Ok I know I have two other fics,but tbh I have been writing this since Ste found Brendan's necklace. Its mixed canon/non canon throughout. Rated M for later chapters.

Summary: Ste finds Brendan's cross and immediately starts wearing it to keep Brendan close. During the next couple of years he begins to get on with his life with Brendan not far from his thoughts. After a phone call to Cheryl he's suspicious and travels to Ireland to find out what's going on. Unbeknownst to Ste at the same time Brendan will be on his way to Hollyoaks to tell him he's been released...

No idea if this story is any good so please have a read and let me know if you think I should continue this or not. :) x x

Second Chance at Forever

Ste is sat looking at the necklace in his hands, staring at it. Ste has no idea how it came to be in the flat all this time, he wished he'd known. He knew he had once had it though. Ste recalls them talking about it, the night in Dublin. Where he and Brendan had shared their most romantic moment together on The Liffey Bridge. The night had been a blur of making up for precious lost time, reacquainting through raw passion, after arriving back at the hotel they had let their bodies do the talking. Ste can still remember his smell, the taste of his skin and the way they just didn't stop kissing.

It was only when they'd fallen into each others arms, just held onto each other that Ste had even noticed it was missing. Brendan's cross, he never took it off, ever. Ste was puzzled and had to find out where it was.

"Bren, where is your cross?" Ste asked as he trailed his loose fingers through Brendan's chest hair, it glistened from the sweat formed there after their third time of making up.

"Mmm? Oh that, ye should know Steven, I gave it to ye" Brendan had his eyes closed, listening to the sweet sounds of Ste's breathing, he'd missed that sound. It changed its rate as Ste moved to sit up and rested his arm across Brendan's chest. Brendan smirked, eyes still closed knowing Ste was staring intently at him. "What?"

"I don't have your cross, why would I?"

Brendan opened his eyes lazily and blinked in confusion then shrugged angling his body a little. "Oh, well I did give it to ye, um after the crash"

"Really? That's odd, I don't ever remember seeing it"

"Well ye was asleep when I placed it on your hand Steven"

Ste scratched his head and watched as Brendan close his eyes again, he was sleepy and he couldn't blame him, they hadn't stopped for breath once the hotel room had closed behind them. Ste smiled and kissed over Brendan's lips a few times enticing him into a deeper one. Their mouths moulded together, lips bouncing softly with each kiss. Ste moaned when he felt Brendan's tongue brush wet against his, he was so happy. The next morning had been the sweetest he'd ever woken up to, once he watched Brendan bring him his breakfast in bed.

Ste had never found the cross; assumed maybe the staff in the hospital had moved the chain and it had been lost. It's only now he has it in his hand he understands, Doug must have had it all along and perhaps hidden it away. He can see why he did it, always was blind jealous of Brendan, and he had every right to be. He's angry now though, all that time it was in the flat. Ste doesn't realise he's fisting the chain into his balled hand, squeezing hard so the cross digs in to his flesh, so hard he fails to see its cut the skin. A little blood trickles over his palm and down to his wrist.

Then the pain finally registers, finally hurts but he doesn't care, it's nice to feel anything. He stopped feeling the day after Brendan was taken away. If he concentrated enough and touches the pads of his finger tips across his lips he can still feel the kiss. It hadn't been long enough, dragged away before they could have a proper kiss, a kiss made for them, the ones that take your breath away before your lips even touch.

"Ste? What have you done?" Danny rushes to the kitchen grabbing a tee towel and the first aid kit. He settles down next to Ste who just stares blankly at him, through him like he's not recognised Danny is even there, until he opens up his palm.

Ste looks down into his hand and sees the cross covered in his blood and Danny takes his arm gently guiding him off the sofa and walks them over to the sink, rinses it off under the tap, lets the cold water run over the cut and it stings. Ste winces and it seems to wake him up from the trance he was in.

"Dad? What are you doing here?"

"It's my home Ste, I've come in and found you like this, look at your hand"

Ste looks down at the cross and a tear appears and rolls down his cheek, he swallows the lump in his throat because if he doesn't and let's go he will end up a wreck.

