Artemis Fowl Kidnaps Holly…And Regrets It.

This is set in the beginning of the series, when Artemis kidnaps Holly. However, he ends up regretting it. Holly is not quite what he expected. Warning: Butler and Artemis are a bit OC, but Holly is REALLY OC! Rated M for adult themes!

Artemis had just sent Butler and Juliet from his study, having explained his plan to kidnap a fairy.

Soon, he would have a sizeable amount of gold to restore the Fowl Fortune.

He couldn't wait.

Haven

Captain Holly Short was not the best officer on the LEPrecon team. In fact, she was the worst. Everyday people wondered how she had gotten onto the team. How had she passed training? How had she gotten a job in the LEP?

Foaly figured she'd probably banged the right people to get on the job. After all, that was how Lili Frond got on the team.

Holly was called into Roots office.

"Short, your late!" he growled, his face red as usual. He chewed the end of his cigar and glared at Holly. "Well?"

Holly nibbled her nail. "I had to stop and get breeaakfassst!" she whined. "Spuds was a having a two for one sale on veggie breakfast potato sandwiches."

"You were late for work because of a couple of sandwiches!?" Root roared. His head looked ready to explode. "Listen, I have a job for you, and normally I would never send you, because you are an incompetent oaf, but we have nobody else at the moment. I need you to go to the surface, to Italy and find an escaped troll and get some surveillance. But you are not to do anything about it! Just wait until Retrieval gets there. Can you get some surveillance without bungling this job?"

"Yeah, sure," chirped Holly.

She got her equipment from Foaly, who wondered why Root even bothered sending her. She would likely bungle it.

Holly got into the shuttle and managed to pilot it to the surface without exploding it or herself. She picked her nose during the trip, which Foaly could see on the shuttles camera.

"Really, Holly?" asked Foaly, wincing when Holly flicked a booger at the camera screen.

"Mind your own business!" screeched Holly.

She crash landed the shuttle at the shuttle bay and got out and put her wings on and started them. She whizzed out of control for a moment and managed to right herself, dizzy and began to follow the dot on her helmet screen that showed her where to go look for the troll. She barely remembered to shield herself.

"It gnawed on a couple of cows and that bought us some time," said Foaly.

It wasn't hard to find the troll, even for someone with Holly's limited intelligence. She passed over the cow carcasses and began bawling.

"Those p-poor little cows!" she wailed. "Never will they moo again!"

"Holly, get a grip and keep focused!" Foaly yelled at her through the helmet.

"Don't you yell at me!" wailed Holly. "I must give them a proper burial!"

"W-what?" spluttered Foaly.

Holly melted some ground away with her Neutrino, leaving a sizable hole. Wincing, she pushed the cow bits into the hole and got some hay from a nearby haystack to bury them with. She knelt and a said prayer for the poor cows.

"HOLLY!" bellowed Foaly, when Holly was done.

"At least someone cared about the poor mooers!" said Holly. "Unlike you!"

She found the troll, who was roaring and swinging his club at a stone wall. The stones broke easily and the troll thundered up to the nearest building which was a restaurant.

Foaly could see through Holly's helmet cam. "This is bad."

"Where is Retrieval?" asked Holly.

"On their way, but it'll take another five minutes at least!" said Foaly.

A child cried for help in the restaurant.

"They need me!" shouted Holly.

Root got on the line. "Holly, I swear to Frond, don't go in there! That's a full grown bull troll."

"But somebody yelled for help!" said Holly.

"HOLLY!" roared Root.

"SUPER HOLLY TO THE RESCUE!" she shrieked, turning off communications.

The troll busted through the side of the building with ease. People screamed inside. Holly zoomed in with a war cry and tried to shoot the troll with her Neutrino.

The troll roared angrily and swiped at her.

"Hey, you're not supposed to see me!" yelled Holly, flying across the floor of the restaurant. She crashed into an empty table. "Owie!"

Holly realized far too late that her magic had run out and she was visible to everyone in the restaurant, including the troll.

A table leg had snapped off and Holly grabbed it. She had dropped her gun. She brandished the stick of wood at the troll.

"Back, I say, back!" yelled Holly, while the people in the restaurant stared in stunned horror. "Your time of doom is at hand!" she shouted, using a line from a movie she'd seen recently.

The troll roared and grabbed her. Holly kicked her legs and jabbed the stick at the troll. By sheer luck, she shoved the stick up its nose and into its brain. The troll roared and dropped her and fell over. She didn't know if it was dead, but at least it wasn't trying to kill anybody.

The people in the restaurant sat in stunned silence, looking at her, the troll, and the side of the building, which had been smashed apart.

Holly looked at the destroyed wall and then the people.

"Sorry," she told them in Italian. "I'm sure that will buff right out."

She took an orb from her pocket and placed it on the floor. She told them to look at it in Italian. Everybody leaned in, curious.

