Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Monty Python although I do suffer from a strange addiction to intertextuality…I am Giantitis (formally known as the BFG) and this is story I wrote while procrastinating for exams. It was a birthday present for Sploogal who is the original 'Hildegard of Bingen'.
Drama Club
"Right. Thankyou everyone." Lily smiled from her podium overlooking the rest of the darkened classroom, dotted with duvets and pillows.
"Can I have your attention please! Hello! WAKE UP!" a scowl crept over her already reddened face.
"We weren't asleep…just resting." Someone yawned from the back of the room.
"Very well" Lily puffed herself up into an 'I'm going to make an important speech' pose. "I'd firstly like to thank you all for sacrificing your sleep to be here tonight for this emergency meeting. Dumbledore has personally assigned me to oversee the direction of our upcoming performance 'A Tribute to Merlin'. However, unfortunately some of the other teachers were less than pleased when I proposed that dress rehearsals be held during class time. Since it seems that particular teachers have no appreciation for the Arts, we will just have to rehearse during all possible breaks…" a unanimous groan filled the room.
"I know, I know." She sympathised. " However, I have roles to allocate during this meeting so can you please try to stay awake. It wont take long...if you pay attention" she added under her breath.
"Oka-a-y." Lily pulled out a long list written on parchment from inside her pyjama pocket. "First order of business…role call."
Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor Common Room, James and Sirius were seated on opposite lounge chairs engrossed a game of Wizards Chess.
"Your move." Sirius yawned.
"You know, those dark rings around your eyes make you resemble a panda." James smirked.
"I'll take that as a complement." Sirius smiled. He then turned to gaze at the clock. "Eleven thirty-five. James, were we supposed to be somewhere at eleven thirty?"
Smash! "Check-mate." James double-checked the time on his watch.
"I don't think so. Although, I'm sure Moony mentioned something about some sort of meeting on tonight. Where is Moony by the way?"
Sirius stretched and rested his hands behind his head. "He had a rendezvous with some feral cats or rabbits, I believe."
"Oh well. It's getting late… and Sirius, if you don't go to bed soon, I'm afraid your eyelids are going to become permanently attached to the floor."
Meanwhile, back in the abandoned classroom…
Lily was now nearing the bottom of the list. "Moonshine… yes… Okay now, Lupin." There was an uncomfortable silence. "Remus Lupin?" Somebody coughed in the back of the room. "Okay. Absent." Lily sighed and scribbled a 'W' next to his name. Oh god, Lily thought as she glanced at the last two names on the list. Please be here, you promised you wouldn't forget! "Last two. Sirius Black and James Potter." Dead silence. She surveyed the room having no luck in identifying the faces of James and Sirius. "Does anyone know where these two are tonight?" She felt a bead of sweat trickle down her forehead. "Anyone? Okay. Okay, fine. I'll just have to allocate their roles without them."
The following day in Transfiguration:
Lily was hunched over her books when the Marauders entered the classroom. James slouched into the seat next to her.
"Yellow. I didn't see you at breakfast this morning."
Lily gave him a death stare. "Yes, but see, I was not obliged to meet you in the Great Hall this morning, because I didn't make a promise to be there precisely at the beginning of breakfast time, did I?"
She turned back to face McGonagall, who was busy handing out flowerpots to the class.
James, confused by Lily's outburst, retreated to his usual spot at the back of the classroom with Remus and Sirius. Sirius noted James' perplexed expression.
"What's wrong with Lily?" he asked.
"I think it's that time of the month," James replied, leaning back on his chair.
"James," Remus edged, "it can't possibly be that time of the month."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "And why not?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Because, my dear Padfoot, we concluded that Lily had that last week and it is a known fact that girls only get that time of the month once a month."
Sirius sat upright in his chair. "Well then, Mr I-Know-Everything-About-Women, what is it?"
Remus switched to a more serious tone. "Did you two irresponsible adolescents forget to do something last night?"
James looked to Sirius, who struck a thinking pose. "No, I don't think we did. Why? Was there an extra piece of homework we forgot to do? Quiddich practice?"
Remus gave them both a stern look. "You guys forgot to attend the emergency meeting, didn't you."
"Emergency meeting?" Sirius asked.
"Yes. Lily called an emergency meeting of the drama club to hand out roles for Merlin's play. Of course I couldn't attend as I had a prior engagement."
James slapped a hand against his forehead, "How could I have forgotten that! I made a promise to her and everything!"
"You're in for it now mate! She's gonna give you…" Sirius paused to heighten the drama. "…The cold shoulder! But don't worry, she'll come crawling back. They always do." He said matter-of-factly.
