Oh god, this is so cracked, it sorta hurts. Oh, and no, I do not actually write this bad, I swear, I give you my word.
Edward: Is there a reason you made me a gay idiot?
Happymelon: Cuz I can…and you are obviously-
Edward: Don't even say it, or I will sick Alice on you.
Happymelon: Geez, somebody is a mister emo pants.
Naruto: Sasuke is here?
Happymelon:…
Edward sighed thinking of Bella. The very core of his being. His soul. His wittle goo-goo meat bear that he oh so wish he could devour like a nice juicy steak, just sink his venom filled-whoa! Getting sidetracked Mr. Brain, he scolded lightly.
"Oh Bella!" He cried suddenly, eyes glistening with a deep passion, "I am so evil, you should scorn me, and yet your love is so epically massive, I can't even bear to have you around." At the thought of his love, he decided declaring all the reasons she was amazing was very appropriate at the moment. "I love that I can't see into your mind. When I talk to you, I don't hear all the creepy stalkerish thoughts in your head, and I don't see the way you totally want to spread your legs for me." Raising the back of his hand to his forehead, the sparkly vampire swooned. "And ya, I know you totally wish you we were doing the dirty right this second, but no, you're trying to be hard to get, making a sexual tension in the relationship, which is really hot. It's obviously not some overused technique a slightly delusional author made spur of the moment." Edward was dancing around his room now, clinging tight to himself in a tight bear hug. "Oh Bella!"
At that precise moment, Bella was in her room, clipping out candid pictures of Edward and gluing them alongside cutouts of herself, then lugging out the oversized brides' magazine and taking out her favorite dresses, telling herself she hated them every single one of them, and the commitment they represented before pasting them on her paper body carefully.
"Such an Adonis like man." She mused aloud, petting the lock of hair she's taped to the page, reveling in the way that it too caught the sunlight like his skin, and was so deliciously messy even in that small of an amount. "I just can't even describe his indescribable beauty with his crooked smile and messy hair, but I'll try. Such a perfect crooked smile, and beautiful brownish kinda reddish hair. And like a perfect statue of Adonis. Oh, and your eyes! They're like topaz's…on fire! NO! SMOLDERING! Smoldering topaz's! And I can see your soul with them, like if you really wanna kill me, like when I'm flaunting myself and exposing my delicious neck, then I can tell, like, right away that you wanna suck me dry. Oh, and you sparkle, like a pretty diamond, a rainbow diamond! I mean, if you wanted to, you could just cut of one of your appendages and stick it on a ring and we could get married! Oh I'm getting so exited, I simply must call you before I pass out like I always do, just by thinking of you!" Grabbing her phone, she hit the speed dial, and squealed when she heard the ringing.
***
Edward abruptly stopped his dance when his cell phone buzzed, then started playing 'Barbie Girl'. Snatching it, he saw the caller ID, and seeing it was Bella, he did a little victory dance, swinging his hips and arms waving wildly over his head, while throwing his head up and down.
Oh wait ,he thought suddenly, I have to be calm and collected, and seem all cool.
"Hello." Oh yeah, totally nailed the aloof voice.
"E-Edward love?" Oh god his voice is like liquid sex!
"Yes my yummy bunny?" Cute names are totally hot.
"I just, you know, wanted to tell you that you're awesome and stuff. And you are totally, like, the love of my life and junk." Bella was caressing Edwards picture, lovingly making heart shapes on the page with her fingertips.
"Yeah, I know. You're my soul, so yeah, I totally get where you're coming from." Edward had began twirling in place, around all the CD cases that littered the floor, but since he was a totally agile vampire who was a million years old, and was able to defy the laws of the universe, he didn't run into any of them. He did, on the other hand, run into the wall. He hit it with a thud, making a crack deep, long in the wall, and falling flat on his face on the floor.
"Edward, are you okay?" Bella began tearing up. Oh no, her cuddle gem was gonna die because she wasn't there to protect him.
