Addiction - The Beginning
I feel as if I should attend one of those meetings. You know, the ones where people sit around in a circle, each telling the listening crowd of their addictions. Drugs, cigarettes, alcohol. Sex. Maybe I should go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting because that seems to be half of my problem. The other half stands in the form of the man.
Honestly though, I don't know whatever possessed me to approach him the way I did. We had known each other only when our separate circles of acquaintances had brushed for some trivial occasion or the other. Okay, so some of those occasions weren't so trivial but I'm so tired of discussing that issue and really, its not the point of this story.
The point of this lies in the fact that I propositioned a man I barely knew for sex. One day, I woke up and decided that I'd had enough. I wouldn't be the victim anymore. I wouldn't do anything, including lie, steal and cheat, just to win back something that was lost. I wouldn't put my life on hold because I had gotten dumped and refused to accept the fact.
No. I was sick of it all and to tell you the truth it was getting pretty redundant. So one day, I walked inside the Book Cafe, ready to take a new approach to my life. That's when I saw him. He was in the same spot I had seen him before on several occasions. He had a tall Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of him, probably some mocha or the other, but paid it no attention.
His focus was solely set on the two ladies that sat near him, one to each side of his stool. I stood, not listening, but watching as he drew them in, as I'm sure he can do in any crowd of people. Throwing a lazy smile one way; a discreet wink the next. I don't know what it was exactly, but that morning, I was simply captivated. I could think of nothing more than receiving one of those looks for myself. Just him and me.
I sat at a corner booth about to order my usual: coffee, two creams, two sugars, when I remembered my quote unquote, new approach to life. I ordered a hot apple cider with a blueberry strudel to satisfy my sweet tooth, then sat back and tried to focus on the front-page news of the Harmony Herald. My eyes, though, seemed to have another plan all their own as they kept straying towards the counter. Towards him.
I drank my cider and ate my strudel all the while throwing surreptitious looks his way. He didn't seem to even notice I was there, and maybe that worked to my disadvantage in the long run. Because more than anything, I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at those women. I wanted him to give me even half of the attention he was tossing away free to the local town bunnies.
But he didn't. So, I left, leaving payment on the table, and making my way out the door without a word to anyone. But I came back; the next day, and then the day after that. Hell, I became a regular patron of the Book Cafe and its strudels, not to the notice of him. I was there seven days straight and not once did he ever look in my direction. Looking back now, I know it was a game he played.
He knew I was there and more disturbing, he knew I watched him. And he knew I would come back. So, I did. Every day for a month I would sit in my booth, order something different from the menu each morning, and read my paper all while watching him. And only on a morning when I decided to throw caution to the wind and make my presence known did I make my approach. He wouldn't ignore me any longer.
I walked in the doors, saw him occupied by a single female this time, and decided it would be the best chance I'd get. Strolling over to his right side, I placed my order for a glass of milk and a chocolate donut, waiting as my order was brought to me. Standing so close, I could feel my body temperature rise at least ten degrees. Suddenly, the cold winter morning wasn't so cold anymore. And I knew the reason.
He said a few words to his companion, dismissing her, before turning his gaze over to me. My eyes never left the wall in front of me. He then spoke, his deep voice rumbling down my spine as I tried to keep my composure for all I was worth. I pretended not to hear him, turning my interest to the nearby display of baked goods. He spoke again. I ignored him. But when his warm palm settled low on my back, when I could feel nearness in the fact that my temperature soared higher, there could be no more pretending.
"Excuse me," I spoke in my stiffest tone, going for a disdained shock. He only returned my words with a smile. Slow and lazy, just the way I wanted it. "I think your hand is somewhere it shouldn't be," I said, this time a little louder. When he made no move to remove said hand, I decided I would do it for him. I brought my arm up, pushing down on his so that I would break contact. And though I was fortunate to get his hand off my back, I was doubly unfortunate to have my fingers end up entangled with his.
