Ecstasy
A/N: *Muse* I am going to put up links to my blog for this and you can check out some of the tattoos and the clothes and even some of the poses that they are in and ill also have up the music inspirations on there so every chapter has a title well it's the name of a song so please check them out and I'm also looking for a beta if anyone is interested.
Chapter One: Lithium –Evanescence
BPOV
I closed my eyes at the bright light that was now pouring threw my window. It was another morning I had to live without her. I moved up here to escape it but it still wasn't enough, I would never forget that day no matter how long I lived. It would always be burned into the back of my mind and I would question it. Could I have ever stopped her? The answer was yes but I was stupid and childish. Leah was my best friend in the entire world and I let her destroy herself in front of my eyes, never once questioning her or talking to someone.
I groaned and got up off of my bed and walked over to my bedroom and gently put my fingertips against the cool glass. Snow was falling and families were outside walking and playing in the snow, little children laughing and content couples giving each other Eskimo kisses and holding hands while they walked on the sidewalks towards work or even just to shop. Of course I envied them because they had someone else but not because I thought they were problem free. I was better then the stupid people out there that thought they were the only ones going threw a hard time. The truth was that everyone was going threw their own personal demons and we all had to go threw them and help each other instead of being asses to each other and blaming it on that. I opened up the door and stepped out into the freezing cold, it was welcomed though.
"I miss you" I felt the wind come at me and lift my hair up, I let out a shiver but it wasn't because of the cold. It was always like Leah was here waiting for me, guiding me and keeping me safe and I welcomed the feeling whenever the wind came. It was her favorite natural thing. Wind made every thing happen. It made flowers pollinate when bees didn't. It also made the sea smell nice when you got the sea breeze and it felt nice while you rode on a motorcycle and you felt the wind in your hair. It made you feel free yet safe at the same time. I smiled and lit up a cigarette and sat down on one of the chairs I had outside. Thank god it wasn't wet or I would have been pissed. I didn't like smoking inside because it made my apartment smell funny and then the walls started to get yellow from the smoke. I took a deep breath and I started to relax a bit and crossed one arm around myself while the other held my smoke. I blew out and it was a nice steady stream of smoke. I used to be able to do tricks with it but I wasn't in the mood right now.
I let my memory take me back to the day that I last saw Leah. I already knew that I would be crying by the end of this memory but I had to replay it every so often which made me hold onto her even closer. Every time though I would analyze what I could of done differently.
Flash back
I got in my car after I told Charlie I was heading to Leah's house so that we could go to the movies since we had planned this a few weeks ago and it was the weekend finally. We were spending this weekend together because her Crush Jacob black had finally asked her out after I told him that he should pretty soon. He of course liked her back and was too afraid to be rejected by her. I loved playing match maker especially when you could see that both of them were infatuated with each other. I smiled and finally drove down towards the reservation and started looking to see her street. I was seriously blind as a bat when it came to these things and numerous times I had past it. Finally I found it on my second time around and drove up. I saw her house and the light was on but I didn't see any cars. I pulled up and saw Leah and her dad fighting on the front lawn, the had just come from the back yard and her mother rushed from the house and tried to calm them down.
"Why are you acting like this sweetie" her mother was frantic for an answer and I turned off the engine and went to get out but she was walking towards a car that was on the street.
"You ask your so called husband alright" she screamed at her mother which was way out of character for her. She never raised her voice to anyone except for jerks or stupid people who didn't get something that was so stupid. She swung up the door to her car and got in and drove off in a hurry. I saw her mom start crying and she was asking her husband what was going on. I knew that her dad was a total jerk and was always yelling and nagging her but then again it really didn't matter to her because he wasn't her dad but just a step dad. I started up the engine of my old Chevy and started following her and I honked a few times to get her to pull over but I had no such luck. Finally after we got to the la push first beach she stopped. I saw her race out of the car and I did the same and tried to run after her but she was faster and I started tripping.
