As he got out of his car, Jackson was already having second thoughts. He and April just got divorced a little over a month ago, and he knew going on a date that soon wouldn't sit well with his ex-wife... which was why he specifically told Ben, Jo and Alex – the only three people who knew about his little rendezvous – not to say anything to her.
But even when they all agreed that they'd keep their mouth shut, he still had his reservations. He preferred it if no one knew because he knew how incredibly fast the gossip mill is at work. The fact that Jo knew was already reason enough to worry because while she wasn't close with April, she was close with Stephanie, his ex-girlfriend. But it wasn't like he had a choice in the matter. She was standing right next to him when Carol, the doctor from the army's military hospital, asked him out after they successfully completed the surgery on their cancer patient.
And Ben, well, Ben was his homeboy, the other half of the Plastics Posse. When Ben invited him to grab a beer or two at Joe's, he felt he could trust him enough to tell him the real reason why he suddenly couldn't. But now, he realized that might not have been the wisest decision since he was married to the Chief of Surgery. And if there was one thing he knew for certain about Miranda Bailey, it was that she made it a point to know everything that went on in her hospital, including the personal lives of her attending and residents.
There was a long list of people he didn't want finding out about his date – and that included every single person who worked at Grey-Sloan Memorial – but Alex Karev was definitely in the top four, only coming behind April herself, Arizona and Nathan. He was a cool dude, and Jackson actually liked him. But Alex was close to Arizona, and he was almost always working alongside her. Alex slipping out to Arizona was probably the worst thing that could happen because that guaranteed that the news would reach April within five, ten minutes tops. But he was in a relationship with Jo, bizarre as it was, so he wasn't surprised when Alex asked him about it point blank earlier that day.
"So you're getting out there huh?" Alex asked as they checked on a patient.
Jackson looked at him with a serious expression. "Do not tell her."
Alex raised his arms. "It's none of my business," he said before walking out the room.
Jackson thought he saw a look of annoyance or uneasiness, or something he couldn't really read, flash across the peds surgeon's face before he left. But he brushed it off as Alex being his typical moody self.
Making his way to the restaurant – he and Carol agreed to just meet there as opposed to riding together – Jackson thought about the reasons why he was actually pushing through with this.
For one thing, he was divorced. True, he was the one who asked for it, but it wasn't like he wanted the divorce because he wanted to date other women. God knows how much he wanted his marriage to survive, how much he hated it when he realized that it wouldn't. It was just the way it was – he and April would never see things eye to eye, and they would never overcome their problems. So he asked for a divorce.
For another, yes, he asked for the divorce, but it seemed as though April was the one who was already long gone and moved on. She was always smiling and radiant the past few weeks, and it stung him. He needed to stop hurting over the fact that his ex-wife was the happiest he'd ever seen her since before they found out about Samuel, and he needed to start finding his own happiness again. Maybe, he thought, he could find it in dating. It wasn't like he was looking for something serious. He just felt that a nice conversation with a nice woman would be nice. And he needed nice.
So yeah, he decided to accept Carol's offer. It wasn't cheating. Of course, it wasn't cheating.
But as he made his way to the nice Chinese restaurant to meet with a nice woman and to hopefully have a nice conversation, why did he suddenly feel a wave of guilt slowly spreading from his chest to every inch of his body?
He didn't know. And he didn't want to find out.
Pushing the doors of the restaurant open, he decided to leave all his doubts behind as he scanned the room for Carol. Eventually, he saw a hand waving at him and smiled when it was Carol. He checked his watch to see if he was late, sighing in relief when it was only five minutes passed the time they agreed to meet up.
"Hi!" Carol greeted him enthusiastically as he took his seat across from her.
"Hey," he said. "I hope you didn't wait too long."
"Oh no, it's fine. I was able to get off work early, that's why I got here on time," she said, smiling. "So how was work? Any exciting surgeries?"
"No, not really. It was a slow day today," he replied casually.
In truth, however, he performed a pretty badass reconstructive surgery on a patient whose ear was practically burned off in an acid attack. He just didn't want to talk about it because it reminded him of Tatiana, who in turn reminded him of the day he finalized his divorce with April.
"Oh, well, maybe you'll get lucky tomorrow," she offered.
Jackson knew she said it with good intentions, but that didn't stop him from getting mildly annoyed. It was like she was wishing tragedy on some random person all for the sake of an "exciting surgery". Not a moment after thinking that, he realized that's exactly how April would react if she were here instead of him. She'd tell Carol that no, the fact that he didn't have to perform a risky surgery on a patient that day meant that it was a lucky day.
He was once like Carol, complaining when all he had scheduled for the day were breast augmentations and liposuctions. I didn't go through med school to make some lady's boobs bigger, he would bitch to his fellow attendings. It was only after April lectured him about boring surgeries being so much better than risky surgeries that didn't pay off that he stopped complaining. You'd understand what I'm talking about, she told him, if you spend every single day in the ER and witness so much death that you lose track of the number of casualties.
Shaking his head, he forced April's voice out of his head and returned his attention back to the woman sitting in front of him.
"So are you ready to order? I'm starved," he said, changing the subject.
