Title: Need
Rating: T
Summary: The night that Sawyer gets back from killing 'the real Sawyer' is only filled with torment and pain...until he goes to Kate, and for once, needs comfort from her. Post 'The Brig' Slightly AU since we already know what happens after this epi. Skate Oneshot
A/n: I've been wanting to write this for a long time, so I decided to do it finally! LOL I hope you like it, this contains LOTS of vulnerable Sawyer and Skate sweetness as well as angst. ;) Enjoy!
Sawyer was back at the camp. Cooper was dead…but the sick feeling had never left his stomach, and the undeniable pain and guilt he felt because of his actions never lessened.
And that's what really killed him about the whole situation. He was guilty.
This man had ruined his life, killed his parents, and when he had told him about it…he taunted him, acted like it was nothing. It pushed him over the edge. Hadn't he become better than that? Apparently not.
All of his life he had wanted to kill this man, needed to, but when he was face to face…the need lessened. The pain had been intense when he realized who he was, that the man he thought he'd never find was standing in front of him. The only person who could explain his sorry life and why it had to be destroyed so early. Sawyer was almost willing to hear his side of the story. If he would've said that he was sorry, that he was young and stupid…just maybe he would have understood.
But he didn't, and it all became too much.
So here he was, back at camp after finishing the job. No one seemed to realize he had even been gone, except for Kate. She had come to him immediately, and to his surprise, she actually looked worried. Deep down, he knew that she didn't love him though. How could she love someone like him? He was a fun kind of guy to hang out with for a weekend, but Jack was a keeper. Even he knew that. Still, it was nice to see a glimpse of genuine care in her eyes, when she didn't seem to want something in return.
"So where were you?" She asked.
"No where, Kate." He sighed, shaking his head and starting to walk away.
She took a hold of his arm firmly. "Are you alright?" She persisted.
"Just fine."
She let go of him. "You were out all night."
"Yeah? Well, I'm a big boy, Freckles. And last time I checked, I didn't have no island curfew. I can take care of myself." He said, a bit harshly.
She drew back slightly, looking offended. "I'm sorry. I was worried about you, James. I didn't realize that was against the law."
"Don't call me James." He whispered, feeling hot tears burn the back of his eyes.
If he hadn't been James before, he definitely wasn't now, and he'd never be him again. He was Sawyer and there was nothing he could do to change that…ever. Something in him hated it, something accepted it, all of him loved her, but knew that he didn't deserve it returned.
She looked down and shook her head, frustrated. "I'll see you later, Sawyer."
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Now, the night was even darker, colder, as he lie alone in his tent, wide awake and constantly haunted by the events of the day. He tossed and turned, struggling to get the images out of his head, trying to get comfortable, but nothing worked. As the long hours of the night dragged on, finally he couldn't take it anymore. He was going crazy, so much so, at one point he wanted to kill himself.
This wasn't the release he'd hoped for when his revenge had finally been taken. It wasn't anything like he wanted, but was somewhat, somewhere deep inside of him, what he had expected…and what he deserved. The word 'murderer' echoed in his head. Again. Again he had taken a life that wasn't his to take.
It was all too much. The pain, the sorrow, the guilt, the emptiness he felt inside, all hitting him at once in one, fatal blow. He couldn't take it. He was strong. He'd hardened himself to these emotions for so long, but this time it just wasn't enough.
Without thinking, he got up and left his tent, walking five tents down the beach and stopping in front of Kate's. He didn't know what to say, how to explain that he needed her. He just did. He opened the flap of the tent and took a step forward. She shifted in her sleep. He just stared for a moment, enjoying as much as he could, the peaceful look on her face, until she awoke.
"Sawyer? What are you doing-"
"C'mon." He said simply, nodding out of the tent.
"What? Where?"
"My tent."
"Sawyer, it's the middle of the night, just what are you-"
"Please." He interrupted, his tone pleading and desperate.
Something about his voice surprised Kate and she slowly crawled out of bed. "Are you okay?"
"Just c'mon." He said, his eyes begging her not to question him further. This was hard enough.
Once they got to his tent, they both lay down, and then he did something that surprised Kate. He pulled her into his arms gently, yet still holding her tight against him, her face against his chest. His chin rested lightly on the top of her head as he kissed her hair with a little sigh. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth and love she could feel resonating from him.
"What's this all about, Sawyer?" She asked finally, reluctant to push him, but curious.
He didn't answer.
"If you were out with another girl, just tell me." She teased, but that only caused a hurt look to stream across his already vulnerable expression.
"Actually it was Locke." He said, the tiniest hint of teasing in his tone as well.
"What happened?"
"Just…stay the night with me. This one time." He said quietly.
She nodded against him. "Okay."
The fact that she agreed so quickly and without question touched him. He took a deep heaving breath as the memories of what he had done and how he wasn't good enough for her flooded back. They just lay still like that for a few minutes, when Kate realized that Sawyer was shaking slightly, and how he kept swallowing.
"Sawyer?"
He didn't answer.
She carefully released herself from his grip and looked into his eyes. "Are you crying?"
"It's nothin."
"No, it isn't. What's wrong? What happened out there that made you so different all of a sudden?" He again remained silent. "Sawyer, I love you, but if you don't talk to-"
"No, ya don't."
"What?"
"Ya don't love me, so stop lyin ta both of us." He said, his voice still soft and injured.
"Is that what this is all abou-"
"No."
"Sawyer, I love you." She was now sitting up, but he was still lying down. She took his face in her hands as she spoke. "I'm just not that good at saying it." She added quietly, guiltily.
His expression seemed to lighten. He believed her, but that was only part of the problem. "I love you too."
"Are you gonna tell me what's really wrong?" She paused for a moment. "Sawyer, please let me in." She continued, her tone more depserate.
He pulled her down slightly, and she lay down next to him once again. "I'll tell you…but not now. Just-just stay with me, Freckles?"
She kissed lips tenderly. "Of course."
The EndA/n: So, how did you like that? Was it good with a nice amount of angst along with the fluffyness of it sometimes? Was it okay? I usually don't get that many reviews for one shots, so please, please review if you liked it! Tell me what you thought, I'd really, really appreciate it! Thanks!