I am publishing this in honor of my first fanfiction anniversary! I have now plagued this site with my presence for an entire year! Yay! *throws confetti* *sets off fireworks* And will for hopefully many more to come. In hopes of that... *glugs Dorwinian and dances fabulously on my party elk*
Warning: This fanfiction about LOTR characters reading fanfiction about LOTR characters is pure and utter insanity. I am not responsible for any brain damage this may cause. Read at your own risk.
"What have you found this time, Aragorn?" Elrond asked patiently. "I am aware there are many terrible and most unreadable fanfictions in the world, but surely my presence here is not necessary."
"Oh, but this writer is outrageous." Aragorn insisted. "She calls me Sticky."
Elrond looked perturbed. "Sticky?"
"Yes, I seem to be some sort of candymaker... oh wait, I'm a dieter, which seems to be a bad thing. I think I'm a conflicted character."
"Are there elves in this particular fanfiction?" Elrond asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"Oh yes! Lasagnalas... and your name is Elchocolate."
Elrond did the Eyebrow of Doom™. "WHAT?"
"Elchocolate, and you are the Lord of Rivendough." Aragorn said, giggling.
"Who is the perpetrator of this outrage?" Elrond shouted angrily, grabbing Aragorn's laptop and sitting down. "Pip... the Dark Lord of All?"
"What'd you say, Lord Elrond?" asked Merry, bouncing over. "My cousin may be a troublemaker, but he is certainly not a Dark Lord!"
"I'm not?" Pippin inquired, never far behind.
"No, you most certainly are not." Merry snapped. "Lord Elrond, what are you talking about?"
Elrond shoved the laptop towards the two hobbits without a word. Merry's eyes grew wide with astonishment, but Pippin burst into a grin.
"I think I like this version! Candy, food, all over the place! This writer probably endorses six meals a day, too!"
"But we never... brush our teeth." Merry objected. "That's a bit disgusting, even for you, Pippin."
"Worth all the food." Pippin grinned, pulling the laptop away from Merry. "This is epic! If only the real thing had been like this... just look at all this food, Merry! Everything revolves around food, especially dessert!"
"What's all this commotion about?" a deep voice asked, and Gandalf walked into the room.
"Oh, hello Gumdalf... I mean Gandalf." Pippin hastily corrected himself.
"Gumdalf?" Gandalf asked. "I have many names, Peregrin Took, but Gumdalf is not one of them."
"It's just your name in that fanfic he's reading." Elrond sighed, drawing a hand over his brow.
"What now?" Gandalf groaned. "Elrond, after that Gandalf/Gwahir fic you showed me last time, perhaps..."
"Gandalf/Gwahir? Ahahahahaha!" Aragorn roared, slapping his hands onto his knees. "Honestly, how in Arda did anyone think that up?"
"I don't think we want to know." Gandalf said grimly. "This whole fanfiction thing has really gone too far."
Suddenly Pippin burst into wild laughter. "Gandalf, haahhhhaaa! Look at this!" he tossed the laptop to the wizard.
Gandalf's face grew red. "By the Valar... Gandalf got Run Over by a Balrog? You can't be serious!"
"What's this now?" Elrond snarled, stepping over Pippin, who was rolling on the ground laughing.
"Apparently this person wrote a rather insulting song parody about my conflict with the Balrog." Gandalf growled. "I wasn't even drinking that evening, where would I get wine in Moria? And I was not run over, I was caught by the fiery whip!"
Elrond scrolled down further. "This person also seems to have an obsession with the Kinslayings." he noted with disapproval. "Slay, Slay, Slay the Kin? Slay! Goes Feanor? Old MacFeanor had Three Jewels? Take me out to the Teleri?"
"Alright, alright, we get the message." Gandalf groaned, waving his hand.
"This is intolerable." Elrond said. "Wait... no, they didn't!"
"Didn't what?" Merry asked, not sure if he wanted to know.
"Fingolfin got Run Over by a Dark Lord?" Elrond gasped. "How... how unfeeling of them, how could they!?"
"You better not show Frodo that one about Gandalf getting run over." Pippin said seriously. "He might have another breakdown."
"Don't show me what?" asked Frodo, walking in with Sam. "Did I hear something about Gandalf?"
"Oh, it was nothing." Elrond said lightly, hurriedly scrolling away from Fingolfin got Run Over by a Dark Lord. "Nothing at... all..." his eyes grew wide and he discreetly turned the laptop away from Merry.
Merry's eyes narrowed. "What are you hiding from me?" He leaped behind Elrond. "No! No way! This is too much!"
Merry and Elrond were staring in horror at The Witch-King got Run Over by Eowyn.
"I don't know if you realize it, but you are all acting very strangely." Frodo said with a note of worry in his voice. "Are you alright?"
"We're fine!" Pippin chirped, pulling the laptop out of Elrond's frozen hands. "Oh, wow, look at this! A whole story about me!"
"I'm not sure if I want to know what it's about." Gandalf said tiredly.
