Kyle continued to struggle with his feelings for both Amanda and Jessi. He remembered his past with Amanda and realized he had unfinished business with her. He did still love her and who he used to be when he was with her. He remembered the butterflies. In that moment of thought, he heard a blond's thumping heart. He soon after saw blond hair at the corner of his eye. He slowly walked toward the window and opened it.
With Kyle's permission, Amanda came through.
"Hi."
"Amanda..." He wasn't ready, but couldn't find the words or the will to turn her away.
She made her way to Kyle until she was toe to toe with him. She braided her hands into his and beamed her remarkable eyes toward his. "How are you?"
Kyle paused. "Confused." He'd hoped the brute honesty would tell her that he needed more time.
Amanda's lips tightened in determination. "I think we owe it to one another to give us another chance. Don't you?"
Kyle stood silent with his mouth inched open, but his brain wouldn't give him the courtesy to form words. He just stared down at his first love, eyebrows obtuse.
"Kyle?" She inched herself closer to him. Please say yes. Amanda thought.
"Amanda...I..." Before Kyle could breathe another word, Amanda pressed her lips against his. He was immediately drawn in. He could still feel their past and longed for that normalcy again. They finally parted and the one word Amanda longed to hear was voiced:
"Ok."
Amanda bore a wide smile that was always infectious to Kyle. But this was different. For he knew he would soon have to face Jessi. All Kyle could offer back was a forced smirk in response to Amanda's elation. They kissed again which was a relief to Kyle, for he didn't want Amanda to notice his broken disposition.
I wasn't ready when she came in, but maybe she's right. Maybe we do owe it to each other to try again. Maybe, in time, this ache I feel will dissipate...
Meanwhile, Jessi was making her way to Kyle's room pacing up and down the hallway. I can do this. I know I'm not Amanda but I th-
Jessi was rendered stone still.
...Amanda?
Jessi sensed her heartbeat - but it was quickened. In that moment her shred of hope sunk, for she instantly knew what was happening. Kyle made his choice... It wasn't her... It was over.
She didn't want to witness what she already knew she'd see, but she needed the proof in order to fathom her defeat, and walk away for good. She urged her rigid body on, trembling with each step as she reached Kyle's opened door... and witnessed what at the time, was her greatest fear. She tried to move, but forgot how to use her legs. As she broke piece by piece, she feared she would remain forever paralyzed in her compromising position. Just then, dark mercy visited her, for her eyes began to burn. She gave into her body's plea and blinked, waking herself from her hellish trance. She finally mustered up the strength to walk away slowly, wearing tears...
Amanda finally left Kyle - it had gotten immensely late. Kyle then knew his next task, and dreaded it from the pit of his being. He finally found the strength to walk and found Jessi in her room with her back facing him. She appeared to be star gazing through her window.
"I know it's late." Kyle began.
A startled Jessi whipped her head around and quickly jerked it back toward her window, keeping her face out of sight. Her eyes were bloodshot. She needed more time to recover. Kyle was immediately torn when he saw her.
"Jessi?" Kyle's voice was already cracking. "Are you alright?" There was no way he'd add to whatever pain she was already suffering from. He wanted to comfort her. He cautiously made his way closer to her.
She sensed him nearing her. "I'm fine, Kyle." She said abruptly, halting him six feet from her.
Her face was fortunately dry - nothing but tear stains. "What..." She finally turned to him and found his eyes, and realized the facade would be harder than she anticipated. "What can I do for you?" Her voice broke as she spoke. Only the corner of her mouth would make an effort to pull up a smile then snap back down almost instantly to join the rest of her mouth in a dark grimace. She realized he wasn't buying her fake pretense.
Kyle was torn in half - the evidence was all over his face, but Jessi was too preoccupied with self protecting to notice. Kyle's eyes heated, and his vision blurred. He soon realized, it was his tears that were beginning to rim his eyes. He was shocked at his body's reaction to his pain. It was more than he feared it would be. His voice was hoarse and it shook as he began to speak. "Jessi, I-"
"Don't worry Kyle. You don't have to bother. She forced the corner of her mouth to pull up a closed half smile again. We just got ahead of ourselves. I understand." She nodded. "It was..." Jessi huffed in response to her grief as she had to muster up the strength to sound out her next words... "It was stupid of me to ever think we could never have what you and Amanda have." She was proud of herself for saying that without falling apart. "I'll be fine." That fine wasn't strong enough. Jessi thought.
"But-" Kyle couldn't believe what he was hearing.
...try it again, stronger this time. Jessi thought to herself.
"I'm fine." Better. Jessi forced out a smirk and turned her back to hide her broken grimace. "I should get to my homework. Good night Kyle." Her lips quivered. She was a shattered statue at this point. Another word and she would have broken down in front of him.
Go. Go away, Kyle. Please go away. Jessi plead within.