"Ehehehe. Of course I am, I was just hunting a cougar." Damn you demon wall, trying to kill me, I'll get you later. Better watch yourself, I can bite!
"B-But, that sounded more like a crack." Oh no, he was lying to protect her because he was such a martyr and would do anything to protect her, that's so sweet. Already her eyes were beginning to tear up with salt water, such a brave, brave immortal vampire he was.
"I was also smashing boulders…I wanted to feel manly."
"Oh, but you're such a man already, you don't have to do a single thing, just breathing makes you one hundred percent man." Oh no, Edward was feeling insufficient.
With the action I'm seeing, I'm not so sure…"You're completely right."
"Of course I am, I'm always right. I just hint at it subtly. But I just figured since you noticed it, I can just come out in the open." Bella smiled brightly, she was just the mistress of making everything okay. She flipped her hair, a white, perfectly straight grin on her face.
Oh Bella, you're so awesome. I wish I was like you, all normal and such. But I'm not, but I don't wanna eat you, so it's kinda the same thing, right? Edward finally stood again, brushing the dustified plaster off his blue v-neck and began prancing around the room again. Talking to his soul mate made him feel like the happiest boy in the world.
"Hey, Edward cuddly boo? I gotta go meet Jacob, because he's fun and makes me feel comfortable, and despite the fact that you're going against everything to be with me, and resisting the urge to feast upon my delicious blood, I am gonna force you to make happy with him, so see ya!" Bella beamed, Yeah, by the time I'm through with them, they're gonna be best friends. She hung up the phone before Edward had a chance to get in a word edge wise. Prancing out the door, she hugged her vampire plushie one last time before tossing it onto her bed.
On the other end of the line, Edward twitched. He didn't wanna get to know wolf boy! He was just a stupid smelly mutt, with big puppy eyes, and long pretty hair, and deliciously tan skin, and his thick lips that could do that little wibble thing when he was sad and-NO! No cute thoughts about the enemy! He wanted Bella so he could have freaky puppy thingies, and…and…uh…he…okay Edward couldn't think of any other reason he didn't like him…but still…
He sighed, throwing himself onto his couch. He was hungry. Licking his fangs, he grabbed a guinea pig out of a box next to his bed, and chewed on it thoughtfully. He was bored. He turned on an old CD of some very old composer he forgot the name of, and quietly angsted over life, until he sat up abruptly.
"No! Bella shall not have Jacob to herself! I MEAN! Jacob will not be…Jacob…Bella…TO NARNIA!!!" Running to his window, he crashed through without pausing. "SORRY MR. WIDOW!" He called, already going to speed of light to Bella, only to come to a screeching stop. Oh yeah, I don't really know where she is…Whipping out his cell phone, he pressed the speed-dial, listening to the dial tone.
"Hello?" Edward froze. Then snorted, like he could freeze, he was already a little ice-cube, but then put his serious face back on.
"Jacob! How dare you answer Bella's phone! I should bite you!" Oh yeah, Edward thought with a smirk, I am good, that little threat was friggin' SCARY!
"Uh, dude, this is my phone…"
"Wait, seriously?"
"Yeah…and you have my number why?"
"I…actually don't know."
"O-kay then, I'm just gonna hang up now…"
"Oh noes! Wait, just tell me where you and Bella are, together, alone, doing possible questionable things while I stay at my house unsuspectingly."
"You guys are acting weird today. Bella's doing the whole 'I'm gonna overstate the obvious' thing too…"
"Well it's Tuesday."
"…And?"
"Well, on the days of Tue, the-cshch-and with the weird-crackle-and then there's that ol' monkey with a screwdriver. Sometimes-bzzzzt-and that's the whole story."
"Sorry, I lost reception there for awhile, you wanna repeat that?"
"Not really, but I can tell you if we're face to face." Yeah, I'll get him on my turf, now I just gotta prep for the verbal war and where we'll banter and he'll try to get out of it and-
"Sure, whatever, meet at your house?"
"Wha-? I mean yeah, totally…" Gotta remember to be badass.