"It..." He sighs a long breath "It's Brendan's"

A tee towel dries the necklace and a plaster heals the wound. Ste walks over to a mirror and watches himself place the cross around his neck. Thumbs over it and closes his eyes and he can picture Brendan wearing it, the way it always nestled into his chest hair, and gleamed when the light bounced off it.

Danny's standing behind him now and Ste looks up at him with reddened pained eyes. "Ste, who is Brendan? I know it's hard, with losing Doug. Sometimes you have to let it out, let the emotions out. Let me in, let me help you"

"I did love Doug" It was just a different love, a way to not be alone, not to face the half life he'd been given when Brendan left. He was always going to be half a person now though. No one else completes him. "He was a good man, he put up with me, loved me, even though he knew the truth"

"What truth? And he knew you loved him Ste, of course he did"

"I just didn't want to be alone, you know? I couldn't bare it when he left me, my heart was ripped from my chest, and I could hardly breathe. Once or twice I didn't even want too"

Danny guides them over to the sofa and sits Ste down again. "He didn't leave you Ste, he died. It was a tragic accident and I get you feel alone now, but time is a..."

Ste laughs then, a sick manic laugh that has Danny looking at him puzzled. "Don't yeah...don't you tell me that time is a great healer. Time just makes it worse, time keeps you thinking, remembering. Stupid thoughts and feelings you wish you could switch off for one moment." Ste stands up and begins to pace the room quickly, the cross swinging and banging at his chest.

"But it doesn't...ever...stop" Ste taps at his temple and glares down at Danny who is worried "It keeps on and on driving you insane!"

"Ste please!" Danny moves and hugs onto Ste tightly, and Ste hangs his head close trying to battle through the stinging tears at the back of his eyes. "I'm sorry" Ste whispers and takes in a deep breath, the lump in his throat hurts more each time he does.

Danny moves him out and holds him by his arms curling his head under trying to catch Ste's gaze. He fights to look up, doesn't want to show off his swollen eyes. "Don't ever apologise, I just want to help you. Make me understand"

"This..." Ste holds aloft the shiny cross "Belongs to the only man I have ever loved"

Ste watches Danny's confusion and he sighs and settles down on the sofa next to him. "Remember I told you, only two people believed in me one was dead and one was in prison?"

"OH...right so Brendan, he's in prison?"

Ste nodded "Yes, he's doing time for murder, except it wasn't him that did it" Ste saw Danny's face and right then he knew he couldn't do this anymore and excused himself. Danny tried to convince him to speak more but it just was too tiring going over the painful thoughts. He takes himself up to his room and sits hard on his bed lying there and thumbing over the cross. He closes his eyes and remembers.

Pictures it swinging over him when Brendan was on top and pushed in deep between his thighs,noone else made him orgasm like Brendan. Ste would sometimes grab the cross in his lips or teeth, when it dangled into his nose or eyes. He tucks it under his t shirt now, where it will stay forever, and a way to keep the man he loves more than life with him, a little part that will always protect and bring him luck. He'll never take it off.

The funeral is today and Ste tries to be strong for everyone else, doesn't think about himself. As he places the shirt on he buttons it up to cover Brendan's cross, it gives him strength to get through this day, to say goodbye to his husband. Tucking the shirt into his trousers Ste wraps the suit jacket on and looks back at Danny who's asking Leela of all people to accompany him. He doesn't want her there though because she obviously can't stand the idea and is being railroaded into it. Ste screams inside his head, like he doesn't have enough to deal with right now.

Leela eventually agrees and Ste is thankful Sinead is there too, he really needs his best mate with him and Leah, with them by his side he'll be ok and he'll get through this, Ste brushes his hand against his shirt and the cross cools at his skin, his eyes close for a brief moment until he hears an American accent and his eyes flick open and see Doug's mum. Why is she giving him a hard time, at his funeral of all places, Ste just wants the whole day over with, so he can curl up.

Once the funeral is over he attends the wake. Everyone is there as he tries to make small talk and get through it the best he can. Doug's mum gives him a ring that was his grandmothers for Leah when she is older, it's a kind gesture and Ste thanks her. Ste makes his way home, Amy is waiting for him outside the deli in a taxi, here to take the kids back again. Amy hugs Ste closely and whispers to him how sorry she is Doug is gone and adds he was a good man and they were meant to be together.

