OMG, OMG, I'm In China!
Cao Cao's navy was at the bottom of the river. Shu and Wu had taken victory from the jaws of defeat, and, naturally, it was time for boredom to settle in.
Gan Ning stretched his back. He hadn't really moved in weeks since the Battle of Chi Bi. Ever since Zhou Yu set the Wei navy aflame, Wu's master strategist was merely in his quarters every day and every night, plotting how he'd take Jiang Ling from Kongming's palms. But because he was cautious, and paranoid, he couldn't figure out the best way to do so, thus stalling the entire Wu army and making their officers sit on their butts or wander around aimlessly.
So Gan Ning was here, lying down on the deck of a transport ship. He'd been ordered to watch over these vessels as they transported goods along the river, for pirates might steal them, but, heck, there were no pirates in sight, and they'd been moving up and down the river for the past week.
The pirate picked out the bits of food stuck between his teeth with his pinky nail, and sat up. God damn, he was bored. There was absolutely nothing to do.
But just when he began to stand, some thing tackled him to the ground.
"OMG!" He heard a squeal.
"Eh?" Gan Xingba grunted, but it was muffled because he was pinned to the floorboards.
"You're... You're Gan Ning, right?!" The high pitched voice squealed again. Gan Ning felt as though a large weight had been lifted off his back, so he got up. There, standing in front of him, was a young girl who looked about thirteen. She was wearing a rather skimpy outfit, considering that most women wore Qi-Paos that only allowed one to see their legs and, unfortunately, nothing else.
How would one describe her clothing? She was wearing something that looked like a bag with two handles that hung on her shoulders. (1.) Her arms and parts of her stomach were showing clear as day. He could even see her armpits! Only noblewomen would wear such clothing, so Gan Ning was quite surprised. After all, even with this seemingly erotic attire, this girl looked like a commoner.
The Admiral smiled. As a pirate, he'd been on many an adventure and courted several girls, but it had been a while since he'd actually talked to one. After all, the Lady Sun Shangxiang didn't really count as a girl. "So, darlin', what's your name?"
"EEEE!!!!" The girl squealed even louder this time. "My name's Priscilla Agatha Lucia, but you can call me Ai Ni!"
"Ai Ni?"
"Yes, Wo Ai Ni!" (2.)
"You do?"
"Yes! I want you to be my baby daddy!"
It took Gan Ning less than a second to answer: "Um... OK!"
And Gan Ning got laid that very day.
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Ten years later...
Zhuge Liang sat with his face in his hands, pondering over a little book in front of him. His wife, Yue Ying, had recently gone off on a mission to the north, to help engage enemy Wei units. It had been a while since he'd seen her, actually, for, like her husband, Yue Ying was a busy tactician.
Suddenly, a loud shout broke his concentration. "Squee!!!!!"
"Erm? Who goes there?" Kongming's eyes darted around his tent, but he couldn't see anyone, until a pair of arms came from behind and hugged him.
"You're Zhuo-Gay-Liaang, right?"
"Um, yes, I suppose I am."
"EEEEE!!!!!! I'm Daisy Thompson."
"That's a... Rather interesting name."
"Marry me!"
"Pardon?"
"Be my Baby Daddy!"
"Excuse me?..." Kongming began to feel very, very awkward.
"C'mon, I know you want it!"
Zhuge Liang shot up from his seat, but he couldn't pry the girl off of him. Suddenly, he felt himself spin around and a set of soft lips meet his own.
"I love you, Sleeping Dragon! Marry me!" A girl of sixteen looked deep into the strategist's eyes and kissed him again. Kongming was quick to break the kiss and stammered: "But I'm... I'm married!"
"But they said that, in China, men used to have many wives. Take me as your second!"
"I'm sorry... But I cannot accept..."
But before he could dump her, she silenced him with a kiss and forced her tongue into his mouth.
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Sima Yi was rather bored.
People were often praising his tactics, but he knew that he was far superior to every tactician in China, so these words of support were quite redundant.
As he sat about, feeling smug that he had recently taken out Gongsun Kang, a squeal broke his concentration and a young girl entered his room.
Sima Yi's hand darted to his knife fan. "Who are you?!" He demanded.
"OMG! OMG! You're Sima Yi! Hey, that rhymes!" The girl laughed.
Sima Yi looked at her strangely. "Very... Very well, please get out of this room... And drown yourself in a lake or something. Just leave."
The girl ran towards Sima Yi with her arms wide open, but Zhongda did a somersault and leapt back, to the very edge of the room. "Don't get near me, assassin! Guards!"
"But I love you!"
"That's what they all say."
"I really do... I'll be Sima Zhao's mother. Please, be my baby daddy!"
"Back, BACK you menace!"
"Please, take me in your arms! I love you!"
At that moment, the girl felt searing pain in her back. A lance had done her in.
As her body hit the floor, Sima Zhongda gingerly picked it up... And hurled it out the window of his den.
"Simpleton..." He muttered, shaking his head and getting back to his self adulation. The guard walked away, humming some tune he'd heard in the bar last night.
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And in Chengdu, when Yue Ying heard about her husband's new distraction, she packed her bags, took Zhuge Zhan, their infant son, with her and left the city, forever.
And Gan Ning became a father of a beautiful baby boy, and Priscilla Agatha Lucia, or Ai Ni, as she preferred to be called, married Gan Ning of the Bells while Daisy Thompson became the wife of Shu's Prime Minister, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Except for the fact that historians always wondered: Why did Zhuge Liang's wife have red hair?
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1. These are spaghetti straps, mind you.
2. Wo Ai Ni is Chinese for "I Love You."