(Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and so on and so forth. Critiques are welcome, flames will be laughed at.
For Caliko, because I actually did find time to write something, and see, it's longer this time!)
They say that the pain never really goes away, that sharp horrific agony of realization that your life is never really going to be the same will always be there, but that someday it will get easier. They promise that it's going to get easier. They swear that someday the pain is going to dull into a constant ache instead of a mind-numbing stabbing, they promise that someday it will get easier. They don't promise that you will ever really be okay; they won't promise that life is going to go back to normal, but they do promise that someday it isn't going to hurt just to breathe.
They lie.
Kakashi remembered the stabbing horrible pain when it happened, the pain in his new eye mixing with the pain of losing the greatest friend he hadn't even realized he had. Maybe the pains had been somehow connected, but the thought hadn't occurred to him at the time. He remembered how much it ached knowing that he lived only because someone else had died. It didn't help that that someone else happened to be his teammate. It didn't help that that someone else had given him the greatest gift and at the same time greatest curse he would ever receive. Everyone told him that he was going to be okay, told him to try and move on, but his sensei came closest to understanding. He told his pupil that the pain wasn't going to go away, but someday it might be easier. Kakashi was still waiting for easier.
Every time he opened that eye it was like the stabbing pain came back all over again, reminding him each time that he was alive only because of a gift. Never letting him forget that he could see out of that eye only because of a gift. So much for the pain getting easier, now he had a young boy in his charge that reminded him so much of himself it was frightening. There was so much potential for pain, and so much potential for joy, if only he knew how to express the fact that for all intents and purposes, the pain never really goes away.
The pain was unforgettable when his sensei died, dying to protect a village that was never going to be the same without him, at least not for his student who was still waiting for the pain to dull. The pain came back then, debilitating and full force, sucking everything out of him. It did hurt to breathe, it hurt a lot, and the pain wasn't getting better. Each time he saw peace and tranquility in a village that was getting back on its feet; he remembered the horrible sacrifice it had taken to attain that peace. And now he had the legacy of that sacrifice in his care, and it was hard to look at him and not see the pain. The boy understood pain, but he fought back, well good for him, maybe someday it would be easier for him like it was never easier for Kakashi.
Rin was gone, lost in the folds of time, leaving behind a gaping hole and the knowledge that maybe he could have done something. The pain for that wound cut deep, because she had lost just as much if not more than him that first day, and the second had been awful for her too, but she had been more okay that he had ever hoped to be. She had potential to let the pain be easier, but she was gone and he was here, dealing with more pain. Now he had a pink haired girl that was a lot like her, always mediating the fights between her impossible male companions, showing so much promise. He hoped that things worked out better for her, she didn't know real pain, not yet, but he knew better than most that it was unavoidable. He hoped that when it came she could be just as strong.
When he first saw them the pain had been blinding, he had watched their antics, seen their faults and their striking similarities to a team that had caused him so much pain once before. He knew how the story was going to end before it even began; it was going to hurt a lot, and none of them were ever going to be the same. He thought about turning them away, he wasn't sure how much pain he could handle all over again, because if history repeated itself then Naruto was going to die, Sakura was going to fade away, and Sasuke, Kakashi could feel the most for Sasuke. If history repeated itself, then Sasuke was going to be him, and Kakashi couldn't wish that fate on anyone.
But then he realized that despite the similarities, they were different. They had different potential, different lives to live, different opportunities for great pain and great joy. As much as it hurt to even think about the pain they could go through, he couldn't deny them the chance to have incredible joy as well.
Every second with them hurt, little things they did reminded him so sharply of what he had lost. He cursed the idea that the pain was going to get easier, it was harder every day. Sometimes he wondered if he did the wrong thing, if sending them back would have saved them a lot of grief, but then he would hear them fight and throw things and act just like his team had acted at the very best of their times, and he would remember that all the memories weren't bad.
So as he sent them off towards exams that were going to change their lives, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse, he wasn't sure about what his sensei said. The hurt had never really gone away, it still hurt when he breathed, and it probably always would, but then he remembered a flash of joy and for a moment it was more than okay. He remembered that his life was a gift and that you can't very well as throw something like that away. He remembered that this village owed everything to a man who had died so they all could live. He remembered that even though it hurts, it never hurts bad enough to give up. His new team had a lot of pain ahead, and Kakashi knew that it was never going to be okay, not even easier, but maybe someday they would look back and see that the pain was worth the joy and the lessons.
The pain isn't ever going to go away, and it's not going to get easier. It will hurt each time you breathe, a painfully persistent reminder that nothing is ever really going to be anywhere near okay. You don't have to be okay, you just have to live.