Author's Note:
This story was previously entitled "Forever". I took a three-year hiatus because I realized that, being fourteen, I couldn't write a love story from the eyes of a teenage girl. I've grown up a lot since then, and so has my writing. I bumped up the rating and have made a lot of changes. The story is more mature now. My apologies to former readers that prefer the way the story was before.
I decided to beef up Renesmee's character development. Since becoming (gasp) a feminist, I've realized there should be more to a girl's character than who she loves. Ness is smart and funny and profound. I want to portray that. This story is still a love story about Ness & Jake, but I've added a few sub-plots. I really hope you guys like it. I've spent weeks editing this (and laughing at my old writing). The first chapter especially is my baby. My masterpiece. It's a whopping 15 pages, and much longer than the average chapter will be. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave me a message! Much love, xoxo. 3
He chased me down the beach. The sun shined and my skin glowed. Literally. Those who shared my special eyesight could see the faint glimmers of light bouncing off of my body. He bent over and splashed me with the water that dances along the shoreline. I squealed like a little girl and ran faster. By now, you must be wondering who "He" is. To people who know me, it's completely obvious who "He" is. "He" is the only boy in the world. "He" is Jacob. "I" am Renesmee Cullen, a.k.a. Nessie, as in "Loch Ness Monster". Don't let the nickname fool you though- I'm an angel.
"Get ready for the beating of a lifetime!" Jacob exclaimed. I screamed and ran in the opposite direction- which happened to be up the dock leading to the ocean. Damn. There was only one thing left to do.
"Stop! I surrender!" I said, putting my hands up like a criminal caught by the authorities. Jacob raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"I don't trust you…"
"I'm not lying," I pleaded, " Pinky swear?" I stuck my right pinky out and he reluctantly hooked his pinky with mine, hesitant due to the fact that I had rarely allowed physical contact between us in the last year. My "gift" makes it hard to touch him without revealing my feelings, so- as much as it killed me- I'd been trying to put more distance between us. I ignored the electric shocks that ricocheted though my body and twisted my right hand around to grab hold of his. Then I used my left hand to grab hold of his upper arm and flipped him off the dock and into the ocean. The move was so quick that normal humans wouldn't have been able to see it. Jacob and I aren't normal, though.
"Nessie!" Jacob screamed with a vengeance.
"Yes?" I answered, in my sugar-sweet voice.
"You're so gonna pay for that."
"It's your fault. You know I hate being chased. This is why I sit out of tag. Now come on. You smell like a wet dog." I said, stretching out my hand and helping him back onto the dock. He didn't really smell like a wet dog. To be truthful, Jake smelled like almonds drizzled in dark chocolate. Everybody says that he actually smells like earth- or a dog, depending on who's telling me. But, everybody's wrong. Jake smells sweet and rich. Jake smells delicious. Mouth-watering.
As he stripped off his shirt to wring the water out, my train of thought crashed and incinerated. All I could focus on were the way his muscles flexed and contracted with every movement of his arms. Jake was indeed, a damn fine specimen. He shook his head back and forth, ironically enough mirroring the habits of a dog. His hair fell into his eyes as he look up at me and grinned. Jacob Black is every girl's wet dream.
I must've stared at him too long, because his mischievous smile turned to one of slight confusion as he cocked his head slightly. Just like a dog. God, he was adorable. I wanted him in my bed. Like, ten minutes ago. I shook my head, trying to snap myself out of it. I'd been in love with Jake for two years, and it never got any easier.
"Let's go back," I said, nodding in the direction we came from. He smiled and started to walk with me. I noticed him looking at me, and I smiled at him. He looked away, but brushed his hand against mine. I could tell that it was an invitation to hold hands. I didn't take it. If Jake accidentally got a peak of what was in my head, I'd probably die. We made small talk for a few minutes before his phone rang. I peaked over at who it was. Jessica. I snorted. Ugh.