"I asked, what were you doing here this morning," he spoke to me, slowly, not in the way I liked, but almost as if I was a petulant child not understanding a command he had given me. Now, having been out of the 'game' so-to-speak for...well...forever really, I had no quick return to his words. So like a fool, I answered, "Having breakfast." I know, I know, very...lame. But he had me captivated by his words, his body, and his presence. I'm just glad I managed not to faint.
"Really," he returned, his voice unbelieving. "Really," I returned, daring him to say otherwise. Thankfully, the waitress then came back with my order. But before I could snatch my items and retreat, having gotten his attention and finished being daring, he dropped my fingers and took the items. "Put these on my tab, sweetheart," he spoke to the girl, giving her a brief wink before turning to walk towards my booth, easily sliding into the seat and placing the items down in hopes of me following him.
And I shouldn't have followed. I walked straight into his trap I know that now. But I couldn't help it then. I was a new person, right? Bold, daring, a little clumsy, but still able to hold my own. I walked over. Slowly. I sat down. Slowly. I folded my hands on the table, slowly, and waited for him to say something. Anything. Yet, he only smiled. He gave me that smile, and I almost wanted to slap it off his face. But then again, I did seem to like that smile.
"I don't need you paying my bills," I finally spoke, knowing he would wait all day for my words rather than open that sexy mouth of his. "So," I began, pulling my glass of milk and accompanying saucer to my side of the table, "go take them off your tab." I gave him a degrading smirk, before muttering under my breath, "And go back to your seat while you're at it." Another mistake on my part. I practically challenged him to stay, knowing he would pick up on my softly spoken words.
"Right." Delivered like the smart ass I knew him to be, I only shook my head. I tried to place my concentration on biting into my donut, hoping I wouldn't get food all over my face and embarrass myself anymore than I already had. Of course, that would be asking too much. "You've got a small piece right there," he spoke, already moved forward in his seat. And instead of telling me where on my face I had food dangling, like a decent human being, he made it his personal mission to remove it for me.
At the touch of his finger, just one mind you, something inside me turned. It was like a light... No. More like a flame. One that had stayed unlit for so long had simply flickered to life with the touch of this man. It was unexpected. Invigorating. Definitely enjoyed. I stilled, waiting for him to remove his touch from my heating skin. But it stayed. Lingered. One brush. Another.
As my eyes flew to meet his, I saw it. The same emotions that I was feeling were mirrored in his eyes. He smiled again, that smile, and I decided right then I would do anything to have him. If only for just one night even, I would move heaven and earth to get there. "Thank you," I tried, my voice noticeably low. I brought up my hand to remove his finger, but found myself disappointed when he quickly retreated on his own.
"What's this game we're playing here," he asked then, his voice also low, rough, as he posed the question. I made no response; I had none really. I let my eyes drift back to the saucer holding my breakfast. I was no longer hungry for food, but ravenous for him. Just one taste. Just another touch. Anything. Everything. "I didn't know we were playing any games," I finally returned, my gaze still caught by the ceramic dish.
"You come in here for the past couple of weeks. You sit here," he pointed to the seat he had taken, "and you act as if you're minding your own business when you seem to be more concerned with mine." My cheeks heated. "So, I'll ask you again. What's the game?" What did I say to that, I wondered wildly. 'Well there's no game really, I'm just powerfully attracted to you and wondered how we'd be together in bed.' Right.
"You know," I began, raising my eyes to meet his, "maybe I made a mistake in coming here this morning." I turned my head, beginning to search in my purse for my wallet. "I'll make note of your discomfort and not come back. Ever," I added as an afterthought, hoping I could escape with some shred of dignity here. Pulling out a ten dollar bill from my wallet, the smallest bill available, I placed it on the table under my still full glass of milk. "I'm sorry for... well everything," I spoke, ready to leave and never return again.