Holly closed her eyes and turned away as it flashed with a bang and everybody passed out. They would wake up later, with mass headaches. Oh well.

Exhausted, Holly sank into a chair and fell asleep.

A few minutes later, Root was smacking her face.

"Holly, wake up!" he yelled, looking a little concerned.

Holly opened her eyes, forgetting where she was. "Mom, just five more minutes."

"HOLLY!"

"Oh, hi, Root."

Root looked ready to have a stroke. "We thought the troll hurt you. You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"I saved the day! Yay!" shouted Holly.

Root shook with suppressed anger. "You and I are going to have a talk when we get back."

Holly pouted.

"Shield!" shouted somebody. "Somebody is coming!"

Everybody shielded. Holly, out of magic, couldn't though. A toddler wandered out of the bathroom and pointed a chubby finger at Holly and said something.

"You can't see me," whispered Holly, running to the wall and covering her eyes.

The toddler shrugged and crawled into its mother's lap and fell asleep.

"Holly, why didn't you shield?" roared Root.

"You can't seeeee meee!" whined Holly, peeping between her fingers.

"You mean you came up here with hardly any magic!"

Holly lowered her hands. "I-uh-"

"Go replenish, and get back to Haven, and to my office!" Root yelled. "NOW!"

"Aye aye Captain!" said Holly in her best pirate accent. She got her wings on and flew up into the sky.

She would go to Ireland. She knew of a spot where there wouldn't be a bunch of fairy hippies dancing about, since tonight was a full moon. She went over the ocean, skimming across until some dolphins came up to see her, chittering and diving through the waves, keeping pace with her.

"Hi, Holly!" said one, who knew her. Holly had seen these dolphins plenty of times, flying across the oceans.

"How's Uncle Bottlenose?" asked Holly, speaking dolphin.

"Pretty good," said the dolphin. "His nephew, Flappy, got one of those plastic things from the soda packs stuck around his neck, but we should be able to get it off before it chokes him to death."

"Cool, well, see you!" said Holly.

She flew across Ireland and found a spot where she could top up. She was not looking forward to the talk Root wanted to have. Maybe she should run away, become a renegade LEP. She could be like Batman, one of those Mud Men Superhero's she'd read about. Live life on her terms, fight crime, and not report to anyone but herself. Maybe Foaly would leave the LEP and be her butler.

Root would probably send a bunch of LEP people to arrest her.

She'd just have to suck it up and deal with Root. If he tried to fire her, she could offer him a hand job to get him to reconsider.

She landed and took her helmet off.

"Ah, sweet surface air," she said.

Several feet away, in a cam tent, were Artemis Fowl and Butler. They had been scoping out spots across Ireland, waiting for a fairy. Artemis, seeing a figure land, nudged Butler.

Butler grunted slightly. Too small to be an adult and the proportions were all wrong for a child.

Holly, oblivious to the hidden Mud Men, got and acorn and bent down to bury it.

A dart whizzed over her head.

She jumped up and got in a crouch. Two Mud Men approached.

"Stay back human," said Holly. "You don't know what you're dealing with."

Yeah, that sounded cool, thought Holly.

"On the contrary," said the smaller Mud Man. "You don't know what you're dealing with."

Holly tried to mesmerize them, using the last trickle of magic in her.

"You will go away and leave me alone," she intoned.

"No, we won't," said the bigger Mud Man.

"You are getting very sleepy," Holly continued. "You are under my spell!"

The Mud Men stepped closer and Holly could see they had on mirrored sunglasses.

How does he know? Holly thought. She did the next best thing she could. She tried to run.

A dart hit her right butt cheek and she fell down.

"Ow, my ass," she mumbled, before passing out.

She awoke later, on a bed, in what appeared to be a concrete cell. She felt disoriented a bit from the medicine.

"Hello," said a voice.

A Mud Man with raven hair stood there.

"You're awake."

"What have you done?" asked Holly. "Do you know I could turn you into a pile of pig droppings with my magic!? You will regret this!"

The human smiled.

"Or maybe troll droppings would be better…"

The human chuckled lightly. "You have no magic. I know all your secrets. We've had you on a drip for seventy two hours straight. You've told us all your Peoples secrets, plus your own."

Holly gasped and sat up. "You know all my secrets?"

The human smiled again. "All of them." He was lying, but Holly didn't know that.

"That time in the garage with my cousin was an accident!" said Holly. "We'd been drinking and-"

Artemis's smile faltered. "Never mind about that. Your People will likely want you back, so they will have to pay a large ransom of gold."

"What gold?" asked Holly.

"I know about everything, remember?" the human tipped his head slightly.

Holly nibbled her nails. "Shit."

The human left.

Holly sat on her cot, scared. She felt something digging in her side, and realized she had her acorn still…

A girl with blonde hair came in, wearing sunglasses too.

