AUTHOR'S NOTE : Okay, I had written this up last year, I think, and initially had reservations about posting this. Just seemed a bit too silly and far-fetched. Plus I feel like ending isn't as strong as it could be, but it was that way where I had dug myself into a hole and thought "Fuuuuuck!". Anyway, it was enjoyed by the people I did send it to for their amusement. Nevertheless, it exists now, so I hope you enjoy and see that it was all written in good fun.
I own nothing but the slightly worrying mind that typed up this story :)
A PRANK TOO FAR
Jack Phillips was absolutely fed up with sending messages from the First Class. Sorry, that should be, the demands of the first class. He and his colleague Harold Bride didn't see the need for extravagant gestures and excessive demands. Nor did they see the need for the wireless operators of the Californian to send them random cheek.
"God, I hate that idiot," Phillips lamented, as Bride passed him another demand from First Class. "His mother must have done a terrible job of raising him!"
Bride chucked. "Why don't you tell him to get lost then?"
"I would, but after that iceberg warning we received earlier, I'd rather not piss off any of the passing ships," Phillips reasoned, though secretly disappointed .
"Lads, I have a few more messages for you," Sixth Officer James Moody appeared with a bundle that looked to be about eighteen-thick.
"Oh, you're kidding, right?" Bride moaned, taking the bundle and looking at it ruefully.
"I'm afraid not, sorry," Moody replied apologetically before leaving the Marconi Room to continue with his duties.
"What bollocks is it this time?" Philiips asked, after sending out that last message.
"The usual, private trains, orders for maids and things," Bride answered as he flicked through the messages. He tossed them on the desk and looked out the door. He could see two of the lookouts, Frederick Fleet and Reginald Lee chatting in the corridor, presumably on a break from their duties.
"Harry, how are ya?" Fleet asked as he and Lee walked towards the Marconi Room.
Bride responded with a half-hearted shrug before slumping against the door frame. "Sometimes, I hate the First Class."
"Me too," Lee piped up. "They think that because they have all that money, they can get whatever they bloody well want!"
"Bastards!" Fleet declared, sidling into the room and standing over Phillips, who was attempting to get through his messages as quickly as possible.
Bride and Lee followed behind, the latter closing the door. The three of them watched as Phillips sent the last of his messages before pulling his headset off his head and wearing it around his neck.
"I can't deal with these first class people anymore," Phillips sighed, just as another message came through the headset. He held it away from his ear due to the furious speed at which the message was received.
"The Californian again?" Bride asked with a grin. Fleet and Lee sniggered behind them.
"Their operator couldn't be any more of an idiot unless he tried!" Phillips protested, slamming his headset on the desk. "Apparently, I am not to be trusted, and that I have the face of a girl."
"That's all they could come up with?" Lee asked. "That's disappointing."
"Idiots don't have good insults," Fleet began. "And they don't know when a good insult comes their way."
"True," Bride said, thinking for a moment. "How about we teach them a lesson? All of us?"
"I'm in," Fleet and Lee chorused.
"Definitely," Phillips smiled. "What did you have in mind?"
"Think we could obtain some guns?" Bride suggested off the top of his head.
Lee shook his head. "Doubt Officer Lightoller will tell us where they are."
"Oh ..." Bride hung his head in disappointment.
"Shame this ship doesn't come equipped with cannons," Fleet remarked to some laughter.
"This ain't a pirate ship Freddie!" Lee chuckled.
Phillips suddenly stopped still for a moment, a deranged yet delighted look spread across his face. He jumped up from his chair and yelled, "I've got it!"
Bride locked the door. "Go on then, Jack ."
A devilish smile crept across Phillips' face. "I could spread the word that there is a random tugboat full pirates trying to take over the larger ocean liners. Get them scared."
"But how would that work?" Bride questioned. "We wouldn't know if they were scared."
"Well ... We could tell them that they have taken over our ship." Phillips suggested, before looking at Fleet and Lee. "Think you two can dress up as pirates?"
Both lookouts cheered enthusiastically. They looked really excited to be doing something other than keeping watch of the North Atlantic.
"If we overcome said pirates, then we can pretend that we're ordering them to go after the Californian. Maybe then they'll actually respect us." Phillips concluded to a round of applause.
"Outstanding! I don't see where it could go wrong!" Lee exclaimed. "Well, we'll be finishing up tonight, if you want to do it then. What Officer's on watch at the bridge?"
"Lightoller, I think," Phillips guessed. "He'd be our best bet if anything went wrong, I've heard about the things he got up to on other ships."
