Disclaimer: So, a while back, someone brought up an ace!Yang headcanon for Elderburn, and I decided to give it a shot. However, I'm not ace, so a big shoutout to keena-kapu and thegreatersea for their assistance in writing this. Warning for NSFW elements in the beginning segment.
Contrary to popular belief, Yang Xiao Long was a very smart person. Her grades throughout her combat schooling rarely reflected that because she did most of her assignments at the last minute, more keen on using her free time to focus on her interests rather than homework or studying, but she could retain information very well. She also could read people and situations, anticipate everyone's actions and reactions, and generally adjusted her actions accordingly. The blonde had spent the first month at Beacon learning her new teammate's limits, how far she could push a joke before it was no longer funny, what subjects were off limits and which ones just took a little bit of time to get them to open up about it. Her perceptive inclinations had rarely steered her wrong.
But everyone meets their match sometime and she'd met hers about three years ago.
Winter Schnee, her teammate's older sister… no one could've expected them to hit it off as well as they did. Maybe it was the circumstances- both of them wading through hell and high water to protect those they cared about- that bound them together or just a strange sense of companionable compatibility, because no one really laughed at her puns with such genuine amusement the way the other woman did and, despite her more laid back demeanor, Yang had found herself extremely motivated to accomplish even the most inane task since meeting Winter. When the dust settled and they stood victorious, when it looked like they could turn their sights to rebuilding and moving forward, the two fell into step beside each other almost without noticing, just… comfortable together. They officially started dating almost a full year after that and it easily constituted the best romantic relationship Yang had ever had.
Unfortunately, she knew the reason for that, and terror gripped her heart in that moment as her worst fears came true.
"Yang? Is something wrong?" Her girlfriend frowned slightly, hovering over her.
"Nope!" She smiled, forcing everything down and to the back of her mind, reaching up to wrap her arms around the other woman's neck. "I'm just, ya know, stoked we're finally doing this."
"Are you, now?" One pale brow arched and the blonde nearly buckled, those blue eyes darkened by desire searching for something she couldn't describe. She could make a guess, though, and she could hope she was a better actor than she ever was a student.
See, they hadn't had sex yet. Almost three years of being on more than friendly terms and two years solid of dating, but this remained one barrier they'd yet to breach. And not for lack of trying, at least on Winter's part. Usually, an excuse came to her lips or, on those rare blessed times, an actual interruption in the form of a call or visit from their friends or sisters. Being part of the small group to triumph over Salem's forces imbued them with a surprising amount of responsibility and it seemed every day brought with it a new challenge, but things had slowed down recently. They had time to enjoy being together, and with that came a certain amount of restlessness.
Yang had looked forward to it with equal parts trepidation and acceptance. This was the natural progression of relationships, right? Eventually, they'd have sex, and tonight seemed to be the moment when they had time, space, and the will to do it. Her girlfriend had past partners and had remarked once or twice about the pace of those relationships- all of them much faster than theirs, in most respects, but shallow and almost purely physical. They'd been markedly slower in this one facet, and though she'd never hinted at having a problem with that, it probably didn't sit well with her. Winter had once joked that putting off sex, in hindsight, seemed like the obvious answer to ensuring a deeper, more meaningful connection, but the blonde had remained silent, offering only a brief chuckle before changing the subject. She didn't believe sex had anything to do with it, of course.
Here in the moment, though, a simple change of subject would do her no good. Thankfully, she wasn't entirely adrift in the situation, without even driftwood to keep her afloat. Despite being the younger of the two by five years, Yang had her fair share of experience to draw upon as well, so she managed to stay strong and nod. "Absolutely." A hand traced up her side, beneath the fabric of her shirt, and she gasped, hoping the sound came across as either surprise or pleasure. "You, uh, don't have to go so slow, ya know."
Winter hummed, ducking down to connect their lips in a sweet kiss. "Always so impatient."
"Hey, what can I say?" She smirked. "I know when I've got a good thing comin'."
The words are always the easiest part, she'd found. Flirting, sweet talk, even sex talk- Yang never had a problem with that side of the equation. Mainly because it could always be waved away, allowing her something of a shield; most people didn't take her too seriously, always reading her advances as jokes, and they weren't too far off. Her girlfriend was different, of course, because she remained sincere in all the things she said to her…
… well, almost all the things.
Winter moved then, situating herself more comfortably between the blonde's legs as she sat back a little, grasping the hem of her shirt and lifting it up and over her head in a single fluid motion. While Yang might never get over how absolutely stunning her girlfriend looked in her military uniform or a well tailored pantsuit, seeing the woman in t-shirts was equally endearing, but she was jolted away from that thought when Winter reached behind her to undo her bra.
It… it wasn't bad, per se. Seeing her girlfriend in front of her, that certainly never qualified as bad. She could appreciate the woman's form- the musculature of a dancer, lithe and firm, with little scars across her torso from long forgotten fights, like marble chiseled by an expert hand- and see her obvious beauty but, as fabric fell away to reveal her breasts, something began squirming inside her gut, unpleasant and unwanted. It had nothing to do with the sight; it was the expectation weighing down on her.
Reciprocation. Returning the favor, matching her partner's passion- she could put a name to the sensation constricting her heart and turning her insides to a writing mess of well disguised horror but that didn't make it any easier a thing to combat. Ultimately, she couldn't fight it, she just had to accept it- that this was the next step in a relationship.
She could say no. On some level, she knew that, and she trusted the woman would immediately comply. But… she couldn't keep denying her girlfriend this. Winter wanted sex; she had to provide. That's how relationships worked.
I can do this.
"You're gorgeous, you know that?" She smirked, falling back on easy truths while staring into the woman's eyes.
Her girlfriend chuckled, crawling over her to initiate another kiss, smoldering on the edge of familiar territory and something new. Heated, but ready to turn hotter. Ironic that she would fear that level of heat. "You may have mentioned it before."
