Need, Permission and Reassurance.
Ianto's hands shook, making the coffee trolley rattle noisily. Barely in control of himself, he accidentally knocked a china saucer to the floor. He swore as it shattered next to him.
"Ianto? What happened, are you alright?" said a voice behind his shoulder. Ianto's heart raced as he recognised the low, husky voice in a split second.
It didn't help that he was behaving stupidly like this around Jack at the moment either, Ianto realised, it wasn't helping things, especially as he thought Jack was still pissed at him for what happened with Lisa.
Lisa...
Even the name brought pain. He had brought her to Torchwood 3 with the sole intention of healing her. But what happened? He effectively killed her by coming here. He made a mistake, a terrible mistake. He had lied to Jack from the moment they met. Lied to himself when he denied that instant attraction between them.
Even though he had originally tracked Jack down for Lisa, the moment in that dark warehouse, that moment when he was lying on top of Jack, breathing heavily and his head swirling, unable to break that intense gaze, during that moment Lisa was finally gone from his mind. All he could think about was Jack. And that brought tears of guilty anguish to his eyes when he finally managed to wrench himself away from Jack. But now that Lisa was gone, he had moved on. Moved on to Jack. Great.
Ianto turned around quickly. A delicious blush decorated his cheekbones as he stammered out an apology for breaking the saucer. Jack smiled, entranced by Ianto's inadvertent beauty. The kiss that had given life to Ianto was dwelling on his mind much more than he anticipated. Jack knew that Ianto was hurting. And that it was largely his fault that Lisa had died, but Ianto needed to understand that Jack hadn't killed Lisa in the end, Lisa had died a long time before Jack had got there. Jack knew what losing a loved one felt like, and sympathised with Ianto as best he could.
Jack moved closer to Ianto, noticing his breathing quicken with a quiet pride. Jack was well aware of Ianto's attraction to him, but assumed that it was just that; shallow attraction that would soon pass with a couple of nights together. Jack would be only too happy to be with Ianto.
Placing his hands on Ianto's shoulders, Jack rubbed gently, easing the tension there. Ianto relaxed slowly, hesitantly leaning his head against Jack's shoulder as Jack continued his ministrations. Ianto couldn't quite understand what was happening, but his head was swimming and his heart was racing and he knew that he wouldn't be able to stand it if Jack left him now. Alone. In this state.
Jack was unsure about just how much Ianto wanted from him right now, after all, he was still bitter about Lisa. But the feeling of Ianto's moist, warm breath almost panting against his neck dispelled those thoughts in a flash. Jack tried, in vain, to prevent a physical reaction to the sensation of Ianto pressed up against him.
Hands trembling a little, Jack slowly brushed his fingers against Ianto's neck and jaw, gradually reaching the side of his face. Ianto lifted up his own hand to clutch at Jack's and leaned back, looking at Jack's face. His nerves were on fire and the warmth that Jack was emitting was almost irresistible. He wanted Jack, possibly more than he had wanted anyone in his entire life. And by the looks of things, he might actually get Jack. Tonight. Right now. The thought sent heated thrills through his body.
But the memories of Lisa and the idea that he was being disloyal to her, made him stare desperately at Jack. A part of him needed some sort of permission – someone to reassure him that what he was doing was alright.
Jack realised this. Ianto was so vulnerable right now, and Jack couldn't bear to hurt him again. He couldn't turn him away now. Physically couldn't.
So, warily, Jack moved his head closer to Ianto's, his hands cupping the side of his face and tilting it gently. Trying to take things slow, Jack leant downwards until his lips were just above Ianto's.
"It's okay, it's okay…", Jack murmured against Ianto's lips, reassuring him the best he could.
Ianto moaned quietly in response, closed his eyes and suddenly, urgently pressed his mouth against Jack's, their bodies pressing against each other. Jack kissed him harshly, the movements of his body betraying his barely controlled arousal and passion for the man in front of him.
After a few minutes Jack pulled away reluctantly, panting for breath. Ianto looked almost scared at the momentary loss of contact, and pulled Jack's head down again, kissing him hungrily. Slowly, like a trainer and a scared, wild animal, Jack led Ianto to his bunk.
Several hours later, Ianto was sleeping against Jack's chest, peaceful for the first time in months. Jack was stroking his hair, staring unseeingly up at the pitch black above him. Ianto was comforted, healing and happy. Jack prayed to any Gods that existed that he would never be the one to hurt Ianto, but somehow he knew that this couldn't last, and that inevitably one, or both of them, would end up in pain because of it.