Disclaimer- unfortunately J.K. Rowling does not write fan fiction on her
own books, in case you weren't sure. So, this is obviously not her ^_^
James pushed his ebony locks out of his face debonairly, before whipping around in his seat to see if the love of his life, Lily Potter, had noticed. She hadn't. As usual, she was studiously copying down notes, sensual auburn hair brushing the edges of the parchment, and long, slender white fingers gripping the quill in her right hand. Her elongated, sexy legs were tucked under her chair, and- "James!" A loud voice rang in his ear. James started, and whipped around. Professor Gremlin stood over him, her piggish eyes boring into his head. She was the Professor of Potions, and was all in all a rather unremarkable woman to look at, other than the large mole that had planted itself high on her right cheek. "Yes Professor?" "For the fifth time, what can we use basil for?" She demanded in her deep, almost manly voice. "Er..." Basil was green. Like the color of Lily's eyes, her beautiful eyes... "It uh, can make scorpions." "How?" It was a command rather than question. "Um... if you place three leaves under a clay pot, a scorpion will appear in the pot on the fifth day." With a slightly mollified look, Professor Gremlin nodded, and walked, or rather waddled, over to her next victim. "Tell me, what can we use lemons for?" She asked Patty Finch, another Gryffindor seventh year. Lemons... Lily liked lemon drops... James was very jealous of those little candies... "James!" Professor Gremlin roared. Her face was turning purple, and her blue eyes were fairly rocketing out of their sockets. "Yes?" He replied innocently, with an "I'm-so-innocent" look. "I'm all-to-aware that males have hardly any control over their mind, but do us all a favor and try to pay attention during class." "Of course, Professor," James replied, resisting the urge to get a glimpse of the beauteous Lily's reaction. "I expect more from my seventh years you know." "Of course, Professor." "And as head boy you're supposed to set a particularly fine example." "Yup." Professor Gremlin glared. "Yes Professor," James quickly amended himself. "I hope you will act in the way your position requires, James, from now on. Take an example from our head girl in the future." "I would be happy to follow the head girl," James said dreamily. "Good." And as soon as the hulking mass had turned towards the other side of the room, James whipped around in his seat once again, and spent the rest of the period marveling over the exquisiteness of Lily's knees. The sun glittered over the lake (like the sparkles in Lily's emerald eyes), and just about the entire student body was outside, enjoying the spring day. School, apparently had been forgotten, for not a single book was in sight. Instead, students splashed around in the lake (something James found highly juvenile- Lily would never do that), others played exploding snap, and the rest were sprawled across the grass, like James and his fellow marauders.
"Beautiful day," remarked Remus.
"Not as beautiful as-"
"Shut up Prongs," Sirius quickly interjected.
James cast his friend a very dark look, before ruffling his hair as if to console himself. And then, he turned back towards the other students in search of the beautiful redhead. He saw brunettes, blondes, random color haired people, but no stunning red head. In desperation he gave a moan of despair, but then, his eyes alighted on the angelic form he so desired to see. And everything after that was in slow motion.
Lily waved her hand, and smiled.
James nearly peed in his pants.
She swished her hair around, leaving the whole Charlie's Angels thing behind in the dust.
James felt himself going faint.
And then, she began to walk towards him, James.
"Oh my God!" James heard himself exclaim.
Remus glanced over the top of book, rolled his eyes, and quickly returned to his reading. Peter, unsure of what to do busied himself with a toadstool, but Sirius didn't bother to hide his fascination, and he watched the unfolding scene with thinly masked delight.
"James," Said Lily with one of her heavenly smiles.
James tried to say hello, but found he couldn't speak, "Hef...." He finally managed.
"'Hef?'" Lily repeated with a delicately raised eyebrow. "That the new *cool* way to say hello or something in that pathetic world of yours?"
James's fantasies immediately evaporated at the cold tone that came out of Lily's luscious mouth. And in that very moment he knew how Adam and Eve felt when they were to be kicked out of paradise forever. "Eh??" He asked.
Lily rolled her eyes, "Honestly, I don't see how you got to be head boy. You are the most arrogant, disillusioned, pathetic, and..." she trailed off, searching for more adjectives.
"Morbid? Despicable?" Suggested Sirius.
"Contemptible? Supercilious? Abortive?" Suggested Remus.
"Those are big words!" Exclaimed Peter.
James's jaw dropped. In complete astonishment, he turned to face his "friends," and was quite discerned to see that Sirius was grinning broadly, Remus was feverishly looking up new words in his pocket thesaurus, and Peter was, as usual, looking puzzled.
"Aw, was James's little ego crushed?" Lily simpered.
Even in this moment of extreme injustice, James couldn't help but notice how adorable Lily looked when she was upset.
