There's no me without you :)
As I lay here alone in this empty bed, thoughts of you come to my mind. I try and remember where it all went wrong, when it was that I lost you but at that point my memory fails me. I feel the loss constantly as I know you're not here now and it feels like forever since I held you. I feel like I have nothing left to fight for, to hold on to and the collection of whisky bottles on the bedside cabinet instigates that it's been a while since you were in my life. I stumble out of bed and look outside the window, fuck knows what time it is, but the birds are starting to sing and all I know is that I just want this pain inside me to end.
I feel like I don't want to be here anymore, at least not without you. I pull out my phone from my pocket, you're still on speed dial and I call you in the hope that you answer but you don't…you never do anymore. I leave another message, begging you to call me, hoping that you might feel sorry for me and put me out of this misery and I wait and wait, but you don't call, nobody calls. I exist only for you, I don't know how to live without you and more importantly I don't want to. Nothing else matters to me but you, I just wish I knew how to make things up to you and maybe then I can start this future we fought so hard to get. Only we don't have it now.
Being here in Dublin, in this crummy B&B away from home, away from you, only heightens the emptiness I feel. I go in to the bathroom and look into the mirror. I'm a mess, a drunken mess and I don't recognise the man that I have become without you. I look older, thinner, my stubble is turning more in to a beard and I wonder if I will ever look like I used to, you know when you couldn't keep your hands off me. I think about how desperate we always were for each other, I've had a lot of sex in my time but never sex like I had with you. The way you could make me feel by one single touch, I close my eyes and I swear I can almost feel you here with me.
But when I open my eyes reality hits me harder than ever and I sink further in to the darkness. I know that life without you is something that I'll never get over; I know that I can't stand to feel so utterly weak especially when I used to be solid and strong…outwardly at least. You have taken everything from me and I have nothing left to give anyone now…not even my boys. I never thought that having your heart broken could hurt so much, but it really hurts, like nothing I've ever experienced before. I just feel so miserable without you; nothing will get me through this, not even time. I'm inconsolable…lost in my grief and there is only one thing that could save me…you.
My phone rings, startling me and I can't pull it out of my pocket quick enough, it could be you, what if it is you? What will I say to make it all better? I'm sure it will be okay, it's you after all. I don't recognise the number and when I say hello and hear that the voice isn't yours my brain switches off and I drop the phone and stamp on it making it smash in to pieces on the floor. Then the rage comes…that familiar rage from deep inside of me and every item in the room gets thrown about and trashed. The self-loathing that I'm feeling right now is intense and I wish I was anyone else but me, I'm just so tired and I don't want to think about it all anymore.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up…unless you are lying next to me. I want to feel like I felt before when we were together, I felt like I could do anything then. What would it take for you to come back to me? You know I can change because I already have, you know I'm capable of love because I love you…more than you will ever know. Please don't leave me alone like this, I feel like I'm going crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I sit down on the uncomfortable double bed and down the remaining half a bottle of whisky like its water and it doesn't even touch the sides. Then a thought pops in to my head, a very dark disturbing thought and I want to act upon it because it's the only thought I've had that makes any sense.
There is another way out of all this, a way out that doesn't involve you or anyone else. A way out that would end all my grief…all my pain. I go back in to the bathroom and take a long look in the mirror; I really don't like the person looking back at me…he's nothing more than a freak. This makes the decision easier and I reach for my cheap disposable razor snapping the blade from the yellow plastic and I don't look back. I think of you for the last time and then I saw at my wrist with the blade and at first I don't feel anything, I just see the deep red blood dripping down my hand and on to the floor. Then the most excruciating pain kicks in and my hand starts to shake uncontrollably, I can feel the life drain from me and I collapse and fall to the floor.
I can feel my eyes open and I look to see if I'm in hell or maybe heaven if I'm lucky. But instead I'm home with you and you are lying next to me sleeping so soundly. I feel my sweaty forehead and realize that it had all been a dream, a reoccurring dream that never seems to stop. I feel like the luckiest man alive. Who am I kidding? I am the luckiest man alive, I have you. I pull you close to me with no intention of letting you go, I think a day in bed's in order, especially after that nightmare. God I love you Steven and I know now more than ever…
There's no me without you.
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