Author's Note: This is in
answer to a challenge from my friend Lyra. She challenged me to "Write a fanfic
using any Tamora Pierce characters, including gods, goddesses, and enemies. It
has to be longer than 10 paragraphs (each paragraph as long as my index finger,
right, Lyra? *Grins wickedly*) Make it as silly/stupid/pointless as possible.
Don't use any of my own characters, but I can use characters from other books,
movies, etc, etc, along with things." Ok, Lyra, here's your challenge. I won't
let it turn into a DDA, I promise. If it does, you can slaughter me. Keep your
butcher's knife sharpened…
Author's Note, Again: I
don't own Tamora Pierce characters, Green Army Men, the movie "Tremors" or it's
quotes, "Braveheart" quotes, Superman, "We Like to Party" or the Vengaboys,
"Cotton Eye Joe", "Jaws" quotes, "P.U.N.K.S." quotes, Weird Al Yankovic songs
or quotes, the Chicken Dance, the waltz, the Hokey-Pokey, break dancing, Ring
Around the Rosie, the Woodbury School Olympics, the Scrolling Marquee
screensaver, Harry Potter characters or objects, the Pillsbury Dough Boy,
"Ghostbusters", "Jumpin', Jumpin'" or Destiny's Child, Clue, "Footloose" or
Kenny Loggins, "Seasons in the Sun" or blink-182, "Robin Hood: Men in Tights"
or it's quotes, but, I do kinda partially-own the idea of Mr. Afro Dude, though
I do need to give credit to Brook, because he is the *actual* Mr. Afro Dude.
And if he ever reads this, I swear to the Goddess I'll kill myself. LYRA, DON'T
LET ALEX SEE THIS! But, see, Mr. Afro Dude *isn't* my own character, because he
isn't a character in the first place. Hehe…Guess who found a loophole! Anyways…Lyra,
here's your challenge. May the Goddess Tammy forgive me.
WARNING: I WAS EXTREMLY
HYPER AND SUGAR HIGH WHILE WRITING THIS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. J
THE STRANGEST FIC, TAMORA PIERCE OR NOT, THAT I HAVE
EVER WRITTEN IN MY LIFE
Alanna
of Pirate's Swoop and Olau woke up to sounds of shouting. She couldn't make out
much of anything, except for cries and shouts for help. She raced downstairs to
find water covering the ground floor of the palace.
"Help!" Someone shouted. "Shark! Get out of the water!"
Alanna decided that being eaten by a shark might just be fun, so she jumped in,
giving a battle cry.
"You can take our lives, but you can never take…our freedom!"
She shouted, doing a cannonball. "Ahhhhhhh!" She screamed. She Superman-ed out,
and found herself in a small village known as Perfection, Nevada. It was in a desert, and the population used to be
14, before it was attacked by giant underground worm-monsters. Suddenly, she
heard a rumbling.
"Hey, look at this! I found the ass end! We really caught
something here!" She heard someone with a western accent shout. She turned, and
he was pointing at her butt. Suddenly, he transformed into a giant worm-monster.
"I will get you! I will get you!" The giant worm shouted, then became an alien.
"Take me to your leader!" After that, it became her friend Raoul. "Come on,
Alanna, let's go home." He said, and she followed him to where there was a hole
in the ground. There was a sign next to it, with an arrow pointing into the
hole. On the sign, there were eight words written. "Look! Someone finally dug a
hole to China!" it read. They jumped into it, and found
themselves in a strange place. A sign said "Winding Circle". Four teenagers walked around the corner, then
began to multiply before Alanna's eyes. When there were about one hundred
little teenagers, they all turned into plastic Green Army Men.
"Code Red! Move, move, move!" One shouted, and they
surrounded Alanna and Raoul. The place called Winding Circle melted around them, and the Tortallans found
themselves in a disco. There were colored lights everywhere, along with
strobes, disco balls, black lights, mirror balls, and the occasional stoplight.
It looked like a chameleon on a sugar high. "We Like to Party" by the Vengaboys
was playing, and Alanna saw many people that she knew, and some she didn't.