I ran all the way down to the beach where her footprints lead but I didn't see her anywhere. I was looking around frantically for her. She never went here unless she really wanted an adrenaline rush and cliff dive but she knew never to go alone or you would pretty much die. Especially now that the waves were crashing against the rocks violently and a storm was brewing. I looked up to see her; she was in her white dress that she was going to wear for her date with Jacob. I figured she ran out and the fight broke out while she was trying it on. Her beautiful hair flowing in the wind and I saw her look down at the water once and back up.
"Leah No just stay there!" I pleaded with her and put my arms up to signal I was here and I started running towards the cliff. She didn't even pay attention to me but by the looks of it her mouth was moving like she was chanting to herself. I ran up the steps of the cliff, thank god they installed these for easy access to those who wanted to dive. I kept screaming at the top of my lungs for her to stay right there. I knew what she was going to do. She was going to jump.
"Leah please don't" I asked but she didn't listen and I finally to the top and she didn't even move when I started to go towards her slowly.
"Bella I am so sorry" she was crying and so was I now. She turned around slowly and I could see her mascara was ruined, her mascara dripping down her eyes.
"Just come over here and we will sort it all out ok" I asked again and took another step closer to her but that only made her take a step back so I quickly took a step back from her which made her come closer thank god.
"NO I cant, he'll have me again and he won't stop" she shrieked no and told me. I didn't understand. Who was the he that was going to have her again, I never knew that she was having sex with anyone or dating someone and I doubt Jacob drove her to do this.
"Then tell me what's wrong so I can fix it" I told her and put my arms up to show I wasn't going to do anything. She started visibly shaking and kept shaking her head no.
"It's already been done. Just listen, when everything is over I want you to tell your father to look at the note I left under the left leg of my desk and you to look at the right one. My own step father did this to me Bella. I thought he was just being flirty at first to get me to like him and then it escaladed one night when mom was gone. He touched me with his filthy hands" she was crying uncontrollably.
"He told me not to tell or else so I didn't and he kept it up repeatedly until today when he tried to touch me and I shrieked and smacked him. I couldn't do it anymore. When he saw me in the dress he told me I looked like a whore and that Jacob never would want me once he knew I had been deflowered by my own step father and he was going to take me away from my mother and keep doing this" she cried and turned back towards the cliff and stepped forward.
"I love you Leah and he won't ever touch you again" I couldn't believe that her own father had raped her over and over again. I felt the tears burn in my eyes and I reached my hand out towards her but she kept shaking her head no. I screamed and everything started in slow motion. She lifted her head and arms then took one step and it all went down hill. I could hear my own blood curdling scream. She had stepped off the cliff and now was plunging down through the icy air towards the even colder water. The breath was knocked out of me as I stared at her as the waves started crashing over her now. I couldn't move though. Now as fast as I could I threw off my jacket and everything else that would weigh me down and I ran back a few yards then sprinted off towards the edge of the cliff and I put my arms forward and I dived towards the water. The cold air nipped at my flesh and I stared down, the raging water was smashing up against the rocks.
I finally plunged into the water and it felt like a thousand knives all over my body. The sharp pain was the only thing that kept me stunned for a moment until I finally adjusted within a matter of seconds and opened my eyes and scanned the water looking for Leah. I finally found her just floating then grabbed her and started trying to swim upward, her weight plus the current was keeping me down. After a long struggle I finally pushed my head up out of the water and gasped for air. I had Leah's body draped over my back and I swam towards the shore. I could already see the police there and her parents. I don't think anyone else saw what happened. I swam and finally got to the shore and I collapsed on the sand but leaned over and started pushing Leah to wake up.
"Leah please" I was begging with all the strength I had left in my body. I saw my dad and he ran over and draped a blanket around my shoulders.
"Sweetheart can you tell me what happened" I looked behind him and saw her parents well her mom and the ass hole running towards us. I quickly got up and stood in front of Leah's body which now I assumed she was dead. She hadn't moved nor breathed since we got ashore. She had successfully killed herself. MY father was startled and I got in front of her mom and the jerk from reaching her.