"I'm too excited!" Fleet clapped his hands in delight and anticipation. "You two go and set it up by sending the messages and things, and we'll go and try to gather some sort of pirate costume."
"Will do," Phillips placed his headset over his head once more, and began sending out the messages. "Telling neighbouring ships to be on the lookout for a small tugboat full of English pirates."
"Blimey, this'll be great!" Lee said excitedly as he and Fleet left in search of props for tonight.
"This had better work," Bride muttered, looking pleased with himself and Phillips. He really couldn't see anything wrong initially, though something was always bound to pop up and ruin everything. He could feel it.
"They bought it!" Phillips proudly announced to Bride later on that night. "I can't believe they actually bought it!"
Bride sniggered. "This is going to be great!"
"What is going to be great?"
Bride spun around to see Second Officer Charles Lightoller standing the the doorway. His arms were folded across his chest and he didn't look pleased in the slightest. Despite his reputation for mischief, he could be intimidating and stern when he needed to be.
"A ... Party ...?" Bride couldn't think of anything to say, and he knew he would have been better off silent than coming up with that pathetic excuse.
"Doesn't sound like it," Lightoller frowned. "Maybe I should send Mr Lowe in here to keep an eye on you two."
"No need, sir!" Phillips insisted brightly, trying to look Lightoller in the eye. "We're planning on what we're doing when we return to England."
"I see ..." Lightoller wasn't convinced, and gave them one last inquisitive look before leaving to take up watch.
"Think he'll send Officer Lowe in here?" Phillips aked his colleague, who shook his head.
"I don't know, I just hope he doesn't catch Fleet and Lee. Why did they have to dress up as pirates anyway?"
"Incase one of the ships came to our assistance," Phillips answered matter-of-factly. "I think it would help them get into character too."
"What character? How are the other ships meant to know they're even here? Oh, I knew something would go wrong!" Bride panicked, wringing his hands.
"I believe the Californian is actually on it's way, I told them that the pirate boat was headed for us in the distance. Told them that a few hours ago." Phillips looked like he had just won an award for lying with that smug grin on his face .
"You're joking?!" Bride gasped. "We're going to get into so much trouble for this! What if they try to board?"
Phillips thought for a moment and shrugged. "Get the firearms from Lightoller?"
"We didn't even think this through!" Bride moaned, holding his head in his hands . "If the Californian comes at us then - "
"We'll deal with it if it happens. Look, worst comes to worst, we can ask Officer Lightoller for help. If they try to come aboard." Phillips said calmly, as the two lookouts appeared at the door, looking more like steerage passengers than pirates.
"We couldn't get swords, so we have a few steak knives each," Lee announced, brandishing five knives in one hand.
"Couldn't get parrots either, they only have dogs on this ship," Fleet added, looking glum as he said it. He really wanted a parrot, after the pirate stories he heard as a child, a parrot sidekick would have been the cherry on top.
"I'm getting a message from the Californian!" Phillips raised his hand so that everyone would keep quiet. He listened carefully, the colour draining from his face. "They can see us, they're going to storm the Titanic and take out the pirates."
Bride slapped Phillips over the head with such force that it knocked his headset off. "You stupid shit! Look what's happened! We have to tell Lightoller now!"
"Shall we get into character?" Fleet suggested, using one of his steak knives to carve his initials into the doorframe.
Bride looked to Phillips, shouting, "Well? This was your idea!"
Phillips looked around and took a deep breath. "Go for it lads."
Fleet and Lee high-fived each other as they sped off, shouting random obscenities and waving their knives about. Bride looked at Phillips, looking extremely worried. Phillips tried to look confident, but his lower lip was quivering slightly.
"What if someone gets hurt?" He asked, concerned about the number of knives Fleet and Lee were carrying. "Oh, God, what if they get carried away?"
"Should have thought about that first there, Jack," Bride said indignantly. "This is one bloody big mess you've got us in."
Phillips stood in silence, listening as hard as he could to the noises coming from outside. There was some muffled shouting, and the sound of knives being thrown against metal. It didn't sound too good to be honest, and the operators were rooted in fear.
"I'm going to see," Phillips said quietly after about ten minutes. "I haven't seen anyone else come by here, so maybe it 's alright."
"Shall we shut down for now then?" Bride asked, peering into the corridor.
"Already done," Phillips replied tensely . "I guess there's nothing else to do but go and see what's happening."
Walking quietly to the wheelhouse, Bride nudged Phillips, telling him, "You're taking the blame for all this you know!"
"I know, I ..." Phillips trailed off as they reached the wheelhouse.