Ever since we bumped into her during our trip to Seattle two weeks ago, she'd kept trying to call him. She only got his phone number because she refused to leave us alone until she got it. Omigod, Jake! It's been, what, five years? Six? You look great. We should totally catch up some time. Meanwhile, she'd eyed me like I was the spawn of Satan. (Jacob sometimes jokes that I am.) She looked me up and down in a combination of jealousy and disapproval. Jake had laughed to my parents about it, and they all seemed to think it was the funniest shit ever. My dad directed a secretive smirk at me when he heard me think about what I'd do to Jessica if I ever saw her again.
Jake shot me a look and hit "ignore" on his phone. I knew she irritated the crap out of him, had since he first met her. But I was still rubbed the wrong way. Honestly, I instantly hated any girl that displayed an interest in Jake. He was my Jacob.
"You shouldn't ignore your girlfriend, Jake," I jabbed, hoping sarcasm would cover up how jealous and pissed off Jessica's persistent advances made me. He groaned.
"Only in my nightmares would I date Jessica. She's not my type. At all."
"Then," I pressed. "What is your type?"
"A girl without that two-faced shit, that's for sure. Someone who's honest, even if it hurts." Check.
"And," I pressed further.
"Smart. Funny," He listed. Double check. "And sweet." I deflated. I was most definitely not sweet. In fact, I was the most cynical person I knew. I can and will poke fun at anything.
"Being sweet is overrated," I muttered bitterly.
"Totally isn't," he protested. "I love when girls play nice." I crossed my arms and shot a look at him. He liked sweet girls? Well, I'd just have show him how sugary sweet I was. And pouting probably wasn't helping. I quickly uncrossed my arms and smiled. I could play this game.
"Yeah, I can see what you're saying." He raised an eyebrow, shocked. I never let him win that easily. I could tell he expected a full on debate was to whether sugar, spice, and everything nice was really the way to go.
"That's because I'm always right," Jake said, baiting me. My smile widened as I nodded in agreement.
"You are super smart Jake," I giggled, just barely managing to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. He smirked, having caught on to the game.
"I guess I am, Ness." I almost rolled my eyes. Being nice is hard. When we finally made it back to the campsite, Jake's pack was gathered in a circle talking. They cheered as Jake and I drew closer, seeing Jake's damp clothes and hair and assuming I'd won. Which was true. Because I always win.
"Wow, Ness. You showed Jake, huh," Quil joked.
"I shouldn't have pushed him into the water," I fake-fretted.
"More like threw me into the water," Jake muttered.
"I think I went a little overboard," I said.
"It looks like Jake's the one that went overboard to me," Embry laughed. Quil chuckled in response and I had to hold back a grin.
"So," I asked brightly. "Who wants food?" This is the fastest way to make a pack of werewolves follow you. We all crowded into Billy's house, and the wolves waited in the living room while I got started in the kitchen. Seth and Jake followed me, Jake taking a stool while Seth moved to help me cook. Seth and I made a good team. Seth did the cutting and seasoning while I worked on the stove. We made burgers. There were about two dozen of them and six pounds of fries, and I still wondered if it was enough to feed the whole pack.
Jake's pack now consisted of 6 members: Seth, Leah, Quil, Embry, Jared, and- of course- Jake. Jared switched over two years ago after a falling out with Sam. Recent tension within Sam's pack has a few of the wolves speculating that the packs will merge, and Jake will lead them all. I know that the idea scares the hell out of Jake. He never asked to be a leader. No matter how trustworthy and reliable he is, he always feels like he's fucking up and letting everyone down. We don't talk about it, but I know he worries. It's the only subject that Jake refuses to talk to me about. Well, that and his love life, which is a whole other kind of taboo between us. Jake and I talked about everything except feelings. I've always vaguely wondered if Jake is hiding something from me, but I doubted that my issues with verbally expressing myself helped with the whole "sharing is caring" thing.
When the food was done, I called everyone in. The burgers were very much appreciated. And devoured. The food was gone within the hour, and afterwards everyone sat around watching football. The table was covered in plates, and just as I started gathering them up, Seth offered to help wash the dishes. I promptly ran up to him and showered his face in kisses. Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except Jake, who probably realized he was losing this game. I was sweet as pie. I hadn't made a single joke at anyone's expense all night. Not even when Leah and Quil started poking fun at Jared. I so badly wanted to join in. But I was sweet, so I couldn't. God, being nice sucked.
