Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Author's Note: This a sequel to the one-shot, HATE ME. I know it's taken me forever to write this, but it just refused to come together right. I hope ya'll like it. Review and let me know what you think! (You know you want to :) )
Because of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way that you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
She tried not to think about him. An effort that was usually fruitless. How could she forget the soft brown hair, peircing blue eyes and devilish grin that had been her biggest downfall? They all said she was better off without him...even he said she was better off without him, but couldn't they see behind her fake smiles to the tears she cried inside? She'd seen him once since their break up, it was strange that it had only been once. They shared mutual friends, hung out at many of the same places, but he had avoided her successfully, except for that one time. She'd been at the grocery store, picking up a few things to make for dinner, and there he'd been. She had felt as if all the air in her lungs was sucked out, but had kept her cool. Only when she'd seen the bottle of Jack Daniels had she been slammed back into reality. Only then had the bad memories resurfaced and she had looked on him with disdain. It pained her to remember the way his eyes just held this quiet acceptance and how he'd not even tried to defend himself only told her she was right and walked away from her. Was he more broken than she? Did he miss her? Did he still love her? Did it even matter anymore? She closed her eyes tight, trying to block his face from her mind, but it wouldn't leave. His memory was ingrained and no matter how hard she tried it would never go away.
"Do you love me, Jay?"
"You know I do," he told her, gently sweeping a lock of blonde hair out of her face.
"But you've never said it before. Have you realized that? You've never told me you loved me. Only said, me too, when I say it to you. I need to hear it. It's just something I need to hear. If you don't, then that's okay. I can handle the truth, just tell me the truth," her eyes pleaded with him. She needed to hear him say the words, even if she could tell in one simple look that he loved her. She needed to know for sure. She needed to know she wasn't the only one who felt this way.
"I love you, Emma. I love you more than I thought I could ever love someone and I don't even deserve you," his words were whispered, as if he was afraid of them. As much as they warmed her, down to her very soul, they also brought a quiet chill down her spine. He wasn't perfect and he was no where near what she had always hoped for herself, but you don't choose who you love. She certainly hadn't.
"I love you, too, Jay," she said, softly stroking his arm. And with those words she damned herself.
She swept a hand through her blonde curls, glad she'd opted to wear it down. She saw the worried glances she was getting from Manny and her mother, but she didn't care. She didn't take notice of either of them, instead choosing to ignore them and their pleas for her to talk to them. She didn't want to talk to them, she didn't want to be here, but she'd backed herself into a corner and now there was no getting out. She stared at herself in the full length mirror before her, hating the image she saw, hating the girl that stared back at her. She'd always known that her life wasn't meant to be rainbows and sunshine, but did she really deserve this? Did she really deserve to be without the only man she'd ever truly loved? Why did her relationships always fall apart, were they all just doomed from the beginnning?
"Hey, it'll just be another twenty minutes or so. How we all doin' in here?" A male voice entered the small room and Emma looked up to be met with the eyes of Sean Cameron.
He'd been another disaster in her life, another broken relationship gone down the tubes.
"You have no say in who I see, not anymore Sean. I seem to recall you gave the right up willingly," she bit out at her ex-boyfriend.
Although she knew she didn't love him anymore, the betrayel still hurt. It still cut her down to the core that he'd cheated on her with the pretty red-head.
"Emma, come on! It's Jay! He's no good for you! Can't you see that?" Sean gestured wildly with his hands, exasperation flooding his features.
"And you were? I seem to recall you cheating on me with your ex-girlfriend and then stomping on my heart. I loved you, Sean. I had visions of a white picket fence and 2.5 kids in my head when I was with you. You threw all that away, threw me away, like I was just a peice of trash. Maybe Jay isn't good for me, but maybe he is. Either way, I'm the one who gets to decide that, not YOU!"
Tears had begun to gather in her chocolate eyes, as Sean simply stared at her, shock written across his face.
"Emma, I didn't...I mean we'd never discussed...I'm sorry. I wish you could know how sorry I am," he managed to stutter out, at a loss for words.