She liked kissing. On the lips, the head, the cheek, the hand, the shoulder, the neck- really, she just like kissing and cuddling, holding and hugging, and she could give all that out in a never ending stream.
Going beyond that… she could do. Of course she could. She'd done it before. She needed to get out of her own head.
But then fingers slipped beneath her shirt and she flinched.
"Yang?"
"Your fingers are cold," she said, thinking quickly and leaning up to put a sweet little kiss on the tip of Winter's nose. "Startled me."
Blue eyes narrowed as the woman drew back just a little, surprised. Not wanting to give her girlfriend too much time to think- because Winter was smart, and capable of outmaneuvering even Ruby in a show of tactics, and she would know if she started looking- she reached down, liberating herself of the garment with little fanfare. Just like changing, except with nothing to cover herself now, not even a bra- she'd already taken off her under garments before they made it to the bed. Less things to waste their time on, less things she had to be aware of, and she'd done this enough times to know that. The moments in which she feigned a struggle to tear the shirt over her own head, she tried to marshal her thoughts together. She loved Winter; Winter loved her. They had to do this at some point, so it might as well be tonight.
When the blonde had rid herself of her shirt, she could feel her girlfriend's eyes on her and it didn't- it should feel good. It should. But it made her skin crawl, because she didn't like it- she loved when those eyes fell on her full of affection, full of adoration, full of love. Now… yet, she could rationalize it. Winter was looking at her like that because she cared. They were doing this because they loved each other and this constituted an expression of that love.
I can do this.
"Come here," she said, and she did her best to infect her tone with a sultry tenor. Half lidded bedroom eyes, a smile on her face, she reached up only for Winter to draw away slightly. "Babe? Snowdrift?"
Winter tilted her head, alabaster strands spilling over her shoulder. "Are you sure you're alright?"
"O-of course." That didn't seem to convince the woman, so she tried stroking along her girlfriend's sides, falling back into old habits for a lifeline. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet."
At first, all she got for a response was narrowed eyes, but the woman's expression broke into a smile a moment later. "No. Not at all."
Yang mentally sighed in relief, though her anxiety didn't abate one bit as Winter leaned down and kissed her, and she mentally braced herself as the bare skin of their breasts touched for the first time. It felt… weird. Not bad, not good, just… strange.
Unsettling, a little.
But she could do this.
I can do this.
She understood the mechanics of it. She'd had partners before. They weren't… none of them qualified as pleasant experiences, mind, but she did her best to not think about that. It didn't matter at the time; it was what she had to do, just like now. She had to do this, and Winter loved her more than the others, so maybe this time would be different. She just had to stay focused.
However, her entire train of thought was completely derailed when, suddenly, a hand pressed against the crotch of her shorts, pushing directly against her inner thighs and core.
She couldn't help it. Yang jumped and turned her head away, the shock and spike of pure nothat shot through her making her impulsive response too strong to hide and Winter immediately sat back on her heels, breaking all contact.
Damnit.
"Yang, what's going on?" Her girlfriend's severe expression brooked no argument, eyes hard as steel. "Something's obviously wrong."
It's me. I am.
"I'm just- I'm nervous," she said, offering a little smile and reaching out. They could still get back into it- it wasn't over yet. "Just first time jitters, that's all."
Winter shook her head. "I don't believe that. You've had partners before-"
"But you're the first woman." It seemed like a sound excuse in her head and she did her best to articulate it, curling her lips into a small smile and doing her absolute best to sound at least a touch embarrassed by her actions. "I know it sounds a little silly, but it's just… a new experience, ya know? And it's been a while-"
"Yang." She crossed her arms over her stomach. "Please, don't lie to me."
Her mouth worked for a few moments, silently, but the words refused to come. "I- I- um, it's just-" Winter shifted and panic lanced through her, pure terror gripping her heart. "Wait, please, don't-"
"I'm just putting my shirt back on," the woman said, her voice soft as she reclaimed the fabric of pulled it over her head. Somehow, Yang hadn't noticed that the shirt was actually hers- black with white lettering for some band, part of a community rebuilding effort in Vale- and sat a little awkwardly on her girlfriend's narrower shoulders. "I suggest you do the same."
"But-"
"Yang." She snapped in that crisp, cold military fashion her voice had always held before her expression softened. Her shoulders relaxed, head tilting slightly as she smiled. "It's alright. Put your shirt on. Please?"
Words failed to string themselves together, so she hung her head and nodded listlessly, accepting the garment handed to her when she didn't have the guts to look up and find it herself. Shame caused her cheeks to flare bright red, the unpleasantness from before replaced by crushing guilt. She should've been able to do this for Winter. It wasn't hard- why did she have to be like… like this?
"Sundrop?"
She broke at the gentle, loving care with which the pet name fell from her girlfriend's lips, tears suddenly springing to lilac eyes and running down over her flaming cheeks. During their close calls, she'd been able to keep herself together, but they'd never gotten this far before. This seemed like well beyond the point of no return and here was Winter, being her calm, collected, loving self, and the blonde couldn't deal with it. Because she knew- she knew- that the woman would soothe her, would wipe away her tears and say it wasn't a big deal, that they could try again, but it would just be another night like tonight.
Arms wrapped around her, pulling her up to rest against the woman's chest, careful fingers carding through her hair as Winter began whispering sweet, reassuring words, but she couldn't hear them over the sound of her own inner voice berating her. Her girlfriend had done so much, put up with so much- even through blurry eyes, Yang could see the custom stand for her prosthetic resting on the bedside table. They hadn't known each other back when she had her real arm, when she was whole; she'd only ever known the blonde as she was now, a shattered image pulled back together and forged anew in the fires of combat, all jagged edges and asymmetrical baggage. When the nightmares had come back, Winter had held her just like this, told her it would be okay- and she believed the woman. Her girlfriend spoke with such conviction, how could she question it?