Seth and I laughed and carried on as we did the dishes. It somehow escalated to a soapy dishwater fight, bubbles flying everywhere. Seth began chasing me around with an engorged sponge. I was about to pass the kitchen's threshold when I smacked square into Jacob's chest. I looked up, expecting to find Jacob's typical lopsided grin. Instead, he looked… angry? No, that wasn't quite it. If it was anyone else, I would've called it jealousy. I wished it was jealousy. But I'd never seen Jake jealous before, and I had no clue what he'd be jealous of. Jake made it clear that he saw me as a little sister-type, and Seth and I hadn't been doing anything scandalous. Was I not paying enough attention to Jake? Did he feel left out?
"Jake, what-"
"What're you doing?" Jake's tone was accusatory. Seth shrank back behind me. As if we'd been caught with our hands in the cookie jar. Even though we were just messing around, same as always. But the way Jake glared at Seth put me on edge, and I was getting pissed.
"We were doing dishes, Jake. What's your problem?"
"This," he pointed to my now soaked shirt. "does not look like washing dishes."
"This is how Seth and I do dishes. If you wanted us to do it your way, you should offered to help," I retorted testily. I then stomped over to the sink, and- just to prove my point- stripped off my sudsy shirt and used it to scrub at the remaining dishes. Seth started laughing and, in a show of solidarity, stripped off his shirt and helped me. I looked over at Jake, wondering how he'd respond. Normally, something like this would amuse him. Even though it irritated him, he usually was fond of my strong-willed nature. I was almost surprised to find that he was most definitely not amused. Saying he was pissed would be an understatement.
He stormed out of the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a button down shirt. Then, he dragged me away from the sink and started putting the shirt on me. I tried to stifle the buzz off energy that course through me when his knuckles skimmed by bare chest as he buttoned the shirt up. When he was done, I crossed my arms and glared at him, hoping the heat in my face wouldn't give me away.
"Seriously, Jake. What's wrong? You're acting weird."
"I'm acting weird? You're the one stripping in a house full of guys," Jake growled.
"Leah's here," I retorted. "And I don't see the big deal. You and Seth are the only ones without imprints." Embry had imprinted on a girl in Seattle two years ago. She was eighteen with long, blonde hair and ice blue eyes. They just got engaged. I heard Seth chuckle behind me, but he stopped when Jake shot him a look. Great. I'd have to investigate that later.
"That's irrelevant, Ness. You can't just strip anywhere you please." I laughed bitterly at him.
"Really, Jake? You of all people shouldn't be telling me that. You're almost always shirtless. Like, all the time."
"I'm a guy, Renesmee. It's different." Oh, hell no. That started a whole new shit storm. While I started shrieking at Jake about gender-equality, Seth slipped out of the kitchen to join the others. After ten minutes of back and forth between Jake and I, I got frustrated. I grasped for anything I could say to make him back down.
"Why do you keep treating me like a child, Jake? I'm nineteen years old!"
"You're six," He screamed. I looked back at him in shock, stricken. He recoiled, knowing his words hurt me.
"Nessie, I-"
"I'm sorry that I grow up faster than normal people do, but I always thought you understood that I'm not normal, Jake. I'm young, but I'm not a little girl."
"I do understand, Ness. I was just trying to say-"
"I think you made your point clear," I whispered. I turned to leave, scrubbing the tears from my cheeks so the pack wouldn't see me cry. I heard Jake call for me, but I ignored him. When I had put some distance between myself and the house, I heard the start of new commotion inside. I stopped to listen.
"Why'd you do that, Jake," Seth yelled.
"You know why, Seth! You wouldn't act like that with Emily or Kim! You should know not do it with Ness!" Silence.
"Sorry, Jake," Seth murmured. What was going on? Emily and Kim were both imprints. Does that mean-
"They are completely different, Jake," Leah burst in. "Your relationship with Ness isn't comparable to Sam and Emily's or Jared and Kim's. It's apples and oranges." I deflated. There's no way that I could've been Jake's imprint all this time. If I was his imprint, I wouldn't have this painful, one-sided crush. More than crush, actually. Unrequited love.
