I'm new to fanfic, hopefully you like this, but please review so I can improve!
Disclaimer: I am NOT Joss. Thank god. These people are not mine, they are his, I just like to talk about them all the time.
Season Seven, Ep. 2 "Beneath You"
teaser:
Spike is wearing a straightjacket and wandering around his "new pad'" under the high school, which is made up of the magic box set AND the blown up parts of Spike's old crypt, to create a very dark, disgusting place, for a dark, disgusting creature like Spike!
SPIKE: I'm SO insane! This soul, and the chip! ARGH! And what's worse, I'm still in love with Buffy!
Enter Clem for no apparent reason.
CLEM: I thought you got the soul for Buffy BECAUSE you love her.
SPIKE: (Annoyed that Clem doesn't just accept his *logic*) Well, yeah. But you're missin' the bleeding sodding INSANE point! I'm still in love with the SLAY-ah!
CLEM: (Sarcastically) Oh no. Not again. I thought you'd be over that by now.
SPIKE: Clem! I've been driven insane by that bloody bint! And now I can only speak in british curse words! What has she done to me?!?!
CLEM: Well, I don't really know. I saw something like this in the Wedding Plan-
SPIKE: Sod off! You're not helping.
CLEM: Well, maybe I could help if you tell me what started all this in a flashback.
Spike thinks on this. A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on, and flowers begin blossoming in his dark, eeevil crypt.
SPIKE: It all started when...
CUT TO: William and Cecily
WILLIAM: I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. I love you! I'd go to unhealthy extremes to be with anyone that I loved, but if the audience likes us together too much, I will have to rape you. (BIG SMILE)
CECILY: William, YOU'RE BENEATH M-
Enter Buffy and Xander.
XANDER: NO! This is my episode, go away you evil soulless thing!
BUFFY: Spike---look, I am trying really hard to be sympathetic with you, if I'm not, everyone will really hate me no matter how many gardens I walk through! But this is TOO MUCH! You are taking away from the Xander episo-
SPIKE: (Screams like a small child) Buffy! Stay away from me, I'm Beneath Y0---
BUFFY: Where are Nancy, Ronnie, Carlos, and Kit??? We need to get this storyline going, without these new and useless characters, there will be nothing to---
SPIKE: Buffy, I have something to tell you, I went to Africa to get---
BUFFY: --talk about! It's going to be so boring-y without Dawn's new friends! Xander! Do something! (She begins to weep)
XANDER: Buffy, I remember the first day of sophomore year, you broke the purple crayon. And I still wanted to sleep with you. In fact, I still do!
BUFFY: Xander, I've missed these good talks. Maybe when Willow comes back we can all get together and pretend that we're still 10th graders who have never done anything wrong.
XANDER: And I'm rich now...so here's a blank check!
BUFFY: Thank you Xander, this completely erases the fact that you tried to kill my
ex-boyfriend last year, and all those times you said I was disgusting for sleeping with him!
SPIKE: You know, I really don't understand this.
BUFFY: Spike, life is hard. But you have to move on...even Dawn hates you now. You'd have to do something pretty drastic-y to change our minds. Anyways, don't be so SELFISH! It isn't All!About!Spike you know!
SPIKE: Well, I just assumed, Doug is writing this one and he wrote the other one about me being beneath people and now that I've-
XANDER: Can I kill him yet?
BUFFY: NO!...Not that I care, but NO!
SPIKE: For continuity reasons it's ridiculous to think Doug would write this episode about anything but me. If it isn't about me...what the hell am I supposed to do in this episode, they need me to look sexy!
Buffy thinks for a moment, then returns with a basket full of eggs and a doctor's lab coat.
BUFFY: Mr. Petrie would like you to hold these and look eeeeeeeeevil.
SPIKE: Huh?
BUFFY, XANDER, DAWN, KIT, CARLOS, NANCY, RONNIE: Do not question the great Mutant Enemy!
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What is going on?
DAWN: I HATE YOU!...We're creating a new story arc!
SPIKE: What about all the old story arcs??
BUFFY: Those don't matter, what's important is that everyone loves Dawn.
SPIKE: I DO love Dawn.
DAWN: Well I HATE you!
SPIKE: Great. So, who is going to take care of you when Big Sis ignores you again after the three episodes where she'll talk about you nonstop to convince viewers that Buffy isn't such a bad gal after all?
DAWN: Xander and his piles 'o money can save me.
Spike turns away, still in straightjacket.
SPIKE: Screw the soul, these people are driving me insane.
Spike throws himself into the nearest gutter. All but Buffy exit the scene.
BUFFY: Spike, you're wasting valuable time by being so insane, we're losing viewers by the minute.
SPIKE: groans
BUFFY: Look, for what it's worth, I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I think there is something on your mind, and I would understand it if you didn't tell me...I'd probably just laugh at you anyways...
SPIKE: I've been trying to tell you-
BUFFY: But I realllly like your new hair. And you don't look so bad without the jacket. So don't feel too terrible that I am hiding your symbolic coat in my closet and sleeping with it, even though you are eeeeeeeeevil and I hate you.
SPIKE: If you bloody hate me so much, why did you: keep my lighter in your pocket, come to me when you were "free" and invisible, say that "you always hurt the ones you love", sleep with the grass stained jacket, only break up with me after we had slept together in a normal and romantic way for the first time, look like you DID in fact cry when we broke up in Normal Again, say you were jealous in Hell's Bells, get mad at me for sleeping with Anya, still want to let me take care of Dawn, and Ask when I would be coming home?
BUFFY: All of my important memories with you were erased by Marti Noxon. I have to go now and hang out at the high school, the kids there need my therapy!
Buffy exits.
SPIKE: We should order some more straitjackets for the set...
end scene
TBC