Happy LABOR DAY! Here's a short story with Minerva to warm up The Evil Stick's writing abilities. The youngest Evil Twig finally starts school tomorrow and The Evil Stick is superduperexcited! That means six hours a day to 'itself' everyday! Be ready for some updates coming your way.

Labor Day Surprise

It was a boisterous day at Fairy Tail, louder and more rambunctious than normal. The top five mages of Sabertooth visited the Fairy Tail guild because their "lady" Minerva was pregnant and had gone into labor. She insisted on paying top dollar for the best maternity mage that money can buy. That maternity mage happened to be a cranky old lady named Porlyusica, who agreed to oversee the delivery of the baby as long as her apprentice, Wendy, could be trained during the process. It was a win-win for both parties since that meant Minerva could be healed instantly after the birth. Well, almost a win-win…

"PUSH, FILTHY HUMAN!"

"RRRAWWWRRR!"

The ladies of Fairy Tail cringed at the sounds coming from the medical room. It had to be a pain to have Porlyusica in their room while giving birth.

Sting bounced around in the Fairy Tail guild hall. "I can't believe it! I'm gonna be a dad!"

"Sting's gonna be the best dad in the world!" Lector happily chimed to Carla who looked annoyed at the commotion.

"Fro thinks so too!" Frosch cheered in Carla's ear.

"You guys don't know that. Minerva has said herself that she doesn't know who the father is." Carla crossed her arms over her chest and turned away from them both.

"You're a little too giddy, Sting." Red eyes appeared in the shadow from under one of Cana's discarded barrels. "We won't know who the father is until the baby is born."

"Gihi!" Gajeel walked up to the shadow and grasped it by the scruff of the neck. He roughly yanked it away from the barrel and pulled Rogue out from the shadows. "Why are you hiding, Ryos? Don't tell me there's a chance that you could be the father as well."

The shy dragon slayer blushed and looked away from his former teacher. Gajeel laughed and dropped Rogue unceremoniously on the floor. Rogue turned into a shadow again and sank into the floor.

"Gajeel!" Levy shook her finger at the iron dragon. "Don't pick on the Sabertooth guests."

Orga sat at the bar and ran his large hand through his hair. "What if I turn out to be the father? Then the kid would be half god slayer and half god." The large lightning god slayer sighed in defeat. "Will it be part demon too?"

Laxus signaled to Kinana for two beers. "Don't stress yourself over the small details. The important thing is that the baby will probably be a very strong mage."

Kinana handed them each a beer and the two lightning mages raised their mugs to each other.

Orga gave a nervous smile, "Thanks, Dreyer. You are probably right." He drank his beer quietly to calm his nerves, but Laxus noticed that his shoulders were tense and his hands were shaking from the anxiety of possibly being a father.

"Laxus!" Bickslow pulled out a chair and sat next to him at the bar. "If the baby was mine, could it call you Uncle?"

"Uncle." "Uncle." "Uncle." His babies bobbed in the air over Laxus' head.

Laxus sighed and chugged his beer as fast as he could, silently praying to Mavis that it wasn't Bickslow's child.

"Whoever the father is, he'll be a man now!" Elfman yelled out to no one in particular. "He has to man up and change diapers!"

"It's Sting's baby!" Lector preached, "I even drew a diagram of why it could only be his!"

Cana hiccupped, "I wanna see this diagram."

Lector pulled out his presentation board and pointed to the childish drawing, "This is a common phallus." He pointed to some small drawings of different shaped male genitalia and then pointed to a larger drawing, "This is Sting's phallus! As you can see, Sting's size is superior to other humans!"

Cana laughed and slapped her knee in amusement, "I'm gonna have to see that for myself."

Rufus snickered and adjusted his hat, "Lector's drawing does not match up with my memory."

"Fro thinks so too!"

Lector continued with his presentation and showed other drawings. "This is common sperm." He pointed to tiny withered drawings of semen and then he turned the page to reveal gigantic semen with bulging chest and abdominal muscles. "This is Sting's sperm."

"That's a man!" Elfman bellowed.

Evergreen stomped on his foot with her high heels, "Idiot! That's just a dumb drawing of a fake sperm!"

Lucy watched Evergreen beat on Elfman from afar. She sighed in relief, thankful that she wasn't part of the drama. But she decided to point out the elephant in the room, "So what happens if the baby doesn't resemble the father? Will Minerva be able to figure out who the father is?"