"But anyways," Said Lily coolly, "I just came over to tell you how stupid I thought you were in potions. I mean, focus is, apparently, impossible for you to do- I mean, you looked like you were dreaming of flying pigs or something all class." And with that, the saintly Lily Evans stormed away, leaving James quite dumfounded.
"Women," Sirius said knowledgably, "They're tough Prongs." He slapped James hard on the back as thought to reassure him, but he had been working out lately and James lost his breath.
Remus glanced up from his book, "A woman moved is like a fountain troubled, Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty; And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it."
"It's called English," Sirius informed him.
"Wow..." Peter breathed.
"The wonders of Shakespeare," Remus said dreamily.
"Whatever!" James snapped.
Remus looked like he had been slapped. "Haven't you ever read his play, the Taming of the Shrew?"
"Muggle stuff!" James moaned. "Like I don't have anything better to do than read ancient junk like that?"
Remus choked, but apparently he realized he was fighting a losing battle, for he returned to his reading without further comment.
"Snap out of it Prongs. It's not like she said she hated you or anything..."
James shook his head slowly and looked up. "No..." He whispered, a tear forming in his eye. "But she thought I was thinking of flying pigs in Potions!"
"How about I blow her up- Yeah! I know just the trick!" Sirius exclaimed. With an agonized cry, James squeezed his eyes shut, and clapped his hands over his ears. "No no! He cried. "The images of her lying on the ground bleeding!" Sirius grinned dreamily, as though visualizing the scene. "Wouldn't that be cool?" James shrieked incoherently in reply.
"Fine, I'll blow up another girl sometime," Said Sirius dejectedly.
This was too much for Remus, and he deliberately closed his book, and cleared his throat. "For shame!" He cried. "Thou helding of a devilish spirit, Why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee? When did she cross thee with a bitter word?"
Promptly, Sirius set off a series of fire darts in Remus's direction, and grinned at the agonized howls ("Agony! Agony!") That resulted. "Anyways," He said loudly. "Maybe you just have a headache, and I have the perfect stuff for you."He fished out a tiny parcel from his pocket, and pulled out a bright purple drop.
"Yeah," Said James dazedly. "Maybe that's what's wrong." He popped the drop into his mouth, and sucked on it thoughtfully. "You know, I feel worse than I did before," he mused aloud.
Sirius's eyes lit up, "Oops- I think I gave you the Bungling Belly Beans I got from Zonkos the other day. My bad."
James choked, his eyes narrowed, and he quickly spat out the Belly bean. But they had done their magic, and he spent the rest of the afternoon in convulsions, owing it to unrequited love.
It was very late when James returned from the hospital wing; tongue still stinging from the bitter drought Madame Pomfrey had forced him to take. He was gratified to see that the common room was empty... although that gratification immediately evaporated when he noticed his three fellow marauders sitting by the fire.
"Prongs!" Peter exclaimed, beaming from ear to ear.
"Compliments, Mr. Potter," Said Remus. "I am most elated to see you have recovered from that ghastly, and entirelyavertable (if you don't mind my saying) accident."
"Yo," Sirius said.
"Mmmf," Said James.
"Yeah... So, feeling better?" Sirius asked.
"No," James replied acidly.
"What'd Pomfrey say?"
"Nothing."
"Want to go down to Hogsmeade?"
"No."
"Want to blow something up?"
"No."
Here Remus looked up and gave James the rarer- than-gold look of approval.
"Want to go into the forbidden forest?"
"No."
"Er... Want to play exploding snap?"
"No."
"Want to sneak into Lily's room?"
"OK!" James exclaimed, with a smile that rivaled even Peter's for size.
"Reprehensible!" Remus exclaimed. "How would you feel inside, in the depths of your diminutive souls, if you awoke to find your retreat invaded, and yourself mocked in the most uncouth comportment?"
"Like I had died and gone into heaven!" James said without hesitation.
Remus gave a wolfish snarl of disdain and returned to the Daily Prophet.
"Can I come to?" Peter asked, rising from his seat.
"Nope, if the girls wake up we want them to think it's a dream, not a nightmare," Said Sirius with a characteristic smirk.
Peter burst into tears as the two boys quickly exited.
Through much trial and error, Sirius and James had learned the deadly secret of the girl's staircase: it turned into a slide when any male stepped on it. But to a marauder, this was no real set back, especially to a marauder with a mission. And through careful scrutiny of the common room, a secret passageway leading to the girl's dormitories was found behind the tapestry of Lorric the Loser, one of Godric Gryffindor's old friends. So, with a conspiratorial look about them, and several not-so-manly giggles, the boys quickly pushed aside the moth-eaten tapestry and entered the passageway. It was so cold inside, that Sirius had convinced himself that he could see his breath in front of him, though there was no light. But James was not cold. He had a heart full of love to keep him toasty- and a body so lusty he would never be cold again! He gave Sirius a superior grin, not that it was noticed. To Lily's chamber they went!
