Summary: Manji has a new enemy. ONESHOT. MANJI/BROOM. Please note the rating!
Important Author's Note: Yes, you read the summary right. This is a Manji/broom fic. Yes, Manji is paired with a broom, which is, you guessed it, an inanimate object. Obviously, you're not supposed to take this fic very seriously, and I'd prefer if you don't. It's a crackfic after all.
This fic was written at Numisma's May Livejournal Spampost for my good friend, Raihu, who requested something with Manji, with the suggestion of Manji/broom. I looked at "Manji/broom," thought about it, and decided to go with it. This is what happened.
Looming
It wasn't every morning that a man would wake up from nice, long nap to the sight of his toes brushing against his nose.
Manji's first thought was, "God damn I'm flexible." But an itchiness at the ankles told him otherwise.
"Rin," Manji groaned, "Why the hell did you let me go to sleep
right after a fight, without putting my limbs back?"
No response.
Frustrated, Manji grabbed his severed foot and heaved himself up into sitting position. Sticking the foot onto his stump of an ankle, Manji groaned. "Rin!" he growled. "I was fucking asking you a question here..."
It then occurred to him that Rin was nowhere to be found.
As his foot reattached itself back onto his leg, Manji realized that this was not the inn room they had checked into.
A few seconds later, Manji made an even more shocking discovery.
He was naked.
And not naked like naked chest naked. Not even naked like stripped down to his manly loincloth kind of naked. He was bare naked. Like wow I never knew my butt was that hairy but it still looks pretty nice kind of naked.
He took a moment to review the situation.
He decided that the location and scenery of this crack fic did not matter, and hence skipped over any mental description that may have followed this sentence. The only thing that mattered to his mind and that of the writer was that he was in a wooden hut and lying on a futon shoved to the side. Also, he noted that the last clause of the sentence tow before was a total lie.
"...Rin?" Manji called cautiously.
But only the emptiness of the room answered him.
I miss my weapons, Manji thought to himself. Said weapons were nowhere to be found.
Why, Manji pondered, would somebody chop off his foot and then leave him alone in some random hut in who knows where? What kind of person would have the self-confidence and courage to leave a killer (a rather dashing one at that) alone? Granted, he was stripped down and he didn't have his weapons handy. But if you were good enough to chop off one of his body parts, bare him that horrible naked, and remove his weapons not to mention knock him unconscious, why not just kill him already?
What a fucking strange attacker. What kind of guy was this?
A prickle raked across the back of his neck, and Manji looked up.
A broom loomed back at him.
Exactly how it was possible for said broom to loom was beyond Manij. He even hated the way he had phrased it. "A broom loomed." God, he hated rhyming.
It wasn't even a nice looking broom. The straw frayed out at all angles, making efficient sweeping impossible. It wasn't even yellow anymore. At best, the straw was white with a golden shine. And the broom handle? How the hell could anyone hold it? Well, perhaps it was possible to grasp that handle, if you wanted a handful of splinters, at least.
Manji had a vague notion that a certain little, female someone named Rin would have remarked, at this point, that all the previous description could apply to him.
Hey, where was Rin anyway?
God damn, he thought. It was no surprise that thinking of Rin would inspire thoughts of symbolic description in him. Fuck. Hopefully she wasn't lying dead in some ditch at the moment.
But right now, none of this mattered, because the broom was looming at him.
Manji was beginning to think it was rude.
"What are you staring at, huh?" he snarled.
The broom didn't answer.
Which didn't surprise Manji, on account of the lack of a mouth on the broom,
but it still pissed him off. This was all really getting to Manji.
He shoved himself off the futon and stalked to the broom with heavy stomps. "I asked you a fucking question!" he roared. Rolling to a stop, he planted himself in front of the broom.
Yes, having a violent confrontation with a broom was not really a sensible thing to do, nor did it have a point. But sometimes you really can't help yourself. Especially when you're a fictional character.
In a fit, Manji struck out at the broom with a vicious swipe. Only to bring back a hand prickled with splinters.
Manji pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing his stupidity. Hadn't he just observed the multitude of splinter possibilities some sentences ago? "Heh," he huffed.
At this point, Manji noticed it wasn't that his hand had a ridiculous number of splinters, but that the broom handle itself had latched into the skin of his palm, by means of splinters of course.
"Shit..."
He tried to shake the broom off, and tried not to despair at the failure. What the hell was he supposed to do now? If he used his other hand, it would surely stick onto the broom as well. Like that would help.
But these thoughts did not stop the flash of roaring frustration surging in Manji's mind, so with his newly healed foot, he kicked at the broom.
Rin would have shook her head mightily at him and groaned, "Oh Manji. And you're supposed to be the bodyguard."
His foot fortunately missed the handle, but it slipped past the straw, pulling him forward, the broom sliding up his leg, foot crashing to the ground. And suddenly, Maji had a crotch full of... well, broom.
He tried not to hiss in pain. Splinters attached themselves to his inner thighs as he straddled the broom. Some even got onto his dick.
Manji really wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. Even worse, the hand attached to the broom had somehow ended up, what do you know, right next to his dick. Groaning, Manji tried to unstick that hand, but only ended up cupping his own dick as a result. Sort of, the broom was in between.
Things of this nature continued for some time as Manji attempted to pry the broom from his body. Eventually, amid unintentional pressing and rubbing, he managed to remove his crotch from the broom.
It was quite a feat. Such a feat that Manji passed out before he could get his hand off the broom.
He woke up a hand slapping his face.
"Manji, I was so worried!"
He opened his eyes and groaned at the sight of Rin's worried face.
"I think the samurai we ate dinner with poisoned your sake," Rin explained. "Luckily, the innkeeper let us use this hut to hide in. But... um, Manji, how come you're not wearing any... any..."
Manji wanted to die from embarrassment as his charge blushed and looked away. And that was just stupid, because wasn't he the adult around here?
He mumbled angrily to himself.
"What did you say?" Rin asked.
"I said I must have been out of my mind with poison and stripped off my clothes in a frenzy, which doesn't explain why my clothes are no where to be found--"
"What do you mean? They're in that corner over there."
Manji graciously ignored that comment.
"--and, will you please get the fucking broom off my hand."
"Say please."
"What did you say?" Manji snarled.
"Nothing," Rin soothed. "Stay still."
Her hands slipped onto the broom and gently plucked the broom off his hand,
patiently peeling the splinters off. Manji thought it completely unfair that Rin received no splinters from the broom.
The look on Rin's face did not indicate any gratitude of this blessing however.
"Um, Manji," Rin said, eyes wide, "What's this... wet stuff on the broom?" She stared at her dripping hand.
Manji really could have died at this point, however, his mind annoyingly reminded him of the fact that he couldn't die, what with the immortal thing and stuff.
"Nothing!" he screeched. "Now turn around and let me put on my clothes, damn it!"
Rin moved quickly, and Manji stomped towards his clothes.
From then on, Manji gained a new opponent. Consequently, any inn that Manji and Rin stayed at found only pieces of brooms dumped in a moldy pile of ash.
And Manji could never touch brooms again.
THE END.