I knew I'd heard enough. I got in my car and drove back home. The house was empty, with the exception of Rosalie and Esme. Everyone was out hunting. I tried to perk up, hoping Esme and Rosalie wouldn't notice. It's a lot easier feigning emotion when Dad and Jasper were out of the house. I walked to the piano, hoping music would lighten my mood.
I first tried playing "Moonlight Sonata." My favorite. Then, I realized that it probably wasn't the most uplifting. I opted for make-shift jazz, throwing a rhythm and some random chord progressions in Bb major together. But my default rhythm always made me think of Jake. It was the same rhythm he always tapped out with his fingers when we waited at restaurants. I changed the rhythm, speeding it up, adding an extra count. Finally, I was feeling better. I sang along to my new song, and eventually Esme and Rose drifted into the room, humming along with me. When I was done, I played any song they asked to hear. I needed a distraction, and it worked for a while. But after a bit of time, my hands began to play their most familiar song, almost of their own accord. The song I wrote for Jake. It's almost as if I can't leave a piano bench without playing it at least once.
The song started out full and warm and hopeful, but it ended in C sharp minor. A little hollow, a little sad. The end always felt incomplete and misplaced. Like I tacked the middle of a cold, desolate piece onto the end of my soft, tender one. Sometimes, I stopped playing before the song drifted to a close, pretending the end never existed. Pretending that there was still a chance to write a happier end for Jake's song. A happier end for us. I played it through to the end today.
After my mini-concert, I headed to my room, hoping that reading would help distract me. I was getting through the classics. I sorted through my list by genre. First, I'd read all the classic sci-fi and government conspiracy novels. (1984 really screwed me up.) Then I read the great literary dramas. (Hamlet was fantastic.) And now I'm working on Romances. The first I read was, obviously "Romeo & Juliet." I already knew how it ended. Then "Taming of the Shrew." I loved Kate's sass. I've been reading Jane Austen these past few days. I read "Persuasion" yesterday and "Sense and Sensibility" the day before. I read Pride & Prejudice today, having saved the best for last. The swoon-worthy Mr. Darcy distracted me from my problems with Jake for an hour or two, but when I closed the book, I only felt worse than before. I would never have a great love affair. I am doomed to spend eternity pining after a guy that thinks of me as a child. Why couldn't Jane Austen write my life?
Eventually, I called Jake. I didn't like being mad at him. The second he picked up, he was already apologizing profusely. I accepted his apologies, but it wasn't the same now that I knew what he really thought of me as. A little girl. A stubborn, stupid little girl.
We agreed to go out for lunch the next day. He said that there was something we needed to talk about. He'd pick me up around noon. We'd go to his house after we ate. That'd be that. He started to ask why I'd been eating more human food and hunting less, but I quickly interrupted, saying I had to go and hanging up. Since I started suppressing my vampire tendencies a year ago, hunting had become a sore subject. I'd only hunted once in the last year, and I'd been alone. I had no plans to hunt in the immediate future, even though the hunger pangs and the burning in my throat sometimes keep me up at night. Jake noticed, but know matter how much he pressed, I never tell him why I stopped hunting. Not the real reason, anyways.
In the morning, I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off. I wanted to look good. I mean, I always look good- not to sound conceited or anything- but today I wanted to look really good. I curled my hair, put make up on, wore a dress. Given, the dress was still black (like most of my clothes), but it had sparkly hearts and lace. It was feminine. Different from my usual attire. Me dressing up is usually a switch from ripped, baggy jeans to lightly distressed skinny jeans. And my band t-shirts were always a must. But I thought maybe a change of clothiers would make me seem more adult. Alice would be proud if she saw me today. In all actuality, I liked dressing like this every now and then. I secretly loved skirts and ruffles and high-heeled shoes, but they weren't practical for long days fixing cars in Jake's garage. And it's not like I had an abundance of opportunities to dress up. I was home-schooled, and the only time I really got at was to visit La Push and make occasional runs to the grocery store.
When Jake picked me up, he didn't so much as glance at my attire. He took no notice of how dolled up I was. Not. One. Little. Bit. I tried baiting him.
"Do I look nice?" He finally looked me over.
