Redefining
What I Once Was

"What happens now?"

He smiles and catches me in another kiss. The sparks still trail across my back to my hips and linger there. My fingers relax and slowly drop to his belt loops. I'm left breathless again.

He tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear, "I guess we're dating…?" it is almost as though he is asking me. Double-checking that that is what I want too. I think it is. Though I never thought as myself as the dating type. Or him for that matter.

"Exclusively?" I can't believe I just asked that. Might as well get it out the way, I think to myself, he does have a reputation after all.

"One step at a time." He chuckles. It's not exactly the answer I was hoping for but it was pretty much what I expected. "Pick you up tonight then around 8?"

For a moment I forget everything and am completely distracted by the prospect of a first date with him. Would it be a first date? Do we count the dance? Then it hits me. "Shit. I'm grounded." And a quick glance at my watch reminds me that I should be home, now. "I have to go. Dad could be home any moment." I don't know whether I'm meant to kiss him as I leave or not. It makes for an awkward moment as we just stare blankly at each other.

"I'll walk you to your car." Instead of just walking off and expecting me to follow he grabs my hand, holding it tightly in his. The sparks are back.

We reach my car in record time, he's practically dragging me across the beach. I fumble in my pockets for me keys, trying to spend an extra few moments with him. I can only delay it so long and soon I have to unlock my door. I turn away from him for a second and just as I'm about to open the door and climb in, he spins me round and lands another breath taking kiss on me. This is what I've been missing out on? Wasting all this time pretending not to be interested?

"See you later." He breathes in my ear as he pulls away from me. I watch him quickly climb on his bike and ride away.

*****

I managed to sneak into the house before Dad came home. I dusted my boots off in the car so there would be no trace of sand in the house. I feel guilty about sneaking out but what he doesn't know can't give him a heart attack. The evening creeps by. The events of the beach play over and over in my mind. I half think I dreamt it all.

I never hear from him again. No texts. No calls. I go to my room, set my unused cell phone beside my bed and change into my tank top and flannel pyjama pants. I don't feel tired. But I try my best to sleep. I hear the lights flick off around the house. It won't be long before I am the only one still awake. I leave myself no choice but to read for a while. Anything to keep my mind off him.

Eventually I can hear Dad gently snoring, it's a little past midnight. I give up reading. I toss and I turn in my bed. Nothing is working. I know the last thing I need is fresh air, it'll only wake me further but I need to get out of my room. Grabbing an old woollen throw off the end of my bed, I head to my window, slide it open climb ungracefully out. I land with a thud on the balcony outside.

The afternoon is still on repeat in my head.

I haven't associated myself with being someone's girlfriend or even someone's date in quite some time. It's a foreign concept to me. Not that being someone's random hook-up or one night stand is familiar territory. I certainly never thought I'd find someone in high school. My previous high school had been a cesspool of jocks and stoners. Thinking back just makes me cringe.

I wonder how he feels. I wonder what he is doing. He wanted to go out tonight. He wouldn't say we're exclusive. Maybe he found someone else, another girl to take out. Do I mind? Do I want him to want only me? Yes.

This goes against everything I thought I wanted to be in high school. The person I thought I was. School will be over soon, maybe it is time to re-evaluate what I want and who I am.

He might not even want me as his one and only girlfriend. Where does that leave us? If that's all I want but isn't what he wants, is there any point? Sure it could be fun but futureless. Oh my god I am thinking about a future with him. I'm in high school for crying out loud.

We're barely even friends. We know hardly anything about each other. What if it all goes wrong, can we be friends then? Or at very least back to whatever we were?

Am I over analysing? Do I need to a have nice neat definition of what this is right now? No. I don't. There is no point in redefining my whole existence and our relationship when we haven't even had an official first date.