Yukino hung her head, embarrassed that three of their top five were eagerly waiting to find out who knocked up the strongest mage in Sabertooth. "Um, Minerva was very straight with them. It's possible that the father isn't someone from Sabertooth."

"Wow. That's harsh. I can understand why they are all nervous."

Yukino interjected, "Um, no. That's not why they are nervous. Minerva also said that whoever the father is, he has to raise the baby by himself."

"What?! Why?" Lucy's eyes were wide with curiosity.

Yukino sighed, "Because kings don't raise babies…"

Lucy stared at Yukino, but she could see that her friend was serious, "That's right, Erza mentioned Minerva has a 'king' complex."

Yukino nodded, "Yeah, a king complex is a good way to describe it. Minerva said she will torture the father if he does not do a sufficient job in raising the baby."

Lucy's winced, she remembers how cruel Minerva could be. "Well, I'm just glad that I don't have anything to do with the drama this time around. I would hate to take care of a baby at this point in my life."

A bright gold light flashed in front of them, "Hello, Princess, did you miss me?" Leo bowed to his master.

"I didn't open your gate, Loke." Lucy growled at the handsome Lion spirit standing in front of her.

Loke cleared his throat, "Um… The Spirit King told me to inform you that babies cannot enter the spirit realm."

Lucy's eyebrow twitched, "Why would I need to know that?"

Loke adjusted his glasses, "Because the fine print of our contract states that if a spirit were to reproduce in the human world, then the master of that spirit would have responsibility over raising the offspring."

Lucy glowered at her philanderous spirit, "WHAT. ARE. YOU. SAYING."

Loke readjusted his tie and spoke with apprehension, "There's a chance that I'm the father…"

"LUCY KICK!"

Gray and Natsu watched Lucy stomp Loke's head into the ground. For once they weren't fighting since Erza had threatened them before she went into the medical room so she could hold Minerva's hand while she delivered the baby.

Natsu scratched his head, "What if I'm the father?"

Gray rolled his eyes, "You would have had to have sex with Minerva in order to be a candidate as the father."

"What's sex? Is it a type of food?" Natsu started drooling.

"Exactly." Gray crossed his arms over his bare chest, "You are not the father."

Natsu already forgot about his previous conversation with Gray and decided to yell at his teammate sitting at the next table. "LUCY! I WANNA HAVE SOME SEX! AND I WANT IT WITH HOT SAUCE!"

"WHAT!? LUCY KICK!"

Natsu landed by the bar, dazed. He made eye contact with his childhood friend, "LISANNA, GIVE ME SOME GOOD SEX AND SPICE IT UP WITH HOT SAUCE!"

*POW* *CRASH* Elfman used is beast arm to uppercut Natsu in the jaw, sending him through the roof.

Rufus smirked as he watched Elfman stomp around with an active beast arm and shouting about how unmanly it is to hit on his little sister. He continued to watch his teammates with amusement. Lector and Frosch gossiped with the Fairy Tail exceeds. Sting was prancing around telling everyone that he was going to be a dad. Orga sulked at the bar with Laxus. Rogue's red eyes could be seen throughout the shadows of the guild, peering anxiously and trying to avoid a run in with Gajeel. "This… will be preserved in my memories… forever."

*SLAM* The door to the medical room slammed open.

Porlyusica came out ranting, "I HATE HUMANS! I ESPECIALLY HATE THE SMELL OF BLOODY PLACENTA AND RANCID AMBIOTIC FLUID MIXED WITH THE SMELL OF STRETCHED ANUS! WENDY IS TRAINED NOW SO STAY OUT OF MY FOREST AND DON'T LOOK FOR ME WHEN SOMEONE ELSE ENDS UP PREGNANT!"

Everyone watched quietly as Porlyusica left the building and disappeared. Erza, Mira, and Wendy came out of the room. Erza had stars in her eyes, Wendy was wiping the sweat off her brow, and Mira was cradling a bundle in her arms and cooing into the blanket.

"YEAH! I'M A DAD!" Sting rushed over to Mira and peeked into the bundle. He beamed with joy and wiped the tears from his eyes. "LOOK EVERYONE! HE HAS MY NOSE AND LIPS AND EYES!" Sting excitedly tore the blanket away and grabbed the newborn rather roughly before lifting it high over his head with pride.