"It's okay, Sundrop. Let it out." Lips pressed against the top of her head. "It's going to be okay."
No, it's not.
"I'm sorry." She croaked out, reaching out to cling to the woman's shirt. "I'm so sorry."
"Hush, now. None of that." A gentle touch on her chin directed her gaze up into those dazzling blue eyes. "It's going to be okay."
I should be able to do this for you.
"I'm s-"
"It's okay, Yang." Her girlfriend drew her into a sweet kiss and it hurt. Winter loved her and she couldn't just- just get herself in order enough to do this one thing. "Let's go to bed."
"You said we shouldn't go to sleep angry," she said, voice thick.
"And I stand by that." Softly, Winter helped tug her shirt back over her head, pulling her thick mane out from beneath it. "But I'm not angry. Are you angry?"
She bit her lip, turning her head away as fingers followed her bicep down to the prosthetic's anchor and activated the release mechanism. Beneath the shame, she was angry, but with herself and herself only. After two years- two years- she should be able to do this without a second thought. She loved Winter, loved her like she didn't think was possible, and this was the next step. How could she keep denying her girlfriend this? The proof.
"Sundrop?" Against her better judgment, she looked up and once again saw nothing but patience and love looking back at her. "Are you angry?" Her left hand clenched into a fist but she still couldn't bring the words together. How was she supposed to tell someone like Winter- drop dead gorgeous, unerringly dedicated, lovingly affectionate Winter- that the very idea of them being naked in a sexual context nearly made her physically ill? After all those flirts, after all those words, how could she not back them up with action? "Oh, Yang. What's wrong?"
Me.
"I'm just- I…" She swallowed thickly. "I killed the mood."
Her girlfriend watched her for a moment before letting out a little chuckle. "Don't worry about it. I'm not upset and you don't have to be either." Her smile widened, blue eyes sparkling with sincerity. "Maybe another night?"
There it was. A promise at redemption and another chance to shove aside her damages, put it all in a box and push it to the furthest recess of her mind…
… and just like every time before, some part of her saw the truth.
You can't do it now, you won't be able to do it then. You're just stringing her along.
Yang tilted her head down. "Yeah. Another night."
Winter seemed to hesitate before reaching forward, tugging her into a sweet embrace. "Something's still bothering you." She murmured softly. "Do you want to talk about it right now?"
Without her prosthetic- detached and lying a foot away- she could only return the embrace with her left, squeezing with all her might. "N-no."
"Okay," she replied, sighing. "That's okay. How about in the morning, over breakfast?"
"Do we really have to plan this out?" She tried infecting a little playfulness into her tone. "Not everything has to be by schedule, you know."
The woman hummed. "I'd have thought you'd warm up to my penchant for planning by now."
"Snowdrift." Yang couldn't help but chuckle weakly. "You really need to work on your puns."
Silence followed before Winter responded. "Well, I'll slot practice in for lunch, then. I think that's being rather punctual."
That got more of a laugh out of her. "Better." She looked up, staring at the woman's face. "You'll be on my level in no time."
"I can only aspire to such greatness," she said, leaning down for a soft kiss. "I love you, Yang."
The blonde hardly breathed for a moment, burying her face in the woman's shoulder. "I love you too, Winter."
Slowly, they separated and prepared for bed, rote motions soothing her somewhat. The routine helped but in the back of her mind she had the same snatches of sentences running through, over and over. Even when she crawled into bed, lying on her right side and acutely aware of Winter wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing a kiss against her shoulder, she could hear them repeating on an endless loop.
You can't keep doing this. She deserves better than this. You know what you have to do.
"Good night, Sundrop. I love you."
"Night, Snowdrift." She murmured. "Love ya too."
When the lights cut out, she tried to will herself asleep.
She'd need her energy tomorrow.
The sun hadn't risen yet but lilac eyes blurred by tears could see the digital clock on the bedside table reading four thirty in the morning. She couldn't sleep, restless dreams leading into terrible nightmares, and she'd already woken Winter up twice during the night from sudden movements. A few quiet words and a promise to return to slumber were enough for the woman to fall back asleep but Yang couldn't, doing her best to feign it until she could hear the deep, rhythmic breathing behind her.
How many times had this happened? She'd lost count of the excuses, the near misses, but she remembered the nights after, when sleep wouldn't come and she laid there, counting the hours until the other woman stirred, when she'd plaster on a convincing smile and pretend like she hadn't laid awake the whole time. In the past, they'd always had something that preoccupied them, some form of distraction, but those became fewer and fewer nowadays. Remnant was on the road to recovery and those who had fought so hard to save it could take a step back, focus on more immediate issues. Weiss had the SDC, Blake had the White Fang, Ruby had Beacon, Winter had the Atlesian military, and Yang had Vale, but those things could bend to the natural demands of life. Time off, time to recoup and recover- things that hadn't been readily available in years now could be attained at a simple request.
Which meant… this would happen again. And again and again, and she had started losing hope it'd turn out any differently. For whatever reason, she couldn't just grin and bear it this time around, couldn't shove all her own feelings back for the sake of her partner.
What was wrong with her? She should be able to do this. It wasn't fair to Winter to keep denying her. She had to do something.
Carefully, she reached out for the extra pillow, dragging it closer slowly. Then, she folded it over and started shifting, enough for the other woman to loosen the arm around her waist just enough for her to slip out and replace her body with the pillow. She watched as Winter curled her arm, automatically trying to draw the blonde closer while asleep.
You can't keep hurting her.
Yang reached out, brushing a few locks of alabaster hair out of Winter's face. She looked so peaceful when asleep, the severity from her military posture obliterated, and the blonde couldn't help but bite her lip as tears stung at her eyes.