"And that explains why you're still single does it Padfoot?" laughed Remus.
"Actually, it's because I don't like commitment."
Professor McGonagall's voice bellowed from the front of the classroom.
"BOYS! Pay attention and come and collect your flowerpots so the rest of us can begin the lesson!"
"Sorry Professor." They chimed in unison.
Halfway through the lesson…
"You know fellas, I was hoping to be cast as one of the knights in Dumbledore's play. Imagine, we would get to use real swords!"
"Swords?" James asked.
"Yeah, you know those muggle weapons they use to slice open an opponent, cut him to pieces and stab him in the heart." Sirius made jousting movements with his wand.
Remus rolled his eyes. "We know what a sword is Sirius. James was just emphasising the unlikelihood of Dumbledore allowing students to do stage fighting with real weapons."
"Fair enough Moony, but I can still dream can't I?" Swish, Clang! Sirius continued to use his wand as a sword, using his flowerpot as his opponent. "Back you scoundrel!"
"Careful Padfoot," James warned. "You'll break something."
"MR BLACK!" McGonagall boomed. "What do you think you are doing!"
"I don't answer to that name anymore Professor."
"Excuse me!"
"It's Hildegard of Bingen this week Professor." He called from the back of the classroom. The other students started giggling and Lily rolled her eyes.
Remus sighed. "Hildegard of Bingen? Seems a silly sort of name to be calling yourself don't you think?"
"I'm in character," whispered Sirius. "Go along with it."
Sirius drew himself up into a grand stature. "That's Sir Hildegard of Bingen to you!"
"Alright Mr Hildegard." McGonagall was trying very hard to control her exasperation.
Sirius coughed, "Ehem! Sir Hildegard of Bingen! Get it right...nasty peasant!"
A rather large vein had begun violently protruding from Professor McGonagall's forehead. She glared as Sirius and was about to open her mouth when Sirius picked up his wand and began jousting at the flowerpot again.
"How dare…what are you doing?" McGonagall demanded.
Sirius ignored her. James stood up to tell him to stop making a spectacle of himself. Sirius, caught up in the excitement, sent the flowerpot flying, causing James to duck to avoid a collision. The flowerpot smashed against the back wall and pieces of ceramic flew in all directions. James was infuriated. He hated when Sirius took things too far resulting in all four of them being punished. James could usually overcome stupid matters like this but his frustration had built up as a result of the 'breaking a promise to Lily issue'.
Remus could sense James' frustration and sprang out of his seat, restraining James from lunging at Sirius.
"Calm down James. He just got carried away." Remus soothed.
"That's quite enough shenanigans from you for today, Hildegard. After class you can report to Mr Filch and you will spend your detention cleaning up the mess you have made of my classroom."
"Yes professor." Sirius bowed his head in mock shame, a smile creeping across his dirt-covered face.
"Class dismissed." She sighed.
"Thank-you!" James and Remus sighed.
Later that afternoon…
Lily decided to hold another emergency meeting that night. Sirius' overwhelming enthusiasm had somehow inspired her to rethink her disappointment at his absence the previous night. James, however, still had some work to do to redeem himself.
At dinner in the Great Hall, Lily passed a note down to Remus.
"What's that?" inquired Sirius through a mouthful of mashed potatoes and cabbage.
"Well, well." gleamed Remus, looking up at James and Sirius. "It seems like you lads just might have managed to redeem yourselves."
"What!" James exclaimed. "Who's it from?"
"It's signed, 'Your Director'. Sound familiar to either of you?"
Sirius waved his fork around in his hand. "It should read, 'The esteemed high and mighty bow-down-before-me Lily.'
"So what's the note say about me and Sirius?" James asked.
"Sirius and I," Remus corrected. "It reads…"
My talented actors,
I have been forced to rethink my
actions and am inviting you, again,
to a meeting of the D.C. to be held
this evening. Commencing at precisely
thirty minutes past eight.
Do not disappoint me again!
Your Director.
"Is there anything else?" James persisted.
Remus turned the note over. "Or feel my wrath!" he read.
"I fink widdle James was waiting for an 'I wuv you' at the end of the widdle note," teased Sirius, batting his eyelids.
"Shut up Potato-Head!" James retorted.
"Huh?"
James picked up the bowl of mashed potato and hurled it at Sirius.
At the meeting…
Lily paced up and down the podium. It was eight-fifteen. As she was going over the cast list she'd drawn up in study hall there was a knock at the door.
"Sorry, the meeting doesn't start for another fifteen minutes." she called out.
James opened the door a crack and peered around the gap.
"Sorry to bother you."
