Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy and Fox, Last Kiss lyrics belong to Taylor Swift.
[EDIT: 24/08/11 - SEQUEL NOW UP ON MY PROFILE! :) It's called Back to December, so if you like this then you should check it out!]
OK, so I love Brittana. Just sayin'. Anyway, I was listening to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift (which, if you haven't heard it, listen to it while you read this) and looking at Brittana pictures and I thought huh, what if something happened and Santana and Brittany were separated? I mean, they're kind of soulmates, if you hadn't noticed, so that's gotta hurt. So this is my thoughts on that. Hope you enjoy, please R&R!
Last Kiss
Summary: Santana never expected to have to live without Brittany.
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away
As a rule, Santana does not do begging. She doesn't plead. She doesn't ask for things, she demands them. And yet here she is, watching Brittany with a quivering lip, a broken request slipping from her throat.
"Please don't do this."
"I have to," Brittany says, avoiding Santana's eyes.
"You don't. You're nearly eighteen. They can't force you."
"I don't have a choice, Santana. I'm sorry."
"You said you loved me."
"… I know."
Brittany picks up her suitcase, pretending that she doesn't hear the sob that escapes Santana's lips. She knows that if she hears Santana cry, she won't be able to stop herself – she'll break down as well. And Brittany has to be strong. This is hard for both of them, and it isn't fair to expect Santana to be the strong one. After all, she isn't the one who was leaving.
"I have to go," Brittany says again, finally looking into Santana's dark eyes. The other girl is freely crying now, for once not trying to appear tough. Brittany steps forward, almost hesitantly, holding out a hand.
At first Santana flinches away.
"I promise to call you," Brittany says softly, and something inside of Santana snaps, and she's back to her usual bitchy self.
"Don't bother," she retorts. "I… I don't want you to."
That hurts, but Brittany knows she doesn't mean it. She doesn't want to fight, not now when she's leaving, moving to the other side of the country. So instead of calling Santana out, she steps closer and tilts Santana's chin up with her hand. She kisses her, softly and sweetly, and despite her anger, Santana can't help but respond. This is what they are good at – these small, intimate moments, kissing and touching, but normally it's more passionate, and normally, there aren't tears on Santana's cheeks.
Brittany leaves.
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th, the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms
Santana closes her eyes, waiting for her to come back.
She doesn't.
"Brittany?" Santana whispers. She imagines how this scenario would play out if they were in a movie – Santana would run, right out of her house, out of Lima. She would chase Brittany to the airport and declare passionate, undying love for her, and Brittany wouldn't get on the plane. They'd kiss in the rain. All good romance stories end with kisses in the rain.
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Except that's not how it happens in real life, so instead, Santana locks her bedroom door. She lights candles – lots of candles – and retreats into her walk in closet, her favourite place to hide when she's upset. She runs her hands along various incarnations of her old Cheerios uniform. The pleated skirt, the long-sleeved shirt for the winter months, the red and white candy striped socks that she, Britt and Quinn had convinced Coach Sylvester to order for Christmas time. Her closet normally comforts her, but now, everything inside just reminds her of Brittany. There are even a few of Brittany's clothes in here, stuff that she left behind after sleepovers. Santana reaches for one of the stupid hats that Brittany loves so much, tugging it over her hair with a low sigh.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
She doesn't know how long she sits there, but at some point, she falls asleep. When she wakes, it's morning. If it were any other day, she would call Brittany. They would drive to school together. But this isn't any other day, and Brittany is gone, so Santana pulls on a knitted dress and a pair of stiletto boots and goes to school alone.
She manages to avoid her friends all day, until Glee rehearsal, and that's when the pain hurts the most. Seeing Britt's empty chair is almost too much for her, but it's even worse when the other members of the club see her walk through the door alone. Rachel shoots her a pitying look. Kurt lowers his head respectfully. Even Artie, Brittany's ex-boyfriend, manages a sympathetic smile. Santana can't take it. She runs to the bathroom so that no-one will see the tears fall, and once she is there, all she can do is say the same word over and over again.