"YOU can't come near her" I hissed at him and he just chuckled and went to go past me but I moved with him.
"Listen Bella I know that your sad but I want to see my daughter" he said actually trying to act concerned.
"Dad you can't let the murder come near her" I told him and my dad stared at me and then started apologizing for me to him. "She doesn't know what she's saying I'm sorry, this must be rough for you too see your little girl like this" he said and her mom was in fits.
"No dad please Leah killed herself because of him" I told him and pointed to her body "He touched her dad and she couldn't live with it anymore" I said sadly and I felt a fresh new batch of tears streaming down my face.
"You're a liar, I never touched her" he growled.
"Dad do a rape test and Leah said to go in her room, she left all the evidence there for you" I told him and he nodded. He knew I wouldn't lie about this.
"YOU FUCKER YOU KILLED HER" I screamed. Leah's mom flinched at my harsh words and I saw her eyes fill with even more tears and she quickly started walking away from her 'husband'.
"You said she misunderstood. You said you wouldn't do it again" she repeated firmly and I saw in his eyes the hideous monster he was when he laughed. I flung myself at him and pushed him down on the sand and started hitting him. My father quickly pulled me off of him and arrested him.
End flash back
I got up slowly from slouching and went back into the house and walked towards the kitchen and my coffee was done. It always started at a certain time in the morning so that it was there waiting for me. I took a sip of it, letting the aroma of French vanilla waft up into my nose. It smelled delicious. I was content for a moment and then walked to the bathroom. I look into the mirror and see Leah. I quickly turn around, my lungs are now constricting and I have a loss of breath. She's not there though.
Flash back
I was in all black now as I stared at the casket that held my dear friend. The priest was saying prayers and you could hear people crying and others murmuring. Everyone put a rose on her casket when he was finished. I didn't put my rose down until many people had started to walk away. I finally laid it down and now only her family was there.
"I love you Leah" I let the traitor tears that I told myself I wouldn't cry not yet in front of them again. I quickly grabbed my keys and got into the truck and drove away towards the cliff. Her note was on the passenger seat of my small truck and I pulled over on the high way and quickly opened it up.
Dear Belly,
You were the best friend someone could have and I'm just going to get to the point because you know how I hate to beat around the bush. Your going to go to Chicago or New York but hopefully Chicago and become that photographer that you know you can be. If not I'm coming back to haunt your ass. Anyways I don't want you to become depressed or anything after this. You have to move on like I did. I'm completely content now. I just wished that we could still be friends and have physical contact and be able to talk to each other directly but bitch I'm always going to be over your shoulder. Hell I think that I'm going to give your guardian angel a run for their money protecting you. Go to school, graduate, become a photographer, and mostly fall in love with someone and have kids and have a great life. Get a damn dog too if you have to. Also no drugs chick unless you're totally sucking face with some hottie and he just happens to exhale some in your throat. Drinking should be kept to a minimum unless you're totally bummed and then I'll be right next to you drinking what ever alcoholic drinks are in heaven.
All my love,
Leah Clearwater 3
End flash back
I remembered her letter so clearly. It was almost like she spoke to me herself when I remembered it. I look into the mirror again but see a shell of the person I used to be. I know that I am not myself but I can care less. I need Leah here with me. However I do have two great girl friends. Alice is amazing and so is Rosalie. We all actually work together after we met in college. Rosalie and Emmett are married and have a darling girl Hannah and Alice and Jasper are married. I was always a guest at the wedding. Those were private times for families. I pushed myself and walked back inside towards the bathroom. I eyed the mirror and I saw myself. I looked sinister almost evil.
"Your functioning fine without her" she whispered and I moved closer to the mirror.
"No I'm not. I'm dying inside without her. It's like I can't go on with some aspects of my life because I don't have closure I would have loved to talk to her myself" I screamed at the mirror. I felt like I was growling. I was so defensive and tense.
"Nope I think your fine without her your doing everything you wanted to do you never needed Leah" the reflection laughed at me. I didn't know what to say. The tears ran down my face. I heard a knock on the door but ignored it.