Despite all her father's words to the contrary, she still acted on her gut and her heart, rarely thinking with her head. Right now, her gut said to confront the issue head on and hope for the best outcome. But as her gaze fell to the stump of her right arm, she had to admit that following her gut hadn't gotten her the best outcome in the past. Sometimes, everything worked out well enough, but others…
No matter what, you're going to hurt her. You're nothing but trouble. You've always been broken like this.
The tears started to fall as she made her decision, opting for one path out of many. It seemed antithetical to everything she'd ever done, everything she stood for… so maybe, this time, the outcome would be better.
Yang watched for a few more minutes before easing herself off the bed and reattaching the arm, biting down on the quiet grunt that accompanied the anchor powering it up. Quietly, she set about getting dressed in the dark, using only the light of the shattered moon overhead to light the way. It didn't seem like it would be enough, to some degree, but the darkness outside couldn't be any darker than the thoughts plaguing her mind.
Like mother like daughter, leaving in the dead of night like this. What happened to being better than that?
A snarl curled her lips as she passed over some things in favor of others. Leaving the monogrammed shell belt that was a birthday present from Winter in favor of the old beaten one she used to wear, grabbing her old orange scarf but leaving the anniversary present of a citrine necklace, her old leather jacket instead of the new one she got when they went shopping a few months back- she wanted to take them but it would just hurt. She wouldn't be the only one with a dagger in her heart with every glance at them, of course, but… she'd learned a long time ago that sadness and anger were often the same things. Just expressed differently.
After Raven left, Dad found Summer. Snowdr- Winter, she won't waste time being sad. She'll get angry, she'll get over me, and then she'll find her own Summer.
That's what she tried to tell herself, anyway. She only half believed it. Winter probably wouldbe distraught and miss her for a while… but a woman like her could have anyone in Remnant. Eventually, she'd find someone who wasn't a broken mess, someone better, someone who could make her happy. After mentally berating herself a bit more for her own cowardice, she grabbed her go bag and another duffel and started filling it with just the essentials: Ember Celica's entire kit, her wallet and a few extra changes of clothes, her scroll and such. When she zipped it up, she heard movement coming from the bed and froze, crouched down by the bags.
Don't wake up. Don't wake up. Don't wak-
"Yang?" The sleepiness in her voice quickly gave way to a sort of panicked concern. "Yang?" She bit her lip, trying to arrange the words in her head as bed springs creaked and the bedside lamp flicked on, chasing away the darkness. "Yang, what are you doing?"
"I'm leaving," she said, slowly standing up with the strap in her hand, ducking her head under it so it rested on her left shoulder.
"Did you get a Huntress assignment?" The sheets ruffled as the woman got out of bed. "Is it a long one?"
"No." She grabbed her go bag in her left hand, swallowing thickly. "It's nothing like that."
"Then what's going on?" Soft footfalls came up behind her, a light touch to her right shoulder. "Yang?"
Tell her the truth. You should've told her a long time ago. You did this.
"It's… it's over." Marshaling her courage, she turned around and looked at Winter, doing everything in her power to remain straight faced as possible. "We can't be together anymore."
Shock splayed across the woman's expression, blue eyes wide. "… what?"
"It's for the best." Yang did her best to stay strong and gripped the strap cutting across her chest to keep her hand from shaking. "You should know it's not you. You've been… more than I deserve-"
"Don't say that," the woman said, an edge of severity in her tone. "That's not- what brought this on?" She reached out, setting her hands on the blonde's shoulders. "Whatever it is, we can talk it out-"
"We really can't." She took a slow step back, drawing away from the woman's touch. "But it's not you. It's me and I- I should've told you before. I've let this go on too long." Tears came to her eyes and she blinked, trying to force them back. "I'm sorry, Winter. It's over."
"Yang, please, just tell me what's going on. I don't understand." She raised her arms again but Yang stepped back again, knowing that contact between them would break down her resolve. "Sundrop-"
"Please, stop." She turned her away, heading for the dresser where her motorcycle keys sat. "It's just done. We're through."
"Can you tell me why?" The question came out soft but it brought her to a dead halt before she could pick them up. "Do I get that, at least?"
Yang's prosthetic fingers shook- a rare malfunction due to the overwhelming sensory data. She wanted to turn around and beg for forgiveness, explain everything, but she could already see in her mind's eye- the outrage, the fury, the disgust. So, she remained silent, the minutes ticking by slowly as the barest hints of sunrise touched the horizon.
"I see… very well." She could hear the warble in the woman's voice; Winter was doing everything in her power to keep from crying. She always had a rather impressive amount of control over her own emotions, sometimes to a maddening degree, but that cold persona had fallen away piece by piece over the months they'd spent together and it killed the blonde to hear both, the desperate clinging to that old mask and the obvious cracks from not wearing it for so long. "I suppose this means we… won't be having dinner this Friday."
She cringed, remembering that date they'd set up a three weeks ago at a fancy restaurant downtown. Yang didn't really do the whole 'dress code enforced' type of place, but the woman came from that sort of social circle and occasionally liked to indulge, and damnit if she didn't cut a figure in her suits. The blonde had acquiesced to every request for formal events because Winter asked so infrequently and she'd even been looking forward to this one. "Yeah."
Grabbing the keys, she winced at how the clinking of metal against metal seemed to echo in the bedroom. A few more steps and she'd be out into the hallway, then the living room, then the doorstep- it seemed like a simple progression of events but her body felt like lead.
"Will I see you again?" The note of desperation in the woman's tone tore at her heart, forcing to bite her lip to keep silent until she could give the right answer. "I understand that… sometimes, people need space. Time to think, alone. We could… be on break, until you feel ready to return."
Yang took in a deep breath and looked up towards the ceiling, willing herself not to cry. The whole point of sneaking out was to have a clean break, no contact. Weiss would be furious with her but Blake would understand. Hell, she might even find it ironic that Yang was taking a page out of her own book, but… well… it seemed to work for her, and Raven, and everyone else who ran away. "No. This is goodbye, Winter." She swallowed thickly, doing her best to sound like she actually wanted to be saying the words. "That's final."
