Virus Alert! A stupid oneshot by pieandchips
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any characters or the overall concept of this story. They belong to Nintendo and Weird Al. It would be cool if I did though…
Anyway… on to the stupid oneshot type story
It was half past seven in the confines of the Great Fox that was currently in orbit around Zoness. After the huge wreck the Star Wolf team had caused the previous week, the team was still fixing the place. "Why the hell are we doing this?" asked Falco as he tried to carry in a giant TV. The TV started to slip, crashed to the floor and broke. "Clean that up Falco" said Fox, sitting behind a desk, drinking coffee. "And… here's another question, WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONLY ONE DOING IT?!" Falco shouted as he grabbed a broom and started sweeping. "Because Krystal is currently doing something, Slippy is off at his parents' house and since he's gone, R.O.B. is in for repairs" replied Fox as continued to sip his coffee.
"Then why couldn't I WAIT until they got back?"
"Because I said so…" answered Fox as he finished his coffee. "Get me some more coffee, will ya?"
Falco dropped the broom and walked over to Fox's desk. He yanked Fox mug from his furry hands. Falco walked down to the kitchen deck. He poured more coffee, along with some cream and sugar, into the cup, and then spat in it. Falco chuckled to himself, but a small taser rose from the floor and zapped him. "I SAW THAT!" said Fox over an intercom. A camera was in the corner of the kitchen's ceiling, and Fox had the monitors in his room. "Pour it out and get me another, this time WITHOUT the cream, I like my coffee with saliva and sugar, Falco!" Falco complied and poured out the bad coffee and poured in new coffee. He put in sugar, spat in it, and started back up the three flights of stairs. "Wow…" muttered Fox "This book 'Being a Better (albeit Slave-driving) Leader' works like a charm!" he said as he continued to read
Falco put the mug on Fox's desk. "Anything else my liege?" he asked sarcastically. "That will be all, now get back to that TV, will ya?" Falco picked up the broom and started sweeping again. There was a loud beating on the door. "OPEN UP! VENOMIAN ARMY!" shouted a voice from behind the door. "Go away you fucking assholes!" Falco cried back "We were just sacked by Star Wolf last week, we don't need your shit!" The door was immediately broken down at that comment. Out of the dust was just R.O.B. using his new voice modifier that he got when he was in for repairs. "Hello all" he said in his normal synthesized voice. He grabbed a can of oil and sat on the new couch. "What have you been up to?" he asked drinking. "How come he doesn't have to work?!" asked Falco, throwing the broken glass in a trash can. "Because I'm off to check on the ship's autopilot" said R.O.B. as he threw the oil can on the floor and walked toward the bridge of the Great Fox.
Up in the bridge, where R.O.B. now was, he walked toward the autopilot. It was secretly installed the day before by R.O.B. and it was something that he personally loved. "Hello, Robotic Operating Buddy" it (or she) said in a sexy robotic voice. "So baby," replied R.O.B. "Tonight, is it my place, or you?" he asked. "How about me?" she said. "Then that's how it will be" said R.O.B., making a gesture like pulling down his pants, if he had any. Soon after, there was the sound of metallic clanging and robotic sirens going off. "What the hell is that?" asked Fox "Go check it out, Falco" he ordered as he went back to his book. "I'd rather not…" said Falco. "What's going on?" asked Krystal, who had been in her room the entire time. "I think R.O.B.'s doing the nasty dance or something" answered Falco, walking over to get another TV. He bent his knees and started to lift the big plasma screen. "Nasty dance?" wondered Krystal. Fox leaned over and whispered the explanation to her. "Oh! Oh…" she said. "Okay, honestly Fox, give me a-damn this is heavy-hand" said Falco. "Fine" said Fox as he grabbed an end of the TV. They both lifted it up and placed it on the wall.