"Wait!" His bark startling me, I quickly turned my attention towards him. "That's not at all what I meant." He ran a hand over his face, whether out of confusion or frustration, I didn't know. Probably both. "You have just as much a right to be here as I do, we both know that. And..." He faltered. I strained to listen. "And... I've enjoyed your presence the past couple of weeks." He gave another smile, a relaxed grin. "I probably come more out of the fact that I know you'll be here than the food."
I let his words roll through my head. So he enjoyed my presence? I guess that's a plus. I sat back, watching him, waiting to see if he would say anything else. This, I tell you, is when I started going insane. I wondered how much persuasion it would take to get him to a bed. He was attracted. I was practically salivating. Mutual attraction was a good start, wasn't it? "It wasn't so much a game," I began, not believing what was about to come out of my mouth.
"I... Well you see the thing is... You and I," I motioned between our bodies, still not knowing how to approach him without looking the fool. I choose the direct means. "I'm attracted to you." I would have expected eye popping, head rolling, something. But he gave me an impassive glance; just sat there and stared. "I have been for going on thirty-two days now," I continued, just happy he wasn't running. "And I kind of get the feeling that you are too." I licked my lips. His eyes flickered.
"So, therefore, there's no reason why two people, who are mutually attracted to each other, can't...satisfy each other's needs, right?" I waited for an answer. He was back to impassive. I shifted forward in my seat, lowering my voice to a whisper, "You are attracted to me, right?" Maybe I had read him wrong. Maybe he just liked women watching him, what guy didn't? I waited for his answer. A no would set me free. A yes was what I wanted.
"My hearing must be shot because I think you just propositioned me," he spoke in wonder, bewildered being the best word to describe his face, shock for his words. I slowly nodded, a smile coming onto my lips for once in this conversation. He blinked, shook his head, and looked back at me. I smiled wider. "My God, you are propositioning me," he threw out in a loud whisper. I quickly looked around to make sure no one had heard him, only returning my gaze when I was assured. "So..." I let the word stand, sure he could make the next necessary move. This new life was going surprisingly well so far.
"You do know who I am, right?" he asked in a misbelieving voice. I nodded. "And you know who you are?" I nodded again. "And you want us to..." he now motioned between our bodies. I nodded a third time. "Wow," the single word escaped his mouth, quickly followed by a smile. "And there's no catch here," he asked, still seeming unsure, but more than happy to oblige. I mouthed the single word reply of 'no'.
"Name a time and place sweetheart." Hmm, I thought. Would it really be that easy? The only thing standing between him and me naked was the location in where we would get naked. Oh, and a time of course. I guess the sooner the better, right? I get him out of my system and it's done with. No more early morning trips here to the cafe. No more pretending to be reading my paper as I try to take in his every feature, his every move. Catch snippets of his deeply spoken words. A time and a place?
"Tonight," I speak lowly, having already decided the sooner the better. But a place? I couldn't invite him to my home. That was a little too risky, even for me. He must have seen my discomfort for he reached out a hand, taking hold of mine. "How about my place," he spoke softly. "It's not much but I'm sure it will accommodate us for...what we have in mind." Indeed, I thought. I nodded, removing my hand to grab a piece of paper from my purse. The search for a pen took longer.
"The address," I spoke, handing the items over to him. He took his time, meticulously writing down the information before handing them back. I briefly glanced at the address, not really knowing where it was, but determined to find it when the time came. I idly glanced over the numbers he had written on the bottom, 'In case you get lost', he had written below them. Putting the paper and pen away, I moved to stand. So did he. I stopped him with a hand. "Tonight." I turned and left.
Madness, isn't it? Looking back at the whole thing, the past four weeks, this morning, it all seems like a dream. But here I am. Standing in front of the door to his apartment. About to embark on a journey that may take me places I've never been before. Hey, a girl can hope, right? I raise my hand to knock, knowing if I don't I'll turn tail and run. One knock. Two more. My addiction was about to begin.
