I stare without reading anything. I watch without seeing anything at all. The time seems to slow down, everything seems to be so meaningless to me.

I took a look at the students sitting in front of me.

I'm sure, they can see the tears. But they don't care, they don't dare to ask questions, they just let me sit hear and suffer. But I'm grateful they do, I doubt I would like to talk to anyone of them. I cannot hear what they are saying, it all seems to have lost its importance.

What am I doing here anyway? Maybe I should just leave and go home. But would that make things any better?

No it wouldn't. It didn't matter where my body was, my thoughts where circling around pictures of my past. I felt kind of numb, even my thoughts seemed to be slower then usual. My head hurt like hell, and there was no way to ease the pain. I had to endure it.

The lecture passed by without me paying much attention. At home I took my sell phone and wrote a message to Kawamura. It took me quite a while to decide on which words to use. When I was done I wrote to my parents, telling them to please tell me as soon as they got any news about the funeral and that I would be there, no matter what.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

The funeral was going to be help on Friday morning. I decided to go back home un Thursday, directly after the lectures. Oishi had told me that he would take care on flowers and a card and that we'll meet on the cemetery.

There was only one last thing for me to manage. Usually I would have had lectures on Friday and I needed to make sure to get information about what it was going to be about. I didn't want to tell the whole world what I was feeling at the moment, but I had to talk to someone, so that at least one person would know why I would not be there.

I had been waiting for two days until I felt brave enough to talk about the matter. I was – as usually sitting next to Misa, a girl who was a very friendly and caring person. Almost like Oishi, who also cared about everybody around him.

Almost everybody had already left the room, and she was standing next to me packing her bag. I did not move and just stared onto my fingers.

"I won't be here tomorrow."

"Sorry?"

"I … I won't be here for tomorrow's lectures."

I felt her eyes resting on me. Quietly she took a seat next to me.

"What's wrong, Fuji-kun?"

"I … I have to go home."

I did not give her any time to react and talked on instead.

"There's a funeral I need to go to. I mean, she was not family for me, she was only my sensei. But she was one of the best. I mean, she always supported us, she was nothing like the others. Always had faith in us."

My tongue was moving faster then my thoughts. She put her arm around my shoulders and listened to me without interrupting.

"It would be no good if I stayed here, if I did not go. I feel like I owe it to her. I know that if I don't go, I'll regret it. I'll regret it for a very long time. I once didn't go to a funeral of a person I knew, and I still regret it. I feel as if I betrayed this person. I don't want to feel that again, I don't want to betray her, I don't want to regret."

My body was tense and my hands shaking.

"I need to go, you understand that, don't you?"

"Shh, it's alright, Fuji-kun. It's ok if you go."

"You'll pay attention for me?"

"Yes, I will, you can copy my notes afterwards."

"Th- Thank you."

My voice cracked. I had no idea why I had told her so much; I had never shared such things with anybody. But I felt kind of relieved.

"Just take some days off."

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