Daine and Numair were there, doing an old fashioned waltz to the disco music.
Jon was dancing with Thayet, pretending that he was at an actual disco. He was
doing the whole point-your-finger-up-then-down-diagonally thing. Gary was dancing solo, and it was obvious why. In the
words of Weird Al Yankovic, "You are the real Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say". Raoul instantly went off and started dancing with
Buri, and they both started doing some sort of strange Chicken Dance to the
disco music. Their voices carried over to Alanna, and she heard them singing:
"I am not a chicken,
And I am not a duck,
So kiss my butt!"
*Clap-clap, clap-clap*
Alanna couldn't help
laughing. She looked over, and saw the four teenagers from the Winding Circle. They were laughing and yelling each other's
names:
"Briar!"
"Sandry!"
"Daja!"
"Tris!"
They were suddenly joined
by four adults, called Lark, Rosethorn, Niko, and Frostpine. Alanna looked
across the room, and saw Keladry of Mindelan dancing with both Nealan of
Queenscove and Cleon of Kennan. They were so busy doing the Hokey-Pokey that
they didn't even notice her laughing and staring. Finally, she spotted George
break dancing. He saw her, and did the caterpillar over to her. He stood up.
"Alanna, babe, play Ring Around the Rosie with me!" He shouted,
the grabbed her hands and started swinging her around in a circle.
"Ring around the rosie,
Pocket full of posies,
Ashes, ashes,
We all fall down!"
They sang, then George
started teaching her how to break dance. A few minutes later, the room cleared
as "Cotton Eye Joe" came over the speakers. Only then did the Tortallans and
Emelans notice who was dancing in the center of the room. The Great Mother
Goddess and Mithros were holding hands and dancing to "Cotton Eye Joe". One
foot forward (one, two), one foot backward (one, two), one forward (one),one
backward (two), up to the left (one), up to the right (two), turn in a circle, switch
feet, do it again. They were dancing in perfect rhythm with the music. After
all, they were gods. It was then that Alanna got a real shock. During the last
verse of "Cotton Eye Joe", doors opened along the sides of the disco room, and
the floor was suddenly filled with hundreds of male African-American midgets
with afros.
"We are the Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro
Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes!" They
shouted, then all moved to the center of the room, where they all merged
together, to form a normal-sized teenager. He smiled, then began shouting
again. "I am Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr.
Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro
Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro
Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro
Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude!" He stopped,
then screamed, "I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU
WILL ALL BOW DOWN TO ME! I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL ALL LOVE ME! YOU WILL ALL ACCEPT IT AS I STICK UP MY MIDDLE
FINGER WHEN YOU TRY TO TAKE MY PICTURE! YOU WILL SAY NOTHING! YOU WILL ACCEPT WHATEVER I SAY, WHATEVER I DO,
WHENEVER I SAY OR DO IT! I WILL ALWAYS
GIVE YOU THE FINGER WHEN YOU STICK A CAMERA IN MY FACE! AND YOU WILL NOT CARE! YOU WILL PUT IT IN YOUR WOODBURY SCHOOL OLYMPICS PHOTO ALBUM ANYWAYS! AND YOU WILL LOVE ME! I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL PUT MR. AFRO DUDE AS A SCROLLING
MARQUEE ON YOUR SCREENSAVER! I AM MR.
AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL LOVE ME!" Suddenly,
he stopped chanting, and hopped onto a broomstick that materialized in mid-air.
"Let's play Quidditch! I'm Harry, I'm Harry! I get to be Gryffindor's Seeker!
I'm Harry Potter! Let the Bludgers go!" Two black balls started zooming around
the disco room, and both hit Mr. Afro Dude at the same time. Right before he
fell off his broomstick, which was now about 100 feet up, he yelled "I'm ok!
Don't worry, I'm ok!" Then, he fell, but he didn't hit the ground. Two huge
wings grew out of his afro, and started flying him around. "I'M MR. AFRO DUDE!"