Falco started wiring in the cables, when the power on the ship went off, causing a spark to occur and blew Falco backwards on to the floor. Robotic sirens still went off, along with the metallic clanging. "Gross…" muttered Fox as he walked over to another side of the room and flipped a switch to activate the backup power. Falco got back up and fully wired in the wires and stuff, then he walked over to the door of the bridge and started yelling, "WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF?!". The noises stopped and R.O.B. stepped out of the bridge to Falco, who had a rather disgusted look on his face. "I hope you at least put up your firewall" he said as R.O.B. walked out. "That… was… so… awesome" said R.O.B. as he made his way down to main part of the Great Fox. "Since when are robots able to have… umm…" paused Fox, looking for a better word "ahem… 'Relations'?" he asked. "What are-" began Krystal. "Same thing" Fox interrupted.
The Next Day…
"Hello all!" Slippy greeted as he entered the Great Fox after returning from his parents' house. "Hey, Slippy!" said Falco watching the new TV with Fox and Krystal. "Hello, Slippy" said Krystal. "Hi, Slippy said Fox. "Um… Slippy?" asked R.O.B., walking up to Slippy. "Could I see you for one second?"
"Sure…"
"In the infirmary…" continued R.O.B.
"Um… okay…" said Slippy.
"What is it?" Slippy asked R.O.B. as they entered the infirmary. "Could you test me?"
"Why?"
"I think I might have a virus"
"How could you have a virus?!" asked Slippy rather loudly.
"Shh… They don't know yet" R.O.B. replied "Just test me…"
"Get on the table" Slippy said. R.O.B. complied and hopped up. Slippy opened R.O.B.'s access panel, copied and saved a bit of information on to several USB's. "Okay," said Slippy as he took the USB's into his room. "I'll give you the results in the morning."
"Okay" said R.O.B., leaving in a nervous sweat.
That night, Slippy plugged the USB's into his computer and started analyzing the data stored on them. After a bunch of information was displayed… "What the?" Slippy printed out the results
The NEXT Next Day
"I'd like to see R.O.B." said Slippy, poking his head through the infirmary door. R.O.B. got up and walked to the infirmary. "Wonder what it's for…" commented Falco. Suddenly the TV automatically changed the channel to and started recording a very bad movie. "Hey!" shouted Fox.
"How am I doing, Slippy?" asked R.O.B., expecting the worst. "Well…" Slippy began. "I was about to print, when the results were suddenly translated. I eventually did print them but…" Slippy handed R.O.B. the results, which read.
Mfumo Kosa
Ugonjwa Mno Ndiyo
"I ran that through a translator" Slippy said "It's Swahili, that's not a good sign"
"Oh dear" R.O.B. muttered
"Yeah… Just leave now"
R.O.B walked out into where Fox, Falco and Krystal were. The TV was playing (and recording) the movie "Gigli", which was a very bad movie, and a very bad sign. "The remote's not doin' anything!" said Falco. Falco got up and started pressing the buttons on the TV to change the channel. Nothing. He started beating on it, instead of changing; it just unhinged and fell on top of him. "OOF!!" Fox and Krystal got off of the couch and walked over toward R.O.B.
"What's wrong?" asked Krystal. Instead of answering Krystal, R.O.B. grabbed Fox and brought him into the infirmary. "What the hell?!" shouted Fox as he was thrown down on the table. "What are ya doing?!" cried out Slippy. R.O.B. shoved Slippy out and next to Krystal. R.O.B. locked the door, picked up a scalpel and aimed for Fox's crotch. Fox rolled off of the table and leaped to the other side of the room, but the scalpel did cut his leg. "What the fuck are you doing, R.O.B.?!" Fox yelled as he backed into the corner, clutching his bleeding leg. R.O.B. quickly advanced toward Fox and brought it down at Fox's crotch again. Fox grabbed R.O.B.'s hand, but got cut in the process. He kicked R.O.B. in the chest area and ran for the door. Fox unlocked the door and quickly ran. "Run!" he commanded. Slippy and Krystal followed. R.O.B. chased after them. Meanwhile, Falco was still under the TV. "Um… hello? A little help here!"
"Slippy! Look up the cure!" ordered Fox. Slippy started typing on a computer near the main room. "The screen's frozen!"
"Dammit! Keep running!"