Kyle didn't expect it to be so easy. It hurt him that she didn't put up a fight. He burrowed a final wide eyed gaze at Jessi, and left. He stared back at the closed door and flashed back to every kiss he'd had with her. As he slowly made his way back to his room, he tried to come to terms with the new emotion he was feeling... rejection. He thought he was going to have to reject her, but it was him now who felt the cold sting of desertion. He felt alone. He stared at his roof within his tub, and let the tears soak his skin.
Morning came without permission. At the exception of 5-10 minute intervals, Kyle hadn't gotten any sleep. He cursed time as he stared at his alarm clock. His face was still damp from his intermittent tears throughout the night.
Before Kyle could blink he felt as if he'd been transported to his date with Amanda. He began to regret agreeing to it the night before.
The blanket they sat on was comfortable; furry. The stars above were a great distraction from his melancholy, but his mind still wandered to the dull pain he felt in his chest. It helped to eat the chocolate covered fruit Amanda prepared.
Have crickets always been this loud? Kyle thought. Everything around him was distracting. Amanda seemed immune when he examined her body language. He then realized it wasn't the "distractions", it was him. He couldn't pretend that he was happy to be outside with his "ex" ex-girlfriend and the hungry bugs. The dull pain he felt was ever present and commanded his attention.
"You seem distant." Amanda inquired with a tilt of her head.
No. I don't know what to say yet. "Huh?" Good, that'll grant me 2 seconds. Kyle chastised himself for his pathetic attempt to stall.
"You haven't said more than two words all evening." Amanda tried to mask her frustration with concern - she wasn't successful.
"Sorry." It was sincere enough to slightly calm Amanda's frustration.
"You ok?" She was confident enough to rest her hand on his shoulder.
"To be honest," He worried he would hurt her by telling the truth, but maybe she would be ok. "I'm worried about Jessi" Amanda's eyebrows rose and her lips parted in response. Kyle noticed. "- hurting her I mean." Kyle bluntly added.
Amanda's quiet sigh of relief after the 'clarification' was painfully obvious. Wanting the Jessi parade to end, she'd hoped blunt advice would help: "She'll get over it. Her...'feelings' or whatever it was that she felt for you, were pretty superficial. I mean just watching how...selfish and...trivial-"
Kyle shot Amanda a bitter gaze which cued her to stop mid-sentence. He couldn't stand to hear Amanda derogate Jessi any longer. The blond could not have been more wrong and Kyle knew it. He had watched Jessi grow substantially since he first met her and he knew she had reached a new maturity. She didn't deserve to be judged.
"You don't know anything about it, Amanda." His eyes met the ground as he chose his words carefully. "So...please just, stop." His tone was soft, but stern. He didn't want to hurt Amanda but he wouldn't tolerate another disparaging word said about Jessi.
"I-I'm sorry." Amanda's heart sped in shock and embarrassment. Her plan backfired. "Schmuck" was branded on her forehead. She was supposed to be the perfect girlfriend - looks like that title went out the window. Amanda mourned to herself.
Amanda knew these next words wouldn't help ease the tension, yet she had to know. "Did..." She took a deep breath. "...Do you love 'er?"
Kyle was immediately caught off guard. It had to be that question. He thought.
His eyes widened as he found Amanda's. "Amanda I..." He looked down to escape the look of betrayal on Amanda's face. She pressed her lips together as her eyes began to well up. His silence was utterly exposing. "I honestly don't know."
Awkward silence cloaked them both as the night limped on...
Jessi cradled herself in bed as she let the tears burn down her face. She was alone now, why not? She thought. However when she heard a knock on her door, she was angry she had failed in her attempt at discretion.
"I heard you from the hallway." Lori stood at the door after she opened it. Jessi reluctantly allowed her to enter, and explained everything. She also insisted that Lori not talk to anyone about it, for Jessi wanted to deal with her emotions on her own; without her family's pity... especially Kyle's. After Lori was able to calm Jessi, she advised Jessi to "move on, get out there, and date."
"I love Kyle." How could she even suggest anything like that so soon? I mean, how dare she try to help me move on when I'm clearly busy hanging to someone I don't have? Jessi realized in dark humorous thought.
"I know, sister, but it's time you found someone who will love you back. You deserve that much don't you?" Lori's heart went out to Jessi. She genuinely wanted to see her happy, and doubted that Jessi and Kyle could ever amount to anything beyond a friendship.
There's that dull pain again. He doesn't love me. Jessi's eyes closed as she felt herself shrink in face of her overwhelming emotions.
"Jessi?" Lori urged.
Jessi forced her eyes to cracked open. "I. I dunno if I'm...I don't think I'm ready yet." The waves of pain were crippling at best. She doubted she was in any shape to date anytime soon.
She couldn't imagine being with anyone but Kyle. But as the night rolled on, Lori continued to push Jessi into compliance. And by the end of their marathon conversation, "Just...promise me you'll think about it." Lori concluded.
"I'll think about it." Jessi copied. They sat in silence for a few moments."Thank-you, Lori." Jessi didn't feel better, but she did find some peace after talking with Lori. I need to get some air." Jessi huffed out a last breath, forced a thankful smirk, and stood.