"Fuck You" I screamed at the mirror.
"Bella who's in there with you" the panic in Alice's voice was big. I could hear pounding on the door and I knew she would come in with the spare key in the plant next to the door.
"You never needed her and it was okay for her to die to die because of you. You never noticed and maybe it was because you never wanted to notice" I growled and picked up my fist and slammed it hard into the mirror effectively shattering the glass and image. It was like in slow motion and out of body experience. I watched as my hand smashed into the mirror glass cutting into my knuckles. I came back to my body feeling the pain in my hand. I grabbed some toilet paper and curled up on the ground holding the thick paper to my hand. The smell of blood was not doing me any good.
"Bella" I saw Alice at the entrance of the bathroom door and I looked down ashamed. I haven't had an episode this violent in a long time.
"Ali it's my fault" I brought my head down to my knees and sobbed. Her hand brushed threw my hair and she lifted my head up.
"Sweetie you're bleeding we need to get you to the hospital. My uncle will fix you up and its Christmas eve you should be happy" she helped me get up and changed into some sweat pants and a tank top. She threw my hair up and put a little makeup on me and got me into the car. We drove for about twenty minutes to the hospital. Alice had already called her uncle and he was ready to take us.
We got out and she rushed me to the emergency room and asked for . I was basically passed from the nurse to Alice to the nurse and then back to Alice as we got to the room. Dr. Cullen was very good looking tall and handsome. His eyes a bright golden color and his blonde hair brushed back. He looked muscular under his lab coat and work shirt.
"Hello Bella lets see your hand" he held out his hand and I hesitantly placed mine in his.
"Hi Dr. Cullen" I smiled weakly. He got rid of the blood and stitched up my hand back up. He took some ex rays and made sure nothing was broken and thank god nothing was.
"Just try not to use that hand for a few days" he smiled and Alice piped in yet again.
"Why don't you come over tomorrow Bella I know everyone is dying to have you there and we don't want you to spend Christmas alone again" she said loudly.
"Yes that sounds great Bella you should come over I know Esme would love to have you over. I cannot allow you to spend Christmas alone" he said confidently. I started stuttering an answer and sighed.
"Of course" I looked at Alice and she just smirked like her pixie self and skipped out the door. I got up and thanked Dr. Cullen and walked after Alice.
"Is this why you were so happy we were going to see your uncle so you could ensure that I would come to Christmas with your family" I asked and she shook her head. "No I wanted to make sure you would come to Christmas with your family" she smiled and hugged me.
"Were all sisters and your family weather you like it or not" she hit my arm and I flinched and we got into the car and headed over to the shoot. I of course got some amazing shots of Emmett and Rosalie. They were my best models since I've started shooting. I could count on them to do anything and I was still in shock that Rosalie's body looked flawless after she had Hannah. I walked off set for a bit.
"Alright Leah where should I start taking pictures" I walked around towards the woods and shot a few pictures of the local wildlife that was there. I was surprised we had some woods close to Chicago but apparently we did. I found a pair of adorable squirrels 'kissing' or whatever you want to call it and I shot a few photos of them. They ran off in the direction of the set so I adjusted my lens and saw them heading over to the silver Volvo that was parked. I took another picture then lifted my lens and was staring at the most gorgeous man on the planet. Tattoos up his arm bronze hair the whole business glasses thing and he was muscular and built.
"Thanks Leah for teasing me" I took a quick few shots and saw him talking to Emmett. Maybe he could introduce us or I could subtly ask for the guy's number. Shut up Swan!
"Just ask Bella" I could almost hear Leah whispering to me. I turned around and saw the wind blowing in the other direction. I shook my head. I knew it was Leah. I studied the fine specimen of a man. Beautiful and absolutely fuck worthy. To think this morning I was getting stitches and going threw an episode and now I'm all over this guy. I swear I may be bi polar. I groaned as he got back into his Volvo and drove around the bend and zoomed past me.