"Yeah well, now you know. It doesn't matter anymore, okay? Can't you just...can't you just be happy for me? Or at the very least, pretend to be? I think, I mean...I know I love him. I love him and there's nothing you can do about it," when she spoke her hands trembled. She knew what Sean was saying was the truth, Jay wasn't any good for her, but she didn't care. She couldn't care anymore, she'd gotten in too deep and there was no turning back now. She let herself fall in love with him.
"Oh, Em, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Earth to Emma, did you hear me? Twenty minutes?" Sean sang out, a bit of a grin turning up the sides of his mouth. Emma shook herself out of her thoughts, forcing old memories to stay buried.
"Yeah, I heard you," she said quietly, picking at a non-existant peice of lint on her dress.
"Alright, well if you need anything just let me know," Sean said, before turning away to let himself out of the room.
"Wait," Emma called out, unable to control the words that were about to leave her lips.
"Yeah?" Sean asked, turning around to face her.
"Have you heard from him?"
"Em, you gotta let it go," Sean said, walking over to his ex-girlfriend. He knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his and squeezing gently.
"Just have you?" She wouldn't be deterred, she needed to know. She just...she just needed to.
"Have you been drinking, Jay?" Emma hissed in a whisper. He was supposed to be here over an hour ago and only now had he finally come.
"Just one drink, baby. Now where's the Jack man?" Jay pushed his girlfriend aside, making his way through her parents living room and into the kitchen where the rest of the party guests were about to watch Jack blow out the candles. Emma quickly followed after him, praying to God that he wouldn't do anything stupid in front a bunch of five year olds and their parents; in front of her parents.
"Jack man! There's the birthday boy!" Jay boomed, running over to Jack and tickling the little boy.
"Jay Jay! Emma said you might not come, but I told her that you would cause you promised!" Jack exclaimed, merrily, over joyed that Jay had finally made it to his birthday.
"Yeah well Emma's a party pooper. Now let's see you blow out those candles!" Jay slurred, slightly swaying to one side.
Spike and Snake glanced at each other warily, as a few of the other parents gave Jay disdainful looks. Emma just hung back from everyone, her face going red at the sight of her boyfriend's drunken display. After Jack had blown out his candles, Snake walked over to Jay and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, why don't we go out back and get some air Jason," the older man said quietly.
"Why don't you! I'm here for Jack man's party. Woo Hoo!" Jay yelled beligerantly.
"Come on, Jason, you need to sober up. This isn't the place," Snake tried again. Jay just shrugged out of the other man's grip, anger beginning to etch across his features.
"You know what! I can tell when I'm not wanted. After all this time, you're still the arrogant prick you were back when I was in high school," Jay cried out, loudly.
Jack, noticing the disturbance between his dad and Jay, began to cry about his birthday being ruined. The parents of his friends had looks of horror and embarassment on their faces, while Spike looked as if she was ready to decapitate her daughter's boyfriend. Jay walked angrily away from Emma's dad and grabbed her arm on the way out of the kitchen.
"We're leaving Emma. Get your stuff and then meet me out at my car and hurry up. I'm not going to be here any longer than I have to be," Jay spat out at his girlfriend, storming out of the house.
Emma gave her parents an apologetic look, but still turned from them as they called out after her. Grabbing her things she hurried out of the house to her boyfriend outside.
I lose my way
And it's too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know it's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Becuase of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
"Sweetie, it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life!" Manny exclaimed from across the tiny room, forcing a wide fake smile on her face.
"Then why does it feel so terrible?" Emma asked, her chocolate eyes filling with tears. She looked into the floor length mirror once more, taking in the beautiful white gown and the perfect make up. She was getting married today. She was getting married to a good man, a man that was perfect for her, a man she did not love.
"Dammit!" Emma yelled, balling her small hands into fists at her sides.
"Why can't I get you out of my head?"
"Where were you Jay?" The words hung in the air between them. A quiet plea for him to put her thoughts at rest; a plea for him to squash the millions of thoughts running through her mind.
"It doesn't matter," he mumbled, trying in vain to get her to stop her line of questioning. It wasn't anything he'd planned...it had just...happened. Was he proud of himself? No. Was there anything he could do about it? No.