She smiled at him brightly. "Well, I hope you don't mind, but I kind of ordered for us already. I got the specials – potstickers, veggie egg rolls and orange chicken. Sounds good?"
No, it didn't sound good at all. Aside from the potstickers which he found to be just okay, he didn't like the food she ordered. In fact, he hated them. April hated them too, probably more than he did.
"Veggie egg rolls?!" April had said incredulously the first time they ate Chinese takeout after they found out the waiter gave them the wrong order. April had already taken a bite and had to stop herself from spitting it back out. "I'm not a freakin' cow. I want some meat."
Her comment had made him laugh. He always found her quirky side amusing.
"It can't be that bad," he'd told her before taking a bite himself. A few seconds in, he couldn't help but make a face as the taste began to sink in. "It's like eating grass," he'd said.
"It can't be that bad," she'd said playfully with a smirk on her face.
"We're not getting this next time. Maybe we should try the orange chicken," he'd suggested.
April had shook her head vehemently. "No, no, no. That's like the fake Chinese chicken. The Kung Pao Chicken is way better. Oh and the Walnut Shrimp!"
Snapping back to the present, Jackson smiled. "Oh okay, that sounds good."
He desperately tried to hide his growing frustration over how the evening was going so far. He never trusted anyone to order food for him except April. She knew what he liked, and she knew which ones he'd be willing to try. They might not agree on a lot of things, but food was never an issue between them. Now, not even ten minutes into his date, and it was already an issue he had trouble ignoring.
More importantly, it irritated him that Carol was unknowingly bringing up a lot of memories for him. He didn't agree to this date so that he could take a trip down memory lane and remember his ex-wife.
Resolving to salvage his dinner date, he decided to talk about things that for sure wouldn't lead back to April. He asked about where she grew up, and when she answered Boston, he sighed in relief. Finally, they had something in common, something far away from Moline, Ohio.
Throughout the evening, they talked about the schools they went to, the places they hung out in as teens, and the New England Patriots. It pleased Jackson when he found out that Carol was a big sports fan like himself, unlike April. She'd watch a game with him, even cheer for his favourite teams, but she never quite understood football. She'd always ask him questions during the game which would only keep him from thoroughly enjoying it. But now, as he talked to Carol about the 2014 Super Bowl where The Pats defeated the Seahawks, he found himself thoroughly enjoying her company.
It was just a fluke, he thought, that the evening started off rocky. He was having fun now. True, he had to make an effort to keep his face passive when he ate the egg rolls and the fake Chinese chicken. But other than that, their conversation went on smoothly.
At first, he was leaning away from her, his back to the chair. But by the end of their meal, he had his elbows on the table, listening to her intently as she talked about the time she got drunk in front of her superior at a staff Christmas party. He laughed along with her, and he too shared a couple of funny stories from his years in med school. Toward the end of dinner, he thought to himself that he could definitely do this with her again.
That is until they finished their meal, and the waiter put two fortune cookies on their table.
"Ugh, I hate fortune cookies. I don't get why some people are really into them. I mean, they're bland, and I feel like they're gonna give me food poisoning or whatever," she said, laughing.
Jackson cleared his throat. "Well, somepeople like them more for the fortune part of the fortune cookie than the, uh, cookie part."
She snorted. "Yeah, like those little notes will actually make a difference. I don't need a cookie to tell me my fortune. I make my own, thank you very much," she said playfully.
Unable to think of anything to say, Jackson smiled.
She leaned further in, placing her elbow on the table and resting her chin on her hand. "Don't tell me you're a fortune cookie kind of guy, Jackson Avery" she said with a flirtatious smile. "You definitely don't look like one."
Jackson coughed. "Oh no, I don't see the appeal either. I never really bothered trying one."
Until..., he thought to himself.
Carol tilted her head sideward. "Until what?"
His eyes widened slightly. He didn't realize he spoke out loud. "Uh, until I met this, uh, friend of mine who's obsessed with them."
"What, is this friend of yours six years old?" She teased.
Unconsciously, he leaned back against his chair again, increasing the distance between them.
Before he could stop himself, he said, "Actually, she also works at Grey-Sloan Memorial."
"Let me guess, peds? Or wait, how about the psych ward?" she laughed at her attempt to joke around.
But this time, he didn't find her laughter amusing anymore. He found it insulting, infuriating even.
Not completely forgetting his manners as an Avery, he intentionally looked at his watch and then smiled at her curtly. "How about we call it a night? I have an early shift tomorrow, and I want to get a good night's rest."
Realizing what that meant, her face dropped. "Oh, uh, sure," she said, trying to sound nonchalant.
He dropped a few bills on the table and stood up. "Thank you for tonight," he said. "I guess I'll see you when I see you."
"Yeah, see you," she replied, knowing full well she wasn't going to see him anymore.
Jackson walked out of the restaurant without ever turning back. When he reached his car, he got inside and paused for a moment. He took deep breaths, his hands resting on the steering wheel.
"Damn it," he muttered before he started the engine and drove away.
He didn't need to say it out loud to know what he was feeling.
God, I miss her.