"Yeah, I guess," He said, confused. "You always look nice." I sighed. Jake never seems to get it.
We got in his car and drove to a steakhouse. The hostess eyed Jake appreciatively as she sat us. I hated her instantaneously. After we were seated, we looked over the menus.
"Wanna split a platter, Jake?"
"Nah," he said. "I'll get my own platter."
"What? Jake, the platters here are enough to feed six people."
"I know," he grinned. "I might even have room for dessert." I snorted, rolling my eyes.
"That is so not good for you."
"Sure, sure," Jake said, utilizing his signature catch phrase. He looked up and gave me a wide smirk. God, I loved him.
A few minutes later the waiter finally arrived at our table. He was cute, and I could tell by the way his eyes widened when he saw me that he probably thought I was cute, too. I smiled at him, and his mouth dropped a bit before he regained his composure.
"Hi. I'm Matt, and I'll be your server. Is there anything I can get you," He said, his eyes on me. Jacob glowered at him.
"I'll take a beer," Jake grumbled. The waiter, Matt, looked surprised when he heard Jake's voice, as if he hadn't even seen him there. He quickly jotted down Jake's drink order and looked back to me.
"And you, miss?"
"Apple juice," I said, flashing a smile. He quickly rushed to get our drinks, eager to give me what I want. Boys started acting like this when I turned five and was physically seventeen. I spent most of my time around Jake, who was seemingly unaffected by my charms. Nice to know that I still had it. Whatever "it" was.
"I don't like that waiter," Jake muttered. I lifted an eyebrow.
"I think he's nice," I protested. I thought I heard him mumble something along the lines of That's why I don't like him, but he was too quiet even for my vampiric hearing.
The waiter returned with our drinks and took our orders, cracking a joke that I laughed at flirtatiously. Jake's expression darkened, but I needed to practice using my charm if I was ever going to woo Jake. After Matt left, I eagerly sipped my drink and looked up to find Jake throwing a side-long glance my way.
"What?" He blinked, looking blankly at me. Then he gave me an amused smirk.
"A creature of the night who drinks apple-juice. What has the world come to?"
"That's half creature of the night, to you. Now, shut up and drink your beer, Wolfie," I growled.
"Yes, ma'am." He tossed the straw out of the mug and chugged the entire drink down in a minute flat.
"Show-off." I muttered.
"The greatest." Jake smiled. I smiled back. Seriously, Jake could say that I'm ugly and stupid, but I'd smile back like an idiot if he was smiling while he said it. God, I'm whipped. We're not even dating, and I'm whipped.
"What's so great about beer, anyways?" I asked.
"The fact that I can legally drink it now. Not everybody grows up as fast as you do, Ness." I glowered.
"You of all people shouldn't be talking at me about growing up fast, Jake. You've probably looked twenty-one since you were sixteen."
"But I wasn't, in all actuality, twenty-one. Therefore, I couldn't drink with a clear conscience."
"That's like saying I'm not nineteen because, technically, I'm six in human years. Besides, since when have you had any sort of conscience?"
"That was low, Ness."
"Low, but still true."
"I guess you're right, Ness. I don't have a conscience." Jake smiled, leaning in as if to tell me a secret.
"What makes you say that?" I asked, taking the bait.
"Because, Ness, if I had a conscience I wouldn't want to…" Jake leaned in so close that his face was nearly touching mine. My breathing accelerated and then stopped altogether. I felt his breath hit me, and I nearly drug him across the table to make our lips meet. I wanted to taste him. The want I felt for him in that moment was more intense than any sort of lust I'd ever felt for any guy, even the hot ones that graced movie screens. I'd started wanting Jake this way a year ago, but the feeling hit me full force like never before.
"You wouldn't want to…" I prodded, hoping he'd confess his undying love and mutual lust for me.
"I wouldn't want to… strangle you in the middle of the restaurant." He said. Then, he sat back with a chuckle, looking down at the table.
"Ugh." I groaned, turning away from the asshole that is Jake.
"What? What did you think I'd say?"
"I don't know," I muttered, embarrassed. "That you wanted to kiss me, or something?"