"Please, Jay, please just tell me," she whispered, twisting the thing silver band around her left finger in a nervous gesture.
"Just stop, Emma. I'm so sick of your fucking questions all the time. I was out. That's all you need to know," Jay yelled at his girlfriend, hating the way her beautiful eyes filled with tears and accusations.
"Was she good, Jay? Huh? I wanna know, was it good? Was it worth losing me over?" The words should have been screeched out at him, but instead were spoken quietly and calmly. It was the calm that worried him the most. She should be screaming and throwing things, instead she simply sat there, twisting that damn ring around and around her finger.
"There is no 'her', Emma. God, I can't believe you would even think that I would cheat on you! Please give this a rest," Jay bit out, his irritation surfacing.
Emma just sat there, staring at the man she loved; the man who claimed to love her. His hair was mussed and he reeked of alcohol, but there was another scent lingering on his clothes; a scent that was unfamiliar and terrified her down to the very bone.
"Please just tell me the truth," she whispered, afraid of what the truth was, but at the same time needing to know.
Jay simply stood there, not saying a word. She could see the pain in his eyes and knew the truth, without him even needing to say a word. She realized, in that moment, she didn't want to hear him say it. She didn't want to know the truth because if she knew, if she knew for sure, she'd have to end it with him. She didn't think she was strong enough to end it with him, so instead she held her tongue. Instead of flying at him with more questions, more accusations, she numbly nodded her head at him. She would let him get away with it and she would hate herself for it.
"You're all that matters, Emma. You know you're all that matters," he whispered, huskily, cupping her face in his hands and leaning down to brush his lips over hers. She couldn't but think that those same lips that were now kissing her had, only a short time ago, been kissing someone else.
"I have to go," Emma said, her voice calm, as she turned to the other three people in the room. She quickly stood from the small stool, her eyes searching for the little hand bag that Manny had insisted she carry with her today. For reasons unknown to her at the time, Emma had slipped her credit card a couple hundred dollars into the little bag, had she somehow known that she would be leaving her own wedding? Had she somehow known that she would never be able to go through with it?
"Emma you need to calm down. This is just cold feet, sweetie. You don't want to do something that you're going to regret," Spike said softly, trying to keep her daughter from going back to Jay.
"I can't, mom. I can't do this. Don't you understand? I know he was a horrible boyfriend most of the time and the bad times were many, while the good were few and far between. I just...you don't know what it's like. He's always here, here in my heart," she tapped one fist to her chest trying to make them understand, "No matter how hard I try, he won't go away. I'm not going to go back to him. I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment, but how can I marry someone else when I'm still in love with him?"
"Jimmy's going to be devastated, Emma. Haven't you thought about him at all? He's been so good to you, so patient with you. Don't you see how much this will hurt him?" Manny's dark eyes turned to slits, knowing her best friend would reconsider at the thought of hurting someone else. Maybe she didn't love Jimmy, but they all knew that Emma at least cared for him.
"Tell him I'm sorry. Tell him I'm so very sorry," Emma muttered, gathering her gown up in her hands and racing out the door. Sean chased after her, at first, but then simply stood on the church steps and watched as his friend ran down the street, wedding gown flowing behind her.
"Can you believe we're getting married?" The blonde squealed, smiling happily at her boyfriend...no...her fiance.
"I'm still stuck at the part where you said yes. I can't believe you said yes," Jay said in a dream like state. It had been only about twenty minutes since he had proposed and the fact that she said yes shocked and baffled him.
"Of course I said yes silly," Emma giggled, sipping on her glass of champagne.
"You know what we should do," she said suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows up and down at him. She slid a single strap of the simple black dress she wore off of one shoulder, looking up at Jay threw her eyelashes.
"I do believe you're thinking naughty thoughts Miss Nelson. I'm sorry, but I'm saving myself for the wedding night," Jay said hautily, failing miserably at concealing the large grin that was spreading across his features.
"Well I guess if you don't want to," Emma teased, sliding the strap back into place. She barely got the words out before Jay was off his feet and gathering her up in his arms.
