The Worst Feeling in the World

Ezra's P.O.V.

I sighed as I heard her get out of bed. This had become a routine this summer. Every night, she would wake at two in the morning and go run. It seemed like that was all she did anymore. Most mornings she would sneak back into bed around four, hoping that I wouldn't notice her absence. I did though, every night. She was in a downward spiral while we were supposed to be having the summer of our lives. It's not every summer that we have the opportunity to spend the entire summer at the beach with our friends. But she isn't; therefore, I'm not. She seemed to be getting better around graduation, but once summer started she relapsed. She didn't want anyone to know, but everyone did. I was running out of options. I don't know what to do anymore. She won't listen to me, or anyone for that matter. I let her leave though, as I did every night. If I confronted her, she would just lie and say she was going to the bathroom and to go back to sleep. Or she would pick a fight. That was too risky with her being at such a fragile state now. I wouldn't be able to sleep until she climbed back into bed and I could wrap my arms around her shrinking frame.

I shook my head, hoping she would see my disapproving feelings about this. I want to help, but she won't let me. You can't abandon a recovering anorexic in the state they're in, even if she was no longer recovering. I don't know what else to do though. She's killing herself and she knows it. And that makes me hate myself for not being able to save her.

Aria's P.O.V.

I ran until my legs were shaking so bad that I couldn't stand it anymore. I was on the verge of collapsing, and I didn't want to push my limits since I was out at three in the morning on the beach by myself. I sat in the sand in my spandex shorts and sports bra. I pulled my headphones out and observed the abandoned beach. The waves were too far away to lap over my toes, which was probably a good thing. The fifty feet between the water and myself was my saving grace. Those fifty feet were what kept me from going over the edge. A shiver went down my spine as the ocean breeze crawled through my body. I know I'm a failure at recovery. I want to look normal again; I want to gain weight. But I can't. My body physically can't handle it anymore. I don't want to lose weight, which is confusing for most people. They don't understand that I want to get better. I want people to stop looking at me with pity. I want Ezra to trust me again. I want everything to go back to normal. But it won't, at least not anytime soon. I could feel my body shutting down, resisting the urge to succumb to my disease. But slowly, without me really even noticing, it was. And I hated it.

After I cooled down, I warmed back up. I took another run down the other side of the beach. By the time I arrived back at the beach house, which Caleb's mom had loaned to us for the summer, the sky was starting to lighten. I checked the time on my iPhone, 5:37. I walked to the porch and grabbed my sweatshirt that I brought out when I left hours earlier. I slipped it over my slim frame and walked out onto the pier. I watched the sun rise over to ocean. I heard footsteps behind me a few minutes later, but I didn't turn around.

"You know you have to stop right? It's killing him. It's hurting us all." The voice said the owner's body sat down beside her. A mug filled with coffee was offered to her, and she accepted. Coffee was her weakness.

"I know, but I can't. It's the worst feeling in the world. Knowing you're hurting everyone around you, but feeling like you can't control it. That's how I feel. I want it to stop. I'm scared. I'm really, really scared buddy." I said, not moving my eyes from the water. My voice was monotone; I didn't have the energy to waste my breath.

"Ar, we care about you more than you will ever know. We can't help you though unless you let us. We only have a month left of summer before we all leave for college. I think you're going to regret it if you don't embrace every minute of it." Caleb said, wrapping a blanket around her body.

"I know that, but I've just got to convince myself that the rewards will outweigh the pain that comes with recovery. I'll get there." I lied. Maybe I won't get there, but for his sake, I would lie.

"What're you doing awake anyway?" I tried to change the subject.

"Do you know how hard it is to sleep with you getting up every morning at 2, Ezra huffing and puffing and tossing and turning until you get back, and in addition to that, Hanna snores like a madman," I chuckled at that part. He was right, Hanna snored like there was no tomorrow, but I never really thought about how my nightly routine affected everyone else in the house.

"Sorry about that, I'm trying."

"We know you are hun." Caleb put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me close. Caleb and I had really gotten closer this summer. He was probably my best guy friend, besides Ezra of course, but he was my best friend overall. We watched the sunset and drank our coffee in silence until the sun was well up in the sky. I checked my phone, 7:17. We headed inside, knowing everyone else would start to wake up soon. Before we reached the house though, Caleb pulled my arm.

"You know there isn't a better day to start than the present." He winked at me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I could do this without having to go back to that place. Radley made me want to keep starving myself, that's how much I hated it. I nodded at Caleb and went inside. I poured myself another cup of coffee and grabbed the paper. I liked being the first one up so I could read the paper first. If I woke up last, I would have to wait for hours until I could read the paper. Ezra, Spencer, Toby, Paige, Emily, and I all read the paper when we wake up, so it's quite an argument every morning. Caleb was making himself an omelet and he offered me one. I contemplated it for a second; if I said yes, then I would feel guilty for eating, if I said no, then it would seem like I wasn't even trying. I nodded my head yes; I was feeling adventurous today.

A few minutes later, my omelet was ready and I moved to the breakfast bar to eat it. I poured myself a small glass of orange juice to have with it. I took the first bite, which was always the hardest. It felt good to eat again. The feeling of having something in my stomach again made me feel real. Like I was an actual person and not just a body. I could only finish half of it, and I took a few sips of my orange juice before I felt full. My stomach shrunk so I couldn't hold as much anymore as I used to. Caleb smiled as he took my plate away. That made me feel better about myself.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"I want to get better, but I'm going to need your help. And I don't want anyone else to know. I want them to know I'm serious about getting better this time. I want them to see me when I'm completely healed. And you know my habits better than anyone except Ezra. So help me, whenever you see me heading downhill, stop me. Do whatever you possibly can to stop me, even if it includes locking me in a room or something weird." I laughed at the last part. I wanted to surprise Ezra by getting better without him having to take care of me for once.