In the silence that followed, she swore she could hear Winter's heart breaking and it killed her on the inside to be the cause.
"Right. Of course. In that case… forgive me for this." She moved away and it prompted Yang to turn around, eyebrows furrowing as the woman reached up and opened a shadow box hanging on the wall. Within, every medal and decoration she'd earned during her service in the Atlesian military stood, the coins slotted into grooves while the medals were pinned to the backing, and she moved aside the biggest one in the middle to reveal a little cubby hole cut out of it. Yang had never known that was there- why would she?- but the other woman reached in with practiced ease and withdrew something from the hiding place. "I'd planned on doing this after that dinner… but I suppose it doesn't matter now."
Then she turned around and Yang's breath caught in her throat, keys sliding from her fingers as her shoulders slumped in shock. In her hands was a little black box.
A ring box.
"The past two years have been the only ones I really felt like I lived," Winter said, gaze fixated on the ring box, fingers running over the smooth velvet case. "Before that, it was a slog through battlefields, a constant fight to just see the next day, and before that a cold emptiness that seemed to stretch on forever. I took some comfort in the routine of it all but little pleasure. I thought that's all life was: agonizing nothingness or unrelenting struggle with all too brief moments of happiness in between. Being with you, though, changed that; it opened my eyes to the simple beauty of the world. The calm of a lazy Sunday, the warmth of an embrace, the joy of laughter- I saw glimpses of them before, little moments during the war, but the last two years…" She sighed, a small smile coming to her lips. "Every day's been wonderful. We've had some rough times, some stressful stretches, but I've been able to lean on you when the world felt too overwhelming. You're strong, courageous, with a beautiful heart and a shining soul." Winter paused, chest stuttering as she did her best to hold in a sob. "I truly feel privileged to have met you, to know you, to… to love you."
Tears pricked at her eyes even as matching ones began rolling down the woman's cheeks. This was why she'd tried taking the coward's way out; deep down, some part of her knew it wasn't as easy as a small nuance between 'sad' and mad', no, people weren't so shallow. Well, maybe some were, but not Winter. It was one of the things she loved most about the woman, how much depth could be found in the smallest of gestures.
But this was the right thing to do. No matter how much it hurt, it stood as the best option for both of them.
She wanted the woman to be happy; happier than the blonde could make her. Winter deserved a real, full relationship, and she… she couldn't give that.
"I've found that, the more our lives have become intertwined, the less I wanted them to be separate and distinct. What we've built together… is important to me." She sighed, shaking her head. "There's more- I spent the past three weeks writing this all out. But, in light of the circumstances…"
Winter's expression screwed up and she turned her head away, trying to hide the pain. It hurt- the blonde swallowed down the impulse to go to the woman, to comfort her, because she never wanted to put her through this, she should've broken it off before they got to this point. But she wanted to pretend like things could stay the way they were and never change.
Winter strode towards her, lacking the normal confidence in her steps and seeming unsteady. Once about arm's length away, she got down on one knee and pried open the box, revealing the shining engagement ring within sitting on a bed of velvet. A band of white gold with a diamond set in the middle, rounded edges lending to a flowing design etched into the ring; it looked sturdy enough to survive a punch or two, if need be, and that made her hurt even worse. "I want to say that I am the luckiest woman alive to have had this chance with you… and that hasn't changed." Kneeling there in her pajamas, white hair flowing over her shoulders- she looked beautiful and sincere. "I was going to ask you to be my wife on Friday. I love you, Yang, and I wanted us to be together; we survived a war together, we helped rebuild Remnant together, we've done and seen so much and I wanted to continue it. I wanted to be there for you, in good times and bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til…" She slowly closed the ring box. "But if you want to leave… I can't make you stay. I want you to be happy, Yang. I thought I could…" Winter paused and shook her head. "It doesn't matter." She reached out, at first aiming for the blonde's left hand but switching to her right and pressing the ring box into metal fingers. "Please, take this. As a reminder that, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things look… you are loved. Unconditionally. You've inspired that within me and I have no doubt you'll find someone who can do that for you, too. Even if I can't be the one you love, I'll still be here if you need anything." She swallowed thickly, obviously forcing down her own tears. "As a friend." Guided by flesh and blood once, metal fingers were curled around the ring box before they withdrew. Winter looked up at her and smiled- it was a small, fragile thing, but the sentiment remained genuine. "I wish you every happiness, Yang." A single tear slipped out and she quickly looked down to hide her face. "And I'm sorry for whatever I did to lose you."
Lilac eyes fell onto the little box in her right hand. This symbol of undeserved love, given freely.
She should turn and leave right now. It would be the right thing to do. Leave Winter to be consoled by her- likely irate, given the hour- younger sister and begin the healing process.
Once, when she first stepped foot onto Beacon's grounds, she believed herself nigh invincible. Strong. Ridiculously so, and stronger for every hit weathered.
Yang learned the hard way that even she could be knocked down. That she wasn't the strongest person. That strength- real strength- couldn't be counted by any physical measure.
Truthfully, she was rather weak. She had a temper, she threw herself into every endeavor without a thought to the consequences, and even being injured as a result had only slowed her down a little. But most importantly, she cared- cared more about healing another's sorrows than mending her own.
And no matter how much she tried, she would never be like Raven. She couldn't be.
The go bag fell from limp fingers a moment before her knees hit the ground. The blonde wrapped her arms around the other woman, holding her and rubbing her left hand across her back soothingly even as she nearly choked on her own tears.
"You didn't do anything," she said, trying to at least sound somewhat intelligible. "It's not you, Winter, I swear. I just-" Squeezing her eyes tight, she sobbed, forcing the words from her mouth. "It's me. I can't be what you deserve. I can't do it; I'm so sorry."