"I never said I didn't want to green peace," the grin was gone, replaced with a look of pure lust. Emma giggled as Jay carried her into their bedroom, then gasped when she looked around. He'd covered the bed in rose petals and there were a dozen or so candles scattered around the room. He layed her down on the bed, ever so gently, then went around the room lighting the candles.
"Oh my God, Jay. You didn't have to do this," the girl breathed, her face filled with love for this man.
"I know, but I wanted to. Do I give you so little romance, Emma?" The sadness in his voice shocked her. She had never heard him sound so...sincere. His words broke her heart because she knew that when she told him that he did give her romance it would be a lie. They both knew their relationship was far from perfect, but she loved him so much she had to believe they would get through it. She had to believe he would get better...he would get better for her.
"That's not true, Jay! Come over here and let me show you how much I love you," she slipped out of the dress as she spoke the words, leaning back on her elbows so that her hair tumbled down around her. Jay walked to her, as if in a trance, he gently caressed her skin.
"How did I get so lucky?" He asked softly, marveling at her beauty and the way she looked at him so trustingly. She silenced him with single kiss and thanked him in her head for the lack of alcohol on his breath. Maybe everything would work out. Maybe he would stop drinking. Maybe she would finally get her happily ever after.
Thoughts of the day he'd proposed to her running through her mind, Emma tried unsuccessfully to push them from her head. She didn't want to think about that time in her life, she didn't want to remember how incredible he'd been to her. Those moments had been few and far between. She needed to remember the other times. She needed to remember the countless nights of waiting up for him, only for him to never come home. She needed to remember the nights she'd stayed up with him as he'd vomited in thier toilet. She needed to remember all the times he'd come home smelling of another woman's perfume. Those were the things she needed to remember, the things that would remind her to hate him.
A flash of Jimmy came to her and she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks. Her mom was right, he had been good to her, too good to her. She didn't deserve him and he deserved someone who loved him back. She looked around her and spotted a run down looking bar. Deciding that she couldn't run all around Toronto and that a drink didn't sound half bad at the moment, she went inside. A few people looked up, giving her strange looks and she wondered why, until she remembered the fact that she was wearing her wedding gown. Well take a damn picture, she thought, it'll last longer. She stalked over to the bar and sat down, immediately flagging down the bartender.
"I'll have a shot of Jack Daniel's and keep 'em comin'," she muttered out, daring the bartender to say a word about her appearance. The old man simply quirked an eyebrow at her before complying with her request. As she let the vile liquid slide down her throat another memory popped into her head, one that wasn't so good, one that had convinced her that maybe she could hate him.
"I just need some space, Emma," he'd spat out bitterly. Emma wrapped her arms around herself, trying to sheild herself from his cold words. He didn't mean it, she thought over and over, making excuses for his cold demeaner.
"Why won't you just let me help you?" She finally whispered. She'd only been trying to help when she'd suggested the rehab. He'd flipped out on her and though she knew that there was a part of him deep down inside that knew she was right, he didn't want help. He loved the bottle too much, more than he loved her.
"I don't need your help," he said calmly, too calmly. He was already shutting her out and she was powerless to stop him.
"I'm not leaving, Jay. I love you," she pleaded with him, her eyes filling with tears, as she tried to telling him how much she loved him. She needed him to understand that she would always be there for him. She needed him to know there was nothing he could do to push her away.
"I slept with someone else," he said and there it was. There were the words that confirmed her suspicions. He'd finally said it, finally owned up to cheating on her and now she knew there was no turning back. She couldn't stay with him, but...she couldn't believe him either. She needed him to be lying to her.
"What? You're...you're lying," she whispered, shaking her head furiously. Please just tell me you're lying, she thought to herself, praying that he would lie to her. Praying that he would just tell her this was some sick joke.
"Deal with it, greenpeace. She was ten times better than you could ever hope to be...ya know...in bed," he spat at her, knowing the words would cut her deep. Inside she knew he was doing this because it was the only thing that would make her leave, but it didn't change anything. He'd done this to her and she couldn't help the first tinge of hate that ebbed it's way into her heart.
"Why are you hurting me? Why do you always hurt me?" She let the tears fall freely, wanting him to see what he was doing to her. She wanted him to be tortured by the look on her face.