Fleet was standing behind Quartermaster Rowe, holding a knife at his neck. Rowe was positively terrified, though due to the hurried whispering from Fleet, neither Phillips or Bride could be sure if he was just acting, having seemingly been informed of the situation.
"Oh, shite! Jack, look!" Bride tugged on Phillip's arm, urging him to look at the forward wheel. Lee had somehow successfully tied Lightoller to the wheel, and was now doing some sort of tribal dance with the knives. Lightoller kept his cool to an extent, looking at Lee with sheer loathing.
"He knows it's a joke!" Lee shouted to the wireless operators. "He just doesn't find it funny!"
"Lookouts masquerading as pirates! I'm tied to a ship's wheel! Another ship is here to help us from pirates! The Quartermaster has a knife held to his neck! You better have a good explanation for this!" Lightoller roared, as Lee danced in front of him, resembling a belly dancer.
Bride punched Phillips in the shoulder. "You idiot! All so we could teach the Californian a lesson! We'll lose our jobs!"
Lightoller tried to break free to no avail. "You'll lose more than your jobs if you don't free me right this second!"
"Noooo, don't do iiiiiit!" Lee sang as he danced, trying to mimic the movement of Lightoller who was tossing about, trying to loosen the ropes binding him to the wheel.
"Hark! Ye old tin of shit approaches!" Fleet announced in a gruff voice, pointing towards the Californian, where some of the ship's officers were assembled, carrying firearms.
"Are those guns?" Phillips asked Bride, who fainted in shock.
"Cool! We can pretend we killed him!" Lee yelled with joy, running over to Bride and pushing him against the wall of the wheelhouse. "I wish we had fake blood!"
"Look at tha' shower of bastards matey!" Fleet exclaimed, wiggling his knife in the air.
Rowe looked relieved to not have the steel blade against his neck anymore. He didn't want to move, and looked sympathetically over at Lightoller, still struggling with the ropes.
"Why is the Californian ..." First Officer William Murdoch appeared in his night clothes, carrying a cup of tea in one hand, and a saucer with a slice of cake in the other. He dropped both items when he caught sight of Lightoller tied up.
"Shit," Fleet whispered to himself. "Alright, Mr Rowe, you need to tell him what 's going on now!"
Rowe stumbled forwards as Fleet pushed him towards Murdoch, who was shivering slightly in his pajamas and slippers. He struggled to get any words out at first, before managing to talk at great speed.
"The Californian are idiots so we told them we were taken over by pirates who are Fleet and Lee by the way and the Californian came over to help us so we had to make it look like Mr Lightoller was taken hostage and I was being held with a knife to my neck but now they're here and we don't know what to do now you have to help us!"
It took Murdoch a few minutes to process this information. "So ... Mr Lightoller is actually fine? And this is all some prank?"
"Pretty much," Rowe gasped, trying to catch his breath after reciting the situation so quickly.
"Who came up with this idea?" Murdoch enquired, looking at the lookouts as if to blame them.
"Hey, it wasn't us!" Lee called over, standing over Bride. "It was Jack Phillips!"
Murdoch looked at Phillips, who took a few cautious steps back. He knew he was in for it big time, and was anticipating being fired or thrown overboard.
"Will, they've got guns!" Lightoller shouted over to Murdoch, who took one look at the Californian officers before nearly collapsing to the ground.
Regaining his composure, he ordered, "Fleet and Lee, get out of here right now before you get killed!"
Fleet ran towards the railing, throwing his knives at the Californian before dodging a couple of bullets as he ran through the wheelhouse. Lee wasn't so bold and dropped his knives on the floor and chased after his colleague.
"I'm surprised no-one else has came out yet!" Murdoch mused as he ran to free Lightoller.
"Good Lord that was sore being tied up. Thanks Will," Lightoller said gratefully. "What are we going to do?"
"Perhaps Mr Phillips will tell us," Murdoch looked over at Phillips, who was trying to wake Bride up. Rowe had taken control at the wheel and was attempting to stay on course while trying to avoid close contact with the Californian.
Lightoller stormed over to Phillips, and grabbed him by his waistcoat. He flung him up against the wall, absolutely seething with rage. "Right, you little bastard! What was your next move?"
"I-I-I don't know!" Phillips cried, squeezing his eyes tight shut in fear of receiving a punch in the face. Instead, Lightoller let him go.
"Why did you do this?" Murdoch asked, standing next to Lightoller.
"The Californian are idiots and -"
"Yeah, I know that. Their third officer is a right bastard, but that's not the point!" Lightoller insisted, glancing over as the Californian officers were preparing to board . "Right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to tell them that another officer has restrained them and that we are now fine. Hopefully we can sort this out before the Captain hears."
