Should Have Told Him

By Kimetara

One-shot/prequel

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII.

            They call me a coward.

            Maybe I am.

            But at least, if you're going to judge me, let me share my side of the story.

            When I first found Cloud at the train station...

            Well...I knew something was off.

            "How long has it been?"

            "Five years, right?"

            "...it's been a long time."

            And to be honest, I wasn't all that attached to him.

            Yeah, he was an old crush – one I was afraid to ever admit.

            But seven years...and five in the slums of Midgar...

            That's a lot of time for old feelings to fade.

            But once he started working with AVALANCHE, I have to admit, I started growing attached to him again.

            But I couldn't tell him then!  I hardly knew him.

            Besides, could you imagine how silly I'd sound?  "Hey, um, Cloud?  I know I haven't seen you in seven years, although you say five, and I know I only found you last week, but do you think we could go out?  Oh, don't worry, Barret won't mind..."  Barret already gave me grief over being friends with somebody from Shinra – I can't imagine how upset he'd be if I actually had asked Cloud out.

            I know...that's what Aeris did.  "How about if I go out with you once?"  I think living life running from the Shinra had made her a bit reckless.

            And...well...I wanted it to mean something, you know?  Aeris didn't even know Cloud's last name when she asked, she was just going for a cute guy.  I...I don't know.  I've never been on a date before, although God knows how many times Johnny tried.  I guess I wanted my first to be special.

            Aeris...

            "The deal was for one date, right?"

            I couldn't tell Cloud when Aeris was there; and she was always with him.  Always there, making him laugh...I couldn't ever do that.  I wish I could.

            Don't get me wrong.  Aeris was my good friend, and we had a lot in common.  Whenever we'd stop for a break, she and I would always go off and talk to each other, about our pasts, about Shinra, about the town or city we were in...  Sometimes she'd talk to me about Cloud.  I'd listen, I'd nod politely, and then I'd tactfully change the subject...because hearing her talk about Cloud and herself as an item tore me apart.

            And then she died.

            Sephiroth...just one more tally on his board of destruction.

            I couldn't very well tell Cloud I loved him then.  Not when Aeris' death was hanging over us...him...

            And then that whole thing with the black materia occurred.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but I pretty much fell apart then.  I couldn't help it, I kept thinking he died, he's gone, how could he be gone?  I need him, but he died...

            I was so happy when we found out he was alive.  I was thanking whatever deity existed for keeping him from joining the Lifestream.  And then I found out he was...well...a vegetable, to put it bluntly.

            I stayed with him.  There was no way I'd continue running around, searching for Sephiroth, without him by my side.  I couldn't abandon him...I couldn't have him abandon me...

            When we fell into the Lifestream...oh my gosh, that was such a shock.  Especially the part about Cloud joining SOLDIER for me. 

            I...I was afraid while I was there – in Cloud's mind, I mean.  What if I messed up?  What if he ended up drifting there forever, caught in his ripped past?

            But I was thankful too.  Thankful I was the one to be there, the one to lead Cloud back to us.  The one to uncover the real Cloud.  And I loved him as much as I'd loved his old self.

            I should have told him after that.  After that, we grew even closer than before.  And that night on the Highwind, before we battled Sephiroth...that was the perfect time.

            But you know what?

            I got the feeling...he already knew.

            He looked me in the eyes, and we talked to each other, about everything.  About Nibelheim, Sephiroth, our pasts...and then he let me sleep on his shoulder.

            I was so sure he knew.

            So sure...

            I should have told him anyway.

            Could have, should have told him.

            Because obviously he didn't.

            Or he was being cruel...and I can't think of my Cloud – no, not mine – as cruel.

"...I think I'm beginning to understand."

            "An answer from the Planet...the Promised Land..."

            "I think I can meet her...there."

            Those words just killed any hope I had.

            And I accepted it.

            I smiled, sadly, but I smiled.

            "Yeah, let's go meet her..."

            Even when he chooses another over me, I'll still be by his side.

            Because I love him...

            I just wish I could tell him that.

            I just wish that Aeris didn't hang between us.

            I just wish I had the courage to go and face certain rejection.

            I wish...

            But I don't.

            Maybe I'm a coward.

            But I can't face him...not yet.

            Because when I do...the small, tiny little shred of hope I have left will be gone.

            And then what will I have left?

AN:  I wrote this because of how a lot of people say that Tifa's a coward for not telling Cloud her feelings.  Personally, I agree (to a certain extent), but I also wanted to try to see things from her perspective, and this is what I came up with.  I guess this could also be considered the prequel of my multi-part Tifa/Reno.