"I hate you," she whispered, turning on her heel and leaving him standing there to stare after her. When she got outside the apartment, she let herself slide to the floor in the hallway, sobs racking her small body.
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
"It doesn't help. Trust me," a husky, male voice came from behind her. She simply knocked back the next shot the old man slid her way.
"And what would you know about it," she said bitterly, not even bothering to turn around.
"I know a thing or two, Emma," the man said.
When he said her name she knew immediately it was him. No one else had ever said her name in that way, as if it was the most precious word in the world.
"Hello, Jay," the blonde said, not even turning to look at him.
"Hi, Emma."
She was sitting at the bar when he approached her. Her long blonde hair was piled on her head, held up only by a few bobby pins. A glass of wine sat in front of her, but she had barely touched it.
"Can I buy you a drink, gorgeous?" He whispered in her ear, from behind.
"You can take the drink you were going to buy me and shove it up your ass," the blonde said, venom dripping from each word.
"Well, well, well. That's no way to talk to an old friend, Miss Nelson," he said, taking the seat next to her. She whirled around to be face to face with Jay Hogart. A smile broke out on her face at the sight of him and she leaned over to give him a hug.
"Hey, Jay. Sorry, I didn't realize it was you," she said, forcing herself to sound cheery. He saw right through her facade, somehow, he always did.
"So what's got you down in the dumps tonight, sweetheart?" He smirked at her, waiting for her to unfurl all her little problems on to him, but this time she didn't. Instead she stood from her barstool and grabbed his hand.
"Let's get out of here. There's a motel down the street, what do you say?" She quirked a single, perfectly plucked eyebrow at him.
"Lead the way."
The memory of the first night they'd slept together, the first time she'd told him she loved him, came unbidden into her head as he slipped onto the stool next to her. She watched him with weary eyes as the bartender came over to them.
"The usual, Hogart?" The old bartender asked, with familiarity in his voice.
"Yeah, Tom, thanks," Jay said as the old man put some ice in a tall glass and filled it with Jack Daniel's.
"I thought you quit drinking," Emma let the words fly from her mouth, before she could stop them. Jay simply turned to her, his peircing blue eyes staring at her as if they could see straight into her soul.
"I did. I just sit here sometimes, staring at it. Contemplating whether or not taking that first drink is worth it," he told her, running a calloused hand through his now shaggy brown hair.
"That seems a little dangerous, don't you think?" Her eyes were filled with contempt for him. He'd ruined her life. He was the reason she'd gone running from Jimmy. He was the reason she wouldn't let herself fall in love with the man she was supposed to marry today.
"Aren't you supposed to be getting married right now?" She just took another shot.
"I made a mistake Emma," Jay cruelly told her, taking a swig from his beer.
"So...you're saying you don't want to be with me anymore?" The tears welled up in her eyes at the thought. She nervously twisted the ring on her finger around and around, not wanting to take it off...knowing she had to.
"I just think that maybe I was rushing it a little bit," he let his words come out a little softer, seeing how much he was hurting her. Emma took no notice of this, she heard only that he didn't want to marry her. He didn't want her.
"It's been four years, Jay. FOUR YEARS! I've waited for you. I've loved you. I've given you EVERYTHING!" She could feel her heart breaking inside her chest. Her small hands were shaking as she stared at the man before her. He was staring down at his feet, unable to look her in the eyes. She knew that he knew, he was hurting her more than he ever had. She just didn't understand why.
"Please just tell me why, Jay. No bullshit. The truth, for once, just the truth," she pleaded with him. He just lifted his head, staring into her eyes, and walked out the door.
"Yeah well, I was supposed to get married once before, too. See how well that worked out," she spoke bitterly, a stray curl falling into her face.
"Emma..." Jay trailed off, unsure of how to touch on this subject.
"Whatever Jay. What is it you would say? Bummer times?"
"I was a jackass more times than not, Em. Have you really turned so bitter? Did I do this to you?" Jay questioned, more to himself than to her really.
"It only really comes out are you, sweetheart," she said sarcastically.