"How Pippin Took Over the World." Pippin grinned, pulling an apple out of his pocket and biting into it. "Apparently I take over Middle-Earth... for unlimited mushrooms!"
"Oh, please, don't give him ideas..." Merry groaned in the background.
"This is hilarious!" Pippin gushed. "But who's this Darth Vader guy?"
"I have absolutely no idea, Pippin." Elrond said, pulling the laptop away. "I think you should stop reading now."
"The Virtual Silmaril App?" a voice said from behind Elrond's shoulder. It was Legolas, and Gimli was standing right behind him. "What have you gotten yourself into, Elrond? I didn't think smartphones were invented until after the War of the Ring! How could Feanor possibly have one?"
"He didn't." Elrond said, doing the Eyebrow of Doom™ at the computer. "Just another fanfiction."
"Fanfiction? I thought elves didn't read such nonsense." Gimli laughed. "But I must have been mistaken."
"I don't read fanfiction!" Elrond shouted. "But Aragorn showed me this, this Pip the Dark Lord of All, and her writings are absolutely intolerable! Here, take a look!" He tossed the laptop to Legolas.
"Hmm, interesting." Legolas muttered. "The Greatest Mary Sue of them All? Wonder what that's about?"
As the others watched, Legolas' eyes grew wide. First he turned red, then white as a sheet. Finally, he collapsed.
"Legolas, are you alright?" Elrond cried, taking his pulse.
Gimli fell over right on top of Legolas, but he was roaring with laughter.
"I'm not even going to ask." Gandalf sighed. "No, don't tell us, Gimli. I forbid it."
Gimli pouted.
Frodo's face wore a deep look of concern. "Are you all sure there's nothing wrong?"
"Don't seem quite like themselves, do they, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, also rather concerned.
While Elrond was looking Legolas over, Pippin snuck the laptop back. Within moments, he was giggling and fan-hobbiting madly.
"There's a sequel! A sequel to my story!" he raved. "The Curse of the Tasty Mushroom! Gandalf, you still haven't stopped trying to destroy my empire! I'm sure you'll fail though."
Gandalf took a deep breath and desperately tried to remain calm.
"Gandalf, I think you just tried to poison me!" Pippin wailed. "I don't trust you anymore!"
"Pippin, it's just a fanfiction, Gandalf would never do that!" Merry broke in.
"Hey!" Pippin yelled. "It's not finished! My story has been abandoned, right when it was getting exciting!"
"Thank the Valar." Gandalf sighed with relief. "Lord Elrond, is Legolas all right?"
"Yes, he should wake up in a few minutes, it's just mild shock from whatever he read." Elrond rose to his feet. "Young hobbit, give me that laptop at once."
"Oh, fine. I've read everything about me anyways, which is everything worth reading." With an annoyed look on his face, Pippin handed Elrond the laptop. Elrond was about to close it when something caught his eye.
"Gandalf, what is a tribble?" Elrond asked in a hesitant voice.
"A what?" Aragorn broke in.
"Huh?" was Gandalf's input.
"Of Tribbles in Rivendell, by Pip the Dark Lord of All." Elrond read. "I must admit, this story makes the least sense of all."
"For your own mental health, you should probably close that story now." Aragorn suggested. But it was too late. Elrond was already reading it.
Without warning, the Lord of Rivendell collapsed on top of Legolas. Gandalf sighed and removed the misused laptop from his clenched fingers.
"Who is Jar Jar?" Gimli asked, peering at the screen.
"Who is what?" Gandalf asked. "Oh wait, don't tell me. It's another fanfiction."
"Right!" Gimli rumbled. "Jar Jar in Middle-Earth. But what is a Jar Jar?"
"Honestly, I don't believe any of us need to know." said Gandalf, pushing the laptop closed.
"Oh no you don't, I'm interested!" Gimli yelled, and grabbed it. Gandalf sank his head into his hands as the dwarf began reading.
"Mesa... mesa... yahooo... awwwuuuu..." Gimli breathed.
"What? Are you mental?" Elrond moaned, raising his head, then slowly crawling to his feet. "Or have I died and gone to Mandos' Halls?"
"How wude!" Gimli snapped. "I mean, Lord Elrond, it's... it's just another fanfiction."
"I might have known." Elrond snarled, doing the Eyebrow of Doom™ yet again. "Stop reading that story, I'm sure there's a better one. What is this? A story about Galion? Galion's Holiday? To Barad-Dur? Oh... my... Eyebrows..." he gasped, and swayed on his feet.
"About time you used that for swearing." Aragorn said, and shoved Elrond into a chair, where he promptly passed out.
"No, no, no!" Merry screamed.
Pippin had the laptop again.
"I can't believe I've never read fanfiction before!" he giggled. "Merry, this stuff is great!" he grabbed Merry's arm and dragged him away. "Let's read some together!"
Merry allowed himself to be pulled away. "Come to my funeral," he whispered mournfully back at the group, and disappeared after Pippin.
The End.
Please review! We begs you to, precioussss. Btw, I can't be on the internet much because my data is practically gone, so if I don't respond...