Title: Eight Legged Menace
Author: Aeon Cole
Rating: T (for creepyness)
Warning: Slash, but nothing explicit.
Pairing: Horatio/Speed
Summary: Everyone is afraid of something.
Author's Note: This actually happened to me. And, by the way, this story totally creeped out my editor.
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Tim arrived home fairly early. He had finished up the case he had been working and there was nothing else of pressing importance for him to do at the lab. It had been a slow week so Horatio was locked in his office trying to clear a massive pile of paperwork off his desk. He wouldn't be home for a while. Tim headed into the kitchen to clean up from dinner the night before. In a fit of passion, they had left a pile of dirty dishes and pots in the sink after dinner.
He began to empty the sink of its contents and pile them up on the counter to give himself enough room to wash and rinse. He lifted the last pot from the bottom of the sink and jumped back suddenly, wrapping his arms tightly around himself. He didn't exactly scream like a little girl, but it was close. The pot clattered to the floor. For a moment he was frozen in place.
Tim inched himself closer to the sink and peered over the edge. It stared back at him. It was the size of a small mouse. 'All right Speedle,' he thought. 'Get a hold of yourself. It's just a spider.' As he locked eyes with the eight legged menace his mind flew into overdrive. 'It's a big spider. A big furry spider, with big fangs.' He shuddered. He couldn't tear his eyes from it until it moved and he leapt back from the sink again.
'Oh, God, it's gonna get out of the sink,' he thought. He stood ready to grab his motorcycle helmet and bolt from the house but he didn't see the thing climb over the edge of the sink. After a few moments he inched forward again and noticed that the spider didn't seem to be able to scale the stainless steel walls of the sink. He relaxed a little. If it couldn't get out then he was safe for the time being.
The problem was, he now had to deal with the beast. He could leave it for Horatio to deal with, but then he would have to admit to him that he was too afraid to eliminate something a fraction of his size. The thing was too big to squash. He had a passing thought of simply pulling out his glock and shooting the sucker. But that would attract the neighbors and damage his sink. He would save that for a last resort.
'Okay,' he thought. 'Tried and true methods for killing a spider. Hairspray.' Being a long time arachnophobe, he kept a can of hairspray under the sink. Spray it on a spider and it makes them all sticky so they can't move. 'It works on the small ones. I'll just have to use more for a big one.'
He reached under the sink, moving slowly and quietly, so as not to give his prey a clue as to its fate, and grabbed the can. He held it above the sink at a safe distance and pressed the nozzle. A stream of sticky liquid sprayed toward the creature. The thing immediately started running in circles, trying to get away from the offending mist. At one point its momentum almost took it up and over the edge of the sink wall causing Tim to leap away and run into the other room.
He stood there for a moment, breathing heavily with his heart pounding. After he'd calmed himself, he slowly entered the kitchen again and peered into the sink. 'Well, that just pissed it off,' he thought. Then an idea struck him. The monster was in the sink. 'Run the water and drown it. Why didn't I think of that before?' He took a long wooden spoon and knocked the plug into the drain. Then he hit the faucet control and the sink began to fill with water. After a moment he realized his mistake and quickly turned the water off. 'Okay, who knew spiders could swim.'
He reached into the sink with the spoon, loosened the drain plug and watched as the creature sunk back down to the bottom. Now the thing was sticky, pissed off, and wet. His gun was beginning to seem like a viable option. 'All right, one more thing to try,' he thought.
He went to the hall closet and pulled out his old canister vacuum, praying that it still worked. He cursed himself for switching to an upright a few years back. He plugged it in and flipped the switch. The thing sputtered to life. He smiled. "Now you're in for it, buddy," he said to his eight legged companion. Not wanting to get too close to the thing as he sucked it up, he attached every long arm piece he could find to the end of the hose. He could now stand a safe six feet away. From that distance he couldn't see into the sink without standing on his tiptoes.
He flipped the switch on the vacuum, raised himself up so he could see his prey, and lowered the end of the tube toward the beast. In a flash, he heard a 'thawp' as the spider was sucked into the hose. Then he felt a tapping along the hose as it was sucked up and into the body of the vacuum. This was too much for him and he dropped the hose before it reached his hand. Again he backed out of the room quickly.
He let the vacuum run for a good five minute, just to be sure the thing wasn't stuck in the tube. Then he quickly kicked it out onto the back deck and closed and locked the sliding glass door.
When Horatio arrived home a few hours later, he found Tim asleep on the sofa, in a fetal position. There were dirty dishes stacked up on the counter and what looked like their old vacuum cleaner out on the back deck. He walked over to Tim and brushed his hand over his cheek to wake him. He didn't expect the reaction he got. Tim leapt off the sofa and started brushing his hands all over himself.
"Hey, calm down," Horatio said. "What's wrong?"
"Spider," was all Tim said.
"You were sleeping. It was just a dream."
Tim took a moment to calm himself. "It wasn't a dream." He pointed to the kitchen. "I found a big, fucking monster in the sink when I got home. It's in the vacuum out there," he said pointing to the back deck.
Horatio raised an eyebrow. "How big?" he asked.
"Really big," Tim answered.
Horatio recognized someone with a phobia when he saw one. "It's okay, I'll deal with it."
He walked out to the deck and heard Tim yell from inside, "Just throw the whole thing out."
He poked his head back inside and said, "I'm just going to throw the bag out. It's still a good vacuum." When he saw the expression on Tim's face he added, "Besides, if we get another spider in the house, how will you deal with it without a vacuum." Tim shuddered and Horatio tried not to smile.
Once the beast was dealt with, Horatio returned to Tim's side. Tim looked at him, a little embarrassed and said, "Thanks."
"So," Horatio said with mild amusement, "I guess I can add 'Official Spider Killer' to my resume."
Fin