Great. I'd just laid all the cards on the table. Honestly, I was hoping he'd say that he wanted to bend me over the table and fuck me. But I guess kissing was more PG. There was a pause in our conversation, and I looked at Jake to see his response. He was staring down at the table, unblinking.
Finally, he said, "That'd be weird, Ness. You're like my baby sister," He said, effectively smashing my heart to smithereens. He looked up and gave me a half-hearted smirk. As if to further the blow, he added, "You're so young. That'd be, like, pedophilia. Kind of," He laughed, expecting me to laugh with him. Oh, gee willikers. Little old me isn't mature enough for kissing. Why would anyone ever think that? I visibly winced at his words, hurt. My eyes started to turn glassy, and I looked away.
"Um, Ness? What's wrong?" Jake was suddenly concerned. Asshole.
"Your food's almost done," Matt said, returning to our table. I gave him my most winning smile.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but can you make the steak to-go, please?"
"And what about the platter," he asked.
"Oh, you can leave that here." I tossed a glare at Jake. Matt nodded and walked away.
"Ness…" Jake reached across the table for my elbow. I jerked away from him.
"You know what, Jake," I said while rising. "I may be a lot younger than you, but I'm not a little girl. Sometimes, it feels like you're the one who was born yesterday. Get a fucking clue."
"Here's your order, miss." Matt said, handing me my boxed steak. I handed him a random dollar bill. I hoped it was enough.
"Keep the change." Matt gasped. Must've been a hundred…
I dashed out of the restaurant, ignoring Jake's calls of protest. I went under cover of the nearest forest. Then went into hyper-speed. I could hardly see past the blur of tears in my eyes. First was our fight yesterday, and now today? Jake was breaking my heart to pieces. Never had anyone made me feel like such a freak. Never had Jake- my rock, protector, and love of my life- made me feel so bad about myself. I cursed myself. Why did I have to grow so fast? If I were really what I was meant to be, a six-year-old, I wouldn't be in love with Jake. I wouldn't have to deal with these confusing feelings for another decade.
I stopped and ate my steak alone in the cold, dank woods. It was rare, like I wanted. Still, it paled in comparison to fresh blood. To the hunt. I used to love hunting. I started hating it at the same time I started hating my hybrid nature. Which was also the same time I realized that I was in love with Jake. He'd be upset if he knew, but sometimes, like today, he made me feel like a monster. I was an anomaly. A misfit. He made me desperately wish to be a normal, human girl. Like the ones who flirt with him in movie theaters or convenience stores. I hated it. Hated that I hated myself. I was Renesmee Fucking Cullen. I was gorgeous, smart, talented. I shouldn't want to change because of some boy. That's it, though. Jake could never be some boy. He's my Jacob. I knew I should talk to him about how I feel, but talking's never been my strong suit. Words never seem to be enough.
I got up and ran home. I passed the threshold, crossing into the living room to chat with my favorite mood-reading vampire.
"What's with the mood, Nessie?" Jasper asked. Damn. Jasper's vamp-y senses were tingling. Of course he'd know I was majorly pissed right now. And sad.
"It's just a fight with Jake," I murmured. He gave me a concerned look.
"Seriously, Jasper. Don't worry… Actually, can you make me feel better?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Nobody really asks me that much."
"Everyone should ask you to do that. Imagine it: You're having a bad day and you go to your old pal, Jasper. Bibbity-bobbity-boo! You feel better! The end."
"Cute."
"Seriously! You should work as a therapist! You make everyone feel better!"
"Only as long as they were in the building."
"All the more reason for them to come more often. You'd be rich!"
"You're truly evil. Besides, I think our little family has enough change in our pockets." We smiled. That was inarguably true.
"Thanks, Jasper. Just talking is making me feel better," I said happily. Jasper gave me a smile that made me feel less confident that it was only talking that made me feel better.
"Jasper…"
"I helped a little bit." He grinned, and I grinned back. I was about to head to my room when Alice burst in.
"Hey, Nessie! I've been waiting for you all day. I'm about to take a plane to New York for some shopping. I should be leaving for the airport," She checked her watch. "Right now, actually. You coming?" Aunt Alice asked. Finally. Some solace in the midst of troubles.
"Don't you usually have your stuff delivered?"