Great swan lost another one! Work on your game girl and go get laid.
These voices were getting annoying. I huffed and blew a piece of hair out of my face and went back to taking pictures. I got a great one of Rosalie and Emmett off set kissing and just staring into each other's eyes. I would have to make sure to develop it and give it to them later. As I suspected Emmett dragged them off to their trailer. Can you say time for another romp and baby making sessions? Last time they talked about their sex life it ended up in me trying to hurl and them wanting another kid. I ran over to Alice. I needed to get away from everyone.
"Alice I'm going to head back to my place and get these developed I'll send them to you okay" she nodded and went back to drawing. I headed over to hair and makeup.
"Baby Girl when were you going to show your thing ass over here" Jacob and Seth grabbed me pulling me into a hug.
"Soon but thanks for sending Alice" I knew he did. Jacob blushed and waved it off. He knew me so great.
"As your reward how about we go Christmas shopping after Christmas and I'll get you whatever you want. Weather it be those shoes form Armani or that bag from Prada" I said and his eyes went wide. I knew he wanted that bag.
"You are a saint baby cakes" he kissed my cheek and I hugged them both and headed over towards the bus stop. A few babies were crying and mother's trying to hush them. Other teenagers were making out and being young and in love while an old couple smiled and relished the times they had together. Chicago wasn't as bad as some people thought it just depended when and where you were.
"Excuse me miss could you hold my baby for just a moment I have to get a bottle out for her" The woman next to me asked well pleaded.
"Sure I wouldn't mind" I gently took the baby from her and cradled the adorable little button.
"Hey cutie how are you?" I giggled and touched his or her nose but I think it was a her. The baby grabbed my finger and started sucking on it. I saw the woman getting out the bottle and finally got the nipple on it and I handed over the little bundle of joy and watched her as she got fed. It made you really want a baby but I knew I couldn't now. Not even if I was with someone. I had problems to figure out and a baby would just complicate things.
I got off the bus and headed over to the little grocery shop. I got in and grabbed some chips and guacamole. It was my sort of comfort food but hell it was better then eating chocolate cake… I didn't gain as much and it was easier to work off. I grabbed the chips and headed over to the cash register and knocked into some tall blonde spilling some of her stuff on the ground.
"Shit sorry" I quickly knelt down and picked up her stuff before she could even get it. I handed it back to her blushing.
"Thanks" she sneered it. What the hell is your damn problem! Those voices again…
"Ya no problem" I noticed she had our magazine in her hands. She flipped threw this and I couldn't help but ask if she liked it.
"Obviously if I was reading it I liked it. The designer is my boyfriend's cousin and I think her little friend is the photographer. I heard she's rather dumb and clingy to all of them. It's just that Alice, yes that's her name, talks about her all the time" I think she wanted me to be impressed that she knew the designer.
"No I'm not really clingy since I'm friends with them but I guess that's your opinion. Nice to meet you I'm Bella Swan" I stuck my hand out for her to shake but her eyes went wide and pouted before turning back to the cash register.
"Bitch" I mumbled and she just glared then made her purchase and ran out of there like there was fire on her tail. I paid the cashier and grabbed my bag then walked back to my apartment which wasn't far away, only a few blocks.
"Hey Miss Swan how are you" Jeremiah asked.
"I'm doing great and you?" he was such a sweet old man.
"Can't complain and it's the Mrs. And I anniversary in a week" he said excitedly. I believed they had been together for about forty years now maybe fifty.
"That's great" I noticed I was getting dark out. I must have been out or woken up later then I thought. I ran inside and watched the snow start to fall. I thought this was going to be the first Christmas without snow and thank god I was wrong. I headed up to my apartment and slipped into some comfy pajama bottoms and a tank top. I put in the titanic and started watching it.
"God I would hate to be jack" I groaned and took another sip of my coffee.
"KNOCK KNOCK" yep there was no knocking sound but they said knock.
"Alice and Rosalie what are you doing here" I asked as I got up and went to go let them in.
