This is entirely a parody. I really do love Kuroshitsuji, and am not really making fun of it. I am doing this because it's a really freaking funny inside joke that I thought you might want to enjoy as well.
You must be pretty cracked up in the head if you picked this pairing anyways, so you might as well read. It's not that long. And it's worth it. I promise.
Anyway, comment and yeah. Enjoy. And wait till next chapter for more sexy sex.
The rain was pounding down on the windows of the Phantomhive mansion, tapping against the window panes like horses running through a meadow. The water running down the window reminded Ciel of the hot steamy sweat on Sebastian's hot steamy body. Ciel stared out at the stormy night longingly, remembering the days when his uncle used to rape him on nights like these.
Poor Ciel.
There was a light knock at the door; pulling Ciel out of his nostalgic gaze. He rubbed his eyes, reaching for his eye patch.
"Who is it…?" He said drowsily. At this time at night? Sebastian would never disturb him at a time like this.
There was no answer. The door creaked open slowly…
REVEALING FINNIAN! WEARING NOTHING BUT A SHOVEL!!!!
Ciel was taken aback, his eyes wandering down to Finnian's nether-regions. A hot flush crept onto his cheeks, staining them pink. Luckily he had not quite reached puberty (although his voice is deeper than Lau's…the incest-y old nasty man…? Who's like…25, maybe?), or he would have some kind of raging boner. But he didn't. Not yet that is….)
"Finnian! Why are you naked?!"
"Why are you wet?!"
Ciel looked down and realized that he had indeed wet the bed. Again.
"I still don't understand why you're naked!"
Finnian smirked, "On the contrary, my young lord, I am wearing a shovel."
Now, here one may ask oneself; How in the world does one Finnian wear a shovel? How does any one wear a shovel? Well, good sir, you have been deprived of a magical experience. Wearing a shovel is a very exuberant and mystical thing, that will change your life forever.
Step 1: find yourself a shovel. Garden shovel, pooper scooper, whatever. I could seriously care less what kind of shovel you prefer.
Step 2: Become naked. Naked like you were first born. It does not matter how you become naked; if you strip yourself, if you have someone else do it, if your penis is SO large that it rips through your pants (and therefore you have to wear a dress like the Undertaker), or if they burn off in a tragic fire, like Ciel's mom (no, she wasn't a dirty skank. Okay, maybe she was. But that doesn't change anything).
Step 3: Find some sort of bonding material. Rope, bondage straps, super glue, cum…that's probably not smart. Herpes is not your friend. Neither is AIDS. Or ghonnasyphilitis (pronounced gone-a-siff-il-I-tis. Definition: gonorrhea mixed with syphilis. And then itus. Because it makes everything sound more deadly).
Step 4: Attach the shovel to your body using one of your bonding materials. I would highly suggest you do not attach said shovel to a sensitive area; such as your eyes, mouth, ears, or genitals. That is all you need in life, so don't f*ck it up.
There. Now you know how to wear a shovel. I really hope I have opened your eyes to something amazing and wonderful that you can share or wear at your next family function. Perhaps Grandma Joann would like to wear a shovel? Perhaps indeed…
Back to the story~
Finnian ran up to Ciel and changed his diaper.
Now everything was…almost good. Ciel was now dry, but BUST MY BUTTONS FINNIAN WAS STILL NAKED!
Ciel contemplated on what he would do to fix this predicament. He pondered it for a moment, then decided on something ingenious. Considering Ciel never dressed himself and therefore did not even know where his clothes were, he decided to give Finnian his night shirt.
He took out off slowly, his nasty, straggly, lanky little boy body being revealed in the pale moonlight. Finnian watched him do this, his eyes widening with shock and terror. What would any other pedophile do in this situation? There was a hot yet terrifyingly skinny twelve year old boy stripping sensually in front of him. He couldn't control his animal like instincts any longer.
Ciel handed him his night shirt, glaring up at him. "Cover yourself up, you nasty gardener. You're making me sick."
Finnian couldn't think of Ciel as the little bitch he was, so he decided to warp his mind into thinking Ciel was sexy for being an asshole. He became more turned on, his shovel rising significantly.
And yes, by shovel, I mean penis. Oh dense one.
Ciel watched in confusion, not quite old enough to understand the situation. So he just watched, like it was a freaking movie or something, as Finnian became aroused (sexually, of course).
Finny crawled onto Ciel's HUGE ASS BED (I mean seriously, it's big enough to fit like, 20 people. Every character in the dang series could have one hell of an orgy on that thing), and cupped his cheek in his hands.
His face cheek.
Pervert.
Ciel blinked up at him, his face becoming hot in Finny's hand. Finnian smiled like an evil rapist, and Ciel was instantly reminded of the uncle he longed for earlier in the night. Ciel threw his arms around Finnian's girlish frame, pulling him down on top of him.
"Uncle! Diddle me once more!"
Finnian was perplexed. However, he was horny, so his brain size was reduced to half of that of a squirrel. His brain power was shot down into his throbbing member, and he flipped Ciel over on the bed.
RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE
BAM
POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER. POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER. POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER.
Now Ciel was wet again.
And they were both naked.
The end.
Or is it? Ho ho. You thought it was done?
You were wrong.
The Undertaker burst through the window, also naked. He was riding in a chariot; which was adorned in dead roses, glitter, and a sexual mural of Finnian. And penises. Lots of penises. The chariot flew around Ciel's room, crashing around and breaking everything. Ciel was outraged-and still wet!
Finnian blushed, staring at the Undertaker's beautiful flowing mane and glistening silver pubes. He was aroused once more. The shovel hit Ciel, cutting his jugular vein.
Blood sprayed out from Ciel's neck, dousing Finnian in sticky juices (well aren't you perverted. That's right, I read your dirty mind. What would your mother think?).
The Undertaker hopped off of his chariot, sweeping Finnian up in his arms. He embraced him tightly, burying his face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent.
"You smell like roses and dirt", he whispered, brushing his lips on his ear.
Finnian shivered at the warmness of his lips, his knees buckling in anticipation of pleasure. The Undertaker smirked as he held him tighter, chuckling (also like a rapist). "Come along, my little gardener. Let his go back to the morgue and…tell some jokes." He burst out laughing as he whisked Finny away on his beautiful chariot.
Ciel was dead. Bleeding pretty f*cking bad. If he wasn't dead, he was going to lead a pretty miserable life; maybe be paralyzed, maybe have some scars…who knows. Pretty bad though. Might as well let him go?
Nah.
Sebbs ran into the room, in full doctor's costume. He put the stethoscope up to his chest, realizing that indeed, the blood was coming from him in large quantities and that perhaps he should do something.
He made and evil demon cupcake and shoved into Ciel's open throat hole.
And Ciel, in a cloud of sparkles, magically became well again!
Next time in BUST MY PHANTOMHIVE BUTTONS:
Finnian and the Undertaker go to the Bahamas, only to meet Ciel in a Tikki bar, working as a provocative topless bartender. But not really working, because Ciel doesn't move. He has Sebastian moving him, which can look entirely sexual if you imagine it so.
Why are they all in the Bahamas you may ask? Why aren't they in the Bahamas. Why aren't they.
Well, of course that's not really what will happen, but common. I have to get your attention somehow.
Thank you for reading this piece of poop. If you enjoy Dirty Sanchez's, then this may indeed be a piece of sex.
I hope you will enjoy my Dirty Sanchez again.
Comment, please. I want to hear your thoughts on this masterpiece.