"Yeah, but I've been planning to go on a trip myself for a while. I saw my future disappear, so I assumed that you'd wanna leave with me today and booked the both of us plane tickets." Thank God for Alice.
"Sounds great. How long are we staying?"
"Two weeks. I also booked us a hotel." Two weeks away from Asshole… Surprisingly, the thought brought a little sting along with the relief. There's no winning. I stay, I hurt. I leave, I hurt. No matter what, I hurt. Leaving seemed to be the better option, though. Jake and I needed time apart.
"Okay, Alice. Let's go."
Alice and I drove to Seattle to catch our plane. The plane, of course, was first class and really nice. Complimentary silk throw pillows were already sitting on our seats when we got on. During the six and a half hour flight, Alice and I looked through catalogs for the hottest clothes to look for, arranged manicure appointments, and even found a place for me to eat.
I considered talking to her about Jake, but chose not to. I trusted Alice, but we rarely talked about anything heavy. And when it comes to Jake, my mom was probably the best one to consult. She and Jake had known each other since before I was born, and she was the only person who knew him better than I did. The only thing I hadn't talked to Mom about were my insecurities with being a hybrid. Self-hatred talks were reserved for Dad. He always knew exactly what to say; probably because he'd been there himself.
Alice and I got off the plane and immediately started shopping. We even hadn't bothered to bring any clothes since we knew we'd buy plenty while we were here. I can't exactly say that we shopped 'til we dropped, because vampires don't really "drop". What I can say is that we shopped 'til the rumbling of my stomach started to annoy Alice. We then proceeded to drop our new stuff off at the hotel heading out to a restaurant. The doorman's face when we walked in with all our bags was comical. He was either new to his job or we were an extra-special case. The restaurant was really good. For human food, that is. The bill made even my eyes widen. Alice (being a vampire) didn't even eat, so it should've been much cheaper. When we got back to our hotel, I took the time to look around. It was gorgeous. The floors were made of marble, the alabaster ceiling hung high over our heads, and splashes of color gave the place warmth. My glass house was prettier, though.
After putting everything away, Alice and I went back out for shopping and a movie. It was a romantic comedy. I almost threw up in my mouth several times. The plain, talentless girl found out that the perfect boy she'd always been crushing on had secretly returned her feelings all along. Ugh, shoot me. Alice and I walked back to our suite arm in arm. We laughed at how corny the movie was and danced around the hotel room to soft jazz until I got tired and went to bed. I felt like my heart was healing. I overheard Alice talking on the phone to my dad later that night.
"No, Nessie is sleeping," She whispered.
"Jacob needs to talk to her," My dad said on the other end.
"I don't know what happened, but I feel like she and Jake had a fight," Alice said.
"Yeah, they did," My dad confirmed. "Jake hurt her feelings," Dad growled.
"I can tell. We haven't talked about it, but she's really been hurting. I've been trying to take her mind off of it by having some girl time with her." Wow. Alice is more perceptive than I give her credit for. Well, I guess seeing the future makes you pretty perceptive.
"Jake wants to make it right. She left her phone behind, and he won't leave until he talks to her."
"I don't know," Alice said. "I think she just needs some time." I heard my dad sigh on the other end.
"She probably does. Just tell her to call when she's ready."
They said their goodbyes, and Alice hung up. The room was silent, the only noise being the overhead fan and the rustling of my covers as I tossed and turned. The day ended how it always did: me lying awake. Thinking about Jacob. I cried until I fell asleep that night. Alice pretended not to hear.
In the morning, Alice and I headed out to breakfast. We wore black dresses and ate outside of Tiffany's. We shopped and sought out all the entertainment that New York had to offer. When it got late, Alice and I returned to the apartment. Then, we huddled in bed together and watched movies. Before the night was over, she asked me if I wanted to call home. I knew she really meant if I wanted to call Jacob. I said no. This was our routine for a week before I finally decided to phone the house and check up on everyone. I picked up the hotel telephone and dialed the familiar number.
"Hello? Bella Cullen speaking."
"Hey, mom! It's been a while. Alice and I have been loving New York. We're thinking about moving," I joked. "How's everyone doing?"