"Hey, can I get an MGD this time, darling?" Emma called out to the bartender, putting as much sweetness and light into her voice.
"Sure thing," the bartender said, alreadly sliding the bottle across the counter. Emma grabbed it and took one long swig.
"Mmm, that sure hits the spot," she sneered, cold eyes staring into Jay's pained blue.
"You're better off Em," Ellie said, rubbing Emma's back in soothing circular motions. Ellie sent her boyfriend a look that said "HELP ME!". Sean uncurled his clenched fists and tried to force his temper down. He knelt down in front of a sobbing Emma, taking her small trembling hands in his own.
"He wasn't worth your time, sweetheart. You are ten times better than him," Sean whispered, gently. The blond still stayed silent, the only sounds coming from her were the gasping breaths as the tears flooded down her flushed cheeks. Sean stood suddenly, fury overtaking his features.
"I'm going to fucking kill him! I knew this would happen. I fucking knew he would screw this up. That goddamn bastard," Sean seethed pacing around the living room.
"Sean," Emma finally whispered.
"What?" He snapped at her, before thinking.
"Don't please. Don't blame him. It's my fault, really. I tried to turn him into something he isn't. Shouldn't I hate him, though? I shouldn't love him anymore. I shouldn't love him this much. I shouldn't miss him this much," she sobbed out, turning and burying her face in Ellie's chest. The redhead stroked Emma's hair, knowing that her friend would never be completely whole again. Jay had broken her and not for the first time.
"Why aren't you getting married right now, Emma?" Jay asked, pain seeping into his voice.
"You know why," was all she said as she took another gulp of her beer. It was then that he noticed how thin she was, noticed the boniness of her arms and the way he could see her chest bone so clearly. He let out a tortured sigh. He'd done this to her. He'd made her so broken. Why did he have to still love her so much? Why did she still have to love him so much?
"I got your message a few months back. It's what stopped me from drinking when Sean told me you were getting married," Jay said softly.
"Well isn't that just swell then," Emma shot out, angry with him for bringing up her moment of weakness.
"I still love you, green peace," he whispered, running a hand through his shaggy, dark hair.
The small blond lay, curled up in a tight ball on her small bed, her phone clutched tightly in her hand. It had been over a week since Jay had broken up with her. Over a week since she'd last smiled, since she'd last seen through clear eyes instead of tear-filled ones. She missed him so much. She hated him and she missed him.
The numbers were being dialed before she really knew what she was doing. She brought the phone to her ear, listened as it rang, but no one answered. The answering machine picked up and she had to choke back the rush of tears as she heard her own voice, mixed with Jay's on the other end of the line.
"You reached Emma,"
"And Jay,"
"We're not home right now,"
"But leave us a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can," the spoke in unison.
"Well, she will, I might unless I forgot,"
"Jay!"
"What it's true?"
"How do you turn this stupid thing off?"
"It's that button over there,"
"What button?"
"Right there!"
"I don't see a button, Jay!"
"Emma, it's right in front of your fa-"
"Um, hi Jay. You really should change your answering message. I don't live there anymore. God, this isn't why I called. I don't know why I called. I miss you. I miss you so much. Please just call me, I need to hear your voice. Please. I love you," she whispered.
The tears finally flooded over as she pushed the end button on her cell phone. Would the pain ever go away?
"You tell me this, now? Now, Jay? Three years later? Wow, thank you so much. God, you are such an asshole!" Emma yelled, alerting the rest of the bar to their conversation. A few heads turned to see what had the pretty blond so upset.
"Emma, quiet down. You're causing a scene," Jay hissed, shooting her a glare.
"You know what, Jay? I don't care! I don't care who fucking hears me. You are a piece of shit and why shouldn't everyone else know it? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She screamed at him, standing from her stool.
"Jay, you two are going to have to take this outside. I don't want any trouble in here," the bartender said, coming over to them.
"Sure, Tom, no problem," Jay muttered, standing up and grabbing Emma by the arm.
"By the way, I never thought I'd get to meet the infamous Emma. She's prettier than you let on, Jay," Tom smirked walking away from the two.
