The sky was like a gray canvas or some other piece of gay bullshit like that. That's something like a poet would say, isn't it? Well I'm no poet; I'm just a fourth grader who attends South Park Elementary. But still this scene seems so poetic, so sad and suspenseful and I don't know what else.
We're all gathered outside the South Park Mall. Unfortunately this poor building will be the site of a massive bloodbath. Its Black Friday. Right before Thanksgiving the first thirty shoppers inside the mall get an eighty percent discount. And I want to use that discount to buy an Xbox. But….there's a problem.
At first it was me and a bunch of friends who wanted new gaming consoles. But we split in to two groups. Some of the kids want to use the discount to buy Xboxes (my side) while the other side want to buy PS4's. My super best friend Stan is on that side…
…and if I see him I'll have no choice but too beat him inside that mall.
At. Any. Cost.
My side is lead by Grand Wizard Cartman. The wise sage told us of Black Friday. He is our leader. Our forces are strong. We have the kindergartners, the Federation, the Harry Potter kids, the sixth graders, the glee club, the swim team and the jocks on our side.
Craig and Tweek's side? Well…they started of with only a few warriors but their side has grown.
The Goths, vamps, ugly kids, handicapped kids, the book club and Janice Pinkerton are all on his side. Little do they know that there is a double agent within their midst…
Our leader takes a few steps forward to confront their side.
"Ah Craig! Tweek! What a wonderful surprise. So tell me, how does it feel knowing that PS4 lacks the amazingly epic power to switch from movies to games like nothing? Hm?"
"Screw you fat boy!" retorts Stan pissed.
"Oh my, my, my. Somebody has quite a bit of sand up their vaginal canal, haven't they?"
"Give it up fatso." Says Craig, the cause of The Great Split "You know you can't win! We have handicapped kids on our side! They can hit you and get away with it but if you lay a finger on them you'll be in deep shit with your parents!"
Cartman scowled at Craig's logic "Whateva Craig! I do what I want!"
Cartman turns to us with a victorious smirk.
"Minions! Listen to thine master's voice. We shall not lose!"
Various cheers went up from the crowd.
"Let us not forget this day. The day that we teach these Sony fucks a lesson that they shant soon forget!"
More cheers.
"Let us kick them in the nuts! Let us drink ale from the decapitated heads of our fallen enemies! Let us blow them away with the sheer kewlness of our army's strength-"
A kid from my class wearing Vulcan ears suddenly cried out "Let us use Torchwoods facilities and equipment to pull the Daleks and the Cybermen into the void between universes where they shall remain trapped for all eternity! Unable to terrorize the human race ever again!"
There was a deafening silence as Cartman's eyes shot daggers at the speaker. If looks could kill…
"Kevin GOD-FUCKING-DAMN-IT! Every Goddamn fucking time! Just Jesus-like we try to get you to stop quoting Star Wars but then you start quoting Star Trek and after that its Lost in Space! I mean seriously! How many space TV shows are there? EVERY FUCKING TIME KEVIN! You ruin the Goddamn MOMENT EVERY FUCKING TIME!"
Cartman was taking deep breaths by the end of his rant "Kevin *gasp* Jesus!"
A short silence followed before Craig decided to break it "Whatever fat boy! With the numerous additions we've made to our group it is now possible to defeat you! And its all thanks to princess Kenny!"
Cartman burst in to laughter "You'd think so. But in fact the princess works for me! Come on Kinney! Bring their minions over to join my side!"
The princess started to approach Cartman but something was off…
"Muwahaha! Foolish mortal! Does thoust thinks that even for a minute I considered your proposal?"
"Wuh-What?..."
We were all stunned. What was the princess talking about? Who's side was she on?
The princess grinned before announcing "While you drama queens were all caught up with each other I was out rounding up an army of my own! Come on out girls!"
Seconds later a number of ropes fell down from the roof. And sliding down these ropes were all the girls in fourth grade. The princess laughed evilly.
"Ha! My girls will take you all on! Stan, Kyle, Eric your all dicks and if I'll make sure none of you get any consoles or die trying! Girls, ATTACK!"
Upon Princess Kenny's command the girls charged towards us, pulling swords, wands and poison daggers from their sheaths. Many girls still remained on the roof firing down flaming arrows, gasoline filled water balloons and bricks at us.
Both Craig and Cartman cried out; urging their sides to fight. Deciding that the girls on the roof of the mall needed to be taken out as soon as possible I turned to my squadron of elves and raised my arm:
"Elves! Pull your bowstrings!" their was a sound of string being pulled back "Aim." Dare I give the command? "Fire!"
The elves released their bowstrings and arrows went soaring into the air hitting the girls on the roof of the mall causing some to fall backwards out of sight, and others to just fall off the roof and onto the cold hard earth below.
I pulled back the string of my bow and aimed an arrow at Heidi Turners head. I released the string with a twanging noise and the arrow embedded itself deep within the girls skull. But we had bigger problems.
The adults. They were starting to get out of control. They'd been queuing up outside the mall for days now but finally they were starting to snap. I could see the security guards trying to stop them but I knew that they would certainly succumb to the mass of shoppers.
"Huhu! The pretty girls gotta unicorn shirt on!"
I turned and saw Bill and Fosse circling Bebe Stevens.
"Huhu! That's gay!"