He screamed, and the wings disappeared. He fell down to the ground and landed
on the eight people that had come from Winding Circle. "Oops. Sorry. I wanna do that again!" He wailed,
and turned into a gigantic Pillsbury Dough Boy. A Pillsbury Dough Boy with a
huge black afro. "Hahaha!!! I will get you! I will get you!" He screeched, then
the four guys from Ghostbusters came in through the doors.
"Let's blow it up!" One yelled, and they turned their guns
towards the
Mr. Afro
Dude-gone-Pillsbury Dough Boy. They shot, and the disco room was suddenly
filled with Pillsbury Dough Boy guts.
"Hey!" Mr. Afro Dude shouted. "You ruined my disguise! I shall
have to stomp you!" He shouted, and grew 500 feet tall. He stamped his foot
down, but the Ghostbusters guys had scattered. One aimed his gun, and shot Mr.
Afro Dude in the foot. "Owwie! Owwie! That hurt!" He wailed, and sat down and
started sucking his thumb. "Jumpin', Jumpin'" by Destiny's Child was playing on
the speakers now. The last guests of the night were finally arriving. The doors
opened again, and emitted Miss Scarlet, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Mr. Green,
Colonel Mustard, and Professor Plum from the game Clue.
"Swear to the Goddess that I saw Mrs. Peacock kill Mr. Boddy
in the Billiard Room with the Knife!" Mr. Green shouted.
"No she didn't! I saw you kill him! You were in the Hall, and
you did it with the Revolver, Mr. Green!" Miss Scarlet said.
"Uh uh! Mrs. White did it! In the Kitchen, and with the Rope!"
Colonel Mustard yelled.
"I don't think so! It was Professor Plum in the Study with
the Candlestick!" Mrs. White shrieked.
"No! He was killed by Miss Scarlet in the Conservatory with the
Lead Pipe!" Mrs. Peacock yelled.
"You all have it wrong! Colonel Mustard did it in the
Ballroom with the Wrench!" Professor Plum shouted. They continued to argue like
this, until Something entered the room.
"You are all wrong! I am the ghost of Mr. Boddy! I committed
suicide with a Billiard Cue and a Basketball in the Backyard! Hello! Get it
right!" The Something shouted, then evaporated. The Clue figures looked at each
other for a shocked moment, then continued their bickering. Mr. Afro Dude stood
up, and started throwing a temper tantrum.
"He hurt my foot! He hurt me!" He shouted and pointed towards
the Ghostbusters guy. "Owwie! He hurt me! Kill him!" He yelled, and no one did
anything. "Humph!" He muttered, then sat down on the ground. "Footloose" by
Kenny Loggins was now blaring, and people were starting to dance again.
A/N: Ok, I'm out of ideas.
It's almost midnight. I've been typing for a long time. Oops… I didn't
exactly split this into paragraphs, but it would be longer than 10 if it *was*.
See, Lyra? I was good and I didn't turn it into a DDA. Congratulate me! Yay!
Now, to finish the sequel to The Children of Claw…
A/N, Again: Wasn't that
just pathetic? Lyra, you can give me any more of these challenges if you want
to, that was the most fun (funnest, ok? I don't give a shit about grammar right
now!) thing I've written in a very long time. I liked writing a fic where
nothing *had* to make sense. It was a refreshing change. I welcome more
challenges like this. E-mail them to me at dolphyn396@mediaone.net and put FF.N
Challenge as the Subject line, ok? Thanks, lol. How pathetic am I? Very very
very pathetic. Yes, very very very. Hehehehehe! That was fun! I'm hyper! Hyper!
Hyper! Hyper! Hyper! Do I need to say it again? No, I didn't think so. HYPER!
Hehehehehehehehehe!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!
"We had joy,
We had fun,
We had seasons in the sun!"
~blink-182, "Seasons in
the Sun"
"From this day forth, all
the toilets in this kingdom shall be known as…Johns!" ~Patrick Stewart as King
Richard in "Robin Hood: Men in Tights".
