Note: I re-watched ep 7-17 "This is How We Do It" this week and this has been demanding to get out of my head. As it sticks with show canon with regard to Jackson/Lexie, my apologies to my "Another Night" readers – I hope you like it anyway! The title comes from a Sugarland song – the full lyric is "I ain't settlin' – for anything less than everything."
After Jackson and Lexie left the room, April slumped back on the couch, mindlessly chewing her popcorn and watching the movie without really seeing it. After about ten minutes during which her brain was running about a hundred miles an hour, she realized it was a lost cause and turned the TV off, stabbing angrily at the power button on the remote.
God, what was wrong with her, she thought disgustedly as she threw her head back against the couch. Was she upset about Rob – Stark, better to think of him that way again -? She really wasn't sure. She felt bad that she'd obviously hurt him that afternoon. And she would miss having someone to hang out with and talk to, since the two people she hung out with the most were too busy hanging all over each other these days to be any kind of good company. But she'd realized pretty quickly into their first 'date' that she wasn't interested in him as anything more than a friend.
Was it good old-fashioned jealousy? Of course, she was happy for Jackson and Lexie. They were cute together. Jackson was her best friend - she knew just how long he'd had a thing for their roommate. And God knew Lexie could use the distraction from Mark and his baby-mama-drama – although, for both her friends' sakes, April certainly hoped that it was more than just a distraction. She was kinda rooting for them to be the real thing.
But, even when you're a couple's biggest cheerleader, it's hard to be around them when you're on your own. And sometimes April felt like she was surrounded by relationship pairs – Jackson and Lexie, Meredith and Derek, Cristina and Owen, just among her immediate circle, not even mentioning all the other couples running around the hospital.
Even just this evening, while starting her car, she'd caught herself looking across the parking lot in the direction of Alex's ridiculous trailer parked in front of the hospital – and saw him kissing the pretty, blonde Dr. Fields he'd been chasing for weeks. The sudden urge to cry at the sight had both startled and pissed her off – she thought she'd buried any residual feelings for Alex so deep they'd never see the light of day again. And yet, there were the remnants of that stupid crush, just making her feel worse.
"Stupid, stupid," she muttered to herself now, shoveling another handful of popcorn into her mouth.
Maybe she'd should've just said the hell with it, gone to Stark's place, seen how it'd played out. Maybe she'd freaked out for nothing. Maybe she was going to just drive herself insane with her mental debate!
"Ugh," she groaned as the front door opened.
"April?" Meredith said in confusion as she entered the living room. "What are you doing home – what happened to your movie date?"
"I canceled," April said, her tone flat, but her face betraying her misery.
Despite April's tendency to annoy, Meredith couldn't help but feel a flicker of sympathy for the forlorn figure on her couch. She was only five or six years older than April, but sometimes that gap seemed so much bigger.
She sighed and sat down at the other end of the couch. "April. You know we were all just teasing earlier today, right? Stark wasn't gonna make you take your pants off if you weren't ready for that yet. I mean, he's a jerk as far as I'm concerned, but I don't think he'd be like that."
April nodded. "I know. It's not about being ready – it's that I just don't want to, not with him anyway. It's just – those kinds of feelings aren't there." It was true, she realized as she spoke the words. There was no sexual attraction present at all – no racing heart, no rush of blood – nothing.
"Oh. Well, okay then. Better to break it off now than to lead him on," Meredith said with a shrug. "So why do you look so miserable?"
April shook her head, trying to find the right words. "I don't know. I just – I wish I felt that way with SOMEone. Not necessarily him – just – someone," she finally said before adding in a rush, "I want what you and Derek have – you make it look so easy."
Meredith looked at her for a moment before bursting into laughter.
"What?" April asked, confused. "What'd I say?"
Meredith shook her head. "Nothing – it's – I'm sorry," she apologized. "I forget that you've only known happy and healthy me and Derek. It wasn't always easy. It took a long time to get here."
"Oh," April said, feeling colossally stupid.
It must have shown on her face because Meredith smiled and said, "It's okay. You didn't know." Standing up, she added kindly, "There's someone out there for you, April. You'll find him." With another smile, she headed upstairs.
April smiled as the words brought to mind the similar sentiment shared by Dr. Bailey while sleeping off her drinking binge.
"'And he may or may not be called Ben'," she muttered to herself. "But damnit, where is he?"