"What are you talking about?" Fingers dug into the fabric of her jacket, holding her close, and she relished the embrace even as some part of her screeched that it would just make the parting all the more painful. "You're everything to me-"
"I can't have sex with you!" The words were acid on her tongue, the truth laid bare between them. Only a matter of time remained until the sorrow turned to offense, to anger- eventually, all her good qualities would be obliterated.
That's how it always went.
Slowly, the irregular breathing subsided and Winter pulled back, looking at her in utter confusion. Yang braced herself, holding in her agony and hoping she could at least make it down the stairs before breaking down again after being kicked out.
"Is that what this is about?" Her brows drew together and anger flashed in her eyes. "You're leaving me because you don't want to have sex with me?"
"It's not that I don't want to!" The response came out almost instantly, an automatic reaction, but she quickly corrected herself while wincing. "I mean- yeah, that's- that's true, too, but it's not because of you! I… I don't want to have sex. Not with anyone! Not at all! I just- I can't- I-"
A hand came to her shoulder, bringing her unsteady flood to a halt. "Yang, are you saying you have no interest in sex at all?"
She hung her head and nodded, ashamed. "Yeah. I… I've been like this for years. Before we met. Since… since the first time I…" She hugged her arms around herself. "I should be able to, like all the other times, I should've told you a long time ago, but I can't- I'm sorry, I should-"
"Stop, stop stop stop." Yang found herself pulled forward, the anger she expected absent as she found herself in Winter's embrace once more, fingers carding through her hair. "There's no 'should' about this, Sundrop. You didn't want to and I-" She froze, a realization coming over her. "Oh Maidens, Yang, I'm so sorry. I- I misread everything- I thought you wanted me to-" She pulled back, guiding their gazes to meet and she could see the panic flashing in blue eyes. "I never meant to hurt you, Yang; I should've seen a long time ago that you didn't want to take things that route."
"I… should've told you," she said, a croak in her voice as her gaze darted away. "I was just… everyone else I ever told…"
"I would guess 'reacted negatively' is a vast understatement." Winter cupped her face tenderly, rubbing thumbs along the blonde's cheeks. "They aren't me but that doesn't mean I'm without my faults. I'm so sorry. I should've realized what was going on, or tried addressing it in plain terms rather than going off what I took to be hints."
"But I-" She sobbed. "I should be able to do this for you."
"That's not how love works, Yang." The woman leaned forward, resting their foreheads together even as Yang tried to bring her sniffling under control. "It's a compromise, give and take, but that's based on what we both want. I don't want to hurt you and this? Trying to force yourself into a situation that makes you so uncomfortable? That's never what I want."
She started crying again because it couldn't be this easy. Maybe- maybe Winter wasn't getting it, maybe she thought she could 'fix' her, because past precedent had taught her never to accept that things could be easy. Beacon and Salem, Summer and Raven, every partner she'd ever had- things just weren't straight forward in her life. "How can you… how can you say that? I can't- I can't change. I've tried, I've tried-"
"You don't have to try, Yang. You can't change this part of yourself and I'm not asking you to do that." Winter wiped away the fresh tears streaming down her face. "How we've been? Let's just continue that. We don't need sex to have a meaningful relationship; the absence of it doesn't detract from the past two years." She smiled. "I meant what I said, Sundrop. They've been the best of my life and I am truly honored to have spent them beside you. I don't want that to end- I don't want us to end."
"But- now you know." Lilac eyes darted down to the ring box but focused on the black, yellow, and white metal of her prosthetic as old demons came back to stab at her one more time. "You know how broken I am. How can you-"
"Yang Xiao Long," she said, the angry edge back in her voice and expression absolutely livid, in that terrifyingly calm way she'd always carried herself. "What part of the word 'unconditionally' did you fucking miss?" Her hand slide down from the blonde's cheek, over her shoulder and to the anchor, rubbing at the tender skin just above the metal. "You were hurt, yes, and you pulled yourself back together. It took an impressive amount of courage and determination, but you did it. You didn't come away from that experience without your scars but I've never seen you as less for them; they've shown that there's more to you than anyone had ever guessed, and I feel deeply touched to have had the opportunity to see it for myself." Her expression softened into one of pained guilt. "To me, this is no different. It's part of who you are, it's an integral part, and it can't be changed. And I, for one, don't want it to; I don't want you forcing yourself to be someone you're not or do something that you can't purely for my sake. Between us, I should've done more to show you that. I should've ensured you felt safe and secure enough to talk about this. Maybe I couldn't have dispelled the fear entirely, but I should've made it clear that I could never be upset with you for telling me how you feel. I'm sorry; I should've been better."
Yang bit her lip, breath stuttering in her chest as she tried to wrangle her emotions. Aside from being distraught over all the things she'd said and done- trying to leave like it meant nothing, hiding this part of herself, admitting the truth- she could feel the warmth of hope pulsing in her heart. Slowly, she brought the ring box in her hand up, rotating her wrist slowly so she could see the velvet easily in the light filtering in through the window. "So… you're not… angry?"
"I would say I'm frustrated, but it's all directed at myself." The corners of the woman's mouth turned down into a severe frown. "I almost lost the most important person in my life due to my own blindness, over something as petty as sexual gratification. Can you truly blame me for being a little peeved at my own ignorance?"
A short, mirthless chuckle burst from her mouth. "… are you really asking that of the person who nearly walked out on the best thing to ever happen to her over a dumb misunderstanding?"
"Well, when you put it that way." Winter puffed out a laugh, pulling back a little to smile at her.
She found herself returning it, the hope growing that maybe… maybe this would all work out. Some part of her didn't want to push that far- why take away the bright spot so soon after finding it?- but, if things really were falling into place, that unwillingness to potentially ruin everything had landed them in this position in the first place, the two of them kneeling on the ground in their shared apartment at the break of dawn, two bags waiting to be used or unpacked.
Carefully, she raised the ring box, holding it between them and prying open the lid. "It's beautiful."