[…dead silence…] Everyone gaped in disbelief at the newborn.

"Hey! That's not a man! That's just an egg!"

Sting possessively hugged the egg into his chest. "IT'S MY EGG! SINCE I'M A REAL DRAGON SLAYER I CAN HAVE DRAGON BABIES!"

A shadow came up from the floor in front of Sting and transformed back into Rogue's physical form, "Dragon slayers don't lay eggs, Sting. You are not the father."

"Oh…" Sting shrugged and handed the egg back to Mira, "Lector, let's go swimming in the pool!"

The twin dragons and their exceeds hurried to the pool in completely different moods than how they arrived.

Orga picked up a microphone and climbed onto the stage so he can give his victory song, ~Yeah! Not mine, not mine, not mine! Sabertooth number one!~

Gajeel approached Mira and sniffed the egg. "I've seen an egg like this before! I found it when I was a kid. Best egg I ever tasted!" He rubbed his belly with the memory.

"That's an exceed egg! You murdering brute!" Carla's tiny voice perked everyone's memories and they remembered the egg that Happy hatched from.

Happy freaked out, "YOU ATE AN EXCEED EGG?!"

Gajeel growled, "How was I supposed to know exceeds came from eggs?! I was hungry!"

Happy started crying, "You ate my brother…"

Lucy grabbed Happy by the tail, "Has everyone forgotten that that Minerva gave birth to an exceed egg?! Why hasn't anyone asked who the father is?"

"Ahahahaha!" Minerva gave her signature evil chuckle as she made her appearance outside of the medical room. Her hair was a little messy and she looked tired, but her body was slim again and she was completely healed, thanks to Wendy. "Now that I know that it's a cat egg, I know exactly who the father is…"

Minerva used her magic to teleport the egg from Mira's hands into Patherlily's arms.

"Uh…um…" Panterlily's face burned bright red with shock and embarrassment. "I'm a father now…"

Gajeel's eyes pooped out of his head, "WHAT?! WHY LILY?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!"

Pantherlily rubbed his egg and gave a small smile, "Well, she's an excellent cook."

"LILY!" Gajeel fell to his knees and started repeating his name. "Lily!"

*...*... *... *...*...*

Pantherlily felt someone shaking his shoulder and he heard Gajeel call his name.

"Lily!" Gajeel continued to shake his exceed until he woke up, "Lily, wake up!"

"Huh?" Patherlily sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Where am I?"

Gajeel put his hands on his hips and chuckled, "We partied at here Sabertooth last night. You disappeared half way through the night. Were you hanging out with that Frog?"

"Uh…" Pantherlily rubbed the back of his head, "Well… I was… around."

"Around?" Gajeel raised a studded eyebrow.

"Uh… yeah… in the kitchen eating… and around… but I didn't leave the guild." Pantherlily was flustered.

"Whatever, let's go back to Magnolia." Gajeel helped his exceed partner down from the table he had passed out on and they started out the door, but were intercepted.

Minerva rushed ahead of them to open the door for the two Fairies and gave a seductive smile, "Thank you for visiting us, boys. Come again."

She winked at Pantherlily as he left the building and laughed wickedly. The exceed gulped, hoping that Gajeel didn't notice the wink directed at him.

After they were far enough away, Gajeel grumbled, "I wonder what her problem was…"

Pantherlily just laughed, hoping that his dream was just a dream.

Oh yeah! The Evil Stick totally went there! If anyone noticed, the Pantherlily/Minerva ship was constructed and sailed based off of a totally irrelevant and off-the-wall comment that Lily made in the manga. Review or suffer a date-debilitating acne outbreak.

Notice on updates:

Professor Erza's Manditory Sex-Ed Course will come out in 2 or 3 chapters instead of the anticipated one-shot. Yup, The Evil Stick still sucks at one-shots since they always come out longer than expected.

Along with that, another side-story to Wendy's First S-Class Mission will be published. It will be called Unfortunate Consequences of Warren's Second Origin and it will also be rated M. So if follow The Evil Stick if you haven't already.

Other stories to be updates: To Emulate Gajeel and A Day in the Life of Aquarius.

The Evil Sticks apologizes profusely that the summer didn't bear very much fanfiction fruit. Hopefully the extra content will make up for it…