A/N: Jiraiya and Tsunade are just my favorite pairing ever. There is just too much heartbreak between them to ever fully put into words. Shizuka is a byproduct for added drama. I don't own anything and I don't earn anything either. This is fiction. Enjoy.
The Better End of the Deal
"This is Tsunade-hime. Your Daddy loved her very much."
Tsunade is speechless when the woman opposite her says the words, her tone bare of the hatred and envy she has expected to hear from her. Instead the black haired woman wears what can be called a small smile on her face, her eyes locked with her son's.
She tells the truth, Tsunade cannot deny that, but it still throws her off balance - probably because no one has had the guts to tell the truth to her face for decades.
Still, it is the only time she has ever heard Shizuka call her Tsunade-him. The younger woman hates that title with a passion, always has and always will because Jiraiya gave it to her. It was always reserved just for her and no one else and that is something that the black haired kunoichi will never forgive her, the fact that he loved Tsunade more.
There is no hatred in her eyes now though, and she isn't sure if Shizuka truly has give up on her loathing of her person, or if - after fifteen years - the young woman has just gotten so good at hiding even those feelings from showing in her eyes that Tsunade can no longer see them.
In the end it doesn't matter anyway, because now he is dead and there is no attention left to fight over and no warm, crushing embrace to rush into when the weight on their shoulders is about to crush them. Jiraiya is no longer alive.
She wants to cry but can't. There are no tears left at this point, no words to express the void her best friend left when he sacrificed his life for the village and the people he loved.
"Tsunade-hime, look!" the little boy pulles on the her pant leg, "I picked flowers for you. They're golden, like your eyes... do you like them?"
Standing in front of her with eager eyes, a bright smile on his face and a bunch of beautiful flowers in his small hand he remindes her so much of Jiraiya that it is almost painful to look at him.
"Of course. They are wonderful, Tsubasa-chan." she ruffles his hair affectionately and remembers a six year old Genin handing her a branch of a Sakura tree in full bloom.
She shares a glance with Shizuka. They are so much alike.
In reality it is not true, because little Tsubasa may be a bright and joyful boy, but he is way calmer than Jiraiya was as a child, not to mention the fact that he lacks that kind of cocky arrogance that her white haired team mate never really lost over the course of more than fifty years on earth.
His hair is the same though, an untamable spiky mess that seems to grow wild no matter how short you cut it - and even at such a young age Tsunade can see the resemblance in build between the child and the Sannin that promises that he will become tall with broad shoulders and hard muscles one day. It makes her smile for some unknown reason.
Her eyes wander over the boy to his mother and she studies the black haired woman's features to search for a similarity that shows that he indeed is her son, but still can find no other than the pair of bright eyes the color of chakra they share - not that you'd need any more evidence.
"Why do you have me here?" she really is curious, "You could never stand my guts."
Shizuka only laughs in response and for a moment Tsunade cannot stop herself but think of the nine-year-old she was when they first met.
"One day he will die... and it will be your fault."
The Hokage can't deny it now, can't deny the truth that the woman so much younger than she herself had known even back then - sometimes she thinks that those damn blue eyes so many ninja call useless are worth more than the Sharingan and the Byakugan combined, because they seem to make her see what is beyond.
When Shizuka's laugher subsides their gazes look, golden eyes meeting blue ones.
"I still can't." as usual she is brutally honest and the fact is comforting to Tsunade like nothing else because there is no pretending between them. She is tired of the games and politics, the 'what if's and polite conversation when every participant just wants to smash their fist into the other parties face.
Tsunade smirks, "Any more reason to not put up with my ageless face."
"He should have been yours."
After that a long, uncomfortable silence settles between them - Tsunade hates to be reminded of that fact with a passion, hates to have her potential future dangled in front of her like this with her unable to get up and grasp it, to make things undone that can't be made undone.
At close to sixty she is past being bitter about what could have been, but that doesn't do anything about the sour taste in her mouth. Missed chances.
Taking a sip of her sake a defeated laugher escapes the Hokage, "...seems like you got the better end of the deal after all."
Shizuka narrows her eyes at her and for a second Tsunade thinks that she will lash out, give a snide remark or start to yell something hurtful, but she doesn't because a war and being a mother finally have taught the woman the self-control she before has always lacked in situations like these.
"You think I got the better of the deal?" her voice is hoarse, "I was a- no, I wasn't a substitute for you, because no one ever could've replaced you in Jiraiya's eyes ...and kami, I tried. You are Tsunade-hime the only woman he ever loved ... I realized that I could never compare to you when I was nine."
The black haired woman stops in her speech to get her voice back under control, the trembling of her words making it obvious that she has a hard time staying as calm as she is - Tsunade doesn't know anything to say in response and stays quiet.
"I have his child trough luck, because if he had been in another state when coming to Iwa nothing of that would have never happened. You on the other hand... you had him all along, one word and you could have had everything of him. He would've married you, built you a house, cared for you, done everything in his power to make you happy and given you a bunch of beautiful white haired children on top of that..."
Silence. Tsunade closes her eyes.
"I am the mother of his child. He loved you ...who of us do you think got the better end of the deal, Tsunade?"
That feeling is why she could never stand Shizuka. Guilt.
THE END