James pushed his ebony locks out of his face debonairly, before whipping around in his seat to see if the love of his life, Lily Potter, had noticed. She hadn't. As usual, she was studiously copying down notes, sensual auburn hair brushing the edges of the parchment, and long, slender white fingers gripping the quill in her right hand. Her elongated, sexy legs were tucked under her chair, and- "James!" A loud voice rang in his ear. James started, and whipped around. Professor Gremlin stood over him, her piggish eyes boring into his head. She was the Professor of Potions, and was all in all a rather unremarkable woman to look at, other than the large mole that had planted itself high on her right cheek. "Yes Professor?" "For the fifth time, what can we use basil for?" She demanded in her deep, almost manly voice. "Er..." Basil was green. Like the color of Lily's eyes, her beautiful eyes... "It uh, can make scorpions." "How?" It was a command rather than question. "Um... if you place three leaves under a clay pot, a scorpion will appear in the pot on the fifth day." With a slightly mollified look, Professor Gremlin nodded, and walked, or rather waddled, over to her next victim. "Tell me, what can we use lemons for?" She asked Patty Finch, another Gryffindor seventh year. Lemons... Lily liked lemon drops... James was very jealous of those little candies... "James!" Professor Gremlin roared. Her face was turning purple, and her blue eyes were fairly rocketing out of their sockets. "Yes?" He replied innocently, with an "I'm-so-innocent" look. "I'm all-to-aware that males have hardly any control over their mind, but do us all a favor and try to pay attention during class." "Of course, Professor," James replied, resisting the urge to get a glimpse of the beauteous Lily's reaction. "I expect more from my seventh years you know." "Of course, Professor." "And as head boy you're supposed to set a particularly fine example." "Yup." Professor Gremlin glared. "Yes Professor," James quickly amended himself. "I hope you will act in the way your position requires, James, from now on. Take an example from our head girl in the future." "I would be happy to follow the head girl," James said dreamily. "Good." And as soon as the hulking mass had turned towards the other side of the room, James whipped around in his seat once again, and spent the rest of the period marveling over the exquisiteness of Lily's knees. The sun glittered over the lake (like the sparkles in Lily's emerald eyes), and just about the entire student body was outside, enjoying the spring day. School, apparently had been forgotten, for not a single book was in sight. Instead, students splashed around in the lake (something James found highly juvenile- Lily would never do that), others played exploding snap, and the rest were sprawled across the grass, like James and his fellow marauders.
"Beautiful day," remarked Remus.
"Not as beautiful as-"
"Shut up Prongs," Sirius quickly interjected.
James cast his friend a very dark look, before ruffling his hair as if to console himself. And then, he turned back towards the other students in search of the beautiful redhead. He saw brunettes, blondes, random color haired people, but no stunning red head. In desperation he gave a moan of despair, but then, his eyes alighted on the angelic form he so desired to see. And everything after that was in slow motion.
Lily waved her hand, and smiled.
James nearly peed in his pants.
She swished her hair around, leaving the whole Charlie's Angels thing behind in the dust.
James felt himself going faint.
And then, she began to walk towards him, James.
"Oh my God!" James heard himself exclaim.
Remus glanced over the top of book, rolled his eyes, and quickly returned to his reading. Peter, unsure of what to do busied himself with a toadstool, but Sirius didn't bother to hide his fascination, and he watched the unfolding scene with thinly masked delight.
"James," Said Lily with one of her heavenly smiles.
James tried to say hello, but found he couldn't speak, "Hef...." He finally managed.
"'Hef?'" Lily repeated with a delicately raised eyebrow. "That the new *cool* way to say hello or something in that pathetic world of yours?"
James's fantasies immediately evaporated at the cold tone that came out of Lily's luscious mouth. And in that very moment he knew how Adam and Eve felt when they were to be kicked out of paradise forever. "Eh??" He asked.
Lily rolled her eyes, "Honestly, I don't see how you got to be head boy. You are the most arrogant, disillusioned, pathetic, and..." she trailed off, searching for more adjectives.
"Morbid? Despicable?" Suggested Sirius.
"Contemptible? Supercilious? Abortive?" Suggested Remus.
"Those are big words!" Exclaimed Peter.
James's jaw dropped. In complete astonishment, he turned to face his "friends," and was quite discerned to see that Sirius was grinning broadly, Remus was feverishly looking up new words in his pocket thesaurus, and Peter was, as usual, looking puzzled.
"Aw, was James's little ego crushed?" Lily simpered.
Even in this moment of extreme injustice, James couldn't help but notice how adorable Lily looked when she was upset.
"But anyways," Said Lily coolly, "I just came over to tell you how stupid I thought you were in potions. I mean, focus is, apparently, impossible for you to do- I mean, you looked like you were dreaming of flying pigs or something all class." And with that, the saintly Lily Evans stormed away, leaving James quite dumfounded.