"For sure. We're all here to help though Ar." I smiled, knowing he was right. We stopped our conversation when we heard someone coming down the stairs. It was Spencer and Toby. Caleb offered them omelets and they agreed. Spencer stole the morning paper from me, but that was okay, I was basically finished anyway. I already felt more energetic than most days. I would just need to stay distracted today, that would be the first step. We had a casual conversation the four of us when we heard Paige come downstairs. Hanna and Ezra would most likely be the last ones to wake up, like every morning. I debated sitting here or getting a shower. I decided to not shower, since I really wanted to go to the beach. About forty minutes later, I was on my fourth cup of coffee, Ezra clambered down the stairs, still half asleep. I smiled when he raised his arm to scratch his back and his shirt lifted up, giving me the perfect view of his v-shaped stomach. His pajama pants sat low on his hips, showing the perfect amount of skin. He saw me first and sighed. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and greeted me with a kiss on the forehead.

"Morning." He said in his sexy just-woke-up voice. He had his glasses on, which I thought was the biggest turn on.

"Morning," I replied, grabbing his hand in mine. He grabbed a bowl and poured cinnamon life in it. He snagged the chair next to me and ate his cereal.

"So what do you want to do today?" He asked me, probably expecting me to say nothing.

"Let's go to the beach."

"Really?"

"I mean yeah, it's right outside the house, so why not utilize the freedom, you know?" I said much to his surprise. He was excited, I could tell. After he ate, we got ready for the beach around eleven. He was ready much quicker than I was, so he went downstairs to wait with the rest of the guys. I put my bathing suit on, which was something I hated. I knew I looked disgustingly skinny. My ribs were showing, my spine showed and my thigh gap was bigger than it had ever been. My bathing suit barely fit my body; it hung off of me.

Ezra's P.O.V.

I sauntered down the stairs in my bathing suit and a t-shirt, with my sandals in my hands. I received my towel from the back porch and sat with the rest of the guys on the deck.

"So what time did Aria call it quits this morning?" Toby asked me, knowing not to bring it up around her.

"She never made it back this morning, so I'm not quite sure."

"I went out around 5:40 and she was sitting on the pier, she didn't run too long I don't think. But, we watched the sun come up, and we talked. She's really trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but she is. She ate this morning." Caleb offered, which surprised me.

"Really?" Caleb nodded and told me what she had. I was proud of her for trying at least. I sighed, wondering what was taking her so long. The thought flickered through my mind that she was having difficulties. I went back up the stairs to get her. I knocked lightly before opening the door, not waiting for her response.

"Hey beautiful, ready to go yet?" I leaned my head in to see her looking at herself in the mirror.

"Uh, yeah, just about." She fluttered around, wiping her eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I stepped farther into the room, already knowing the answer.

"Nothing, I'm fine, I promise." She put a smile on her face and reassured him.

"Okay, but just so you know, you look gorgeous. You are the most beautiful girl in the world, and I cannot wait to spend all of next year with you in New York. I love you." I tilted her head up, so she was looking at me. I placed a kiss on her lips and squeezed her hand. She smiled thankfully. We both descended down the stairs to see the rest of the group waiting for us. We left through the backdoor and our first step off of the porch was onto the sand. We walked a mere fifty feet to our designated spots. This section of the beach was private, so there was no one else within our view. That was nice, we could do whatever we wanted. Aria wanted to get some sun before going in the water, which I thought might be good for her. We had been here for a month and a half and she was still so pale. She had only been to the beach a handful of times this summer, so I was glad to see her coming out. Us guys went into the water almost immediately. Toby had taught us all to surf this summer, so we spent a lot of time doing that. About an hour and a half later I saw Aria approach the waterline. I went in, taking my surfboard with me. I put it down in the sand, promising her that I would be right back. Instead, I put it down and ran back to where she was standing with her back towards me. I lifted her up with little to no effort at all and threw her over my shoulder. She shrieked as I ran into the water. She was screaming and laughing the whole way there. When I had finally run deep enough into the water, I threw her back over my shoulder into the warm waters of South Carolina. She popped up from the water a few seconds later with a huge smile on her face.

"I can't believe you did that!" She jumped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist.

"Well you better get used to it. I like having you out here!" I told her and she smiled.

"I kind of like being out here." She kissed me powerfully. I haven't gotten a kiss like that in a while and I was so glad to have it. I could already tell a difference in her behavior. I kissed her back and she slipped her tongue in my mouth. I did the same as she tightened her legs around my body. I groaned because I had missed her so much. Not just her body, but her in general. I really wouldn't be able to stop if we went any farther.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, we really need to stop or we're going to have to an issue." I smirked as I glanced downwards. She knew what I meant with my eyes gestures.

"Well I've had a long day already, I hate to ruin our good day, but I think I need a nap." She told me. I understood, of course she would. She's been up since two and she's run probably ten miles and has been way more active than she normally is. I nodded and led her back to our towels.

"We're going to head in, this one needs her nap." I joked as I gathered our things. Everyone nodded saying they would be back by 5 at the latest. It was only around 2 now, so Aria could get a nice nap in. I don't know what I'm going to do, but that's oaky, I would do anything to make her happy. We put our towels back on the porch to dry and I followed her up to the room that we had claimed for the summer.

"I'm going to take a shower while you nap, so if you need me, come get me. "

"Don't take a shower now if we're just going to get dirty later." She said in a tone that I hadn't heard in months. I turned around and saw that she had a seductive look on her face.

"So there's no nap…" I trailed off.

"Oh no baby, there's no nap." She laughed as I crawled on top of her.