Suicide Symphony

by

DES

disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, though you probably already knew that...

1

What Never Will Be

Why?

it was the only thing that went through my mind coherently as I stared, I stared till my mind throbbed and my head snapped in and out of old continuous flashbacks that staked fright to any sense of right. Everything in me was driving way over the speed limit and I was beginning to think that any sense of direction would be lost without a thought. Question after question crammed my mind monotonously.

And as everything, toned or shriveled, rapped on me, spreading as though watching a movie, moving till it became a blur, it smoothed and faded into... into...

Gold.

the color of the midnight autumn leaves, slipping to the dank ground. Gold as the sunset at the end of a warm lazy summer twilight. Gold as the sun... yes the sun, that's what shown in his eyes, it was the sun that incased his hue.

That was the only thing that went through my mind, when I felt like I'd done to many carnival rides and was about to puke my guts. I felt so dizzy, and the only thing that went through my mind without being blotted out by screaming was...

His eyes, his beautiful golden eyes.

They haunted my nightmares for so long, thoughs deep lonely pools.

Why?

His stare was hard, yet gentle, as if he was trying with all his mind to stay calm, he meant no harm.

He turned away, like my thoughtful glance somehow burned his heart. He shifted to gaze out the window, but I could still not pry my eyes of his face.

He knew he hurt me, I could tell, maybe by the anguish on his face, or the way he pulled away from me. He knew it was the end, as did I, but I still wouldn't will myself on it, I wouldn't allow its cold grasp to crumble me.

Cold.

that when I finally started to feel the evening chill come over me, and began to pull and yank the unforgiving sheets closer to me, as if they could bring me refuge. I felt pitiful, sitting there with only blankets to cover my exposed skin. We were drifting so far apart, and before I knew it he was all the way across the room, spiritually and physically. It had been happening for a while, are friendship was reaching its end of the road, and I was in need of a detour. And all the sudden this happened, all this crap suddenly appeared from murky depths, and it caught us both in a way.

We both knew it was a mistake, but we were to stupid to stop, and that's how it happened. It could have been so easy to miss, and yet it couldn't. I should of kept my mouth closed, and my legs shut. It was all my fault, all my damn fucked up fault. And now I was hurting him, and killing myself. I don't know how life got so fucked up.

Right now is the farthest I ever felt from, I could feel him putting up his barriers and masking his tortured eyes.

At that moment I felt the most alone in my life.

Reality sucked. As did everything else.

I shouldn't have gotten drunk, I only dragged him down with me. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten stoned either. I always had the worst sense of direction and did the wrong things.

But worst of all I shouldn't have asked for him to come with me. I felt I was losing him, and I wanted to do things like we used to; go out and have a fun time. We did, for a while that is. I did kind of like ending on a good note, if it happened, I didn't want everything we built so hard to make to fall to nothing. I wanted something good to remember.

But I did not have sex in mind.

No way in hell did I. We were only friends that the way it always was, ever since the first day I met him.

I was being naive, maybe my small brain was only seeing the things that I wanted to. I knew I had something for him, but I didn't know what. Lust, that what it was, I lusted over him. His body was eye candy for all female human eyes. He was always drop dead sexy.

But surprisingly, he only dated a few women. Most of them were afraid of him. They thought him evil and bloodthirsty, because of his youkai heritage, he was, after all, half demon. But he was quiet gentle, though he did have his anger problems.

He was always a outcast. But that never shadowed my mind a bit. I still dragged him to parties and clubs, if people didn't like it they never said anything, and we always still had a fucking rad time.

That was before this had happened. It was when he started dating her. That what fueled are drifting, I couldn't handle it, I always felt there was something behind it. I knew it was wrong, I should have been smarter, but thoughs joints plus the fact that I was totally wasted didn't help much. I shouldn't have taken the pill they handed me when I stepped through the front door, seconds after swallowing it, feeling the reaction of ecstasy coursing through my veins. When I had turned around Inuyasha had thrown the white tablet into his mouth as well, grabbing a beer and gulping it down.

He was pretty out of it to, by the time we made it to the unknown bedroom we were all over each other. but when we hit the soiled bed he pulled away and asked me if we should do this. I just pulled his face down to meet mine in a harsh rushed kiss, and I guess it was enough of a answer for him.

he... he was my first.

My heart skipped a beat as I was pulled back to reality by the sound of him throwing on his crumpled clothes. It was then I heard the music blaring from downstairs, the vibration of the beat was quaking under my feet that had fallen to the floor. I slowly stood, the sheet still pulled tightly to my chest, as I tried to balance on my unsteady legs. I still felt nausea lurking in my uneasy stomach. Closing my eyes, I tried to take a couple of long drawn breathes until I felt I could move my feet under me.

He was pulling his shirt off a closet drawer when I finally spotted, standing stupidly in the middle of the hollow room. I panned there and tried to get my bearings before I could say a word.

"Inu...yasha..."

That was all I could conjure, after everything it was the only thing that could be said between us.

