AN: Hello! Here is my first Tsubasa Fic! The plot bunny hit me, coincedentally, when Lauren (my editor and bestest-best friend) and I were selling GS cookies at site sales. We got so many annoying customers, and were talking about the reactions we would have if we could say whatever we wanted (instead of "Would you like some Girl Scout cookies?") To vent, we forced the Tsubasa characters to do them instead! And added some minor KuroFai and SyaoSaku, of course! I'll stop gabbing now, because nobody reads these anyway!
EDIT: The sequel, Tsubasa's Girl Scout Troop, has been posted!
Disclaimer: If I was CLAMP, I wouldn't bother to publish fanfiction, I'd publish it period. However, if I ever meet Yuuko, you can guess what my wish will be!
Title:Come to the Dark Side-We Have Girl Scout Cookies!
Word Count: 2091
"W-would you like t-to b-buy some cookies?" Sakura stuttered nervously to a couple walking out of the store, cart laden with groceries.
"Sorry, darling," the lady apologized, "I already bought a lot."
"Oh," Sakura sighed dejectedly.
"That's ok, Sakura-chan!" Fai chirped. "No need to get sad!"
"Just remember," Tomoyo added, "Speak up when you ask them!"
Sakura nodded, determined to do better next time.
Some of the people walking into the grocery store stared at them oddly. Well, one of them oddly. It wasn't unusual to see two girl scouts during cookie season, but a blond man who looked too young and too unlike the girls to be the father wearing a PROUD TROOP MOM T-shirt was more uncommon.
"Hyuu~! Come on girls! Sell! Sell! SELL!" Fai cheered, ensuring more stares.
A teen walked up to the table. "Uh, can I get a box of Thin Mints?" he asked slowly.
"Sure!" Tomoyo grabbed the green box and the money offered in the boy's hand, and began to get his change. The teenager blinked, and began leaning in towards Sakura, who nervously began to lean back.
"E-excuse me?" At her soft, but worried, words, he abruptly grabbed his change and cookies, turn around, and left.
"…" Stunned and little unnerved, Sakura continued staring off into space.
"Well, he was a weirdo!" Tomoyo announced.
Some time later, Fai gently told Sakura, "Ne, Sakura-chan, maybe you should be more confident when you ask people." Sighing dramatically, he wondered aloud, "Where did I go wrong?"
"Would you like to switch, Fai-san?" the timid girl offered.
"I can't sell! I'm the troop mom!" Fai sadly declined.
Looking at Fai sadly, Sakura said, "You really can't?"
"Ano, um…" the blond started, staring into those sad puppy eyes (Darn! He'd taught her too well!), he gave in.
"But who cares!"
"Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"
"Dude, you're a dude. Why are you sellin' Girl cookies?"
"Do you want them or not."
"Nah."
Fai's eye twitched. That was the eleventh time in a half-hour in which he'd been asked that! Didn't they get that he was helping out his shy daughter?
"I'll take however many boxes of the Peanut Butter Patties you can buy with a $20," a gruff voice ordered. Fai beamed.
"That will be 5, but with one more dollar, you can get six!"
"What the hell? You're a guy," the man said in disbelief.
"Really? I hadn't noticed," the troop "mom" said innocently, sizing up their customer. He was tall, taller than Fai even! with spiky black hair and piercing red eyes.
"Ha ha. Give me my cookies," the man demanded.
"Now, now, ask nicely, Big Doggy," Fai scolded.
"What the f-" he stopped, noticing Sakura and Tomoyo. "Freak," he finished lamely.
"You look like a big doggy!" the blond grinned, guessing the question.
"Look, idiot, my name's Kurogane, and I just want my fu-freaking cookies!"
"Tomo-chan's getting them right now, Kuro-wan-wan!"
'Kuro-wan-wan' growled and snapped, "It's KUROGANE, you freak! MY COOKIES!"
"Honestly, Kuro-puu, you have such a temper!" Fai sighed dramatically.
Kurogane growled and was about to attack the annoying blond when Tomoyo intervened ,
"OMG, Kurogane-san!"
"Oh, shit," Kurogane muttered, staring at the waving girl.
"You two know each other?" Fai said with a Cheshire cat grin.
"Yes! Kurogane-san is my neighbor!" Tomoyo smiled. "Unfortunately," Kurogane snapped.
Fai off-handedly mentioned, "I have some rope with me." Tomoyo stared at him for a moment, and then told him, "Fai-san, you are a genius!"
Kurogane stared at them nervously.
"There!" Tomoyo clapped her hands together. "All done!" Kurogane was now tied securely to a folding chair with rope.
"What the hell?" Kurogane spat.
"Very nice, Tomoyo-chan!" Fai beamed at her, elated that she had successfully demonstrated all her knots (Girl Scouts isn't all about sewing and that junk, you know!)
"Would you like some cookies?" Tomoyo called to a middle-aged woman pushing a heavy cart.
"No," She answered.
"We're doing a program where you can donate them to the troops in Iraq!" the Girl Scout added.
With a "Thanks!" the lady walked off to the parking lot.
"Thanks?" Fai muttered in disbelief.
"Are you one of the troops or something? YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN IRAQ, LADY!" Kurogane yelled after her.
"There's no need to get annoyed," Tomoyo told him.