"Brittany."
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I rolled my eyes and then you pulled me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you did
She doesn't know how she's supposed to do this. Brittany has always been there, right from the beginning. Even when they were little kids. It was Brittany who taught Santana how to dance. It was Brittany who convinced her of all the good things about Glee club. It was Brittany who helped Santana realize who she was. It was Brittany, always, always Brittany.
Because I loved your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
Brittany was there for Santana when she finally plucked up the courage to come out to her parents. And Brittany was there for Santana when they told her they couldn't deal with it, when they kicked her out of the house she'd lived in since she was a little kid. She was there for Santana through all of the difficult times. She was the one who gave Santana a place to stay. She was the one who finally convinced Santana's parents to let her come home.
She was the one Santana had given her heart to.
Santana leans against one of the sinks, unable to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks, unable to quiet the strangled sobs emerging from her chest. Pull yourself together, she orders, but it's too difficult. She's never been good at showing emotion and now everything that she's bottled up over the past few years is tumbling out, triggered by Brittany's sudden, final absence.
And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
She fumbles in her backpack for the hat that she fell asleep with, the hat that still smells like Brittany. She knows the smell will fade. She knows it's weird to sit in the bathroom at school, sniffing someone's hat. But she doesn't care, because for now, she has a tiny piece of Brittany with her, and she's going to hold onto it for as long as she can.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips, oh
She doesn't go back to Glee rehearsal. Instead, she goes home and rids her room of everything that reminds her of Brittany. Memories flash through her mind as she rifles through the room – there's the "LEBANESE" t-shirt that Brittany made for her. There's the fluffy pink stuffed elephant that Brittany won at the fair and gave to Santana. There's Santana's half of a heart-shaped "BEST FRIENDS" necklace, from way back when they were tiny kids. She wonders if Brittany took her half when she left.
She fingers the gold chain and tosses it in the trash, ignoring the tears pricking at her eyes.
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
It gets easier. Weeks pass, and soon, Santana can't feel Brittany in her bones anymore. She knows that the rest of the Glee club are keeping in touch with Britt – Kurt in particular misses her almost as much as Santana. They don't tell Santana about Brittany's new life, not unless she asks. They don't know that Santana checks Brittany's Facebook page almost daily, searching between the lines for any sign of a love interest, a new best friend – a new Santana.
So far, there are none, but still Santana is afraid.
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
She tries to be happy for Brittany, but a part of her – a vindictive, jealous, heartbroken part – hopes that Brittany is miserable. Why should Brittany get to be happy while Santana is broken? Why should she be allowed to move on and make new friends, a new life for herself, when it's her fault that Santana is drifting through days like a ghost?
She knows that those thoughts are wrong, but she's trying. She is.
She just never expected Brittany to leave her.
So… I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Weeks turn to months and Santana knows that Brittany has forgotten her. She sleeps with the hat that Britt left behind, a hat that no longer holds Brittany's sweet scent, but has become a sort of talisman for Santana even so. She's learning how to get by without her, but she still needs this little piece of Brittany, this one, tiny thing to hold onto.
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss, forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips, just like our last…
Eventually, she's able to think of Brittany without the pain piercing her chest. Eventually, she forgets how broken and desperate she was when Brittany left.
But she doesn't forget their last kiss. That last, sweet, lingering kiss, that Santana felt all the way down to her toes. She doesn't forget how Brittany made her feel when they were together – the happy, delirious, carefree feeling that no-one else could ever bring out in her. Eventually she learns to be grateful for the time she had with Brittany.
Because even though Brittany may be gone, a part of her will always be with Santana.
That turned out a lot more depressing than I expected it to... but I still liked it :) Poor Santana *tear*. I like to think Brittany would come back after this. I could write a sequel where she comes back and Santana's like bitch, please, you broke my heart but then they end up back together. I probably won't, but yeah. I could. Er, anyway, please review! :) Hope you liked it.