I feel as if I should attend one of those meetings. You know, the ones where people sit around in a circle, each telling the listening crowd of their addictions. Drugs, cigarettes, alcohol. Sex. Maybe I should go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting because that seems to be half of my problem. The other half stands in the form of the man.
Honestly though, I don't know whatever possessed me to approach him the way I did. We had known each other only when our separate circles of acquaintances had brushed for some trivial occasion or the other. Okay, so some of those occasions weren't so trivial but I'm so tired of discussing that issue and really, its not the point of this story.
The point of this lies in the fact that I propositioned a man I barely knew for sex. One day, I woke up and decided that I'd had enough. I wouldn't be the victim anymore. I wouldn't do anything, including lie, steal and cheat, just to win back something that was lost. I wouldn't put my life on hold because I had gotten dumped and refused to accept the fact.
No. I was sick of it all and to tell you the truth it was getting pretty redundant. So one day, I walked inside the Book Cafe, ready to take a new approach to my life. That's when I saw him. He was in the same spot I had seen him before on several occasions. He had a tall Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of him, probably some mocha or the other, but paid it no attention.
His focus was solely set on the two ladies that sat near him, one to each side of his stool. I stood, not listening, but watching as he drew them in, as I'm sure he can do in any crowd of people. Throwing a lazy smile one way; a discreet wink the next. I don't know what it was exactly, but that morning, I was simply captivated. I could think of nothing more than receiving one of those looks for myself. Just him and me.
I sat at a corner booth about to order my usual: coffee, two creams, two sugars, when I remembered my quote unquote, new approach to life. I ordered a hot apple cider with a blueberry strudel to satisfy my sweet tooth, then sat back and tried to focus on the front-page news of the Harmony Herald. My eyes, though, seemed to have another plan all their own as they kept straying towards the counter. Towards him.
I drank my cider and ate my strudel all the while throwing surreptitious looks his way. He didn't seem to even notice I was there, and maybe that worked to my disadvantage in the long run. Because more than anything, I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at those women. I wanted him to give me even half of the attention he was tossing away free to the local town bunnies.
But he didn't. So, I left, leaving payment on the table, and making my way out the door without a word to anyone. But I came back; the next day, and then the day after that. Hell, I became a regular patron of the Book Cafe and its strudels, not to the notice of him. I was there seven days straight and not once did he ever look in my direction. Looking back now, I know it was a game he played.
He knew I was there and more disturbing, he knew I watched him. And he knew I would come back. So, I did. Every day for a month I would sit in my booth, order something different from the menu each morning, and read my paper all while watching him. And only on a morning when I decided to throw caution to the wind and make my presence known did I make my approach. He wouldn't ignore me any longer.
I walked in the doors, saw him occupied by a single female this time, and decided it would be the best chance I'd get. Strolling over to his right side, I placed my order for a glass of milk and a chocolate donut, waiting as my order was brought to me. Standing so close, I could feel my body temperature rise at least ten degrees. Suddenly, the cold winter morning wasn't so cold anymore. And I knew the reason.
He said a few words to his companion, dismissing her, before turning his gaze over to me. My eyes never left the wall in front of me. He then spoke, his deep voice rumbling down my spine as I tried to keep my composure for all I was worth. I pretended not to hear him, turning my interest to the nearby display of baked goods. He spoke again. I ignored him. But when his warm palm settled low on my back, when I could feel nearness in the fact that my temperature soared higher, there could be no more pretending.
"Excuse me," I spoke in my stiffest tone, going for a disdained shock. He only returned my words with a smile. Slow and lazy, just the way I wanted it. "I think your hand is somewhere it shouldn't be," I said, this time a little louder. When he made no move to remove said hand, I decided I would do it for him. I brought my arm up, pushing down on his so that I would break contact. And though I was fortunate to get his hand off my back, I was doubly unfortunate to have my fingers end up entangled with his.