He stopped, immediately. I could feel him tense up, and his back was rigid. I didn't touch him, I was afraid, he... he just didn't like being touched. Especially when he was uncomfortable, it had allot to do with his past. He really hated it when people went for his ears. That was one of his most sensitive parts, and people would usually take advantage of that.

But he didn't care when he got his ear rub from me. I guess that's what his mother did when he was a child.

... She died along time ago, but Inuyasha never liked to talk about it, he kept those things to himself.

I hesitantly took a step closer, trying with my last bit of dignity to not let the unshed tears fall from my eyes. He hated it when women cried.

It was then I saw the scars that maimed the smooth skin of his back. I had never seen them before. They looked like knarled spider webs, cutting deep into his pale toned skin. Crawling down his shoulder blades and writhing down to the small of his back, and then disappearing at the waistband of his jeans.

I gritted my teeth. It looked like they had hurt.

I felt utterly horrible.

Bile climbed up my dry thought as I reached out my mind towards him, my conscious entranced with the sad stories his physical scars were showing me.

I took a clumsy step forward. Tears were now clinging to my eyelashes as tried to blink them back.

It hurt... It hurt to see such misery sliced into to remember. I could tell they were old, very old, back from when he was young.

I blindly shuffled another step, my hand reaching numbly trying to grasp out, while the other clutched the sheet even closer to my body, crinkling under the tight grip I placed on it till my knuckles were white.

he was still frozen, almost as stiff as a board. I took another step tripping on fabric I was clinging to. He was so far away, no matter how hard tried, I couldn't reach him. And yet I kept struggling, my left hand in plea trying to find its way.

Inuyasha...

The next step I took I plummeted to the floor, still clinging to the sheet. I sat there, with my legs folded beneath me, and I was still reaching, my hand opening and closing for something that wasn't there.

"Inuyasha..."

My voice was shaky as tears were now pouring down my face and I failed blindly to blink them back. My vision blurred as droplets cascaded down my cheeks along my jaw, to splatter on my covered thighs, darkening the sea breeze fabric. I tried hard to hold a sob in my throat.

He slowly turned around showing that he was not oblivious to my pain. But the stare in his eyes was so hurt, that I was assaulted by body wracking sobs. My hand fell to the ground as it sat limply till I pulled it to my chest. I tried to wipe away the tears with the heal of my palm, but I just couldn't stop crying...

I was crying for what I lost.

The beat of the music was pulsing in against my legs, and my hands fell to the floor, palms facing down as I tried to hold myself up so I wouldn't crumble to a ball.

I heard his footsteps as he walked toward me, completely untuned to the music bellow us. He stood there for a minute before falling down in front of me, his face smothered in his hands.

I only cried harder and let my head fall limply to stare at my legs. I pushed my hands even harder into the cold wood floor and scrunched up my fingers into fists. I heard a rough ling but I didn't dare look up, I just cringed my eyes tighter and tried to take a deep breathe.

"KagomeKags, " He said in a gruff voice, " Stop crying."

When I heard him use my name he used to call me when we were little, I started crying even harder. It was a hard blow, reminding me of everything I lost. Everything that from the first time I saw him I thought I'd have forever.

damn did it hurt, it hurt like hell.

I heard another rustling and his hand came to rest slightly on my covered leg. I could feel the warmth from it, radiating off his calloused palm, it made me tighten my fists even more.

"Kagome, please."

It stung but I tried to hold fresh tears back. I took a long breath and closed my eyes again. When I quieted my sobs successfully, I only slightly opened my orbs to stare at the floor off to the side. I felt confused, utterly confused, my misery was indescribable. I thought I would live in this agony forever. I bowed my head even farther down.

"Why?"

My soft question fell like velvet leaves between us, I could feel him ponder, and I myself had to of it to, there really was no answer.

"I don't know..."

He said it softly, as though he was equally confused. I lifted my head to look at him. His brows were knit together in thought, a frown upon those lips. He looked as though he were contemplating something deeply. He was the first to brake the silence.

"youyou know this can't happen, I'mI'm with... her..."

he stumbled on his words as he spoke, like he didn't know what to say, but I knew exactly what he meant. He was dating her. They'd been going out for about a month, and that's exactly why we drifted so far apart. His face turned to stare at me, his eyes meeting mine. I immediately got lost in The Gold again. It was like ecstasy.

I ripped my eyes away from him to stare self-consciously at my left hand, my hair falling to hide my face from him.

" I'mI'm sorry... I didn't...

my words fell without finishing the sentence, but my point was made. The sheet around me had somehow stayed up through my turmoil, but was now slowly slipping. My right hand jumped up to grab, fisting it tightly to my breast. My chest started to hurt with each intake of breath, I couldn't handle the small bedroom anymore, the booming house for that fact.

I pulled away from his hand, moving back a little bit before trying to stand up. But I felt a calloused hand clasp onto one of my own. I looked up to his face as he stared back at me. It felt like time stopped, everything around us was frozen but us, even the blaring music what deceased in my head. He tugged at my hand lightly bringing me back from my daze.

