This has been in my lappie for weeks now. I was not sure about publishing it this late, but well, I have decided to do it. Why not? In my lappie it can get lost, and I want to preserve it. And although I know it's been some time since the #100... c'mon... who has managed to get over it?? Well, not me...
This was my therapy after the uptenth time in two days I watched the ending scene... I felt like having my own piece on it (like every other single author, it seems *lol*) and give Booth (and us) a tiny hope.
Booth's POV - his thoughts if you want, during the ending scene-. In italics the conversation we suffered between B&B.
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"I feel like betting on you"
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I feel like my head is spinning. Have we just been dared by Sweets? Have I just been dared by Sweets!?
I'm reformed, but this (she) is the only thing that would make me fall again. And it wouldn't be a real fall. It wouldn't be a meaningless game either. It'd be the bet of my life. Of our lives.
"She doesn't love me", I said, when asked by Gordon Gordon. I must have said that she doesn't think she loves me… Because she doesn't think she's able to, because she tries her best not to love. She is afraid of deception. Hope and patience, he had said. But any moment is as good as any other to place my wager…
This trip to the past has touched the complicated equilibrium we have built upon our own desires. Am I afraid? Yes, I am. But I can't wait. Not now that Sweets has intervened. It's not as if I liked the impasse in which we were settled down but I have to admit I was quite comfortable on its safety. I'd like to say "Who needs love to be real?", or think that it's better to just dream of it… but I know it's not true.
Life has hurt me enough, almost enough to stop believing in dreams. But then, I dreamed of her. Of us.
So I've dreamed. I've woken up. I've seen what it can be and now I don't want less. If we don't have dreams, we are limited by reality. If we don't believe in dreams, we cannot make them happen.
And I believe in dreams, but more important, I believe in us.
We've been moving around ourselves in circles, rotating like planets with no more direction than be back to the commencement. I can't stand that anymore. We must move forward. Search a course. Our course. New. Over the path that brought us here.
Gaming time, then.
I feel like opening my heart now.
"I'm the gambler"
I feel like all the air has been sucked up from my lungs. I don't care she looks terrorized. I need to be forward.
"I believe in giving this a chance. Look, I believe in giving this a shot."
Time stretches on the minds of lovers. Life is more dangerous than pool. But it's done now. First step. First shot. And I'm praying the black ball stays in the table till the rest are done.
"You mean us?"
I can't do anything but nod… Barely swallowing… Waiting for the earth to break. But she needs this just as badly as I need it.
"No. The FBI won't let us work together as a couple."
Ah, no…
"Don't do that. That's no reason"
I feel like flying. The scent of her skin, the warmth of her body… They are making me giddy. It was not the tequila that first night. It was not the anxiety of the crystal door and the astonished federal prosecutor watching us that Christmas. It was her, it is her. Always her. (Just her).
I feel like I could run up to the highest hill and go back down at light speed. Her lips are sweet and tender and fresh… Delicious. They're new and old all at once. All that I want. All that I've ever wanted even if I didn't know before her. All that I've longed since I first met her. Right from the beginning.
"No. No!"
Time indeed stretches on the minds of lovers. This moment was too short. It'd have been too good to be true.
It's not as if I were expecting a different outcome…
"Why? Why?"
But I was hoping it.
I feel like kissing her again. I feel like kissing her forever. If only that could be. Sometimes I think I could never have more than a glimpse of the goodness of our love.
"You think you're protecting me but you're the one who needs protection."
"Protection from what?"
"From me"
But I love her. I don't want to be protected. I just want to give her my heart bare. It is what I am doing.
She's not ready to take it…
"I don't have your kind of open heart."
I know she loves me.
"Just give us a chance. It's all I'm asking"
I know she loves me. Even thought she doesn't want to know it herself. I know it for both of us. I'm the heart guy. She is the brain. We're talking here about things of the heart, why doesn't she just let me guide her? I'll let her guide me when I need to do the logical thing. But not now… Love is not logical, love is just love. She knows that. She 's got to know that.
Maybe too deep inside. Too hidden inside her bruised heart. She is so scarred…
"No, you said it yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome."
Love is insane. Lovers are insane. So what's the problem… I don't want anything less than a crazy love for us.
I feel like shouting out "Let's be insane. Let's be insane together."
But she needs to stand her ground. Tied to the things she know, that she can measure.
"Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, all right?"
We can do it. I just know… How can I convince her?
"Let's just... hear me out, all right?
Love can last forever. Why doesn't she believe me with that? I know it. I know our love will last forever.
"You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, all right?
It's always the guy who says "I knew".
I look into her eyes, and I'm sure. I will love her far beyond I can think of. Beyond forever. Until the end of the times… Yet apart, our love would remain, would linger haunting us. Together, nonetheless, we'll be strong, stronger, our love will be like legendary.
"I knew.
Right from the beginning."
Because she is my half… My mythical half, made of flesh and bones. And brain. And heart. Even if she is afraid of letting it guide her. She is the part of me I'm lacking and yearning. My two legs, my two arms, my other face.
"Your evidence is anecdotal."
I could prove her with my life my love. I can promise her forever and do my best to deliver my promise. But I can't prove that love can be forever. Although I know.
"I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know."
I just know it… I'm certain. Why can't she be too?? Doesn't she feel it? She does... Her eyes betray her words… They tell a different story. Then, why the fear?
"I... I am not a gambler. I'm a scientist. I can't change."
But I don't want that. Please, just let me in…
"I don't know how."
It hurts. And what hurts more than her rejection is her lack of trust in me, in her. In us. However, I can't be the one to convince her of my love, or her own love. She is right, she is the scientist.
"I don't know how."
She needs her time, her own experiments.
I can't beg.
"Please don't look so sad."
My heart is breaking. Crushing… Whatever.
So it looks like it's not our time. Again. We seem made of lost moments. Of almost love.
"Yeah… You're right… You're right"
And now what?
Can I wait? Do I want to? Dreaming is becoming too painful to bear…
"Can we still work together?"
Way to test my love, my hope and my patience… My faith…
With her nothing is easy. Not that I want it to be. Life is not easy.
Love should be, easier, at least, but if we didn't suffer we wouldn't appreciate the shiny side of it.
Love is all that should be appreciated. And I do. I cherish it. I'll cherish it whatever it happens.
Yeah… I won't give up. I won't give up on her.
"Yeah"
She needs to learn to trust herself. Only then she'd be able to believe.
"Thank you"
But this is not the endgame. I just don't feel like losing. I won't settle for defeat.
A real player always dares more.
So, double gamble it will be.
"But I gotta move on."
I have his attention. She is tough, too much. Maybe she endures it and swallows the pain. But I need to do this hoping that she reacts.
"You know, I gotta find someone who's... who's going to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50."
I want it to be her, I need it to be her… I wish it with all my strengths… With all that I am…
I don't want to settle for the second best.
But this is on the long haul, and I really should get to have some options on the way. Although I won't be able to avoid the feeling that I am being unfaithful to her, two can play a game.
I placed my bet (my heart) to win. It may seem that I've lost the first hand, but the cards lay on the table now, mine and hers. Hers are still unfolded. But I can see them.
It may take some time.
I may feel like crying.
But eventually, I always win.
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If you feel like leaving a line, you're more than welcome. You can tell me whether you liked it or felt as if I robbed you 15 mins of your precious time... If it's the latter, sorry, no refunds... If you choose to remain silent, just thanks for reading till the end!! ;)