"The band expands into an adjustable necklace. Your sister helped design it," she said, sounding as if she was holding her breath. "I wouldn't want to inhibit your combat style."
"Thoughtful." Taking a deep breath to steel her nerves, she looked into Winter's eyes. "You never actually asked me, ya know."
"That's true." Without removing the box from her metal fingers, the woman moved her own hands to cup Yang's, presenting the box where it rested. "Yang Xiao Long. You are the love of my life, the light that guides me home, my sanctuary, and I know that one more day with you by my side is worth more than even the most blissful sex capable by any human or faunus in Remnant. I say these words with the full understanding that all I'm asking of you is to continue as we have, walking this path together." She smiled then and it become so obvious that not even the staunchest of the little voices in the blonde's head could deny the honesty shining bright in the woman's expression. "Will you marry me?"
Moving her left hand to cover one of Winter's, she offered a watery smile first, followed by her words.
"Yes," she replied, not at all surprised by the kiss that followed.
How quickly it broke off, however, did surprise her. "Wait, was that okay?"
"Huh?" Yang couldn't help but blink, a little bit surprised but mostly confused.
"Well, you've made it clear that sex is off the table." Her girlfr- fiance narrowed her eyes slightly in suspicion. "Is there anything else you've been doing for my sake?"
Then it clicked. "I still like kissing. I mean- I've always liked kissing." Curling her lips into a smile, she wrapped her arms around Winter's shoulders to bring her closer. "Cuddling, too. For the record."
Relief flashed across the woman's expression as she leaned forward, hands splaying across the blonde's back and rubbing in soft, smooth circles. "That's good to hear. But we're going to have to establish something to make sure I don't cross any more boundaries."
"What, like a safe word?" A little teasing came to her voice as she giggled. "It's supposed to be something really out there, ya know, like something you wouldn't say every day. Like-"
"Okay, hold that thought, Little Miss Jokes." A finger came up to rest on her lips. "I'm being serious. I'm not making another mistake like this."
She couldn't help but smile wide. "I can always appreciate the dedication of a Schnee." Yang quirked an eyebrow. "Among other things."
"It never fails to surprise me how quickly you bounce back."
"It's one of my-" Any smart remark about to leave her mouth became irrelevant, the yawn that took precedence stretching her mouth wide. Suddenly, all the turmoil of the past several hours slammed into her with force, and her fitful sleep hadn't given her much energy to run on anyway. "Uh, sorry."
Winter looked over at the window, noting the faint light streaking through and smiling. "Why don't you change into something a little more comfortable while I draw the curtains? We can continue this conversation after you take a nap."
"Ah, I'm fine." She waved off the other woman's concern. "Don't you have a meeting or something in a few hours?"
A single brow arched before her fiance got to her feet, walking over to the bedside table where her scroll sat on the charger. After a rapid succession of taps without even picking the device up, she hummed and flashed a small smile at Yang. "What meeting?"
"Weiss is gonna be pissed," the blonde said, standing up and moving the bag off her shoulder, letting it drop to be dealt with later. "It took her three months to convince you to go to that."
"I simply told her I'm not feeling well and I don't plan on leaving the bed outside of necessities until tomorrow. She's pushed the meeting back a day; hardly an inconvenience we don't regularly plan for anyway." Without waiting for any further response from her scroll, Winter set about closing the curtains around the room while she changed back into her sleep wear. "Although she's extremely focused on turning the SDC around, she's nothing like our father; her family means more to her than prestige ever will."
"So you exploit that by telling a little white lie?" Yang stumbled over to the bedside, plopping down with a relieved sigh. When she'd pulled herself from it an hour ago, she thought it might be the last time she ever shared a bed with anyone- because if she couldn't have someone like Winter, why bother trying? Lilac eyes fell on the ring box, still clutched in her hand, as she reached up to release her prosthetic from the anchor. "If she ever finds out-"
"I'm not lying." She felt the bed depress behind her, the shuffling of fabric preceding the other woman pressing against her back, arms wrapping loosely around her waist. "Our relationship is one of my priorities and Weiss well knows that. Until we've talked everything through, I won't feel comfortable leaving your side. And you need your rest. I can't imagine the stress you've put yourself through in the past day to be healthy by any stretch of the imagination." The soft kiss pressed just behind her ear seemed more tentative than usual. "I won't feel well until we've hashed things out. I plan on us staying in this bed as much as possible until you're well rested. Not a lie in sight."
With a smile tugging at her lips- while her resiliency might continually surprise her fiance, Winter's sneaky wordplay always got her- she detached her prosthetic, still clutching the ring box, and set it on the bedside table. "What are we going to do about Friday?"
"What do you want to do?" She laid her left over the arms around her waist, idly rubbing her fingers in small circles across smooth skin. "I can cancel the reservations and we can instead enjoy a nice, lazy night cuddled up on the couch. Or, we could go anyway and just have a nice, fancy dinner together. Or…" Yang tilted her head slightly, indicating she wanted to hear more. "Or, I can proceed with what I originally planned. A romantic meal, a heartfelt proposal, doves taking flight in the background."
The blonde's nose scrunched up. "You'd never use doves; you'll summon a flock of the little Nevermores."
A kiss against her shoulder. "You know me too well. Weiss thought it would be overkill."
"Well, tell you what. Since you already know my answer…" Yang turned, enough to draw the other woman into a tender kiss. "Go for broke- and I don't mean that literally. As much overkill as you want- go nuts." At the questioning look she received, the blonde chuckled. "Look, we both know we've been keeping little parts of ourselves hidden. Hasn't done us much good, has it?" She moved her hand, following the arm around her waist until she could lace their fingers together. "So let's show all of ourselves from now on, yeah? I know, somewhere deep down, you've got the heart of a true romantic. Let it shine."
"The part of me that's loved you since the very beginning is absolutely ecstatic about that." Winter frowned slightly. "But the military has taught me to be suspicious when I'm encouraged to make the first move."