"It will get better you know?" Amy whispers as she tightens her hold of Ste, allowing Leah to get into the taxi behind her.

"Will it? Cause right now it feels like the walls are closing in on me Ames" Ste manages to stay composed after the days events have drained all his borrowed strength.

"I know it's hard, I get it Ste and..."

Ste laughs and shakes his head at her "No Ames ya don't get it, I miss him, I want his arms around me and protecting me from all this, I felt safe in his arms"

"I'm sorry Ste, Doug was..."

Ste exasperates motioning to the blue cloud filled sky above him "NO, I mean Brendan! I hate him for leaving me to face everything alone"

"Oh please tell me you are joking? You have just buried your husband and you're thinking of HIM, a murderer! Have you forgotten what he did to you Ste? He destroyed you!"

"He completed me Ames, and he changed. You just didn't ever give him chance to prove it" Ste has had enough of this same mundane conversation, he's sure Amy has rehearsed it so she can just spout it out whenever the fancy takes her.

Amy must read Ste's thoughts or something because she instantly looks at the ground and sighs heavy. What does she expect, Amy knew his true feelings. Ste was teary saying goodbye to Leah and Lucas again, asking Amy to see them again as soon as possible and she nodded in agreement before giving Ste another hug and chased kiss on the cheek.

He now is climbing the stairs in Brendan's old flat and walking into his bedroom. Ste jumps on the bed and lays down staring at the ceiling. And he's been laid here a while now, thinking about Doug and the funeral. It was over a few hours ago now so it's still raw. He wonders if he is a bad person replacing his thoughts now with those of Brendan. The cross jolted so many emotions, but truth was he always thought about Brendan. He was never given any opportunity to show that though,silenced with people expecting him to move on quicker than he wanted too. Just now, on the day he buried his husband, he does feel a pang of guilt.

Ste thinks about his kids and how grateful he is to still have them around, plus he does have his new family, and to be honest it's hard not to miss them. Ste is grateful Danny is here now. It might take some getting used to but still it's something he never had growing up, this will be a new start. Leela is proving hard work, although at the funeral there had been a breakthrough, when she and Sinead sang and made things that bit easier.

The tie around his neck begins to tighten and strangles Ste so he shakes it loose before throwing it across the room; it curls through the air before it lands and Ste throws his legs off the bed, takes off his suit jacket suddenly sick of the clothes he's wearing and just needs to rid himself of them now.
He's left with his shirt which he unbuttons and leaves hung either side, material drifting off his sun kissed hips.

Ste stands before a better mirror now, one he can see his full body and again he strokes the cross that hangs against his chest. Brendan he sighs whispering and thinking to himself, if he concentrates hard enough, just maybe he will be able to hear his thoughts for him. Brendan sat in his cell, on his bed; he thinks hard licking his lips. I miss you. He says.

I wish you could hear me

Brendan had been inside a few months before he made the decision to contact Cheryl. He'd be adamant to go it alone, serve out his time and just accept the way his life had ended up. The night on the balcony he had made the choice to go out with the full intention of ending his life. Brendan was going to be without Ste, therefore his life has ceased to exist couldn't live without him. His idea hadn't gone according to plan.

Instead he was arrested and made to say goodbye in a hospital to the man he loved. And it hadn't been a proper goodbye; he'd tried to be strong for Ste, kept his emotions together while Ste broke his heart in front of him. Inside he was dying, his heart had twisted into a mangled mess inside his chest, and it barely beat anymore. "I'll never feel any differently about you" those words played over and over in Brendan's mind everyday. Part of him hoped it was true, it still was for him. Steven was in his mind from morning till lights out.

It kept him sane in an insane world. Life in prison was dull, made up of routine and survival. Brendan was lucky in some respects, was able to hold his own if anyone brought trouble. He was shocked who he'd bumped into not long after arriving. Warren Fox was a cocky sod when he'd smirked and strolled over to Brendan in the prison yard. Leaning up against the wall Brendan had lowered his gaze from the sky and tilted his head at him and couldn't help a chuckle of his own.

"Foxy, fancy seeing ye in here?" Brendan drawled stroking his thumb and forefinger down his moustache.

"Brady, ha ha. This is delicious. Heard you offed ya old man? Nice" Warren cackled and shook his head as Brendan pictured himself knocking the smile off his face.