Lily was gob smacked. Seeing James arrive fifteen minutes early was something she rarely witnessed.
"Not at all. Come in. Everyone else should be arriving soon."
James slowly edged towards the podium.
"Listen Lily, I'm really sorry about breaking my promise. I did genuinely forget."
Lily began arranging chairs into a circle, placing a script on each one.
"Look James, all I ask is that you make a sincere commitment to the play. I can't afford any mishaps. It must be professional."
"I know." he said, "And I also know you'll make a damned good director!" he was pushing his luck here, but grovelling could make all the difference in being cast as either a piece of scenery or a knight.
Lily paused and looked up at him hopefully, "You really think so?"
Knock, knock, knock!
The other students had begun gathering outside.
"Come in!" Lily called out, winking at James.
He blushed and sat down.
Once everyone was seated, Lily began allocating roles.
"Okay. Now, I have chosen Remus Lupin to play the role of Merlin, as he is also a wise and gifted wizard."
Remus gushed, flattered by her comment.
"The role of King Arthur I have given to Michael Finnigan."
Michael jumped up out of his chair. "But I wasn't really goin' for a speaking role. I have a tendency to stutter on stage. Couldn't I be a rock or somethin'?"
Giggles started to move their way around the circle.
"All you have to do is stand on stage and look pretty." Lily explained.
He seemed satisfied with that and sat down.
Lily then proceeded down the list.
"Moonshine, Maple and Rosehorn, you are playing the milkmaids."
This achieved a few catcalls from the boys.
"Alright! Keep it in your pants! Captus, Bulthstrode and Ignatius, you are playing the nobles and the rest of you will either be animals, scenery or villagers."
"What about us?" Sirius piped up. "We were supposed to play the knights not farm animals! And I'm definitely not playing the back-end of a cow!"
"I nearly forgot. Thankyou for reminding me Sirius." she continued, "Black, Potter and Pettigrew, you are to play the Knights of the Round Table. Sirius, you will play Sir Lancelot, James will play Sir Gestion and Peter will play Sir Tifficate."
James nudged Sirius, "Sir Lancelot suits you well."
"Oh and why is that?"
Lily joined in, "because he spends hours grooming himself in front of the mirror…like someone else we know."
First Dress Rehearsal…
Lily sat in her 'Director's Chair' surrounded by discarded scripts and costumes.
"Okay. Now is everyone here? Can we begin please people?"
She began counting the cast members positioned on stage.
"Hang on."
James piped up, "Sir Lancelot is still in make-up."
Lily rolled her eyes, "Typical! He's probably standing in front of the mirror checking out what his bum looks like in tights. Oh well, we'll just start without him. Okay. Places everyone!"
Just then, Sirius strutted his way across the stage. Sporting a ribbed breast plate complete with a six-pack.
"Are we ready for my debut?" he remarked.
"You're late!" Lily glared.
He stood centre-stage and puffed his chest up like a rooster.
"I am never late. Everyone else is simply early."
"Whatever. Everyone, take your places." Lily took a swig of coffee. 'Sirius Black' she thought, 'you'll be the death of me.'
Scene Four 'The Knight's Song'
"Okay people. Scene four. Now I have asked the knights to prepare a short song…emphasis on short…for this particular scene. Now boys, is it completed?" Lily was having second thoughts about giving the boys free-reign over inventing a song for her 'dignified' play.
"Why yes fair maiden we completed it yester morn over tea and biscuits." replied Sirius.
'Oh here we go…' she muttered regrettably under her breath.
"Would you be so kind as to perform it for us now then?"
"With pleasure! Knights, fall in!"
James and Peter marched onto stage carrying lances. Sirius signalled to Remus to turn on the musical track they had prepared. "Remus, if you would be so kind."
They began marching on the spot in unison to the beat...and then, it began.
"We're Knights of the Round Table,
we dance when e're we're able.
We do routines, and border scenes,
with footwork imp-ecc-able;
We dine well here in Camelot,
we eat ham and jam and spam-a-lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
our shows are for-mid-able.
Though many times, we're given rhymes,
that are quite un-sing-able
We're not so bad in Camelot,
we sing from the Dia-phragm a lot!
Though we're tough and able,
quite in-de-fa-ti-gable.
Between our quests,
we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot:"
Wheeling a stroller on from the side of the stage appeared James with a baby Remus.
"I have to push the pram-a-lot!"
They finished kneeling with their arms outstretched. A roar of laughter and whistles arose from the wings. Amongst the noise, a single applause could be heard coming from the back of the auditorium. Lily turned in her chair. Standing at the door was Dumbledore slowly clapping the three knights whose faces had turned bright red under the spotlight.