Author: TemporaryUniverse
Character(s): Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Spencer Reid, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia, the squirrel
Summary: Derek Morgan was not afraid of squirrels. Or, the one where a small, brown, rodent causes trouble for the BAU. Could be labeled as crack. A couple of f-bombs, but pretty tame otherwise.
Words: 719
Disclaimer: You don't want to know what would happen if I owned Criminal Minds. But I don't. So you won't. Enjoy this randomness my brain came up with, I promise to put the characters back when I'm done, even though I don't want to.
Derek Morgan was not afraid of squirrels. If confronted, he would vehemently deny his rather amusing, for the onlookers at least, reaction to that one inexplicable rodent that had jumped him while he'd being sitting back down at his desk with his fresh coffee. He had not, in fact, screamed shrilly and tried to clamber onto the the desktop while reaching for his gun to shoot the 'furry demon-creature' as it bounded cheekily around the bullpen. Nosiree. Morgan was not scared of squirrels.
While she took no issue with squirrels, Prentiss was rather reluctant to get near the thing, having no desire to get bitten and then have to go to the hospital for rabies shots. That would not be fun. So she kept her distance, preferring instead to have a laugh at Morgan's expense, because who would've thought Big Bad FBI Agent Derek Morgan had a phobia of squirrels?
When Reid came in to his office with a package of peanuts in one hand and a thick, woolen jacket in the other, asking for an extra duffle bag, Hotch thought nothing of it. Until a high-pitched shriek and the unmistakable tone of Morgan shouting "GET IT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" startled him from his paperwork. A worried glance out the window didn't provide much information, other than a view of Morgan standing on his desk with his gun drawn and the most panicked look Hotch had ever seen on his face, Prentiss doubled over, her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter, and Reid standing calmly to the side with his duffle bag, sweater, and peanuts. What the fuck, he thought.
When the commotion started, Rossi had been extremely curious, and more than slightly alarmed. Anything that could make Morgan scream like that was worth looking into. With a gun handy, of course. Just in case. The landing above the bullpen gave him the perfect vantage point to see what was happening. He watched the little brown-furred, bristle-tailed rodent dart around the floor as Morgan screamed obscenities at it. The agent was probably more dangerous than the squirrel at this point. Rossi blinked. Then blinked again. He continued to stare disbelievingly as Reid opened his bag of peanuts, shook out the sweater, crouched, sprinkled a few nuts on the floor in front of him, and coolly told Morgan to stop shouting. The the kid started chittering. Rossi had never been more confused in his life.
When the squirrel had first rushed into the bullpen, squeezing past him as he opened the glass doors, Reid been startled. Hearing Morgan scream loudly and jump onto the desk had been even more startling. After the initial shock, Reid quickly came to the conclusion that the rodent needed to be removed from the premises, but everyone seemed to be reluctant to be the one to do it. Sighing to himself, Reid snatched the bag of peanuts he kept in the desk drawer he had saved for snacks. He also took off his thick sweater, and went to ask Hotch for a duffle bag.
JJ entered the bullpen with Garcia, only after Morgan had quieted. So they had no idea about the chaos that had just occurred. They only realized something was happening, Morgan on top of his desk was a big clue, when they came in and saw Reid squeaking softly on the ground with a pile of peanuts in front of him. They watched as a squirrel, tempted by the peanuts and no longer agitated by Morgan's yelling, came tentatively toward him. Once it was in range, he tossed the sweater over the rodent, scooped it up, and stuffed it carefully in the duffle. Then he walked out as if nothing unusual had happened. Garcia and JJ exchanged a glance, equally bewildered and amused.
"Squirrel-y, squirrel-y, shake your bushy tail. Squirrel-y, squirrel-y, shake your bushy tail. Crinkle up your little nose, crack a nut between your toes. Squirrel-y…." Garcia sang cheerfully once they had removed the offending animal from the premises. At Morgan's glare, she bopped him on the nose with her finger and pranced away to her lair of screens, her merry voice echoing through the hallways. It wasn't entirely her fault that Reid was softly humming the catchy tune the rest of the day.
A.N. The likelyhood of this happening is very low, but if it were to happen, I have a feeling this would be exactly how it went. It's always the tough ones who are scared of the most unlikely things.
A.N.2 This fic was partially inspired by my best friend and an overly-friendly squirrel that likes to hang out around my school.