"And the rest Foxy, I'm surprised ye don't recall, seen as ye were with me at the time eh?" Brendan folded his arms as anger rose in his chest. Warren was the last person he wanted to spend his time with. It's like sods law followed him everywhere he went.

"Ah Danny, yeah those were crazy days back then." Warren wagged his finger at Brendan "You still got the club?"

"Ye know, I didn't come in here to make small talk?" Brendan's arms lifted in defence making Warren back of a little "Why don't ye skip along with ye mates"

"Don't be stupid Brady, you're in here for a long time, you're gonna need all the mates you can get. Trust me; it's not a walk in the park being in here"

Brendan widened his eyes and stepped closer to Warren flicking his head "And there's me thinking we'd sit round a campfire making daisy chains"

"See ya still haven't learnt how to smile and chill out, reckon we'll have fun in here" Warren saluted two fingers at Brendan and left him alone again with his thoughts.

Brendan turned his whole body around and watched him walk away taking a big sigh. He was grateful he knew someone, even if it was Warren Fox of all people.

A month has passed now and Ste decided he has to get on with his life somehow, try and be happy and for once stop the tears from falling. He's so physically drained his body fells detached from his head at times, and he has to drag it along try and get some normality back. Something to keep his mind busy and his bank balance ticking over. No matter how much his new family life is appealing, Ste wants to get his own place again one day, so he will need some more capital.

Ste has a quick breakfast fighting over the last piece of toast with Leela, she gives him evils when he gets to it faster and stuffs it into his grinning mouth humming and licking the butter off his lips. He kind of hopes it won't always be this hard with her, but he won't hold his breath just yet. He leaves the flat and strolls down the concrete steps to go back into work again. His gaze is interrupted.

As he stands and looks over at The Loft something else is bubbling, deep inside the pit of his stomach he still wants it, still wants to own the club, if he could buy it, he'd be closer to Brendan and the memories he has of them in there.

Can't be achieved without his deli open for service so that's precisely what he does, opens it and works there a few days before almost pulling his hair out. He can't cope alone. He needs help in there, luckily he has a best friend who is more than willing to help out and who needs money too. Sinead and Ste are the perfect team working in the deli, Ste cooking and Sinead serving. Ste spends time showing her how to make things, how to bake to make pastries and cakes. It's not so hard to learn and Sinead does really well with it.

Before Ste knows it a year has passed by, the deli is thriving,he has money and can call himself comfortable for the first time in years. Sinead still helps at the deli, Katie is growing up quickly. Leah and Lucas stay over more now, and Ste loves being a dad more than anything. Amy finally allowing them to stay every other month. She had seen first hand how Ste had worked so hard to achieve a good business and be able to provide for his kids. It had been a tight squeeze at Brendan's old flat but they somehow just managed.

Every time Ste walked past the club he'd stop and look up at the balcony, trying not to remember the last time he saw Brendan stood there, more older memories of him stood watching down upon him. Ste always knew when he was doing it; the hairs on the back of his neck would prick up and send sparks through his body. Ste smiled then, it had been a long time since he'd been in there, but now he found himself drawn to the place and walked up the metal stairs. He guessed Trevor or Frasier would be there but he didn't care, he just wanted to have a look, bask in the goose bumps the place brought.

Ste called out when he walked in; lights were on but the place empty. He stroked his fingers gently over the bar as he walked past resting his back up against it. If he closed his eyes he could picture a time he and Brendan worked there together, the way he'd lean up against the office doorway folded arms shirt sleeves folded up high so his muscles would be more defined. That look of lust they'd give each other across the club, no one else existed, didn't matter who was around them, Brendan looked at him and he'd melt.

Pushing his body off the bar he walked over to the office looking around and calling out for anyone, it was silent; he was for all intense purposes alone. The office looked the same, the same chair, he moved to sit down in it again, did a spin resting his feet down with a jolt to stop himself. The last time he sat here, it he was meant to be swanning off for a life in America, instead he went to be with the love of his life. Ste has no regrets, his thumb and forefinger drag out the cross that hasn't left his skin for over a year now, and he strokes it and thinks of Brendan. 'I love you still.'