"Well the boys are over Esme's house helping her and we wanted to make sure you were coming over for sure so we decided to sleep over then kidnap you to the party" I saw Alice's little perky face. I just rolled my eyes and let them in.
"Oh the Titanic" we all made ourselves comfy with chips dip and Leonardo DiCaprio.
"Hey I met your cousin's girlfriend today" I said and Alice grimaced.
"On the scale of one to ten on the bitch scale how did she act towards you?" she asked and I just shook my head.
"I would put it at one hundred" she didn't like me but I didn't like her.
"If she says anything tomorrow just tell her off that's what Rosalie does" Rosalie nodded and moaned when Leo went shirtless. I couldn't help but throw my pillow at her calling her a pervert.
"Like you weren't thinking it" she yelled back.
"But you vocalized it" We both yelled back at her and she shrugged. Alice was the most social and Rosalie was the most outspoken and I was the awkward one. We balanced each other out perfectly.
"Well I just think ill probably avoid her. You know I don't really like conflict and I've hardly known any of your family besides jasper and Emmett so I'd rather not give a bad impression" Rosalie nodded understanding.
"Well it's like midnight now so we better hit the hay you guys" Rosalie said checking out the clock. I looked and agreed.
"Well never get up no matter how adult we are no one can wake up that early at this late" We all settled on the pillows around my couch and floor. I fell asleep quickly.
I saw the bronze haired boy again. I was with him though sitting on his lap. We had a dog with us. Soon something else was appearing while we sat their and I noticed Alice's family around us. My stomach was gradually growing bigger and bigger. I stared at it in amazement and the scene changed all together. We were at someone else's house now and I and the bronze haired man were sitting on the porch. My belly still round. He was talking to it and rubbing it. I looked happy. Then another vision flashed and there I was with a little boy and girl at the park. Hannah looked like she grew up and was helping me. The same bronze haired man appeared wrapping his arm around me kissing my neck. He took the two children and I heard them yell out dad and mom. Soon we were all rolling around on the ground and Hannah took a few pictures. Then I saw everyone else heading over and we took another big family photo. Alice and jasper had a baby of their own. Soon I was back inside my house.
"Bella your life is going to be fulfilling just let me go. I will always be your guardian angel. I begged to do the job and I got it. I can't just leave my best friend like that" I could see Leah. She was sitting on the railing I usually did. Her dress white and blowy like mist and her giant white angel wings glowed bright.
"Leah I can't just let you go that easily" I begged her and walked over. She smiled and looked at me.
"Isabella Marie Swan you will and you must. Your going to have a family but only if you stop with these panic attacks or whatever they are. I'm always going to be here. Have you not noticed the whole squirrels guiding you and wind thing" she asked giggling. She looked like a teenager still.
"Yes" I admitted defeated. I knew she would get her way because she always got it from me.
"Good now those were me got it so see I was always with you. Who was with you at your parents divorce court case? Who was with you at graduation? Who was with you when you were forced to dance with mike Newton? Who was with you while you were forced to go to all those damn frat parties and none of the drunken boys bothered you because it seemed like you had a damn shield around you?" she asked.
"You you you you you!" I got the message.
"Good and now that we understand each other do you see what I was just showing you. Your lucky I was aloud to by the way but any whom. This is going to be your life with a loving family and home. You just need to embrace it and love it and thrive on it. This mans strength becomes yours and he can help you threw anything." She was serious as she stepped up onto the railing.
"Now wake up Bella the sun is shining and dream time is over. Get back to the real world and make me proud" she held out her hand for me and I took it. Stupidly I climbed up onto the railing and she pushed me off. That would be something she would do to wake me up. I screamed as I feel but it wasn't a scream of fear but of adrenaline and excitement.
Alright well let me know how you think this is… I already have an outline which I will try to post one chapter a week! The more reviews the more I want to write and please send me some good music that you think I would like. I will be having a trailer also with this about half way threw all the chapters so I will let you know and this is the only project I will be working on besides my YouTube account.