What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
Kisshu was flying. Running away; from something he couldn't fathom. He wasn't giving himself time to think, to feel. The cool night air rushed past him, through him as he hurtled through the deserted park. He was so close to the bricked path he could have touched it; could have pressed his knuckles against the stone to relieve some of his pain, the pain that was cutting right through him and destroying him piece by piece.
He couldn't care about the humans that might see him flying through the air. Except for one. That thought sent him reeling; spinning through the air clutching desperately at his chest, trying to claw the agony out of his heart.
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
There was a noise ahead of him, a quiet gasp. It was astonishing to Kisshu that it had even reached his ears. But of course it had; he'd recognized her voice as soon as she'd uttered the sound. He banked to the side instinctively, falling out of the air. The crash jolted him into sharp awareness. He rolled to a stop, lying on his side, savouring the pain of the scrapes on his elbows and knees.
"Kisshu?! What the heck? You scared me." It terrified him how much the sound of her voice affected him. It elated him; erased all of his pain; pieced him back together.
"Koneko-chan!" he sang, turning around to face her; suddenly grinning. Looking at her was even better. "What's my little kitten doing, walking around the park alone at night?"
Ichigo rolled her eyes. "Ryou kept me working late at the café. He's such a- Wait…" She stopped and placed her hands on her hips. "Why am I telling you this? What are you doing here, Kisshu?" She grasped her power pendant in and raised her fists in front of her, looking around. "Where's the kirema anima?"
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
"What makes you think there is one, kitten?" Kisshu jumped into a standing position, moving behind Ichigo and wrapping his arms around her. Her soft skin felt so good against his, like her touch breathed life into him. He nuzzled her cheek with his, savouring her closeness. Her hair smelled like strawberries. Holding her made him feel like there'd never been any pain to begin with.
"Ew, get off!" she shrieked, turning around and shoving him away violently. "Why do you always have to be such a pervert?" She stamped her foot and backed away angrily.
Kisshu stumbled back, his knees giving out; he sank to the ground again. This time for some reason, instead of being cute, instead of amusing him, her anger brought all of the pain rushing back. He doubled over, clutching his chest and gasping for breath.
"You didn't answer my question," she stated harshly. "What's wrong with you? Stop fooling around! Kisshu! …Kisshu?" The anger faded out of her voice when he didn't respond.
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
Still doubled over, Kisshu placed his hands on the ground to steady himself. He tried to reach through the brick into the earth, to ground himself. He noticed his arms were shaking. "Why?" he whispered desperately, more to himself than to her. "Why won't you stop? Take away this pain. Please."
"What do you mean?" Ichigo asked warily. "You said there's no kirema anima. We're not fighting, what could I be doing to hurt you?"
Kisshu looked up into her eyes. She gasped and flinched back, shocked at the agony on his face. "My heart," he said. "You're breaking it."
Ichigo crossed her arms and glared at him. "That again? What's your problem? You don't really expect me to believe that you love me. I'm going home now." She turned and began to walk away.
Again the harshness of her words tore at him, escalating the pain that was clawing at his insides, beating its way carelessly, violently through him, constricting his throat until he couldn't breathe. His vision wavered and he began to choke. He slumped to the ground, writhing in pain.
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you
The sound of Ichigo's retreating footsteps stopped. "Kisshu?" she called. She sighed, and he heard her turn around and come back. She stopped a few feet away from him. "Is there really something wrong with you?" She said worriedly. "You didn't come after me like you normally would… I've never seen you act this way."
"Not enough," he whispered.
"What do you mean?" Ichigo asked.
Kisshu forced himself to his knees. "Not enough." He repeated, staring blankly at her face. 'Never enough."
"What? Enough what? You're not making sense." Annoyance was creeping back into her voice, but her eyebrows still pulled together with concern. She hesitantly extended her hand. Her hand there, her small, delicate hand, reaching for him, trying to help. It was killing him.
"You!" Kisshu screamed making Ichigo jump; he grabbed hold of her hand. "Not enough of you!" He bowed his head, his shoulders shaking, not wanting to look this girl, who was causing him so much pain, in the eye. When he spoke his voice shook along with his battered frame. "You care for me!" he cried. "You're concerned for me, worried about me, even though we're enemies, even though we fight all the time, and it's not enough! It will never be enough. Not for me, not for you." He held her hand close to him, his fingers clenching hard as the pain threatened to overcome him. Ichigo gasped in pain; he let go of her hand.