"Who do you love Ste? And why are you sat in my office?" Ste is immediately thrown from his deep thoughs looking up. Trevor is stood in the doorway face like thunder arms folded across his chest, obviously looking for a fight. Ste isn't scared of Trevor though, squared up to him times before.

"Brendan's office actually, and as so, he wouldn't mind me being sat in here, in fact he'd insist." Ste replied placing the cross back under his t shirt and scowling up at Trevor.

"Ste stop being a cocky runt and move, before I make ya" Trevor moves forward and Ste stands then, can't be bothered with another bully, had enough of those in his life. He walks around the desk making sure he barges past Trevor knocking him over a little.

"Someone else has already bought it anyway" Ste stopped dead in the doorway and pivoted round to look at Trevor glancing back at him. He was the cocky runt now and Ste felt anger rise up in his chest.

"What? I thought this was Frasier's place now?"

"Nah, now Claire is gone, he wants out; some silent buyer has come in and bought the place"

"Why didn't you ask me? I wanted this club!" Ste seethed up into Trevor's face not caring about the consequences of doing so. Tremors rippled through his bones, adrenaline pumped to the max, he was unhappy and pissed off. Yet again he had lost a chance of owning the place he and Brendan had so many memories in.

"I'll pay more, I'll match it" Ste had no money able to match it, but if he could prolong the deal maybe he could somehow find the money. A loan, or if he worked every hour god sent until he could raise the capital needed.

"Don't make me laugh; you don't have that kind of money! And besides the buyer adamant he'd pay more each bigger offer. You've lost the place deal with it"

"He...He who?" Ste moved closer to Trevor looking for an answer, maybe he could talk to them direct, and come to a deal then.

"He she, they, all I know is they have money"

"Chez..." Ste chokes as he whispers her name.

"What?"

"Nothing, I have to go now" Ste replied backing out of the club and rushing down the stairs. He bangs the wooden doors shut resting up hard against them. His leg bends at the knee and kicks back hard at the doors once, twice a third time that pushes his body up and off into a determined sprint back to the deli again. There are some customers in there and Ste isn't interested in the niceties of the customer is always right, instead he throws them all out slamming the door shut behind them, the shop sign swings around to closed as he huffs down on the window seat resting his aching head in his palms.

"What is it Ste?" Sinead tugs off her apron tossing it to one side and joins him on the seat. Some of the disgruntled customers are stood looking back into the window looking and pointing at Ste complaining of the way they were treated. Sinead gestures to them to move along and when they do Ste seems to be ready to talk at last.

"I just miss him, you know, it's been a couple of years now, and he's still in here driving me bloody crazy" Ste feels drained being in the club and having it within a inch of his grasp only to have lost it again drives him crazy.

"Doug you mean? He died a year ago Ste, not two?" Sinead reaches out her hand and holds onto Ste's arm rubbing it as a way of calming him.

"No, not Doug, look it doesn't matter." It's like playing a stuck record over and over, Ste is sick of people assuming it's all about Doug, it isn't, and it never was. "Look why don't you go home, I'll tidy up, close the place early just for today yeah?"

"I don't want to leave you, you're obviously upset Ste"

"I'll never be happy till he's back where he belongs, by my side as well as in my heart." Ste pushes against his top where the cross lies and presses it down hard against his chest and closes his eyes.

"Ste...Who?"

"Brendan, the only man I have ever loved"

"Babe, sorry to sound harsh but, Brendan is in prison" Sinead replies like it's a revelation.

Ste pushes Sinead off his arm and stands up in a huff turning around and quickly gesturing his hand to her. "Why do people say that to me like I don't know? I live it every day!"

"Sorry Ste" Sinead lowers her head, if she could help she would do. "It's been a long time; do you ever think of contacting him again?"

Ste sighs glancing around the deli angry then shakes his head and sits back down again. "I have written to him, I had loads of letters at home, the ones that were returned to me in the beginning, and the ones I wrote but never posted" Sinead has never seen Ste looking so saddened, she can see his heart breaking, and feels helpless not being able to do anything for her best mate.

"Chez please do we have to go through this every visit?" Brendan is tired of the same converse he has to have every one of Cheryl's visits. It's been a little over a year now, and every night and day he's spent away from Ste he's died a little inside. Told Ste to forget him, move on live his life. How could he have asked that of him when he can barely manage to do it himself.