"They know," Sakura informed her. "Fai-san and Kurogane-san are just idiots."
Their idiocy only increased as time went on. A couple with two small kids had just finished buying a box (one box for four people!) of cookies when Fai mentioned,
"You can also donate cookies to the troops."
"Oh, really?" the man said, obviously not caring.
"How nice," his wife added in the same tone, and they began to walk off.
"You know what? Nobody cares about the troops anymore!" Fai announced.
"What?" the woman asked.
"How would you like it if you were in Iraq, Miss? Getting shot at and things like that every day, and seeing your friends get blown up by people like suicide bombers? Wouldn't you like a box of God-damned Girl Scout cookies at the end of the day?" Fai asked them calmly with a cold smile. Sakura and Tomoyo gazed nervously at him.
One of the kids stared at him with wide eyed, scared, and the parents hurriedly dragged their kids away from the crazy man.
After that incident, Sakura switched back with Fai, worried about his deteriorating sanity.
A tour bus pulled into the parking lot.
"Well, there's something you don't see every day," Tomoyo said dryly.
"Maybe they're going to the Starbucks?" Sakura offered. Fortunately, it was the grocery store the group was headed.
"It's mostly teens," Tomoyo whispered. Sakura nodded.
They couldn't help but overhear their conversation.
"Gee, all this extra money," one moaned.
"I know! I don't know what to do with it all!" another agreed.
The three girls-er, two and one male, twitched. Kurogane continued to try to escape the chair with futility.
"Stupid new only-ask-them-on-their-way-out rule (1) ," Tomoyo muttered darkly.
Later, the same group came out, arms heavy with…lettuce?
"That was a great idea to spend all our money on lettuce, Watanuki!" one declared. Watanuki, a pale kid with glasses, laughed nervously.
"Die, Watanuki" Tomoyo hissed.
The boy suddenly gulped and looked around, sensing a death wish towards him.
One boy, however, ran over to their table.
"Could I get some cookies, please?" he asked.
"Sure!" Sakura beamed, happy to get a customer. The boy blushed heavily.
"Thank you, Ms.-?"
"Sakura!"
"Thank you, Sakura-hime. Uh, my name's Syaoran." Sakura wondered why he called her a princess, but then waved off the thought.
Sakura took his money and asked, "Oh! Which cookies do you want?"
"Which are your favorite?"
"The Lemonades."
"Then I'll take the Lemonades," Syaoran said decisively. Sakura blushed and handed him a box.
Suddenly, Syaoran found a piece of paper in his hands too.
"That's my daughter's cell phone number," Fai told him. "Call her," he winked, causing the two teens to blush further.
Syaoran ran after his group, waving back at them.
"Ah, young love," Tomoyo and Fai sighed simultaneously.
The time passed by, interrupted only by the occasional incident.
Such as the one that was going on now.
An Asian man had walked by the table on the way to the store, and made eye contact with Sakura.
"NO!" he suddenly barked, scaring Sakura, who stood petrified in fear.
"…" was the rest of the group's response.
Other than that, the rest of their shift continued smoothly.
It was near the end of their shift when an elderly lady walked up.
"Hello. W-would you like s-"
"GIRLS LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK!"
"Eh?" Tomoyo and Sakura said.
"Do you know how many calories are in those cookies? And trans fat? You're supporting obesity in our country by selling those cookies!" The lady continued to rant about how evil Girl Scout cookies were and how horrible they were.
Tomoyo attempted to tell her about the new 100 calorie snack packs, and Sakura stuttered about how "H-honestly, t-there are n-n-no g-grams of, of, um, trans fats!"
That is, until Kurogane got tired of this annoying woman and snapped at her, "Look! We aren't the one eating the cookies, so I don't care!" Fai decided no to point out that he was eating the cookies.
Those harsh words caused the woman to attack Fai and Kurogane, calling them a bad influence on these girls and so on, until the normally calm (for him) blond to get angry enough to smack her.
"Look, lady, are you so batty you can't tell he told you to bug off?" somebody snarled, towering over the elderly woman.
The lady blanched at Kurogane's frown, and with a small "Meep!", rushed off.
"Hyuu~! Kuro-woof-woof escaped the chair!" Fai exclaimed.
"Just because I haven't left yet, doesn't mean that-" Kurogane angrily told him, but was cut off by a Fai glomping him
"GET OFF OF ME!"
"Thank you for helping, Kurogane-san," Sakura said, and Tomoyo echoed her, "She was positively nuts."
"Well, girls," Fai said, looking at his watch, "It's 6 o'clock. Time for us to pack up."
Kurogane roughly offered to help clean up, since he had "Nothing better to do."
Tomoyo and Sakura looked at each other, giggling.
"So," Kurogane asked once they were done. "Is Fai seriously your guys' mom?"
"Nope!" the girls told him.
"…then who is he?"
They shrugged. "Dunno. He just showed up when we started and offered to help us."
"…" Kurogane turned to ask the blond what the hell they were talking about, but noticed that he had disappeared…along with the rope he'd brought.
Kurogane put his hand in his pocket, felt something, and pulled out a piece of paper.
Call me, Big Dog!
Beneath it was a number.
(1): Because of many complaints of GS being too forceful in their selling, guidelines have been relesed, with rules such as "you may only ask customers to buy cookies on their way OUT of the store"