This trip? Girl, wake up! This trip doesn't end when you get back home. You never get off this train!
Haymitch's words earlier that day hit Katniss like a punch in the stomach. The visit to District 11 had been disastrous. All she had wanted to do was get the tour over with and go back home. Never get off this train. This changed everything. Her mind flashed forward to a loveless marriage, possibly children. The "performance" could never end; nothing to look forward to, no surprises, no hope. Why should I keep doing this? She asked herself. Prim. Do it for Prim. A soft voice inside her head answered without missing a beat. Her head was swirling.
Now sitting in the luxurious black and silver cocktail car of the train, she was vaguely aware of Haymitch and Peeta discussing how to convince President Snow their little act was real.
"We could get married." Katniss said all of a sudden. She inwardly cringed at how defeated her voice sounded.
Surprised, Peeta and Haymitch fell silent and focused on her. She continued to stare straight ahead as Haymitch scolded her for making jokes.
"I'm serious." She said flatly. "If it's like you said and we're on this train forever it's gonna happen eventually. Why not now?"
Haymitch thought for a second. A smirk slowly formed on his face, no doubt picturing President Snow's reaction.
"It would make a statement, that's for sure," He said after a moment.
Peeta, seeing the indifference on Katniss's face, and looking equally defeated, simply said "Let's do it," and promptly left the room.
Katniss went straight to her room and closed the door. Tomorrow they would likely announce their impending wedding to the world. It was all happening so fast. She saw the rest of her life laid out for her and she wanted none of it.
Finally alone, she stripped off her clothes, angrily throwing them to the floor. She got in the shower and turned it up as hot as she could stand and tried to scrub the day away. Feeling slightly better afterwards, she pulled an oversized v-neck t-shirt over her now-pink skin and wet hair. The shirt was made of soft cotton and came almost to her knees. I would wear stuff like this all the time if Effie would let me. Just one more thing I have no control over. Katniss collapsed on the bed. All she wanted was to crawl into it and forget everything that had happened today and just not be conscious for a while.
But sleep wouldn't come. Of course not, she thought bitterly. Troubling thoughts of Peeta, the old man from District 11 and dealing with the Capital the next day kept running through her mind and she couldn't shut it down. After tossing and turning for almost two hours, she threw the covers off and headed to the dining car to make a cup of tea.
She was sitting alone in the dark, watching the moonlit scenery fly by. She wondered what everyone was doing in District 12. Probably sleeping like I should be. She had just begun pondering adding a bit of alcohol to her beverage when she heard someone else come in. The person turned on a small light, just enough to see where he was going. Katniss let out the breath she didn't realize she was holding when she saw it was Cinna. She was relieved as she didn't think she could handle dealing with anyone else. He walked over and sat down near her. He wondered how she felt about the engagement. She had never seemed too over-the-moon about Peeta, but Haymitch did mention it was her idea.
"Hey," She said and managed a small smile. They sat in silence for a moment before he spoke.
"Dare I say congratulations?" He asked cautiously.
"Don't you dare," She answered miserably. She felt like throwing one of the expensive designer pillows at his head.
"Oh...well then let me start over," He said and took her hand in his. "My sincerest condolences."
That got a laugh from Katniss but her smile soon faded. Cinna gave her a concerned look. It wasn't fair. First the Games and now this. Katniss was staring at the floor.
"At least you'll have the most divine wedding dress in the universe," He said gently.
She tried to smile but her mouth just quivered and tears fell from her eyes.
"It's like my life isn't mine anymore! I mean really! What was the point of surviving the Games if I have to live like this," She said, getting more worked up.
It was too much to handle. Putting on an act 24/7 was incredibly draining. This was the first authentic conversation she'd had in a long time. Cinna gave her hand a squeeze.
"I'd rather be dead."
"Don't ever say that." Cinna said, his tone serious, almost angry.
"Why not?" She cried, not caring if anyone else heard. "It's true!"
She moved closer to the window. In a flash of impulse she pushed it open and jumped up onto the ledge.
"Katniss!" Cinna grabbed for her arm, but missed.
"I should end it all right here, right now- on my terms, not theirs!"
"Katniss- just stop for a second and think- you know you can't do that!" Cinna said firmly. He held his hand out to her. Katniss didn't take it.
"Give me one good reason!" She yelled, furious. Angry tears burned her eyes. Who was he to tell her what she could and couldn't do! She had more than enough reasons to leap from this train going 200 mph.
"I'll give you two." He said, taking a step towards her. "Your sister Prim," He said first.
She shrugged and gave Cinna a blank look.
"I can never be what Snow wants me to be," She said, shaking her head. "I'll just end up getting her killed."
"And if you just give up and die- you think that won't kill her?" He said.
Cinna's words were like a slap in the face. Katniss imagined Prim being told she had killed herself and she knew he was right. He was always right. But that didn't make it any easier. There were no good choices here. She felt incredibly foolish all of a sudden.
Just then, Katniss felt herself pulled forcefully from the window ledge and thrown to the carriage floor. Cinna had grabbed her when she wasn't paying attention. She blindly fought her captor and got in one good punch but soon found her hands held to the floor. She instinctively kept kicking and thrashing around trying to get free, in her mind fighting against the Capital and everything she had been forced into. She had never been so angry. She heard a distant voice calling her name over and over- a voice that sounded like Cinna's. She was confused and tried to focus on it. As she did this, the voice got closer. Finally, she came back to reality and found herself on the floor with Cinna putting all of his weight on top of her. She stopped struggling and he saw the recognition in her eyes.
"If you calm down, I'll let you go," He said evenly.
Katniss nodded, still breathing heavily. Cinna released her hands and rose to a kneeling position. Katniss sat up slowly, feeling slightly dizzy. She began gingerly rubbing her wrists.
"You're stronger than you look," She said, feeling somewhere between impressed and embarrassed.
"So are you," He said, wincing as he touched the spot under his left eye where her punch had landed. It was just starting to bruise.
"Oh shit did I do that?" She blurted. "Don't move."
Katniss jumped up and quickly grabbed a cloth and some ice sat down next to Cinna. She gently placed it on the bruised area and held it there.
"Sorry," She said sheepishly and looked at the floor. "I don't know how you put up with me."
"Neither do I," He said. "I must be crazy out of my mind."
"Come on- you know you love me," She joked but then, for some reason, felt awkward after saying it.
Cinna just sighed and brushed a stray lock of tousled hair out of her face.
"My hair's always a mess," She said and looked away, hoping he didn't see her blush.
"Hey," He said. "I want you to promise me something."
"Anything."
"No more talk about dying. Ever. Ok?"
"I promise," Katniss said and she meant it.
Satisfied, Cinna nodded. They sat in silence for a moment. Cinna drew his knees up to his chest and leaned back against the velvet couch. Katniss stared at her nails. I wish I hadn't bitten them so much. They'll have to be re-done. Remembering something, she turned back to Cinna.
"Hey Cinna," She asked, the wind from the still-open window whistling in the background.
"Yes, Katniss?"
"You said you had two good reasons for me not to jump- what's the second one?" She asked, her inquisitive eyes locking with his. He had beautiful eyes- green with flecks of gold. Cinna held her gaze.
"Me," He said without hesitation.