1929 turned into a hard year thanks to the terrible Christmas of 1928. My brother's wonderful wife, Jean, passed away unexpectedly only a few days before Christmas Eve. Atticus had called me that afternoon and I will never forget how we both sat on the phone and cried. It wasn't like my man-of-steel brother to let himself come undone like that and hearing him cry over the woman we both have come to love so much hit me like a stray bullet. I cried for myself, too; I won't lie and say that I didn't. I cried at the what-if of having Jean being my wife instead of Atticus'. My brother really is a man of steel because I would have hung myself in my own home instead of calling my brother and crying with him. That goes to show you how selfish I would be. Atticus would never do such a thing; not as long as he had his two children still roaming the earth.

Jem was the most beautiful little boy I had ever known. He looked like his mama, that's why. They both had brown eyes like a doe and chocolate brown hair. Jean Louise had brown hair, too but she had her daddy's hair; so brown it was almost black. She had clear blue eyes that were a gift from God considering no one in the Finch family had ever had eyes of her color. Maybe it was a trait from her mother's side? I wouldn't know. I do know for sure that Jean Louise has her mother's spirit. They both have this light from within that I've never seen before with anyone else. No wonder I love my neice so much.

All these thoughts crept into my head as I laid awake smoking a cigarette in my bed. I was at the Landing visiting with Alexandra and Atticus and their families. Alexandra thought it would be nice for me, Atticus and the kids to come and enjoy a summer holiday. It was a kind gesture but I knew it stemmed from Alexandra's guilty consience over the way she treated Jean sometimes and from the way she sort of distanced herself from Atticus when her death occured. We were all here for Christmas as usual but Alexandra was colder than usual and there was no not noticing. Jem and Jean Louise would leave the room whenever she walked in and flinch whenever she went to touch him. I will never forget when we were leaving to go home and how Jean Louise cried at the fact Alexandra hugged her.

I was nervous for Atticus and the children to come with the memories from that horrible Christmas being so fresh. Though it had been half a year since then and maybe time had healed them some. I would soon realize that time can only do so much and the sad reality set in that my brother and his children would never be the same. Their grief was not that apparent anymore but it's obvious that once you lose a love like that your soul remains in the shatters that the one peson left you in when they've gone.

I looked over at my guest room window and saw the dawn was breaking. Was it really morning already? I looked at my pocket watch by the bed and saw that it was six o'clock in the morning. I decided to hop out of bed and make myself a strong cup of drunk's coffee. No better way to start off your morning than with a mug half full of hot coffee and half full of ice cold brandy. My Lord, it was beginning to get hot already as I walked through the house. It was going to be another long summer's day, especially when I noticed Jean Louise standing by the screen door looking out at the lazy river. How did she wake up and get out of bed without anyone noticing?

"Jean Louise," I say as I kneel down beside her.

"Scout," she says as she pats her own chest. She prefers to be called that, I don't know why. How the hell she came up with that nickname, I don't know.

"Scout," I correct myself. "What are you doing up so early, honey? Aren't you tired?"

She looked away from me and back at the outdoors. I looked out with her but I couldn't see what she was staring at. I didn't see any animals out and everything looked in place. She put her finger near where the lazy river would be and I looked out to see if maybe there was an alligator that wondered off in there and I couldn't see it. Nope, nothing.

"Mama," she whispered. I jumped back a little. The memory of Atticus scattering her ashes in there had flooded back.

"Is she there?"

"Yes," she replied. "I see her."

Shivers went up and down my spine when she said that. I believed her though, call me crazy. I saw a smile creep on up her face as she looked directly at the river back where they stood to scatter what remained of her mother. I wish I could see her.

"Hey," I whispered in her ear as I gave her cheek a kiss. "Want to go swimming?"

"Yes!" She exclaimed a little too loud.

"Shhh," I whispered as I put my finger to her lips. "We have to be very quiet. This is going to be a very special thing for just you and me, okay?"

She nodded in silence. I carefully undressed her until she was only wearing her diaper and I took my pajama bottoms off. I scoop her up in my arms as I quietly open and shut the screen door. The whole outdoors was still; the sunshine stayed dim and the birds didn't even sing. They knew something very special was happening.

"Hold on tight," I whispered to Scout as I put one leg into the water. It was warm as bathwater already and it felt so inviting. Scout agreed because she cooed when the water reached her bottom. We were in her mother's space and there was an aura of peace that surrounded Jean's resting place.

"Hey," I said to Scout. "Want to go under?"

"Yeah!" She said, excited.

"Hold your breath," I say as I inhale. I hold on tight to my niece as we both dunk ourselves into the warmth. I kept my eyes open the whole time to make sure Scout was okay and from the looks of things she was never better. She laughed heartedly as I lifted her from the water. I kissed the soles of her feet which made her laugh even harder.

"Again!" She screamed.

"You're the boss," I say as I inhale again before we go under. We stayed down there a little longer after our second dunk and we were just going to come back up for air when I saw Atticus standing there. I accidently exhaled and shot back out of the water with Scout coughing my lungs out. Both Scout and Atticus just stared at me while I gasped for breath.

"Have you been drinking?" Atticus asked.

"Not yet," I answered. I made sure I looked him in the eye because it was true. I could tell from the way his shoulders relaxed that he believed me.

"She lost her diaper," he commented as I looked at my bare-bottomed niece. I turned around to see her lost diaper float away into the outer banks. Atticus just laughed and it made me feel better. I too began to laugh as I stepped out of the water with Scout still in my arms.

"Come here, baby," Atticus said as he opened his arms with a towel for her. Scout was happy to be in her father's arms again as he hugged her and dried her off at the same time. "Did you have a nice swim with Uncle Jack?"

"Yeah," she replied as her father kissed her.

"Jack, what possessed you to go swimming this early and with my daughter?"

"She thought of it first," I said, defending my own sanity now.

"Sure she did," Atticus laughed as he turned away with Scout. "There's a towel on the bank for you."

"Thank you."

Scout smiled at me the whole way back into the house. A smile that said, "thank you." No, thank you, honey. I didn't keep my eyes off her until she went inside. I turned around to go get my towel when I saw a pair of eyes staring at me from the water. An alligator had shown up out of nowhere and was glaring at me.

"So I guess you're mad at me now?" I said out loud to the monster. She didn't move.

"Go on," I said. "We weren't hurting you."

The alligator had grunted and swam back into the outerbanks. I dried myself off and felt stupid for getting into an argument with an alligator of all things. Then I stopped and thought about it: was it her? It wasn't there before. I think I am losing my sanity after all.