***
Jacob flipped his phone close, a smirk on his face. Stretching casually he stood.
"Jacob?" Bella looked up at him, lower lip jutting and head cocked to the side, they were having a moment, and he'd let a phone interrupt it. I mean, they were talking about what looked good on her so really, for him to answer that call was just plain evil.
"Hey Bell's? You know I'm the nicer one between me and Edward, right?"
"Well-"
"Yes, I am the nicer of us two. Admit it. But the time we're sharing is boring me now, go play in traffic please." Lumbering off the couch, he escorted Bella to the door, pushed her out of it, closed it in her confused face, and put on an evil grin. "Oh silly Edward, thinking I hate you and such, but you'll see…YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!" He crashed through the window, and ran to his garage. "Sorry Mr. Window!" Hopping onto his motorcycle, he left a sputtering Bella in the dust.
"But wait Jacob, we gotta talk about me more!" She screamed after his retreating form, but was too late. Watching him, she nodded, a little tear in her eye. "Even if he isn't good enough for me, I gotta admit, he is pretty awesome." She turned, and noticing Seth in the distance, smirked. "Hey Seth! Wanna talk?" She took a step forward, then fell flat on her face, a ladybug wiggling confused on the ground.
***
Jacob's bike thundered up to the huge mansion, it roared to a stop, and he stepped off dramatically.
"Mommy, why doesn't that man have a helmet?" Asked a small wild child living in the woods to his porcupine mother.
"Because he's a bad, bad doggy. Don't look at him, he's a bad influence." She said, before waddling off, the small child following close behind, but not too close, cuz…well, you know, she wasn't called Mrs. Prickle for no reason.
Arriving at the door, Jacob pounded the wood until he heard a noise from inside. Pressing an ear to the door, he heard small distinct clicks, like from hard soled shoes. Must be Alice, he decided. The door was flung open, and he tumbled in a big tan heap on the floor. Groaning, he rubbed his head, opened his eyes, and realized he was face to foot with some red stilettos. Huh, weird, pixie girl never really struck me as high heels sorta person. Eyes traveling up a nicely toned leg, he finally saw the owner of the foot, and it made his eyes widen and twitch.
"Er…sup Edward?"
"Shut the hell up."
"I didn't even say one of the fifteen really awesome pick-up that are buzzing in my head right now."
Edward's lip twitched like an angry dog, before he sighed. "Just get them all out."
"Really?!"
"Just hurry up already…"
"I know they say milk does a body good, but dayum, how much you been drinkin'?"
"I can't drink anything but blood…"
"You better call god, cuz he's missing one of his angels!"
"I'm actually more of a demon, but whatever floats your boat…"
"I just ran into the door cuz I was watching you, I'm gonna need your name and number…for insurance reasons."
"You collapsed through the door, and you already know my name and phone number."
"I just brought this flower over so it could see how pretty you were."
"You don't have any flowers."
"Can I take your picture, I wanna show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas."
"I killed him last year."
"I lost my number, can I borrow yours."
"No, but you can have yours back."
Jacob ran through well over fifty more before he finally tuckered himself out, then looked at Edward curiously. "So is there a reason…" He trailed off, gesturing to the getup he was wearing, which consisted of high heels, a dress, makeup, and various accessories and hair barrettes.
"Alice wanted to play dress up, and since Bella was unavailable, she chose the smallest of us."
"And she didn't dress up the blonde one because…"
"Because Rosalie said if Alice so much as touched for any reason other than sibling affection, she would personally see to it that every dress she had was ripped to shreds and burned."
"Harsh."
"That was Rosalie having a good day." He muttered.
"So…er…wanna just pick it up where we normally would."
"Yeah…ahem…I hate you Jacob Black!"
"I hate you even more you sparkle faced freak!"
"Kiss me you fool!" And it was at that moment Bella appeared in the doorway, Seth in tow, a leash and collar strapped to his neck. She remained quiet, but smiled evilly, and brought out a small video camcorder.
"Oh, all the girls in school are gonna pay top dollar for this."