"Yes, Snowdrift, you've ferreted out my secret plan." She leaned closer, lowering her voice while smirking. "I'm luring you into an ambush of love. All's fair, right?" Though her fiance rolled her eyes at the joke, they both laughed until she was tugged back to lie down in the bed proper. The other woman pulled the covers up to her elbow even as her eyes drifted closed, all her energy fleeing her in that moment. Had the thought not snuck to the forefront of her mind in that very moment, she would've dropped into unconsciousness right then, but it niggled, writhing around in her head. Finally, she figured out why, forcing her eyes open and rolling onto her back. "Winter?"
"Hmmm?" Laying on her right side with her head popped up, the other woman seemed genuinely concerned. "What's wrong, Yang? Is it too hot?" A brief pause. "Nevermind, you're never too hot. Perhaps-"
"Why aren't you holding me?" Lilac eyes pointedly fell on the space between them. It seemed they did, in fact, have some things to talk about once she took a nap.
While Winter would never admit to it, she had her tells. The brief tightening around her eyes, the twitch at her mouth- she'd hoped she was doing the right thing and felt a moment of doubt. "I… thought that… well… this is a bed and…"
"Most people sleep in beds, that doesn't make them sexual," she said, turning onto her side. Unfortunately, that meant her left arm was now against the mattress, which made reaching out a bit more difficult, but when she moved her right arm, her fiance understood, shuffling closer and wrapping an arm around her waist, high enough that her stump could rest on Winter's bicep. "We've been falling asleep in each other's arms for almost a year and a half. That's another thing I really like." A little chuckle passed her lips. "I guess I should've known you'd overreact."
"I am not overreacting." There was no severity to her voice, a ghost of a smile coming to her lips as the blonde gave her a challenging look. Carefully, Winter reached up and ran lithe fingers through blonde locks, nails scratching against her scalp- a still unfamiliar but pleasant sensation. "I almost lost you once through inattentiveness on my part. I'll not run that risk again." Something sparked deep in her eyes and she quickly rolled over, reaching for her scroll. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to do research."
"Research?" She yawned again, cutting off the obvious follow-up question.
"There have to be others with experiences similar to yours." The blonde could hear the typing, clicking of keys in absence of fingernails against the screen. "I'm sure a bit of digging will-" Winter paused, making a soft noise in the back of her throat after a few more taps. "Yang, have you ever heard the term 'asexual' before?"
"Yeah. Isn't that, like, a biology thing for single something organisms?"
"It's also an actual sexuality." Furrowing her brows, Yang looked over, prompting her to continue. "Listen to this: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires. An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction." The woman looked away from her scroll. "Does that sound… well, accurate?" Almost dumbly, she nodded, allowing her fiance to continue reading aloud. "Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who someone is. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community-"
She shifted, looking at the screen herself. "C-community? Did I hear that right?"
"You did, Sundrop." Winter's voice, soft in her ear, put into words something she'd hardly been able to think herself. "You're not alone; you're not broken. You just didn't know."
Impulsively, she made a grab for the scroll and her fiance let her, reading over her head as lilac eyes darted across the words while she sat up, pouring over the information. "I… have a flag?" She tilted the screen. "Look."
"I see. I think it's rather fetching," she replied, a smile on her lips. "I'm sure it comes in pins and patches, perhaps for your jacket?"
"Yeah… that sounds… really nice." Tears came to her eyes again but, for the first time in a while, they were the sort of overwhelming, happy type that she didn't bother holding back.
All this pain… and I just didn't know.
Yang tapped on the next page, and the next, drinking in the information like she'd been lost in a desert for years. It wasn't too far off from the truth. She'd just delved into the fourth subpage when Winter pulled the scroll from her fingers, silencing any protest with a look.
"I promise, everything will be there when you wake up, but you need sleep right now." She set the scroll down, out of sight, and coaxed Yang to lay back down. "I'll even bookmark the pages. We can read through them together later, okay?"
"Okay." The agreement came with only a little reluctance, and if she hadn't felt the urge to yawn locking up her jaw she might've argued, but the woman had a point. "As soon as I wake up, we're going to have a long talk about all this." Yang scooted closer, tucking her head beneath her fiance's. "I can't believe I never thought to search for it. I- I thought it was just a phase, and then-"
"It's in the past, Sundrop." Although the blonde could feel how briefly it occurred, it still tugged her lips into a frown to feel the momentary shock that went through Winter's body, as if had to debate whether or not to move before settling against her.
"Still, I don't want you walking on eggshells around me." She moved forward just a bit more, burying her head in her fiance's chest. "You've done everything in your power to be the best partner anyone could ever ask for and I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."
Lips pressed against the top of her head. "Hush, now. Enough of that. We can't change the past, but we can look towards the future with hope."
"Speaking of that, the future I mean…" Her words were becoming a touch slurred as sleep called to her, the familiar presence of the woman's body lulling her to slumber more effectively than any lullaby. "How are you gonna… well… any thoughts on scratching the itch when it comes?"
"I realize it might come as a shock to you, but there's these wonderful inventions called 'vibrators', Yang."
The unexpected bluntness of the answer sent the blonde into a laughing fit and, when she looked up, she saw nothing but proud amusement reflecting in blue eyes.
In that moment, she knew they'd be alright.
"I love you, Snowdrift."
"I love you, too, Sundrop." Winter's mirth faded into a soft, happy smile. "Now, get some sleep."
Settling back down, Yang allowed her eyes to fall closed and fell asleep quickly, wrapped up in a loving embrace and thanking every lucky star she had that she hadn't made the biggest mistake of her life in the past twenty four hours. No doubt there would be trials ahead, and mistakes and misunderstandings and the like, but those would've come regardless. At least she could be secure in the knowledge that her future wife took them very seriously and would do her level best to be understanding, just as she needed to be patient.
After all… isn't that love?