"Yeah she's gay!"
The chuckling duo started to approach Bebe, unaware that she was arguably the most deadliest of the female warriors. The blond raised a horn and blew into it making a loud noise. Seconds later, just as Fosse was pulling out his dagger a unicorn charged towards the duo and speared Bill through the stomach.
Bills blood started to pour freely from his mouth and stomach on to the ground below. The unicorn whinnied before turning and promptly kicked Fosse in the head, caving in his skull!
I take out my dagger and stab several of the enemy elves who charge at me. Bam! Knife goes in, guts come out. I repeat the stabbing process several times until the corpses of several elves lie before me.
I hear an agonized cry. I look up and I'm very surprised to see Craig lying on the ground crying out for his mommy, cradling a small bloody bundle in his arms. Tweek is beside him trying to calm him down. Then I realize what Craig is cradling in his arm. Clyde. The boy has been cut in half, all that remains is his head and torso which Craig is currently crying over. Suddenly I see movement. Its Kevin! And he's sneaking up on Tweek, I open my mouth to cry out a warning but its too late.
Within seconds Kevin has got right behind Tweek, the biggest nerd in fourth grade with all his Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica memorabilia and all his god awful sci-fi quotes and his Vulcan ears places a hand on Tweek's shoulder. The blond lets out a short yelp before being knocked unconscious. The Kevin pulls out a-wait what is that? Is that a fazer? Oh Kevin Jesus Christ! Of all the things he brought to a battle he had to bring that? Goddamn that guy sucks.
With just two fazer blasts Craig and Tweek are killed. I look around the battlefield in shock. Bebe Stevens was still on her unicorn but it was being swarmed by kindergartners, I did not see Ike anywhere…Damien Thorn, the son of Satan, was burning various children and laughing when suddenly his head explodes as the only surviving girl on the roof, Annie Faulk (with several arrows sticking out of her) pulls the trigger of a sniper rifle…
I stop and stare at the mindless violence all around me…why? Why couldn't they just see what we saw? Xbox is the superior console? Why was that so hard to understand?
I can hear the sounds of battle starting to fade. Corpses of young and old alike are littered throughout the parking lot. Blood has painted the ground a deep crimson. Suddenly I feel a presence behind me. Without even thinking about it I close me eyes, raise my sword, turn around…
And plunge my sword straight in to the body of whoever's behind me. I smile relieved, but then I open my eyes.
"Stan?"
Stan Marsh, my super best friend, my first friend is standing there. I let go of my sword in shock. It remains sticking out of his chest. He tries to speak but nothing but blood comes out of his mouth. He falls backwards and I run to grab him.
"Stan! Stan I didn't mean-I'm sorry! I-"
His eyes start to lose focus. He simply takes a deep breath. Releases it…
…and is still.
I don't know what to say or do. I am overcome by so many emotions. Grief, sorrow, anger….but most of all guilt. I didn't know it was him standing behind me. I swear I didn't.
"Ha *pant* we did it! We did it!"
That voice. Its his fault. We wouldn't of known of Black Friday if he hadn't told us.
"Ha! We did it! Oh mah Gawd we seriously did it!"
"You." I spit with all the venom I can muster "You did this."
Grand Wizard Cartman turns to look at me. He doesn't have a scratch on him. The fat bastard let everyone else do the work while he just cast invisibility and shield spells on himself.
"Chill out Kahl, its no biggie."
"No biggie?" I am appalled by his response. I know he's evil but I never thought that he could be this cold.
"Our friends are dead you fat turd!" I scream.
"Our side is still in the majority." Points out Cartman.
I look around, Heidi and Red are walking in to the mall chatting animatedly about the shoes that their going to buy, not even glancing at the bodies of Bebe, Wendy and all the other poor unfortunate girls laying beside them.
Butters is smiling happily and skipping towards the store. Dougie, missing everything below his left knee struggles to keep up.
Kevin is laughing like a maniac whilst carrying the stolen wallets of other children.
Various kindergartners from our side are in the throes of death, begging to be put out of their misery.
That unbelievable bastard. This! This is his definition of victory!?
I pull my bloody sword out of Stan's body. Its about time I did what I should have done several seasons-I mean years ago.
I charge the fat fuck and see his superior smirk turn in to a look of pure fear.
"MOM! Meeehm! Meah-"
Swish! Clunk.
The fat asses head hits the ground and roles a few feet away. His body slumps forward before he lets rip a terrible fart and craps himself. I can't help but think of that fart boy incident and smile at the feeling of fulfillment.
I walk over to the head pick it up.
"Don't try to fuck with a Jew Cartman. If we don't sue your ass of in court then we'll make off with your head!"
I can't help but break in to laughter; I toss my sword over my shoulder. Hey, its not like I need it anymore right? I hear a cry of pain. My sword ends up impaling the princess who had currently been singing and dancing about how she survived The Battle of Black Friday.
Oh well its not like anyone cares about her, I mean she'll probably be back for MarySue's next fanfiction or whatever.
I make my way over to Stan's body. He chose the wrong console…and he paid with his life.
I make my way in to the mall, passing the mutilated bodies of security gaurds, barely recognizable as human beings.
You see I've learned something today. We're all capable of doing sick and twisted things even if we don't think we are. And its important to note: Xboxes are better. If you side with PS4's then your just going to lose.