"We will still be friends..."

He said sadly.

" Right?"

His last word was shaky, like he wasn't sure enough to say it. Like he was trying to grasp onto something, he as well as I. My world shattered. and everything began to move again, the music making my head ache. II knew it wouldn't happen, nothing like that would be able to sustain. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my head numbly, I lied so he would be happy.

He also got up, making his way to the closet drawer were his shirt was. He pulled it over his head, facing away from me. Again I saw the scars. But this time it burned so much I had to look away. I diverted my gaze to a plain white wall. It was like free thinking space, which I did not need. I didn't want to think, I wanted to forget. A lone tear made it way down my face, but I swiped it away before it did more damage. I could feel the walls closing in on my, suffocating me, and I didn't like it, I didn't like it all. My head started spinning, and the room started to blur. My heart was breaking. I knew it would end, this is how it had to be.

I glanced over to Inuyasha, he had successfully slid his jacket over his shoulders, and was just standing there. He diverted his gaze from the floor to me. he shoved his hands deep into his jean pockets and looked away. I turned away from him, it was the only thing I could do, and I did. It was like a closing, the doors finally slamming shut. And I just stood there by back facing him.

I heard let out a long breath through his nose. Than, in an instant, he shuffled across the floor to the door behind me, standing there for a moment, before creaking it open. The music became louder as it swung open, and I heard giggles and moans from down the hall. Then everything became muffled as the door shut closed, and I was left alone.

All alone.

After a few minutes I finally go my wits together enough to look around the room for my clothes. after my search I came up with everything except my panties, which frankly I didn't want to know were they were. When I finally kicked on my shoes, I walked to the door. In my trudge something caught my eye. On the bed in the corner next to the wall was something glimmering. I stumbled up to it blindly, and picked it up carefully in my fingers. It was his charm, the special Shikon no Tama he had always had with him since I'd known him. I pulled it to my chest as if a reminder of something I would never have again.

Tears came cascading down my face as I ran to the door and thrust it open. I still clutched it in my hand. I ran down the hall, skidded down the stairs, and began to push through the large crowd that had prospered around me. I wiped violently at my face trying to make my tears stop. The smell of sweat was unbearable.

Then I saw Sango, grinding with her boyfriend Miroku, their lips sucked into a heated lock. She pulled away for a moment and whispered something in his ear, he pulled her closer with his hands on her butt. She giggled, and her head slowly turned to my direction.

Her eyes found mine almost instantly in the throng of people. She was about to wave and yell something over the music, but stopped when she say the look on my face. She disentangled herself from him which left him doing a very sad puppy face and trying to pull her back. She shook him off and started in my direction a concerned look plaguing her features. I continued on my way to the door, trying to shove people out of my way. I felt hand on my wrist and looked up to see Sango staring at me.

"Are you alright?"

she yelled it over the music, but I could still hear her if she didn't. I looked away towards the door. I needed to be alone, I needed to leave. I turned back her.

"Just... leave me alone right now... please?"

She looked at me with worry and her brows knitted in confusion. She was about to say something else when masculine arms wrapped around her waist. She dropped my arm accidentally as Miroku's head moved to rest on her shoulder. He looked from me to her and then lifted his head to see the seriousness in the situation.

"Kagome, are you?"

He didn't end the sentence before I started stumbling backward. It seemed like slow motion as Sango reached out for me but I turned and began to scramble for the door. When I finally made it to outside, I was panting like hell and felt the tears roll down my face again. I didn't want to be seen again, so I ran. I ran till my breath was severely ragged and my lungs seared with pain and yet I still ran.

My feet began fatigue, making me trip on sidewalk and fall on the cold unforgiving ground. My arms kept me from landing flat only my face. There, crouched on the ground I cried, sobs killing my tortured body. I clutched the Shikon jewel against my breast as my forehead lowered to touch the pavement, it was cool yet rough against my throbbing head.

He had dated her, for reason I never new, he started dating my sister over a month ago. the thing that hurt the most was that... after everything I poured out to him about being her shadow and how I was always loathed the way people pampered her, he turned his back on me and jumped her. I didn't hate her, she was always so sweet and understanding to me, and sometimes fought battles for me when I couldn't, but I was always jealous of her. She was always the over achiever, when I couldn't even reach average. She was special, she was everything, she would save the world. And what about Kagome, oh she would flunk out of high school, become a hooker, and die alone. Yes that was my future.

Damn him.

My life was falling apart, and in this all I lost the closest thing I had. I lost him to Kikyo, after years of knowing him and being right near him, I lost my dearest friendInuyasha, and I was never getting him back.

Why?

Okay if you want me to do more all you have to do is review, if I don't get any then I'll probably end up dropping it. I easily lose my interest in this if nothing fuels my muse.

I'm sorry if I don't update to soon, its hard to get my hands on a computer.