"C'mon Emma, let's get you out of here," Jay said, dragging Emma out of the bar. Once they were outside, Emma snatched her arms back from him, glaring daggers at his head.
"Don't fucking touch me, EVER AGAIN!" She screamed at him. Almost believing that she meant it.
The knocking on her door became more persistent and she wished that whoever it was would just get the message and go away. She didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want to be around anyone. She hated everyone. Whoever it was finally got tired and stopped knocking. Emma sighed in relief, letting her head ease back down against the couch. She jumped up, startled, when she heard that sound of the door being thrown open and someone barging in.
"Emma Nelson, go get your ass in the shower, we're going out," the red-head yelled, pointing in the direction of Emma's room downstairs.
"Go away, El," Emma muttered, letting herself sink back down on the couch. Ellie Nash was not a woman that could be deterred so easily, though. She simply walked back to the still open door and called out to someone outside to come in. The next thing Emma knew she was being lifted from the couch by a pair of strong arms and carried down stairs as she clawed and screamed to be set back down.
"Sorry sweetheart, I have strict orders to get you in the shower. I'd leave you alone, but then I'd have to deal with her and I live with her, so this is definetly the lesser of two evils," he said, grinning down at Emma devilishly.
"Sean Cameron you put me down this instant! I will rip your balls off and shove them down your throat if you don't! I HATE YOU! I hate you both! Just leave me alone. I need to wallow. I need ice cream and chick flicks!" Emma screamed out, her face red with fury.
"I'd say you've had enough of wallowing," Ellie said, trailing behind the two. As they made their way into the bathroom, Ellie turned the shower on. She closed the door behind Sean as he entered, with a struggling Emma still in his arms.
"Alright, Em, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I figure Sean's already seen you naked and I really couldn't care less if I saw you naked, we can strip you down right here and throw you in there, or you can strip down yourself and get in the shower like a good girl. I, myself, prefer the second option but it's completely up to you," Ellie stated, her arms folded across her chest.
"Go to hell," Emma seethed.
"Alright the hard way it is," Ellie said cheerfully. Sean set Emma down just as Ellie came at her, grabbing her shirt and ripping it off.
"Oh my God! FINE! I'll do it myself!" Emma screeched, surprised that Ellie would actually do such a thing.
"I thought so," Ellie smiled smugly.
"Just get out, okay? I don't really care to have you two in here while I get naked and take a shower," Emma sighed in defeat.
"Okay. Come on Sean, lets go watch TV while we wait for Emma," Ellie grabbed her boyfriends hand and started to leave the tiny room.
"But, I liked the second option," Sean whined playfully, wiggling his eyebrows at the two girls. For the first time, Emma let out a small giggle, just as Ellie smacked him upside the head.
"You pig," the redhead muttered, shoving him out of the bathroom and closing the door behind her.
"You broke me, Jay. Do you understand that? I didn't want to LIVE after what you did!" Emma screeched, her eyes filling with tears.
"I know, Emma. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. All I can say is that I was an idiot. A complete idiot," he whispered, tears gathering in his own eyes.
"It's not enough Jay. It'll never be enough. And it doesn't matter that I still love you. It doesn't matter," she whispered, the fury now replaced with a deep sadness. She shook her head slowly, salty tears falling down her face.
"I wish it did, Emma. Can't you...I mean, couldn't you give me another chance? Just one more chance," he begged, silently berating himself for asking this of her. He didn't drink anymore, but he still wasn't good for her. She deserved so much more.
"I might have. A long time ago, I might have. I can't though. You threw me away Jay and now you've lost me for good. You're three years too late. You're just way too damn late," she said softly, turning around and leaving him to stand outside of the rundown bar, his face wet with tears.
She went back to the church to marry a man she did not love.
He went back into the bar where he had his first drink in almost a year.
She lived her life trying not to remember the piercing blue eyes and dark hair, pretending to love her husband.
He lived his life drowning her memory in alcohol, wallowing in his own misery.
They both knew she'd done the right thing by walking away from him again, but what's right isn't always the best thing for you. She regretted it for the rest of her life and he wondered what would have happened had he not let her walk away.
Neither will ever know.
Because of you
Because of you