When he'd found out Ste and Doug had reconciled he hadn't taken it well, couldn't bare knowing that his hands would be on his man, touching him. Drove him completely crazy. He'd allowed Cheryl to visit eventually, after the first few months, wanted to know how Steven was and if he was coping. He sat there and listened to the news and it filtered like poison coursing through his veins. Brendan wasn't naive enough to think Ste would never find another person to be with,but why did it have to be Doug of all people?

They had lawyers working on an appeal, said it could take years to sort out and Brendan wasn't holding his breath. He only agreed to it for Cheryl's sake, she had wanted to use her money to some good and paid for an exceptional lawyer. Brendan had left them to sort it out amongst themselves, didn't believe for one moment it would ever come to anything. He sits here now hands rested in front of him staring at them, thought's of Ste clouding his mind so much he half heartedly listens to anything Cheryl even says to him. She knows though, it's written on his face, but mostly within his blue eyes, Cheryl knows Brendan still loves Ste. Just makes her frustrated he wont pick up the phone and contact him.

"Babe, ask to see him, why put yourself through this torture huh?" Cheryl wiped away another tear that fell against her foundation on her cheeks smudging it slightly.

"He's better off without me, he has Douglas now, his husband, doesn't need me wreaking that" Brendan felt his skin itch with a pain that spread out all over and consumed him, made him feel weak and worthless.

"Love, Doug is dead. He died in an explosion at the flat, Ste was trapped...I didn't tell ye because..."

"What!" Brendan stood up so quickly the metal scratched against the tiles loud enough to make the majority of the room wince in disgust at the noise. The chair flew backwards and the guards moved forwards determining whether Brendan was being aggressive or not. "Why didn't ye tell me? Is he Ok? Is Steven Ok damn it!" His fist hit the desk and that was it the guards were on him holding him back in a choke hold. Cheryl held her arms up and cried.

"Please, don't hurt him! Bren, Ste is Ok, he got out babe! I promise he is fine and working at the deli" Cheryl sobbed as Brendan struggled. The guards dragged him away while Cheryl rested her head into her arms.

"Stop staring at me!" Brendan threw himself on the metal bed and punched the wall with his fist hard, it hurt like hell, but he didn't care.

"Jesus what's rattled your cage now?" Warren rolled his eyes, he was used to Brendan's quick temper having seen it on more than one occasion during their time inside. Warren slowly moved down his legs to dangle off the top bunk and held on to the metal of the bed leaning his head down to look over Brendan twisting the reddened knuckles of his damaged hand in the air as if it fascinated him.

"What the hell do ye care anyway? We're meant to be sworn enemies remember?" They had been, however over the last year they'd been thick as thieves, looking out for each other and eventually coming to an understanding. They wouldn't admit to being buseum buddies by any standards.

"Yeah and I hate your guts, but in here people like us Brady, we gotta stick together to survive"

Brendan sighed "I saw Chez..."

"Ah, sexy Cheryl huh, shame she's married now eh? I'd have my way...Fuck Brady!" Warren felt his ankles being yanked down and he was thrown to the floor harshly, Brendan was choke holding him on the floor in seconds. His face seethed into Warren's shocked gaze.

"Don't Foxy, don't ye ever talk about Chez" Brendan pushed Warren's head back on the floor before relenting and moved back to lie on the bed.

Warren climbed back to his feet rubbing at his throat and twisting his head around in a circle cracking it,he sighs and makes his way back to the bunk "Look I'm sorry yeah? Just been years mate, boys are blue. It's Ok for you, enough meat flying about in here to keep you satisfied"

"Eloquently put Foxy, and I'm not interested in a meaningless fuck."

"Wow, Brady I never thought I'd see it happen, still head over heels in love with him huh?" Warren held his hands up when Brendan dared him to speak about Steven and moved to sit down again on the bed. "I'm just having a conversation with ya, you really need to take a chill pill. I mean don't you even miss talking about him?"

Brendan rested his arms behind his head. "I didn't tell Chez" he heard the gasp breeze out of Warren's mouth and then saw him shift his legs over the side of the bed again.