"Well, aren't you strange looking," said the human.

Holly glared at her. Maybe she could try flattery.

"Ohh, you're so pretty!" said Holly, batting her eyes. "What's your name?"

"Juliet," said the girl.

"I'm Holly," said Holly. "Ooh, what do you put in your hair to make it so soft looking?"

"Redken," said Juliet.

"I bet your eyes are stunning," said Holly.

Juliet giggled. "All the boys say they're pretty."

"Could I see them?"

Juliet shook her head. "He said not to take off the glasses."

"Who?" asked Holly.

"Artemis," said Juliet. She pointed to the camera.

"Oh, that meanie?" asked Holly. "Please? Just a second?"

"Well-" Juliet begin to take her glasses off then laughed. "I'm not stupid! He told me about your tricks!"

She left the room and Holly fumed. She was stuck in a cell, the prisoner of Mud Men. Her weapons and helmet were gone. She was helpless.

Hopefully, Root and the others would be on their way to help her. They would probably use that-that-what was it called? Time Halter Thingymabob-that thing that made time stop. They would swoop in and save her and then Blue Rinse the place.

Artemis, in his study, watched his prisoner on the camera. Holly was picking her nose.

"Really?" muttered Artemis. Holly looked around and then ate the booger on her finger.

Artemis turned away. His prisoner was a nose picking, booger eating fairy? What the hell had he gotten himself into? He had expected something of at least moderate intelligence.

Later, it turned out there were visitors. A group of fairies could be seen on the camera on the front avenue, ready to storm the place. Butler was sent out to deal with them. He dispatched most of them with roundhouse kicks and karate chops. The last one he left conscious. He picked it up and held it to his face.

The fairy was so scared, it farted, a loud wet one.

Butler shook the fairy. "You tell your superiors to bring someone to negotiate. And take all your comrades weapons and make a neat little pile.

The fairy was so terrified, it shit itself. "An officer never surrenders its weapons."

Butler shook the fairy again. "What was that?"

The fairy tried to speak proudly, despite the crap smell emanating from his soiled underpants. "An officer never surrenders his weapons!"

Butler smiled. "Just thought I'd try."

He released the fairy, who was wondering where he could get new underpants.

Later, Artemis went into the cell. Holly was pouting on her bed.

"Please just let me go!" she pleaded, clasping her hands and putting on the sad puppy look.

"That won't work with me," said Artemis.

Holly scooted off the bed and got on her knees. "Maybe we could work something out?"

"One of your superiors is coming, and I shall tell him what I want," said Artemis, greedily thinking of all the gold he could get.

Holly scooted closer on her knees and reached for Artemis's zipper. "Maybe I could do something for you and you let me go?"

"What the hell?" Artemis jumped backward. "You're crazy! I'm twelve!"

"I'm only eighty," said Holly.

"Eww!" said Artemis. "You're older than my grandma. Get away, you nut job!"

"No, I was going to give you a blow job, so you would nut-"

"I might press charges!" shouted Artemis, leaving the room.

Holly sat on the bed. She thought her idea would work. She had done it to get her job. Lili Frond had told her it would work whenever she needed or wanted something.

A bright idea sparked in Holly's brain (a true miracle). She began thumping the bed up and down, trying to crack the concrete, so she could plant her acorn and get her magic back.

She kept doing this, until the concrete did indeed begin to crack…

Butler stormed into the room. "What are you doing?"

"I'm so bored!" whined Holly. "You guys don't feed me anything!? I want a salad, with fat free dressing because I'm watching my figure and-oh screw it, give me a chocolate cake! I'm having a bad day. I'm also about to start my period in a few days and-"

Butler quickly rushed out before he had to hear anymore. He found some chocolate cake in the refrigerator and put a slice on a paper plate with a plastic spoon (not a fork in case the prisoner tried to gouge his eyes out). He brought it to Holly.

Holly's eyes got all big. "Ohh! Chocolate! You are my friend."

She stuffed her face with the cake, finishing it off in about thirty seconds flat. Then she figured she'd try her trick with Butler.

She got off the cot and reached up, trying to rub Butler's chest in what she thought was a sexy way. With Butler's height, she could barely reach his stomach.

"Oh, my big strong man," she purred. "My protector and bringer of chocolate cake."

"What are you doing?" asked Butler. "Get away. You're like a kid. I'm not a pedophile."

"But I am actually older than you," said Holly. She smiled, showing that her teeth had black bits of cake stuck between them. Not sexy. She spoke in a sultry voice and moved her hands lower and began to undo his belt buckle. "You just need an older woman to teach you the ways of love!"

Butler screamed like a little girl. "But I'm still a virgin!"

"I'll be gentle," said Holly, smiling wider.

"No!" screamed Butler, running from the room in terror. "I'm not ready!"