"We'd be doing fine if that damned dog would stop calling the freaking house." Rosalie half-yelled into the phone.
"Nice to hear from you, Rosalie."
"Don't worry, honey. It isn't your fault. It's the mutt's fault. Maybe we should move to Greenland and get rid of him once and for all. Yeah! We'll get new names and-" There was the sound of the phone being wrestled away and then mom was back on.
"Um, honey? Hi. I'm glad you're enjoying your trip, but…"
"But what, mom?"
"Why haven't you called Jake yet? It's been eight days, Ness. He's worried sick."
"I…"
"What?"
"Jake was being an asshole."
"You didn't try to call Jake because the two of you got into a little fight?"
"It wasn't a little fight. He hurt my feelings," I muttered. My voice must've cracked when I said it, because my mom's tone suddenly softened.
"I know, sweetheart. But Jake's really lost without you," She said. Gah. She knew exactly what to say. It felt like an arrow just hit my chest. But I refused to yield.
"I doubt that what he's feeling is even a fraction of what he made me feel like a week ago."
"Ness, I've been in Jake's shoes. Desperately wanting to know if someone's okay, trying time and time again to talk to them even though they're mad at you. I can't stand to see anyone like this, let alone Jake. Just give him a call."
"I don't want to call him, Mom. If he wants to know about my wellbeing so badly, then you can tell him yourself. I won't talk to him."
"Renesmee Cullen. I swear, you're just as stubborn as your father. You'd better call Jake. Right. Now. "
"I don't care how worried he is!" Lie. "My life doesn't revolve around Jake!" Lie. "It's not like he even cares about me anyways!" LIE.
"If only you knew. Call Jake. Now. Or else, when you get back, I'm locking you two in a room together until you can sort your shit out." Then she hung up. My own mother hung up on me. And cursed. She never curses. I sighed. Should I really call him? I didn't even have to ask the question before I knew the answer. Slowly, I dialed the number that I've had memorized since I was old enough to pick up a phone. I listened to the slow, agonizing ring of the phone before Jake finally picked the phone up.
"Hello?" Jake sounded tired, like he'd been up a week straight, not having gone to sleep since I left. I hung up. I was a complete coward, and I couldn't talk to him. But I had to. He'd think Alice kidnapped me and stuffed me into a phone-less room. Because the normal me would've already picked up a phone and talked to Jake until 5 am. The normal me might've even demanded that Jake get on the next plane to New York and joined us, most likely against Alice's wishes. But I didn't feel like the normal me. I wasn't Renesmee, Jake's best friend. I was a cowardly little girl that was trying to run from her own feelings.
Maybe I was too young, just like Jake said. I gave him the silent treatment instead of sorting through my feelings with him. I had to make him understand. Even if he rejected me, at least the back and forth would end. I'd stop getting tricked by the glimmers of hope that he'd love me, too. I could finally get some peace. I knew I'd never move on from loving him, that Jake was it for me. But maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve would keep us from having all these fights and misunderstandings. Maybe we'd be friends again. Real, unconditional friends. Like we used to be.
Once more, I picked up the phone, dialed Jake's number, and listened to the agonizingly slow ringing. I couldn't do this. I had to. But it was so hard. I have to do this for Jake. That shut all other thoughts up. Even if I'd have to face the embarrassment of admitting that I desperately wanted Jake to kiss me; that I wanted him to want me the way I want him. It was worth it to make Jake feel better. Finally, Jake picked up.
"Hello?" His voice sounded more annoyed than last time. Silence. I couldn't even make myself speak.
"Hello?" Jake said again.
I forced myself to say something. To say anything. I knew that Jake didn't love me romantically, and that just made things harder. Other guys had wanted me. I could bring any man to his knees with a smile. But Jake would only ever view me as the six-year-old I was supposed to be. I wish I really was that young, just so I wouldn't have to feel this way about Jake. Maturity without experience. It was so painful sometimes. Wanting to take a relationship further without any clue as to how or why I felt the need in the first place. I wasn't ready for this onslaught of emotion. Please Heart, stop torturing me so much.
"I swear if this is another prank call I'll-" Jake started. I finally managed to choke words out.
"Hey, Jake…"