Lori smiled a sad smile, for she was able to empathize with what Jessi was going through - she too had been rejected by the boy she loved not long ago.
"I won't be gone long." Jessi reported. As long as I don't jump off a cliff.
"Let's just...try and enjoy the evening. Ok?" Kyle suggested. It took more than a lot of effort to form a closed smile, but he did. Their eyes met, and they simultaneously leaned in to one another. The kiss was light & quick. Their lips slipped apart. Something's different. Amanda forced a closed smile of her own.
"I know we're not, the way we used to be; but I know we'll get there again." Amanda promised with another forced grin.
It was hard for Kyle to agree as he stared deep into her eyes with a sad expression. "It's late, we should go." Kyle suggested. It was only 9pm, but they had school.
Kyle was relieved that the evening was over as they neared their houses. Amanda insisted she walk Kyle to his window. He made his way to the inside and turned for a last goodbye. "Well-" Kyle began.
"Um, can I stay a while? We could lay in your tub..." She shrugged her soldiers with a nervous smile. "Like old times?" She'd hoped they could salvage their frosty evening.
Kyle found her eyes, painfully staring... thinking. "I...I have homework and I don't want your mom to worry about you." Better a white lie than the painful truth - he needed the night to be over... The truth was, he wanted to check on Jessi.
"Sure." She managed to smile half a smile to escape Kyle's burn. "I understand." She leaned in for one last kiss. Kyle complied. It was warmer this time. As their lips parted, Amanda stayed close to Kyle's face to stare into his eyes for a few moments. Kyle's stare was blank.
"Good night, Kyle." She whispered.
"Good night." He said nearly under his breath with despondency.
Amanda headed home as Kyle watched for her to range out of sight. He shut his window, but felt uneasy at his relief for her departure. He was free to do what he longed to do all night. He finally headed for Jessi's room, only to find it empty.
He went to Lori's room to investigate. Her door was wide open. She was still awake sitting on her bed with guitar in hand. She appeared to be working on some music.
"Have you seen Jessi?" He stood at her door.
Lori looked at her brother from head to toe and smiled in her wily way. "You look terrible." She chuckled.
"I haven't slept much." He frowned and scratched his head. "Look could y-"
She turned her head back down to her guitar. "She's gone for a walk lover boy."
Kyle sighed in disappointment. He walked toward his room in defeat. Lori then called out a sarcastic "Good night to you too!" but Kyle was too lost in thought to notice. He settled in his tub and remained torn about the recent events. He harbored small resentment toward Amanda for not giving him more time. But he made his choice, so he knew he couldn't place the blame on her. Yet he wondered, if being with Amanda, was even what he wanted anymore. He ached at the thought of it - another unsuccessful night of sleep awaited him, for his thoughts would keep him awake for hours to come.
Jessi's quick walk turned into a city wide journey. She couldn't bring herself to turn around and go home. She found herself taking a turn into a back alley and witnessed an attempted mugging. 5 large "thugs", a new term she'd heard on 'COPS', began to attack a young man. Jessi ran toward the gang to rescue the young man. However to her surprise, the stranger defended himself flawlessly. He knows jujitsu... Jessi thought. She reached the scene in time to plant her fist into one of the assailants' faces and flipped him back flat onto the pavement.
"Are you ok?"
The man quickly glanced at her before staring down at the unconscious assailants. "I had them." He found Jessi's eyes and grinned. "You didn't have to help me little lady. You coulda gotten hurt."
Jessi's look of concern quickly changed to one of disdain. Her eyes narrowed, and brows rose. "Little lady?" Jessi smirked at his ignorance. "Trust me. I can take care of myself too." She tried to remain humble and took a deep breath. "Those are some impressive moves you have." She offered.
"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself..." His eyes scanned her vertically. "...for a girl." He grinned.
That did it. Jessi made a scoffing grimace, turned around, and began to walk home, for she was close to decking the potential victim she had just tried to save.
He regretted his words. "Wait!" He chuckled. "I'm Xander."
Jessi half smiled, refusing to let the blurb about her sex slide. She turned her head toward him to meet his eyes. "I'm Jessi. And you're welcome."
"For what?"
"Helping you out." Jessi projected from a widening distance as she continued to walk away.
"Wait. You wanna help me out? Have a cup of coffee with me." Jessi hesitated, but couldn't help but smile at the gutsy stranger. She turned to face him again. She was 15 feet away and it was dark, but she could see his features well. He was 6'2 according to Jessi's calculations. She could also that tell the man took care of his body. His muscles were tracing under his short black leather zip up jacket. His form fitting dark denim jeans silhouetted his long slightly scrawny legs. She also recognized his shoes. She'd seen them in one of Lori's magazines weeks ago. Vintage Mens 70's ONITSUKA TIGER Sneakers Japan 10 Jessi thought. He was an overdue breath of fresh air.
****End of Chapter****