After several months of just going through the motions of living life for Charlie's sake I decided… Or rather, Charlie decided, to force me out of my self imposed exile. He dragged me with him to Billy's house on the reservation early one Saturday morning. I had tried to argue that I already had plans with Jessica but I'd used that excuse the last two times he'd tried dragging me to Billy's and he knew I was lying. He practically picked me up and carried me out to his cruiser. I refused to talk during the journey and I kept my arms crossed in front of my chest in protest.
When we arrived at Billy's house Charlie ignored me as he helped Billy load up his fishing gear into the trunk of the cruiser. I stood by Jacob while we watched our father's joke around like two teenage boys instead of middle aged men.
Thankfully, Jacob took pity on me and rescued me from having to accompany my father and Billy on their fishing trip. I followed him into the garage and sat watching as he worked on his car. Our conversation flowed easily and for the first time in a long time I felt my pain ease, I even found myself laughing softly a couple of times at something Jake did or said. When our father's returned I was shocked that so much time had passed.
From that weekend on I spent all my free time with Jacob on the reservation. Charlie was ecstatic about the change in my routine. I still had my moments where I hurt so bad I couldn't breathe or sit up straight. I would wrap my arms around my chest as tightly as possible and try to hold myself together. At times it was so bad I would have panic attacks. I had a couple of these moments in Jacob's garage. He sat down beside me, grabbed my hand and talked to me softly until the panic attack stopped. He quickly learned that any mention of Edward or the Cullen's was what triggered my change in mood and he avoided mentioning them as much as he could.
When I was alone my mind would inevitably wander to Edward and with no Jacob to distract me the panic attacks would cause me to curl up in a ball on my bed. These moments became fewer and farther between the more time I spent with Jacob. I also suffered from terrifying nightmares filled with overwhelming darkness. They were always the same, I was all alone falling down a dark pit with no end in sight. I couldn't see or hear anything, I just fell through the blackness never hitting the end of the pit.
Thankfully, just like my panic attacks the nightmares became less frequent. Charlie was most grateful for this, I think. Every time I had the nightmare I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and Charlie would run in to my bedroom to make sure nobody was trying to murder me. I felt guilty for causing him to lose sleep but I had no control over when or how badly they would affect me.
After a particularly bad night Charlie sat on the edge of my bed trying to comfort me.
"We haven't had a night this bad in a while. They seem to be better when you spend the day with Jacob?"
I nodded.
"Bella… Sometimes, we have to learn to love what's good for us."
"Jake has been a good friend to me. But I don't know if I'm good for him."
"I have watched you two together and I think you are good for him. I know you're still hurting but it will pass with time. It wasn't easy for me when your mom left. But eventually I was able to get up in the morning and look forward to what the day would bring."
"I'll think about it dad."
"Okay, I will leave you to try to get back to sleep. I love you, Bells.
Jacob was good for me I knew that, he made me feel better when we were together. But could I let myself love anyone besides Edward? And even if I could would it be enough? Was there enough left in me to love Jacob the way he deserved to be loved?