Juliet came in a moment later. "What'd you do to my brother? He's out in the hall sniveling and crying."

Holly didn't go for women, but Juliet was her last option and Holly was really desperate. "If you're a virgin, I'll be gentle."

Juliet's jaw fell open and she ran from the room.

Holly plopped on the bed. Well, she had tried everything.

She continued thumping the bed until the concrete cracked some more and she could bury her acorn. She did so and felt the magic enter her.

"Heehee," giggled Holly, shimmering out of view.

Artemis, fuming his study, was planning to ask for extra gold since the prisoner had just sexually assaulted two of them and made a pass at Juliet. He looked at the camera and saw Holly was gone.

"Juliet, go check on the prisoner," he barked through a radio.

"Fine," sighed Juliet. "But if she says anything to me, I'm knocking her out."

Juliet stomped down to the cell and looked around. Holly was gone.

"Can't see shit with these," mumbled Juliet, removing the glasses. "They're not even vintage yet-"
Holly suddenly appeared, and began to mesmerize Juliet.

"You will stay here in the cell and let me out," she intoned.

"Ookkay," sighed Juliet. "But it'll be so boring…"

"There is a huge flat screen on the wall, wrestling all day," said Holly.

Juliet looked at the wall and her mouth dropped open, her mind supplying images that weren't there. "All right!"

Juliet sat on the bed and clapped as two of her favorite wrestlers went at it in a grudge match.

Holly skipped out the cell and locked it. She shimmered out of view. Time to make those Mud Boys pay…

Butler, doing his rounds, tripped on a string drawn across the stairs. He landed on his face at the bottom, and the next thing he knew, someone was pulling his underwear out the back of his pants and over his head.

"WEDGIE!" shrieked an invisible voice.

"NO!" screamed Butler, flailing. "THESE ARE MY BEST BOXERS! MINIMAL SKID MARKS!"

Leaving Butler with the worst wedgie in history, Holly skipped up the stairs, giggling. She had take Butler's radio and now she held it up to her bum, before letting one rip.

Artemis heard a fart in the radio. "Juliet, if that was you that is not funny!"

He glared at the camera and noticed Juliet was in the cell, sitting on the bed, clapping and giggling. Her sun glasses were gone. Butler was at the bottom of the stairs, struggling. He appeared to have received an atomic wedgie.

His study door suddenly opened and shut.

"I know you're in here," said Artemis, angrily.

Suddenly he felt wind in face and smelled something awful.

Artemis just got his face farted on.

"Ugh!" shouted Artemis.

Suddenly he felt a small fist wham him in the crotch.

"My balls…" moaned Artemis, collapsing on the floor.

Holly left the room and ran around the manor. She wound rubber bands around the spray nozzle in the kitchen, so if someone turned the water on they would get squirted. She put salt in the sugar containers and sugar in the salt containers. She hid all the toilet paper in all the bathrooms. She took a dump in Artemis's bed. She found a couple of neon vibrators in Angeline's bedside drawer and put one on Butler's pillow. She took tampons from Juliet's bathroom and colored them red and brown with lipsticks from her makeup. Once she was sure they looked real enough, she spread them around Butler and Artemis room. She also found prank itching powder in Angeline's room and mixed some into all of Juliet's foundation, eye shadow and blush. She peed in some face lotion of Juliet's and mixed it in real good and added some itching powder to thicken it back up.

Giggling, she skipped down to the kitchen and turned the thermostat way up in the fridge so all the food would go bad.

Artemis, recovered from his attack, ran out in the foyer of the house.

"HOLLY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

A bright orange vibrator suddenly whizzed through the air and hit him in the cheek.

"I found that in your mum's drawer," said a voice.

Artemis yelled and swiped at his face. "EW!"

Butler was still fighting with his wedgie. "Help meeee!"

Holly tried to run past Artemis. Artemis seen the slight haze and stuck his foot out. Holly tripped and hit her head. Artemis quickly helped Butler out of his wedgie.

The door bell rang.

"This is Commander Root! I've come to negotiate for the prisoner!"

"He can have her!" said Artemis, nodding to Butler.

Root was very surprised when the door suddenly opened and there was Mud Mountain. Butler was holding Holly by her neck and her belt and he flung her outside.

"You can have her!" shouted Artemis. "Forget the gold! I'm pressing charges! Your elf sexually harassed us, physically assaulted us, and screwed with a bunch of shit in our house! You will be hearing from out lawyers."

The door slammed shut.

"Wow," said Root.

Holly sat up.

"What did you do to them?" asked Root.

"Well, I took a poo in Artemis's bed, gave Butler a wedgie-"

"Never mind," said Root. "Let's get out of here. Guess we don't need to blue rinse the place."

A week later, Artemis received an email on his computer from Holly, saying he didn't need to bring lawyers into it if he would let her do him a little "favor."

The End.