"Women," Sirius said knowledgably, "They're tough Prongs." He slapped James hard on the back as thought to reassure him, but he had been working out lately and James lost his breath.
Remus glanced up from his book, "A woman moved is like a fountain troubled, Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty; And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it."
"It's called English," Sirius informed him.
"Wow..." Peter breathed.
"The wonders of Shakespeare," Remus said dreamily.
"Whatever!" James snapped.
Remus looked like he had been slapped. "Haven't you ever read his play, the Taming of the Shrew?"
"Muggle stuff!" James moaned. "Like I don't have anything better to do than read ancient junk like that?"
Remus choked, but apparently he realized he was fighting a losing battle, for he returned to his reading without further comment.
"Snap out of it Prongs. It's not like she said she hated you or anything..."
James shook his head slowly and looked up. "No..." He whispered, a tear forming in his eye. "But she thought I was thinking of flying pigs in Potions!"
"How about I blow her up- Yeah! I know just the trick!" Sirius exclaimed. With an agonized cry, James squeezed his eyes shut, and clapped his hands over his ears. "No no! He cried. "The images of her lying on the ground bleeding!" Sirius grinned dreamily, as though visualizing the scene. "Wouldn't that be cool?" James shrieked incoherently in reply.
"Fine, I'll blow up another girl sometime," Said Sirius dejectedly.
This was too much for Remus, and he deliberately closed his book, and cleared his throat. "For shame!" He cried. "Thou helding of a devilish spirit, Why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee? When did she cross thee with a bitter word?"
Promptly, Sirius set off a series of fire darts in Remus's direction, and grinned at the agonized howls ("Agony! Agony!") That resulted. "Anyways," He said loudly. "Maybe you just have a headache, and I have the perfect stuff for you."He fished out a tiny parcel from his pocket, and pulled out a bright purple drop.
"Yeah," Said James dazedly. "Maybe that's what's wrong." He popped the drop into his mouth, and sucked on it thoughtfully. "You know, I feel worse than I did before," he mused aloud.
Sirius's eyes lit up, "Oops- I think I gave you the Bungling Belly Beans I got from Zonkos the other day. My bad."
James choked, his eyes narrowed, and he quickly spat out the Belly bean. But they had done their magic, and he spent the rest of the afternoon in convulsions, owing it to unrequited love.
It was very late when James returned from the hospital wing; tongue still stinging from the bitter drought Madame Pomfrey had forced him to take. He was gratified to see that the common room was empty... although that gratification immediately evaporated when he noticed his three fellow marauders sitting by the fire.
"Prongs!" Peter exclaimed, beaming from ear to ear.
"Compliments, Mr. Potter," Said Remus. "I am most elated to see you have recovered from that ghastly, and entirelyavertable (if you don't mind my saying) accident."
"Yo," Sirius said.
"Mmmf," Said James.
"Yeah... So, feeling better?" Sirius asked.
"No," James replied acidly.
"What'd Pomfrey say?"
"Nothing."
"Want to go down to Hogsmeade?"
"No."
"Want to blow something up?"
"No."
Here Remus looked up and gave James the rarer- than-gold look of approval.
"Want to go into the forbidden forest?"
"No."
"Er... Want to play exploding snap?"
"No."
"Want to sneak into Lily's room?"
"OK!" James exclaimed, with a smile that rivaled even Peter's for size.
"Reprehensible!" Remus exclaimed. "How would you feel inside, in the depths of your diminutive souls, if you awoke to find your retreat invaded, and yourself mocked in the most uncouth comportment?"
"Like I had died and gone into heaven!" James said without hesitation.
Remus gave a wolfish snarl of disdain and returned to the Daily Prophet.
"Can I come to?" Peter asked, rising from his seat.
"Nope, if the girls wake up we want them to think it's a dream, not a nightmare," Said Sirius with a characteristic smirk.
Peter burst into tears as the two boys quickly exited.
Through much trial and error, Sirius and James had learned the deadly secret of the girl's staircase: it turned into a slide when any male stepped on it. But to a marauder, this was no real set back, especially to a marauder with a mission. And through careful scrutiny of the common room, a secret passageway leading to the girl's dormitories was found behind the tapestry of Lorric the Loser, one of Godric Gryffindor's old friends. So, with a conspiratorial look about them, and several not-so-manly giggles, the boys quickly pushed aside the moth-eaten tapestry and entered the passageway. It was so cold inside, that Sirius had convinced himself that he could see his breath in front of him, though there was no light. But James was not cold. He had a heart full of love to keep him toasty- and a body so lusty he would never be cold again! He gave Sirius a superior grin, not that it was noticed. To Lily's chamber they went!