"I very much doubt that Lights," Murdoch muttered, before striding over to the other side of the ship.
"Come on, you," Lightoller grabbed Phillips' arm and pulled him away from Bride.
The three of them stood there as the captain of the Californian began yelling orders to his officers. He looked over at the Titanic officers as if to say 'what are you doing standing around?' before barking more orders.
"We've caught them!" Murdoch yelled over. "One of our officers has restrained them!"
"We don't require your assistance!" Lightoller added, waving for them to leave.
There was some muttering from the Californian officers, before one of them shouted, "You Titanic lot are a pack of lying bastards!"
Murdoch was taken aback. "I beg your pardon?!"
"That's that third officer I was telling you about. Think his name is Groves or something," Lightoller whispered to Murdoch.
"Pirates! My arse!" Another officer shouted over. "Your wireless operator's a big twat!"
"HEY!" Phillips shrieked back at them shaking a fist in anger. "HOW ABOUT YOU LO T LEARN SOME DECENT MANNERS?!"
"Mr Phillips!" Murdoch commanded. "Stop that at once!"
Phillips lowered his arm to his side, instead giving them evil glares, which they probably were unable to see.
Groves continued his shouting, "Seriously?! That's all you do on that ship is spread lies about pirates?!"
"Then why'd you shoot?!" Murdoch demanded, turning to the bullet holes at the side of the officer's quarters.
"Just in case!" Came Groves' callous reply, swirling his revolver around his finger.
"Go on back to your journey!" Lightoller yelled, shooing them away with his hand .
"Shut up Lightoller you creep!" Groves shouted over.
"Right, I'm getting the firearms!" Lightoller announced before being held back by both Murdoch and Phillips.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" Captain Smith had appeared, wearing a dressing gown over his shirt and trousers. "Anyone care to explain why the Californian is sailing alongside us?"
"Your officers are imbeciles!" The Californian's chief officer hollered to the Captain.
Looking as though he were about to blow a gasket, Captain Smith took a deep breath and bellowed, "I'LL DEAL WITH THEM MY SELF NOW PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE!"
They seemed to get the message this time as the officers filed back inside, but not before shouting obscenities towards Lightoller and Murdoch, who were replying with rude gestures.
"Don't think that this won't go unreported!" Groves called over before grudgingly going back inside.
"You three in my office NOW!" Smith ordered, staying outside to make sure that the Californian left.
"Well, I hope you're happy!" Lightoller snarked, taking a seat. "Your antics will probably cost us our careers!"
Phillips shrugged, "Hey, if they weren't such idiots in the first place -"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Murdoch barked, hitting him on the arm.
The three of them paled when Smith strode into the office. Glaring at them, he demanded, "I want a decent explanation for all this!"
Lightoller nudged Phillips and hissed, "Your idea, so you can tell him!"
Phillips slowly nodded as he told the story from the beginning, his voice filled with dread and regret.
"I think we got off light, considering," Lightoller remarked as he dusted under the Captain's bed.
"How is the indignity of cleaning the rooms of the captain, officers and senior crewmen in frilly aprons a light punishment?" Murdoch asked incredulously, scowling at his apron.
"We could have had to wear the dresses too," Phillips piped up, helping Bride make the bed.
Murdoch turned to look at him, "Don't go around giving the captain ideas ..."
Bride sniggered as he fluffed up the pillows, "He sounded really angry ..."
"He was!" Lightoller insisted. "It was terrifying!"
Phillips and Murdoch nodded along as Bride let out an exasperated sigh.
"Man, I hate the Californian ..."
Lightoller set the feather duster down and wiped his hands on his his apron. He turned to Murdoch and asked, "So what punishment did the Captain have for Fleet and Lee?"
"Oh, it's a good one!" Murdoch chuckled as he swept the floor. "It turns out several members of the orchestra have fallen ill. So Fleet and Lee have been ordered to provide music during dinner, except that they can't play instruments."
"Oh dear," Lightoller sniggered, as he resumed his dusting.
Murdoch nodded and laughed, "And they can't sing either!"
Bride's eyes widened, "Wait, they're having to sing?"
"While shaking around a couple of tambourines, yes," Murdoch replied.
"Oh I so have to see that!" Phillips remarked happily as all four of them finished with the captain's room.
"I doubt it," Lightoller sighed wistfully. "We've done one room, with another twenty-odd rooms to go ..."
"Damn," Phillips groaned as the four of them reluctantly stepped into Wilde's room. "Let's just do this ..."