Bill and the Doctor had returned from the Frost Fair nearly an hour ago, and they were finally back in their regular clothes. Nardole was down in the vault after losing a bet with the Doctor, and so the tutor and his pupil were alone again, sitting at the desk in the center of the room. Bill spun her chair back and forth as she stared out the window on opposite wall.
"So you were married," Bill said suddenly. The Doctor turned up to her with a careful eye. She smiled encouragingly. "You mentioned, earlier. You took her to the Frost Fair once?"
The Doctor cleared his throat. His eye glanced over the pictures on his desk. "Yes. River Song."
Bill nodded. "That's a cool name. Sounds like something out of a comic book."
The Doctor's lips quirked, but he caught himself before smiling. "She was. Archaeologist slash Time traveler."
His eyes took on a warm glow. Bill had never seen him so relaxed. He put up a wall a moment later; dropped the smile, sat up straighter.
Bill pretended to notice the other picture on the desk for the first time. "Is that your daughter?"
The Doctor picked up the picture and looked at it closely. His fingers were shaking, just slightly. "Granddaughter. From a, er...not River. Different time. I was different."
Bill looked at her hands with a smile. "Funny; everyone's always saying you never seem to change."
The Doctor set the photo down with a sad smile. "That's not quite true."
Bill rubbed her hands together. There was so much she wanted to ask, but the discomfort in the room was already mounting to unbearable levels. She could practically feel the Doctor's nervous, bumbling energy. She wished she hadn't started this.
"I'm sorry; about your wife. And bringing it up…"
"No, no," the Doctor assured. "I...like talking about her. She's...she was…brilliant."
He folded his hands on the desk and took in a shaky breath. Then his features lightened and his eyes took on that soft glow Bill had noticed earlier.
"She used to drive me mad. Always jumping out of spaceships; taking too many risks. But...I think those were some of the best days of my life."
Bill smiled. "You were made for each other, weren't you? You're a bit of a risk taker yourself."
The Doctor held up a finger. "I do it within reason. She practically chose to fall into the wrong hands. Spent her days in prison just to be able to break out again at night."
The Doctor chuckled, lost in reverie. Bill looked at the pictures again.
"What's your granddaughter's name?"
The Doctor blinked a few times. "Susan. She was the first one I took travelling with me."
"Have there been that many?" Bill asked. The Doctor gave her a mysterious smile.
"Don't be jealous, Miss Potts."
Bill mock-scoffed, but let herself smile a moment later. "What's Susan up to these days?"
As soon as she asked it, she regretted it. The Doctor's warm eyes grew darker.
"I, er," he drifed his eyes away from hers. "I don't know. I haven't seen her in...centuries. She was happy, when I…". He cleared his throat. "When I left her."
He took in another shaky breath and placed his hands on the desk. Bill edged closer to the desk and reached a hand out, setting it on top of his. "I'm sure she's doing fine."
He smiled gratefully, but dropped it. "I...I was foolish back then. I thought I knew what was best for her. I left her behind. I didn't even ask if that's what she wanted." The Doctor shook his head and leaned back into his chair. "Stupid."
Bill waited until he met her eyes. "Don't beat yourself up over it. At the time, it probably felt right."
The Doctor folded his restless hands. "That doesn't mean it was."
Bill knew somehow that he wasn't just referring to Susan. How many regrets did he have in that ancien brain of his? How many lives did he blame himself for ruining? How many worlds did he carry on those thin shoulders?
"Doctor...you know you're a good person, right? In the end?"
The Doctor turned his eye. "I'm not. But I'm okay with that. I'm just a traveler. Just a man in a box. No 'good' or 'bad' attached."
Bill blinked slowly. "You don't seen 'okay with that'." Bill looked at the desk. "Sometimes...I notice that you're sad. Even when you make yourself look happy." She looked up abruptly.
"I know we haven't known each other super long...sorry, I'm just saying whatever's on my mind now," she said, her cheeks turning pink.
The Doctor watched her for a moment. There was silence. Then the Doctor croaked, "You're right." Bill looked up and was surprised to find unshed tears shining in his eyes. "I...I don't usually do this whole 'talking' thing. I don't know what to say next."
Bill smiled. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Like I said, my mouth's got a mind of its own sometimes."
The Doctor smiled at that, but another tear blinked into his eye. He wiped it before Bill could see.
"I've been alive a long time," he said. "Lost a lot of people. Made a lot of bad choices. That's...that's what I was trying to say earlier on the Thames. It came out wrong. I got defensive…"
"Don't worry about it," Bill said, shaking her head. She looked back up at him. "Seriously though, are you okay?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, yes. I can fall into moods sometimes. When...when I start thinking about everything. Lately, especially, I've been thinking about River."
Bill asked, "Did you lose her recently?"
The Doctor nodded silently. "Not recently in human time, but for me it was like yesterday." He sighed and wiped at his eyes again. This time, he laughed at himself. "Look at me. It's like I've got Wonder Woman's lasso of truth around me tonight. I don't usually talk about this with anyone."
Bill smiled. "I like it, though. Being able to talk like this. I've...never really had that before. I can't talk to my foster mum about anything."
"I like it, too." The Doctor rolled his eyes at himself. "Don't tell Nardole that. He'll start thinking he's Dr. Phil."
"I won't," Bill laughed. "Promise."
They shared another smile before the Doctor sat up straight, clapping his hands on the table. "I shouldn't be keeping you up so late. Early to bed, early to rise…"
"Are the two things which I most despise," Bill finished with a smirk. The Doctor quirked an eyebrow. "Just kidding."
She came around the desk and kissed his cheek. "Later, granddad."
Bill froze. The Doctor's wide eyes were locked on hers. "Sorry," she stammered, "I meant...I was saying one thing, another came out, that kind of thing."
The Doctor lowered his eyes. "Bill."
"Seriously, I didn't mean…"
"Bill," he said, turning up to her with a playful grin. "It's fine."
Bill cringed at herself and grabbed her bag. "See you tomorrow." She hurried to the door.
"Later, granddaughter," the Doctor said.
Bill turned and smiled broadly before disappearing into the hallway.