"I asked, what were you doing here this morning," he spoke to me, slowly, not in the way I liked, but almost as if I was a petulant child not understanding a command he had given me. Now, having been out of the 'game' so-to-speak for...well...forever really, I had no quick return to his words. So like a fool, I answered, "Having breakfast." I know, I know, very...lame. But he had me captivated by his words, his body, and his presence. I'm just glad I managed not to faint.
"Really," he returned, his voice unbelieving. "Really," I returned, daring him to say otherwise. Thankfully, the waitress then came back with my order. But before I could snatch my items and retreat, having gotten his attention and finished being daring, he dropped my fingers and took the items. "Put these on my tab, sweetheart," he spoke to the girl, giving her a brief wink before turning to walk towards my booth, easily sliding into the seat and placing the items down in hopes of me following him.
And I shouldn't have followed. I walked straight into his trap I know that now. But I couldn't help it then. I was a new person, right? Bold, daring, a little clumsy, but still able to hold my own. I walked over. Slowly. I sat down. Slowly. I folded my hands on the table, slowly, and waited for him to say something. Anything. Yet, he only smiled. He gave me that smile, and I almost wanted to slap it off his face. But then again, I did seem to like that smile.
"I don't need you paying my bills," I finally spoke, knowing he would wait all day for my words rather than open that sexy mouth of his. "So," I began, pulling my glass of milk and accompanying saucer to my side of the table, "go take them off your tab." I gave him a degrading smirk, before muttering under my breath, "And go back to your seat while you're at it." Another mistake on my part. I practically challenged him to stay, knowing he would pick up on my softly spoken words.
"Right." Delivered like the smart ass I knew him to be, I only shook my head. I tried to place my concentration on biting into my donut, hoping I wouldn't get food all over my face and embarrass myself anymore than I already had. Of course, that would be asking too much. "You've got a small piece right there," he spoke, already moved forward in his seat. And instead of telling me where on my face I had food dangling, like a decent human being, he made it his personal mission to remove it for me.
At the touch of his finger, just one mind you, something inside me turned. It was like a light... No. More like a flame. One that had stayed unlit for so long had simply flickered to life with the touch of this man. It was unexpected. Invigorating. Definitely enjoyed. I stilled, waiting for him to remove his touch from my heating skin. But it stayed. Lingered. One brush. Another.
As my eyes flew to meet his, I saw it. The same emotions that I was feeling were mirrored in his eyes. He smiled again, that smile, and I decided right then I would do anything to have him. If only for just one night even, I would move heaven and earth to get there. "Thank you," I tried, my voice noticeably low. I brought up my hand to remove his finger, but found myself disappointed when he quickly retreated on his own.
"What's this game we're playing here," he asked then, his voice also low, rough, as he posed the question. I made no response; I had none really. I let my eyes drift back to the saucer holding my breakfast. I was no longer hungry for food, but ravenous for him. Just one taste. Just another touch. Anything. Everything. "I didn't know we were playing any games," I finally returned, my gaze still caught by the ceramic dish.
"You come in here for the past couple of weeks. You sit here," he pointed to the seat he had taken, "and you act as if you're minding your own business when you seem to be more concerned with mine." My cheeks heated. "So, I'll ask you again. What's the game?" What did I say to that, I wondered wildly. 'Well there's no game really, I'm just powerfully attracted to you and wondered how we'd be together in bed.' Right.
"You know," I began, raising my eyes to meet his, "maybe I made a mistake in coming here this morning." I turned my head, beginning to search in my purse for my wallet. "I'll make note of your discomfort and not come back. Ever," I added as an afterthought, hoping I could escape with some shred of dignity here. Pulling out a ten dollar bill from my wallet, the smallest bill available, I placed it on the table under my still full glass of milk. "I'm sorry for... well everything," I spoke, ready to leave and never return again.