"Try that one!" suggested Krystal. Slippy started typing on another computer. "The hard drive has been erased…" said Slippy, rather calmly.
The paint on the walls was starting to chip off as R.O.B. made his way to the others. "Let's get out of here!" yelled Fox as he, Slippy and Krystal dove into the Laundry Room and locked the door. Various pieces of laundry started clinging to their clothes. "Oh… that's not good…" Apparently, R.O.B. was right outside the door. "Open up!" he shouted. "Quick! Does anyone have a blaster?" whispered Fox. Slippy and Krystal shook their heads. "Damn…"
"OPEN UP!!"
"Who could have done this anyway?" asked Krystal
Meanwhile…
Star Wolf was sitting in the Sargasso Space Zone. They were all laughing and drinking at a poker table. "That was the best idea ever, Leon!" said Wolf as he and Panther drank. "I didn't know that planting a virus in that new autopilot system would have worked!" said Leon. "It was Panther's idea to sell it to their robot!" Panther started laughing again. "I didn't know that the robot was such a moron, one sexy voice and HA!" said Panther. They continued to laugh in unison until they passed out drunk.
Back with Star Fox
"Well, whoever it was, they're total douchebags" said Fox. R.O.B. knocked down the door and brandished his scalpel. Slippy ran out "AAH!!". Krystal got up and ran, too, but just then R.O.B. snapped around and gave her a hickey. "Ah!" she winced as she continued to run while grabbing her neck. "Now that's just wrong" said Fox as he knocked R.O.B. over and kept running. Slippy grabbed his laptop and started typing on it. "What the-?" he wondered as the keys barely went down. "Whoa, I didn't know Fox invested so much into EuroDisney!" Slippy said as Fox grabbed him and started dragging him behind. "Call the army!" said Krystal. Fox pulled out his phone and hit in the number, but the line was tied up by the virus. The guy on the other end was speaking some weird language. Slippy got out of Fox's grip and started running, too. R.O.B. ran made his way behind Slippy and grabbed his underwear. "OW! OW! OWWW!! OWIE OW OW!!" Slippy winced as R.O.B. held him in the air. R.O.B. dropped Slippy and kept moving. Fox and Krystal came to a dead end at the Great Fox's pool. "We have to swim it!" said Fox. His phone fell out of hand and into the pool. It dissolved almost instantly. "Ah!" said Krystal as R.O.B. came up. "The pH values in the pool are messed up!" said Fox. "But, we either lose our bodies or our faces!"
"How do you know that?" asked Krystal
"I don't know, but what I do know is that he's trying to neuter me!" R.O.B. threw the scalpel at Fox's crotch, but he rolled out of the way, and the scalpel dissolved in the pool. "This is so fucked up!" said Fox, bracing himself for death. Then suddenly...
BZZZZT!!
R.O.B. fizzled and hit the floor. "It's just been revoked!" said Slippy as he held up the taser he used to defeat R.O.B. He still had that permanent wedgie though, and he was still in great pain. "No… Slippy… no… I'm not going to dignify that comment with a Family Guy reference…" said Fox. "Listen," began Krystal "We need to get down to a planet and a hospital on it. Corneria's not that far. Let's go" she finished. The group headed up to the bridge and activated the autopilot. "Wait…" said Fox. He took a wrench from Slippy's toolbox and destroyed the autopilot. "It's the source of all this madness! R.O.B. got the virus from this stupid thing!" he continued. "Slippy, you can pilot this thing, right?" asked Fox. Slippy nodded. "Let's go" Fox said as the ship flew off into the distance.
Fox got his hand and leg stitched up and didn't get an infection due to having it open so long. Krystal didn't really have any lasting damage. After many hours of long and painful surgery, Slippy finally got his permanent wedgie undone. And what happened to Falco you ask? (Probably not… but I'm telling you anyway!) Well… Falco was still under the TV that fell on him. "Hello? Is anybody out there?" he moaned "I'm getting hungry!)
END!!
A/N: Sorry the ending seems so rushed, I wanted to get this up as soon as possible.