Notes: Aww, hi there. I'm sure you can tell I'm new to this (not writing, submitting) and I have.. no clue as to what I'm doing! Bear with me, please and thank you.

Also! This was written to the song: Chemical Bomb by The Aquabats. If you check out the lyrics, it makes more sense. Or, some sense. Heh.

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Oh man. Oh man, oh man.

The only thing that sucks more than running out of coffee, is like. Running out of coffee, and than noticing that you ran out of coffee, and I mean totally running out. I couldn't find any. Not even that instant stuff that's questionably even coffee to begin with. I mean, if it was.. how could they get it to melt in water you know? What? Right!

So, man, I was totally out. And everyone I know either was at work, or not answering their phones, which means I had to walk. Which isn't the end of the world, I mean walking is cool and everything, but MAN I really need some coffee! Not to mention.. why didn't they answer their phones? WHAT IF THEY'RE DEAD? What if like, they tried to call me while I was tearing the house apart looking for coffee, and I didn't answer and they were having a heart attack.. and they were waiting for me to call them back, so they didn't call 9-1-1. And then I didn't call them back, and they died? And here I am.. at the grocery store.

See, this is why no one answers the phone when I call. Because I'm a jerk. I mean, shit. They could be dead, and here I am at the grocery store.

At least their deaths won't be in vain though, I got six bags. Well, I had seven, but then. Okay, well for some reason Kyle and his, I guess, family are here too. Actually, they're probably here for food. Or medication. Maybe they're all sick, I hope I don't get sick. It is kinda warm in here.. Right! So I had seven bags, but then his little brother started talking to me, and MAN I had no idea what he was talking about because he uses a lot of big words and I can't focus that long… And he was like, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? And, he startled me and I dropped one of the bags. And I can't drink floor coffee, no way man! Disgusting.

Luckily, I still have six. Which is an even number. Just like the aisle I'm in. Not that I'm in aisle six, I'm in aisle four. Oddly enough behind Kyle's mom. I think she killed her kids though, because I don't see either of them and MAN she's yelling. Maybe the cashier killed them, and that's why she's yelling. If that's the case, maybe I should switch lines..

"NO, SIR.. YOU ARE INCORRECT! The price on the shelf clearly said that was on sale for two dollars less than you're trying to charge me! If they aren't on sale maybe you should just remove them all from the shelves! Clearly this is false advertising!"

Oh man, she looks mad. What was she talking about again.. they're taking everything off the shelves? Dude! I'd be mad too! Wait, why.. why are they taking everything off the shelves? Oh crap what if everything's infected? Oh crap, oh crap. What if Kyle ate something and he died, but before he died he puked on his brother and then HE died too? Maybe I shouldn't get the coffee here..

But what if all the food is infected everywhere? Oh man!! What would people eat? What would I eat!! Well, I'd have coffee.. probably. I mean, coffee isn't really.. food. It's like, water. And you can't infect water. Oh man I hope you can't infect water! But what if you can? What if there's no food, or no water left anywhere?! Sweet Jesus, it would be like. Holy crap, that's way too much pressure.

"Sir? Uh, I can ring you up now?"

Oh man, this is too intense. What happened to Kyle's mom? I bet this cashier killed her… But then again. I can't blame him.

"Wow, that's.. a lot of coffee?" Why's he staring at me like that.. what a jerk!

"What?! No way man, no way. This is only for a few days. Till this shit blows over." That's all he needs to know. That's all I need to know, oh god. I'm never coming here again. Forget it man.

"Till… what?"

"GAH. Just, hurry up man!" I swear if this guy asks me another stupid question I'm going to punch him. Like he doesn't know, he's the one selling the food that's going to kill everyone!

"Er, here's your receipt. Have.. a nice day?"

Jerk, like he cares! Or maybe he does. Or maybe he knows something! Oh man, I wonder what he knows. He did say have a nice day, was he being metaphorical? Oh god, man, I can't handle metaphors. I bet my dad's in on this. He would be, trying to take over the world and make everyone drink coffee instead of eating food. On the plus side, at least I'd be okay. Wait, when have I ever been okay? Holy crap, if my dad's in on this shit, that means I'm in on it!

I've been killing people for years, man, years! How am I going to face my friends after this? I'm so going to hell, crap! Unless life is hell? South Park, more like it. But I guess that makes sense, I mean. Damien lives here right? And he's the son of Satan! And Cartman, that jerk. He might as well be the son of Satan. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

I mean, if you're going to overthrow the food industry of the world and make everyone drink coffee, you might as well start in South Park! That almost makes sense..

Jesus, I really need some coffee.