"Wait, why wouldn't you tell her you could be out in a year? Chez could've told Ste and..." Warren stopped speaking when a thump emulated from the bottom bunk. "I was just saying. You are such a moody twat sometimes"

"He is better off without me, to live his life in peace"

"Yeah yeah OK, so if you don't want to be a part of Ste's life, why go back to Hollyoaks again eh?" Warren has to be a cocky so and so, and he smirks pleased with himself, it's a damn good question with a valid point. Brendan hates him.

"I'm not doing...at first anyway...

"Why?"

Brendan is done with this conversation, it hurts too much thinking of what he had for too short a time "Just because, and let's shut up about it. Else ye wont be waking up again in the morning" His eyes feel heavy after the earlier events, as they close the picture that's imprinted permanently behind his eyelids is there calming him once more. His Steven.

"Chez?" Ste's voice quivers a little, it has been a long time since he dialled this number, and will she even remember him.

"STE?! Oh my god babe I can't believe it's ye!" Cheryl remembers, of course she does. How could she forget the love of her brothers' life, the one she broke in two the day she allowed her brother to take the wrap for her so she could go live in a fancy mansion on a fancy estate, with fancy money no doubt. He hopes the crappy garden is overgrown with weeds and looks like a jungle.

"Hi, it's been a long time I know..." He just couldn't forgive her for the longest time that's all. Time is a great healer they say though. He scoffs at that.

"Oh Ste, it's lovely to hear your voice babe, how have you been?" A wreck. Half a person living in a world he's had to cope with through auto pilot. "I've been good, plodding along like ya do"

"I heard about Doug, oh love I am so sorry"

"Yeah, must be me eh? I keep losing the men in my life I love"

"Ste I need to talk to ye about..." Cheryl's voice teeters off somewhat, Ste thinks he's got an idea what she was going to say though.

"Chez be honest with me, have you bought the club back again?"

"No love I haven't, why would I?"

Ste sighs,he was sure he got it right. Was sure it had been Cheryl. "The club has a new secret buyer and apparently it's someone who has money, unlimited cash flow, so I thought as you are...

"Comfortable, I'd want to buy a club in Hollyoaks even though I never live there? No Ste it's not me love, sorry"

Ste fumbles with the hem of his t shirt, has been the duration of the call, a little piece of stray cotton that has now unravelled half the material. "I...um...I still miss him. I still..." A sigh trembles off his lips as he closes his eyes "He's in my thoughts you know, sometimes"

"Yeah babe, he's in my thoughts too"

"Has he ever, been in touch, you know just so I know he's ok,safe?" He hopes so, still angry with him but he hopes he is safe, untouched in the prison cell he calls home.

"I'm his next of kin so if anything happened I'd be first to know and he's ok, he's...ok" Cheryl's voice breaks and Ste's nerves twitch, what is she not telling him.

"Sounds like you know for sure Chez? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No babe, I'm not keeping anything from ye" It's a lie, Ste knows it right off, but he doesn't challenge. What's the point, just another thing he's been left out of the loop about, he's used to this treatment from Brendan.

"Right,Whatever...I'd best go... " Ste says tired and done in from trying.

"Ste! Wait um, ye should come visit? I'd love to see you again" Cheryl goes quiet then adding "He still loves ye..."

"What?" Ste feels his heart practically leap out of his mouth, could it be true, does Brendan still really love him after all this time. He loves him too, so much it kills him everyday he can't be with him. "Wait, how do you..." How does Cheryl even know this.

"I have to go babe, come and see me, real soon, love ye babe,miss ye too" Cheryl's voice cracks and sounds like she is fighting tears back the more she speaks.

"Miss you too Chez" He does miss her sometimes, as they were once so close, like a family, the three of them had finally got it right until it was all cruelly taken away. "And Chez...I still love him too"

Ste throws the phone across the room and sobs, sliding to his knees. Has Cheryl been visiting him in prison, without even so much as an invite for him? Ste curses himself for once again letting Brendan get into his head. The cold metal that hangs around his neck reminds him how he really feels though. As he rubs it through his finger and thumb Ste makes the decision to stop living in the past, he will never feel any differently about him, but he has to move on at some point. Ste makes himself believe it's the only thing he can do now because it's not like he will ever see Brendan again.

Is it?

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