"Wait!" His bark startling me, I quickly turned my attention towards him. "That's not at all what I meant." He ran a hand over his face, whether out of confusion or frustration, I didn't know. Probably both. "You have just as much a right to be here as I do, we both know that. And..." He faltered. I strained to listen. "And... I've enjoyed your presence the past couple of weeks." He gave another smile, a relaxed grin. "I probably come more out of the fact that I know you'll be here than the food."
I let his words roll through my head. So he enjoyed my presence? I guess that's a plus. I sat back, watching him, waiting to see if he would say anything else. This, I tell you, is when I started going insane. I wondered how much persuasion it would take to get him to a bed. He was attracted. I was practically salivating. Mutual attraction was a good start, wasn't it? "It wasn't so much a game," I began, not believing what was about to come out of my mouth.
"I... Well you see the thing is... You and I," I motioned between our bodies, still not knowing how to approach him without looking the fool. I choose the direct means. "I'm attracted to you." I would have expected eye popping, head rolling, something. But he gave me an impassive glance; just sat there and stared. "I have been for going on thirty-two days now," I continued, just happy he wasn't running. "And I kind of get the feeling that you are too." I licked my lips. His eyes flickered.
"So, therefore, there's no reason why two people, who are mutually attracted to each other, can't...satisfy each other's needs, right?" I waited for an answer. He was back to impassive. I shifted forward in my seat, lowering my voice to a whisper, "You are attracted to me, right?" Maybe I had read him wrong. Maybe he just liked women watching him, what guy didn't? I waited for his answer. A no would set me free. A yes was what I wanted.
"My hearing must be shot because I think you just propositioned me," he spoke in wonder, bewildered being the best word to describe his face, shock for his words. I slowly nodded, a smile coming onto my lips for once in this conversation. He blinked, shook his head, and looked back at me. I smiled wider. "My God, you are propositioning me," he threw out in a loud whisper. I quickly looked around to make sure no one had heard him, only returning my gaze when I was assured. "So..." I let the word stand, sure he could make the next necessary move. This new life was going surprisingly well so far.
"You do know who I am, right?" he asked in a misbelieving voice. I nodded. "And you know who you are?" I nodded again. "And you want us to..." he now motioned between our bodies. I nodded a third time. "Wow," the single word escaped his mouth, quickly followed by a smile. "And there's no catch here," he asked, still seeming unsure, but more than happy to oblige. I mouthed the single word reply of 'no'.
"Name a time and place sweetheart." Hmm, I thought. Would it really be that easy? The only thing standing between him and me naked was the location in where we would get naked. Oh, and a time of course. I guess the sooner the better, right? I get him out of my system and it's done with. No more early morning trips here to the cafe. No more pretending to be reading my paper as I try to take in his every feature, his every move. Catch snippets of his deeply spoken words. A time and a place?
"Tonight," I speak lowly, having already decided the sooner the better. But a place? I couldn't invite him to my home. That was a little too risky, even for me. He must have seen my discomfort for he reached out a hand, taking hold of mine. "How about my place," he spoke softly. "It's not much but I'm sure it will accommodate us for...what we have in mind." Indeed, I thought. I nodded, removing my hand to grab a piece of paper from my purse. The search for a pen took longer.
"The address," I spoke, handing the items over to him. He took his time, meticulously writing down the information before handing them back. I briefly glanced at the address, not really knowing where it was, but determined to find it when the time came. I idly glanced over the numbers he had written on the bottom, 'In case you get lost', he had written below them. Putting the paper and pen away, I moved to stand. So did he. I stopped him with a hand. "Tonight." I turned and left.
Madness, isn't it? Looking back at the whole thing, the past four weeks, this morning, it all seems like a dream. But here I am. Standing in front of the door to his apartment. About to embark on a journey that may take me places I've never been before. Hey, a girl can hope, right? I raise my hand to knock, knowing if I don't I'll turn tail and run. One knock. Two more. My addiction was about to begin.