A/N: Just a little side project after reading so many parodies about Mary-Sues, I became inspired and decided to write one of my own. Yeah it's almost as cliché as the Sues themselves but I don't care! And yes, this is total crack. So anyway blah blah blah author's note blah blah blah insert something witty here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Though I doubt Kubo will ever come on to read this but I'll put it here anyway. That is all.
Me, You, and Mary-Sue.
Chapter 1: OOC and Strawberry
It was a not so normal day in Karakura Town. Eight Menos Grandes had suddenly appeared and began attacking the small town- Ok nobody really cares. When is that place not being attacked? Anyway while Karakura Town was happily being fucked up, one mysterious girl was levitating in the sky watching it all. She was staring at the town mysteriously, because she was so mysterious that everything was a mystery so she had to stare at it. Mysteriously. Her name was Maribella Amethyst Rhinestone Yseult (its French, bitch.) Summer Unique Emerald. (Even though the main focus is SUPPOSE to be Karakura Town, a whole paragraph will be wasted, I mean used to describe Maribella. Please Enjoy: )
Her luscious, flowing, rose pink hair came all the way down to her perfectly shaped behind, even though it would make more sense to have it pinned up so it doesn't, oh I don't know, get set on fire or grabbed during a battle but whatever she's f-ing perfect. Her soulful eyes were a slightly darker pink than her hair, which changed into a bright green whenever she became possessed by her inner hollow that your not suppose to know about yet. Oops. She was 5'10 and weighed 106 pounds. Seventy of those pounds were her perky G-cup breasts, that should have caused back problems and be not so perky, but they were magical breasts that had been blessed by the Ancient Gods of Boobs who lived on Mt. Booblympus, so she didn't have any problems. Despite having such a beautiful face that could be compared to none, she constantly looked sad, thinking about her angsty past that was full of angst, and did we mention angst? But 2-5 whole chapters will be wasted on that later. She was half Japanese, half Australian, a quarter French, and 1/8 Mexican, which makes her Chad's long lost cousin, but nobody cares about Chad.
Anyway, back to some "plot". In the mean time, a certain Shinigami with orange hair was doing his best to fight off the Menos Grandes. And of course, he was using bankai, because shikai was SO last season. Maribella watched him from her position in the sky. He had taken out one Menos Grande already, but still had 7 more to deal with. She had heard about him. The Substitute Soul Reaper, Kurosaki Ichigo. He was a human but also a Shinigami. She found this very interesting. Maribella then decided that Ichigo needed her help with dealing with the Menos Grandes, so she came down from her her spot and used one of her most awesome attacks. Oh wait, they're all awesome.
"SUPER AWESOME GLITTERY HENTAI ATTACK #5! BOOB CANNON!"
All seven Menos were destroyed instantly.
"Tch...", Ichigo said, finally noticing the gorgeous, multi-talented, giganto boob, unsurpassed, seductive, "more powerful than him, Renji, and Byakuya combined", guitar-playing girl.
"Hmph.", said Maribella, with a flip of her hair.
"Ichigo!"
At that moment, none other than the raven-haired Kuchiki Rukia came running up beside Ichigo.
"Oi! Rukia, what's up with all these hollow attacks lately? Yesterday about 50 hollows downtown and now 8 Menos Grandes?"
"I know. There is something definitely wrong. I've been called back to the Soul Society for an emergency meeting for all members of the Gotei 13."
"This is really serious, huh? Well, I should–"
"AHEM!"
Both Shinigami turned to look at the rose-pink haired girl, whom of which they had forgotten was still there.
"What?", said a vexed Ichigo.
"Aren't you going to ask me who I am? Since I am the mysterious girl that single-handedly took down seven Menos Grandes in one attack and is the most attractive thing you've ever seen?", said Maribella, sweetly.
"Well I would, but it just so happens that actually I don't really give a shi–"
"So my name is Maribella Amethyst Rhinestone Yseult Summer Unique Emerald. No last name. I can't tell you my angsty life story yet because we have to waste 2-5 chapters on that later, but I can tell you that I am from a rare bloodline that is descent from the angel, Aimihikari, who mated with the demon, Hironori, and had a demon-angel hybrid baby, who was my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother, Mariko Ayane Rei Yukiko Shiori Umeko Eri. In honor of her, every girl in my family is given her initials. She was the first M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. in my family. I come from a long line of M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.'s. I am a M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. My daughter will be a M.A.R.Y.S.U.E., also. Because of my heavenly heritage, I am a vizard. None of those are related what so ever, but you will accept it anyway. I am also a Kido master and and I have three zanpakuto. I know Kung Fu, Karate, Juijusu, Kendo, Taijutsu, Aikido, and Seishinkai."