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
He swayed where he sat on his knees, willing himself not to fall over in front of her. Not wanting to show her just how much she affected him.
"Kisshu…" Her voice sent a jolt through him once again. "I'm sorry." His head was swimming, his thoughts spiralling downwards into nothingness. "I can't help." He gasped as stabbing pain tore through him. "I don't know if you mean what you're saying. But I love Masaya. I always will. I'm not capable of loving you."
"But you are!" he cried, struggling to his feet. "You can love me, you just haven't tried." He staggered into her, clutching her shoulders for support. He held onto her tightly, trying desperately to fight back the pain that was trying to kill him.
Ichigo shook her head, trying to push him off her. "I can't… I don't. I'm sorry." She bowed her head.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
"Don't say that!" he shouted, shaking her back and forth. "Look at me, Ichigo!" She looked up, startled that he'd called her by her real name. The innocence in her eyes was crushing him. He grabbed her hand in his own and held to his chest, pressing his forehead against hers. "Let me go, Ichigo. Save me. Stop hurting me. Please."
"I don't know how," she whispered, tears forming in her eyes.
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
A thought struck Kisshu that sent him reeling. He staggered backward a few steps then sank slowly to the ground, staring up at Ichigo blankly. "So that's it then." He whispered. "It was like that the whole time."
"What are you saying now, Kisshu? Stop it," she pleaded. "You're scaring me."
"I can't do it. I thought I could live… without you. I thought I could fight through all this… pain. But I can't." He raised his hand in front of him, looking at it intently.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am
The edges of his consciousness felt like they were fraying. Details in the periphery of his vision swam in and out of focus. He was spinning out of control.
"You don't love me…" He continued. "I can't make you mine." He looked up at her suddenly and she shrank away from him. "I tried that already." He flinched and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "And you never will. You'll never love me… And I'll never stop loving you." He swayed a little. "It's almost funny." He giggled suddenly, then began to laugh deliriously, clutching his chest ever tighter as the pain refused to leave him.
"I can't believe you!" Ichigo yelled suddenly. Kisshu stopped laughing and looked at her half curiously. "You always do this!" she continued, balling her fists, angry tears sparkling in her eyes. "You play games, toy with me. You take advantage of me, and just when I think you've decided to stop being a jerk, you go and do something like this!" Kisshu stared at her, still half smiling, his pain-numbed mind unable to register her anger.
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you,
She huffed angrily. "I've had it with you. You've wasted enough of my time. I'm leaving. I won't come back this time." She turned and walked away.
Her retreating footsteps penetrated through the haze. Kisshu scrambled to his knees and half crawled after her, stretching out one arm, trying to reach her and the pieces of him she was taking away.
"Ichigo, wait!" His voice was weak and raspy, shaking as he did.
Ichigo turned back to glare at his broken figure. "Forget it, Kisshu," she spat. "You're pathetic."
You,
"I hate you."
You
"And I always will."
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
She turned then, showing him her back. She walked away, destroying any fragile hope he still held of ever being whole again. Each of her footsteps rang in his head, stabbing through him. His fingers, still outstretched, began to tremble.
Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down
He fell, rolling to the side as he went. He landed on his back. The agony in his heart was engulfing him now, dragging him down into nothing; he didn't have any reason to fight it anymore. Red-hot talons clawed at his heart, his chest, his throat. Obliterating him from the inside out. His heart pounded loudly, the cracked fragments stabbing and slicing. He was shattered, destroyed. Broken.
What if I wanted to break?
The last of her footsteps faded into silence. He couldn't have her; she didn't want him. His kitten, his strawberry, his koneko-chan. Ichigo, the girl he loved with all his heart. With every fibre of his existence. The girl who didn't believe his feelings were real.
Bury me, bury me
Kisshu began to grow numb. The sting of his physical injuries faded out along with the sensation of the rough brick beneath him. But the pain in his heart could not be dulled or ignored. The girl who had the power to fix him, to make him whole, the girl who held his heart in the palm of her hand, had chosen to destroy him instead.
What if I,
Kisshu looked at the sky. It was as if his shattered soul had abandoned him to hide among those stars.
What if I,
Kisshu raised his shaking hand, trying to tangle his fingers in the sky. "Ichigo…" He whispered. His hand fell slowly to the ground.
What if I,
Not enough, he thought, his breath whooshing out of him.
What if I
Never enough.
Bury me, bury me
Kisshu closed his eyes.