"Yseult?", asked Rukia.
"But my most powerful weapons are my G-cup sized breast. They were blessed by the Ancient Gods of Boobs who live on Mt. Booblympus, as thanks for defeating the evil Gorgon, Sagdusa. They said that any woman one who looked at her...would have their perky water balloons turn into drooping hushpuppies! But I was the only one able to defeat her using two of my zanpakuto, Fuckyouupmaru and Kickassgetsu. The King of the Gods, Lord Boobucus fell in love with me, because I'm just so damn sexy, of course, and wanted my hand in marriage. When I refused, he tried to force me, so I kicked the Ass of the Gods and escaped to this small town. Oh and I'm also half Japanese, half Australian, a quarter French, and 1/8 Mexican.
"Wait, what? How is that even possible?"
"How is it not possible?"
"Where the hell did you learn math?"
"We'll worry about her later, Ichigo. Right now, we need to get to the Soul Society and–!"
Suddenly, three more Menos appeared out of nowhere, terrorizing the little town once again.
"Shit!", the orange-haired strawberry exclaimed. Deciding to end this once and for all, he readied his sword for his signature move.
"GETSUGA TENSHO!"
It barely scratched one Menos.
"NAAAANIIIIII?", both Shinigami shouted at the same time. Ichigo's Getsuga Tensho didn't work? It barely damaged a Menos? While he was using BANKAI? W...T...F...
"Heh. Looks like it's up to me.", said the pink-eyed goddess. At incredible speed, Maribella was suddenly floating right in front of the Menos the Substitute Shinigami had failed to slay. She had a sword with a pink hilt to match her eyes in her right hand. She took deep breaths, meditating in a way. She could feel the spiritual pressure of every living thing that was surrounding her. Blocking out all sounds besides the pulse of her own rapid heart, she looked into the torpid eyes of her enemy. Time stopped, frozen in the lawless moment. This is what she had been trained for, this was her moment. The captivating girl counted five of her heart beats, and on the fifth, she raised her sword and called out the command for one of her zanpankuto:
"OWN ALL BITCHES TO DEATH, FUCKYOUUPMARU!"
Twelve Menos Grandes were destroyed, even though there were only three.
"Get that BS outta Maribellizzle's court, byotch."
"I think I'm in love.", Ichigo sighed dreamily.
"Me too...", responded Rukia.
Maribella turned around, flashed them a smile and winked.
"KYAAAAAA~~~ !", Ichigo and Rukia squealed, all out of character.
"What's happening to us?", the petite Shinigami asked. " I couldn't stand her ten minutes ago, so why do I find this girl so attractive all of a sudden? And why do I wonder if she smells like oranges?"
"I don't know, but I want her socks."
Maribella flipped her butt-length hair and smiled wider.
Ichigo blushed furiously and Rukia passed out.
"Hey you, carrot top."
"Yes my celestial desire?"
"You. Me. Make-out. Now."
"Yes, Mistress!" Man, I had planned on "accidentally" stabbing this girl earlier, but now I can't resist her! Teenage hormones, ftw!, thought Ichigo.
So Maribella and Ichigo made out, even though the Soul Society and the World of the Living were in a state of emergency, but screw them. Rukia, of course, was still passed out in a puddle of her own drool, in a completely undignified way. In fact, her dignity had disappeared after she uttered that first "KYAAAAAA~~~ !". That had made Ichigo just plan fruity. Meanwhile, three human teenagers were making their way to the scene. A pencil-thin boy with glasses, a rather ditzy looking red head, and a tall, muscular boy of Mexican descent.
"Kurosaki-kun! Kuchiki-san!"
"Kurosaki."
"Ichigo..."
Ichigo was a little too busy to answer at the moment, however. So his friends just stood there , awkwardly watching him make out with a girl they had never seen before, while Rukia was passed out next to them. They pushed the perverted thoughts out of their minds. Maribella released Ichigo and let him crumple to the ground, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She took a look at the brand new people who were standing in front of her. She looked at Chad, and gasped.
"Primo?Primo Yasutora?"
"¿Te conozco?, Chad replied in Spanish.
"Soy Maribella, su prima!"
"Lo siento, pero no te conoz–"
Suddenly, Chad stared at her with wide-eyes, not because she was the sexiest thing since sliced bread, but because he recognized her. He did know her, and remembered what she had done.
A/N: Muy bien! Err, any Spanish speakers, could you please tell me just how bad my Spanish sucked? Gracias. Anyway, read and review! What you liked, what you didn't like, what made you laugh (or not), and so on. This is just a little parody, not anything with "serious" plot. (OR is it?)